Why Non-Attachment Is One of the Keys to a Happy Life & Relationship
Dear friends around the world,
Many times we do not do well with relationships that we cling onto for the sake of not losing them. We will do anything to not lose this person and in the end we lose them anyways or we are just miserable. We don’t delve deeper to see if the relationship is good for us or not or if the approach will make the relationship lasting. There is a old saying that we should love without attachment. How is that possible? Well, do read further.
Good Luck, Tsem Rinpoche
Via Raffaello Manacorda on Sep 10, 2015
You might be surprised to hear that non-attachment is an important quality for relationships.
Isn’t non-attachment something very similar to indifference? Actually, not at all.
Non-attachment is a highly beneficial state of mind in all fields of life, and in our relationship with people, with possessions, and even with our own physical body.
Non-attachment is not Indifference
It’s important to clarify this common misunderstanding. Indifference means a lack of interest and sympathy toward a person or object.
Non-attachmentt, on the other hand, refers to the state of mind of being objective and not clinging, and it springs from a deep consideration of the conditions of human existence.
Imagine that you go on an organized trip with a group of people that you don’t know. The participants are coming from all over the world and you are not going to see them again after the holiday is over.
In the group, there is someone that you find really attractive and interesting. You know that you will share only a short time with him or her, but you intend to make the most out of the few days that you can spend together. You want to live these moments with intensity and passion, knowing that they won’t last forever, and that you will have to part ways. You accept the situation and still open yourself fully to the experience.
There isn’t any indifference here, right? Still, the circumstances of this encounter force you to be non-attached to the other person and the experience you shared (unless you want to suffer greatly).
This too Shall Pass
You might think that our intimate relationships do not develop under the same conditions as the example above. But is that really so? After all, we human beings always share a finite lapse of time together, just like the people on a packaged trip.
The major difference is that, in real life, you don’t have any clue about when your shared time with someone is going to come to an end.
The circumstances of life, the frailty of the human condition, the instability of emotions—all of these factors make relationships much less predictable than we usually believe. If you meditate deeply upon the impermanence of life, non-attachment will be the inevitable consequence.
But just as in the example above, non-attachment in real life does not mean indifference: on the contrary, it will empower you to live every relationship with love and intensity, knowing that it could end at any moment.
Non-attachment is a state of mind that will help you both in times of joy and sorrow. Life is a mixture of pleasure and pain, of comfort and hardship. We cling to pleasure, hoping that it will never leave, and we are overwhelmed by pain, fearing that it will never end.
By practicing non-attachment, we become able to endure difficult moments with a certain sense of humor, knowing that—as a wise saying goes—this too shall pass. In the same way, we can enjoy the beautiful moments of life without being tainted by the fear that they will end—as they undoubtedly will.
All this doesn’t mean that you need to live in constant insecurity, fearing that everything you rely upon could crumble at any given moment. Quite the opposite, not being attached to success and failure, or pleasure and pain, brings you back into connection with the only thing that is invariably present, stable, and safe: your center of pure awareness and pure love.
Toward Unconditional Love
When you start practicing non-attachment in your intimate relationships, you will have found one of the pathways that leads to unconditional love. Only a non-attached person can love unconditionally, that is, without expecting anything in return.
Being attached to someone means that you love him or her primarily because of his or her proximity or convenience, which makes you feel good. But what will happen when your loved one does something that upsets you, or simply decides to leave? All too often, attached love then turns into bitterness, anger and resentment.
When you love with non-attachment, you are not concerned with the results of your loving, which emanates from you just like perfume from a flower. You can love out of a genuine overflow of energy from the heart, without any conditions or limitations. If attached love expresses itself by the words “I love you, because…”, detached love just says “I love you,” without any conditions. Going one step further, you will realize that pure, unconditional love, is best expressed by the words “I love.” As a great mystic once said: “Love is not a relationship, it is a state of being.”
Love is an Overflowing
Unconditional love is independent of the object of love. Although in a particular moment of your life your love might be focused on one specific person, the act of loving does not depend on him or her. If that person disappeared from your life, the unconditional love would still be there, overflowing from the heart, ready to focus on another wonderful human being when the right time comes.
Non-attachment brings to your loving a quality of universality, in which the object of love is not anymore the cause of it. The source of any form of love is inside you, and you don’t depend on anyone to be able to express it.
This is one of the most liberating shifts that a person can experience. Perhaps, you have always believed that another person is responsible for bringing you into the wonderful state of being that you call “love.” But this erroneous conception is the reason why you cling to others, you are afraid of their departure, and you put upon them the burden of making you happy. Once you understand that love springs from within you and that no one else is responsible for it, you can continue loving others, but the fear and the clinging disappear. You realize that no event in life, not even the death of your loved one, can take this state of being away from you.
Learning to practice non-attachment is one of the most important tools to develop unconditional love, a non-clinging attitude toward both things and people, and the capacity to enjoy the present moment with intensity. Accepting the impermanence of life means reshaping all of our assumptions about existence— but thanks to this process, the possibility arises for us to love unreservedly, without conditions, and without fear.
More wise words on love & career, from Seane Corn:
Or view the video on the server at:
https://video.tsemtulku.com/videos/SeaneCorneOnLoveCareer.mp4
Source: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/09/why-non-attachment-is-one-of-the-keys-to-a-happy-life-relationship/
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When we are attached, we would have expectation, we would feel pain if things does not result as what we thought. It also limits our thought to make things happen in certain ways. We hunger to achieve our destiny without embrace the process.
There are so many beautiful moments to enjoy when we surrender to the force of life. Not being attached brings us back into connection with our center of pure awareness and pure love too. It is the only thing that help us to create present, stable, and safe relationship with others too.
Thank you very much for good and meaningful article.With the strong sense of attachment only makes us crave for more and even be suspicious of what happening when we feel threatened.
Life is a mixture of pleasure and pain, joy and sorrow. However, knowing that all things will pass, we will live each moment to the fullest and we will let go of each experiences as it passes on., in a positive spirit of non-attachment.
Everything that has a beginning will have an end. Whatever we have or experience now will be gone someday. Therefore, holding onto something and hoping things stay as it is will only bring us more and more bitterness and sufferings because eventually we are going to lose them.
When we accept that everything is impermanent, we are in better position to get rid of our attachments. Giving up attachments does not means we own nothing or we give everything up. It simply means we have open heart with the capability to deal with changes and these changes do not bring us down. Our mind is in peace and we can love, care and share unconditionally.
Finally i get to understand what this is all about. Tension strikes when love is overpowering and having the fear that our partner might one day get involve with a third party relationship due to lack of trust and confidence. Then we start to pull the rubberband too hard and both sides starts to feel lack of freedom for each other. Learning to have confidence and trust creates peace of mind to give each other freedom and happiness in the relationship. Thank you Rinpoche and blog team for sharing this beautiful article. ????
Every time when people talk about non-attachment, the first thing come to my mind is how to not attached? IF we are not attached mean we do not love the things or the person. By reading this article, it give me an insight what is true love and how to be free from the selfish love.
We often fall in love because of what we think the person will treat us or how sweet the situation could be. But, when things do not come out as what we aspected, sour feelings, argument arise and causes so many problems in the relationship. So, instead of love the person, we become actor and do many dramatic actions. That is because we are actually attached to our own idea of how this person should be and how we should be treated. This kind of conditional love causes so many disaster to us and to our loves one, by not really looking into reality.
Often, the greatest fear we have is separation in love. Either by the cause of nature – death or separate because of many reasons. The moment this situation appear, we feel so bad and sometimes because of the pain that cause by this separation, people can just kill themselves or gone crazy because the pain is too great to accept.
It is true that, the responsible of happiness is not in the hand of the other person. It is in ourself. We should not burden the other person to give us happiness. I like this word in the article. It give me the courage to love and not hope in return.
In fact, When we practice non attachment of love, we are giving ourself time and the other person space to explore the potential of both person to be together. We learn to grow and love each other with the space and time we gave by enjoying the moment of feelings of love. Because we do not hopes our love in return, we give the love from our heart and we do not aspect the outcome we want, we accept what the outcome might be. And the outcome is like miracle or surprise to use when we do not aspect or hope the for the way love should return to us.
Thank you Rinpoche for this article.
With folded hand,
Freon
Had a discussion with pastor Henry and team and I truly agree that attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another object/subject across time and space. However, non-attachment doesn’t mean being cold as a stone. Emotions don’t cease to exist as you learn to let go because you understand the emotions. This article is definitely good to share! ??
We all leave a life with attachments. More and less, no matter what we can’t get away with it. Due to attachment we got to deal with our anger, greed, jealousy, Ignorance, laziness and sadness. Hence we suffer. Yet we continue again and again. Life after life.
We can learn from the article is for having a real relationship is not about owning each other, controlling each other nor being emotional of not having what you want in your own perception for each other. Love is about letting the person you loved happy, giving your time and care sincerely. Trust and be there when he or she needed you. When it has to end it doesn’t mean you loosing something but it’s just that nothing is permanent included our feelings.
Not worth holding on to something that will keep changing from time to time. It doesn’t mean you cannot have a relationship but have it with an open heart and less attachments by knowing that nothing is permanent by nature.
Clinging on our attachement bring us endless suffering. I like what has transpires in this article by practicing non-attachment, we become able to endure difficult moments with a certain sense of humor, knowing that—as a wise saying goes—this too shall pass. In the same way, we can enjoy the beautiful moments of life without being tainted by the fear that they will end—as they undoubtedly will.
Life are uncertain, don’t attach too much what relationship we had engage. All will be end one day when the dealth coming.
Indeed, non attachment is the way to live a happy life. We are blindfolded & train to chase the desires to fulfill our senses. It’s extremely difficult to untrain this from our mind, but it’s not impossible.
When we try to think more about impermanence, nothing last forever & death. It will kick start our engine to move forward.
Attachment is caused from “I”. When people like someone or something, they tend to want it or own it, to fulfill their “I” desire, which they thought can bring them unending happiness. But many of us don’t know that when we’re too attach to something or someone, in the end it’ll only bring unhappy result. Due to it’ll only cause us to crave for more, want more, and attach to more to fulfill our projected happiness. Hence, to love someone, the key to happy life is actually non-attachments. We don’t own anything or anyone in samsara. Too attach, will only bring unhappiness.
Personally to me attachment is something that we pursue in our perception it last forever. We cling to it as we assume it never end or always there for us. Once situation turn the other way round all our negative thought will arise and resulted in negative action. Due to disappointment that we thought everything should happen in our favour we ended blaming everything to others accept ourselves. If we can learn to see things in a moderate way, our life will be much at peace and easier to move on. I know it’s easier to say that act but logically it’s the way to live our life because nothing in samsara we can hold on forever. Let go is the key and if we can do it, whatever that going to happen to us we will able to face it and handle it because we are no longer doing anything due to our desire.
Our attachment to the fleeting pleasures of the senses is the fuel which feeds the fire of the ego-mind. This ego mind lead us to suffering. One of the methods the Buddha prescribed for dissolving these attachments, was the contemplation of impermanence. At the time of death, we have to let go everything because we can’t bring anything with us. Knowing that death is certain and we are walking towards to death since we born, we must to keep remind ourselves of the above and have a actual realization.
Being too attached to something whether is physical, object or emotions will only bring us suffering. By learning the Dharma, we are taught to let go and not to be too attach to anything as everything is impermanent in this life.
In my opinion, being attached or non-attached is from our state of mind. If we are deeply attached on something or a person, we will emotionally easily get angry or upset when things don’t get right or the person let you down. In the end, we are the one who suffer. Non-attachment is like antidote whilst we need to learn and understand of impermanence. We should appreciate of what we learn in Dharma, for this benefit us to gain realization, transform and become a better person.
It is so true that attachment is one of the main roots of our mental suffering that leads to our not able to or not wanting to let go of our clinging thoughts, and holding on to animate and inanimate objects that we think would give us happiness. Each time we suffer thinking they could, and when the last thought or object failed us, we repeat the same process again and again, hoping to seek happiness.
We keep chasing after happiness and hoping for it to be permanent when in fact there is no such thing. Then when we don’t get what we want, we get upset and find all sort of ways to continue the rat race. Our mental state of mind is so full of desire that we are almost attached to everything from mental to physical. But thank Buddha we have Dharma. We may not be able to fully realize the teachings and do it immediately but with Dharma knowledge/learning/practice, it is an antidote/guide for us to transform albeit slowly. It ya to start somewhere eventually.
Attachment is when an emotional feeling of wanting to achieve happiness and be engrossed into it because it is thought to be bringing happiness not knowing that this sort of feeling does not bring you to eternal happiness. We think these things will continue to make us be happy hence we are led to believe falsely that these things bring happiness.
Strong attachment is dangerous as it brings one into anger, depression and make all sorts of negative actions to maintain the things/feelings they are attached to. It is almost like to have a partner who expects the partner to be the way he or she expects to be, otherwise he or she will be very upset and probably he or she will do all sorts of actions to make the partner change or make ‘him’ stay when the partner decided to give up.
To counter it one must understand whatever feeling you have will go away, everything in this world is impermanent. By having this thought, one will not suffer (or at least we don’t suffer that much and hold onto the false believe that everything will last forever). That is why in Buddhist practice, practitioners meditate on impermanence, death and how our possessions including one’s body will deteriorate.
This article cleared my mind on how I should live and love the people around me. Love is free without burden, love is space for thoughts, love is not owning someone, love is not fulfilling wishes, love is not even about the person you loved anymore but it comes natural from inside of us without any label or reason if not that’s not love.
How can love be what we want? How can this person feel loved if he or she have to constantly changing to be who we wanted he or she to be? Love is not depending on what we want him or her to be.
So true that we always love someone primarily because of this person’s proximity or convenience, which makes us feel good. Like someone we can totally depend on, hence when this person upsets us, or living us, then we feel like our whole world collapse. Love then turns into bitterness, anger and resentment.
Being able to open up myself to love unconditionally or unselfishly is not easy but i will practice and i want to bring happiness to the people around me.
Well said! ❤
The true essence of love. I truly appreciate this article and I thank Rinpoche for sharing it. Love in itself is beautiful. Imagine if we all loved the way it is explained, there will be world peace. It will have to start with myself. ?
The only thing that is permanent and lasting in our samsara is ‘impermanence’ is a fact of life. If the karma for something has been exhausted, and the no matter what we do , separation will happen anyhow.
The love and compassion that the Buddha exudes is not dependent on how the recipient of that love reacts back, Buddha’s love is like the sunshine it is not dependent on the recipient’s reaction. Hence the Buddha’s love for us is so vast and pervasive, he loves all regardless of how they view him.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this wonderful article. Knowing that a lot of people at the current age, can’t let go the thing they like / love. The simplest one is food, some people can go all the way to the south or north to find the food they’re craving for. The more complicated one is human, or love ones. People can do anything to keep the person they love. Some even do things that hurt others. A very good example that Rinpoche gave, “we met someone we love in the short trip”, knowing that it is impermanent, but we still spend most precious moment with the one we love. If we cling on, it will only bring great suffer. I will always remember this example. Learning to practice non-attachment is not easy, but we need to understand, everything in samsara is impermanent, including the one we love. The more we cling on, the more we can’t let go, the more we suffer.
Thank you again Rinpoche for sharing. I will always keep this in mind. With folded hands _/\_
Love without attachment is a reminder for all of us because it is important for us to understand that whatever happiness and suffering that happen to us will not last forever it will come to the end that same thing it apply to our relationship with either our partner or our friend and family it will come to an end one day so we has to learn to let go when time to depart from them otherwise we will create a lot of pain for us that is one of the reason why nowadays a lot of people having depression because of their lost of their partners.
If we are attached to someone, we will start to wonder if we are will lose them one day, we find ways (to some extend we go all out illegal way) to keep it with us and created more problems for ourselves. We created unhappiness to ourselves this way because our happiness is now depending on something impermanent.
We have to understand to not to be attached and wake up to realise nothing last forever, nothing in this world will be there forever. Our wealth our health our youth betrays us as time goes by. We will die one day and nothing we can bring forward to our next lives but karma.
But that doesn’t mean we neglect and do not need to care about our loved ones. We make the best out of it while we have it, we cherish and do not be too sad should we lose it. Things change and by nature everything is impermanent. Accept it and move on because this is reality and reality is attachment kills.
The trick here is to learn not to be attached to the ones we love. We have to let go of the feelings we have that causes us to make all sorts of trouble for us to make things permanent for us.
As said, learning religiously to practice “Non-attachment” is to focus on ourselves on how to lead our lives, how to integrate our minds, and how to keep our everyday lives peacefully and healthily, as all these spring from a deep feeling and conditions of human existences! Even in the span of one’s life, nothing is permanent or guaranteed. Due to such impermanence of life, all living beings must reshape one’s existence on the condition/assumptions of about living forever in one’s life, without death at any unpredictable time. Life is, as everyone has experienced a mixture of pleasure, happiness and comfort, coupled unpleasantly with sufferings of pain, sicknesses and fear of miseries of sicknesses and death. We often feel miserable that our World seems to go upside-down, because we always expect things that are changeable by nature not to change, and that impermanent things to last forever. Then when they do not, we get upset. That is why “accepting the impermanence of life means reshaping all of our assumptions about existence without conditions and without fear”. Therefore, learning to practice non-attachment is to develop unconditioned love, a non-clinging attitude toward both things and people, and to enjoy the present of life without intensity.
谢谢仁波切的分享。
在生活中我们都会与不同的人接触， 无论是家人、朋友、伴侣与我们的关系是如何密切， 我们都需要知道世间任何的一切都是不永久的。 所以我们都要本着不执着的心态来处理这些关系。 不执着不代表是放弃， 只是我们是因为了解世间无常的本质而不会对事物执着。
虽然了解其中的道理不过要真正可以应用在生活上也不是简单的。
如果可以对这个事情做禅修我相信我们必然可以了解， 然后可以应用在生活上。
谢谢
I love the teaching in this post about non-attachment very much because, in the first place, it is our attachment to our form, wanting it to be solid and permanent , and attachment to external things and relationships and experiences , wanting them to be permanent and to last forever, that, in the end, make us unhappy, lonely, depressed and suffer miserably. We suffer because they will all end or leave us or disappear and be no more. All phenomena depend on causes and conditions for their existence, and all are impermanent.
“Non -attachment is a state of mind that will help you both in times of joy and sorrow. Life is a mixture of pleasure and pain, of comfort and hardship. We cling to pleasure, hoping that it will never leave, and we are overwhelmed by pain, fearing that it will never end.
By practicing non-attachment, we become able to endure difficult moments with a certain sense of humor, knowing that—as a wise saying goes—this too shall pass. In the same way, we can enjoy the beautiful moments of life without being tainted by the fear that they will end—as they undoubtedly will.
Not being attached to success and failure, or pleasure and pain, brings you back into connection with the only thing that is invariably present, stable, and safe: your center of pure awareness and pure love.
A non-attached person can love unconditionally, that is, without expecting anything in return. When you love with non-attachment, you are not concerned with the results of your loving, which emanates from you just like PERFUME FROM A FLOWER. You can love out of a genuine overflow of energy from the heart, without any conditions or limitations.
Non-attachment brings to your loving a quality of universality, in which the object of love is not anymore the cause of it. The source of any form of love is INSIDE you, and you DON’T DEPEND on anyone to be able to express it.
This is one of the most LIBERATING SHIFTS that a person can experience. Once you understand that love springs from within you and that no one else is responsible for it, you can continue loving others, but the fear and the clinging disappear. You realize that no event in life, not even the death of your loved one, can take this state of being away from you”.
I like how the example of comparing hanging out with people in packaged tour vs us clinging on our intimate relationships. The mechanism of both examples are the same: it’s just getting along with another human being, whether or not we like/love/neutral/dislike/hate the other person, the positive and negative feelings/emotions that we are stuck with are just temporary and it can change anytime. Same as people, partners/friends/acquaintances can change anytime anywhere, therefore there’s no need to cling on or overly attach a particular person and turn on the suffering mode when we already know nothing is permanent.
The saying that goes “Love is not love until you give it away” literally means that when we love, we would need to give the love away to the person and not to expect anything in return. If there is an expectation, then the love wasn’t given away freely but with a string attached hoping that it will be returned. Then, happiness may not occur. This article explains clearly that non-attachment is the is the key to happiness.
When we love, we need to examine whether we love the person of is it because of the person that we have love in us? If we love the person for who he is , then it may not be universal love but conditional love. When we have that, then we are attached, Then we may not be able to sleep thinking of the person because they are not with us. Or always wanting to know where and what they are doing. That is clingy and that is attachment.
Very often people think non-attachment is giving up what you have and be penniless, be alone. Non-attachment in my opinion means our state of mind is not affected by external factors, it does not mean we are cutting people out. For example, non-attachment to our family does not mean we don’t love them or we want to distant ourselves from them. It simply means our emotions or state of mind will not be affected by them whether they are with us physically or they are not. Our emotion is not affected by them whether they treat us good or bad.
When we are attached to someone, we start to worry if we are going to lose them, we become very insecure, we cannot sleep well, our relationship becomes very distressed. We become unhappier than before we have a relationship. To be non-attached is to realise nothing last forever, nothing remain unchanged, we will die one day. While we have it, we have to cherish it, give the best we have without too much expectation and most importantly not to hurt those we love. When things change, accept it and move on because this is how the universe works.
感谢仁波切的分享与开示
爱情还有人与人之间的关系是人生中一门最重要的功课，而在这可圈可点的一层层的关系中，我们企图霸占，独有，欺骗，愤怒，牺牲，伤害等等… … 而我们一次一次地在爱情或是任何的一种人际关系里面，一而再，再而三地，无止尽地，周而复此重复同样的过程，有些宛如飞蛾扑火般地轰轰烈烈，有些充满愤怒地非君不能，有的更是凄凄楚楚如孟姜女哭倒长城八百里般痛，有些就是平淡但是却莫名其妙地走过来整个过程，人与人之间的种种，而我们又是否想过，你，我，他的种种藕断丝连的关系与情绪，到底是因何起又因何灭呢？
而在尊贵的廿五世詹杜固仁波切的博客中，不止这一篇的帖子，将带你透过其他的角度来引领我们勇敢与拥有良好的人与人之间的关系，摩登却是不离佛法的让我们明白从佛法中所诠释的“爱”与我们的想象有什么不同，是因果？是业力？还是执着？还是匆匆南柯一梦而已… …
谢谢
Jerry Sito
Thank you Rinpoche for this short article but meaningful article. In this degenerate age, some of us may find it hard to practice non-attachment to humans, material things, etc. We must understand that everything in this Samsara is impermanent.
Learning to practice non-attachment is one of the most important tools to develop unconditional love, a non-clinging attitude toward both things and people, and the capacity to enjoy the present moment with intensity. Accepting the impermanence of life means reshaping all of our assumptions about existence— but thanks to this process, the possibility arises for us to love unreservedly, without conditions, and without fear.
With folded palms,
Vivian
Thank you Rinpoche for this interesting article that need more thoughts in actually grasping the whole concept of non-attachment in relationships. I had always thought that as we enter into a relationship, be it boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, parent/child, we have conditioned ourselves to be attached to each other for the duration of our lives till we part at death. I guess in this attachment, we also attached a whole lot of expectations on each other, to be accommodating to each other’s wants, needs & responsibilities. As we learn in Buddhism, attachment is never a good thing but somehow due these conditional relationships, we get caught in attachment. As Rinpoche mentioned, just the same as a holiday relationship, ours are also impermanent albeit on longer duration. When we fully realise the impermanence, then we will begin to treasure the moments but not attach any expectations to it. Certainly would spend more time thinking of this.
Thanks for this beautiful article sharing. Everything in life is impermanent. Things will spoil & relationship will end one day. We can’t predict when our shared time with someone will come to an end. Therefore, when we have pleasant & enjoyable moment, we shall enjoy but not cling to it. In fact, we should treasure every moment with the person who cross our path, whom we love. We shall not attach to these people until we focus too much on them and emotional affected by their behavior. We sometimes try very hard to please, maintain or even control them so that we can always keep the good relationship forever, which we all know this is impossible.
On the other hand, when we are in adversity, be it with conflict with someone, in financial difficulties, or when our loved one left us, we will be in sorrow and could be overwhelmed in deep negative emotion for a long time. We will be able to let go and find peace if we can remind ourselves constantly as the wise saying suggests, all this shall pass. This will help us go through even the darkest life passages with more ease. It also becomes totally unnecessary to hold grudges or vengeance towards anyone on any matters. We can then find peace & happiness at every moment more easily if we can gradually learn to observe our mind and let go of our attachment.
Detachment is not that you should own nothing, but that nothing should own you. This may be another aspect to consider.
We create the attachments consciously or unconsciously. We hold on to these attachments because it did bring us some pleasure. We cannot let go of it even when the conditions changed and the pleasure is no more. We crave for more pleasure and mostly end up disappointed and unhappy.
The universal truth is Change is constant and All is Impermanent. When we defy this universal truth, sufferings will emerge.
Embrace the truth and work on detachment will be the key to happiness.
Thank you Rinpoche for this teaching.
Non-attachment is definitely not a negative state of mind – it is not “Indifference” which means showing no interest or sympathy for a person or object. Non-attachment is a positive state of mind -an objective mind that has no clinging. This non attachment can be towards a person(a person you love) or towards an object ( a cozy home). This non- attachment comes from a deep-seated awareness of the impermanence and transience that is the nature of our human existence.
When we are fully aware that all things will pass, then we develop no expectations, nor wrong perception or projection of the object of our love . With objects of our love, we do not love them with conditions.This non-attached unconditional love stems from the joy of giving happiness to the object of our love regardless of whether we receive pain or happiness from them. Non-attached love is the opposite of love with attachment that is conditional and draws happiness from the object of love and depends on that object for happiness.
Non -attachment is love that is unconditional. Your love is not dependent on the object of your love. Hence, you may love with intensity and give great joy to the other. But that love will not shrivel up and turn into hatred, when the object of your love disappears from your life. You will continue to give love of the same intensity to the next person when they come into your life . Hence, with non-attachment , you will bring a quality of universality of love that does not depend on the object of love. The love is from a well-spring within you.Consequently, you are not dependent on outward conditions or people for your happiness.Your happiness comes from giving not taking.
All relationships are impermanent ,as they are dependent on conditions that will not stay. Our shared time with another will end – though we do not know when – as it is subject to the circumstances of life, the frailty of the human condition, the instability of emotions and other factors.Non-attachment allows us to move on ,when a relationship comes to an end ,with peace and equanimity.
Life is a mixture of pleasure and pain, joy and sorrow. However, knowing that all things will pass, we will live each moment to the fullest and we will let go of each experiences as it passes on., in a positive spirit of non-attachment. Hence there is no fear of expectations not realized nor false illusion of happiness when your expectations are fulfilled.
Thank you, Rinpoche for sharing this to show us what love without attachment is. We tend to just go with the flow without thinking further on what is good for us or for the other. It is good to be mindful.
More so, we have to be mindful that any love should be without expectations and not solely for us. We have to learn not to cling.
It’s very difficult to be in a relationship and not be attached, especially during the early stages. When the fire has died down, it would be much easier, lol! It is a difficult balance. In a mundane level, it means don’t be too clingy. But in actuality, it is not easy as there are expectations. If there are no expectations, what’s the point of being in a relationship? I mean, ok we’re together but do whatever you like. It doesn’t really gel to me. It might be better not to be in any relationship at all. Minus the expectations, demands, hopes, headaches, desires. Just my 2 cents.
This article has many wonderful advices to all who are in a relationship, those wanting to be in a relationship or already in a relationship. Human are a very complex species, they can jump and switch from being a nice person and a devil next.
It is rather puzzling on why and what makes us to be like that, basically if we look into this further we may come to a conclusion that we inherited these characters from both of our parents. I would agree to a certain degree that we may have some traits in our system from them but most of it that molded us to be what we are today stems from very many angles.
Educations, environments, media exposure coupled with the company that we associated and moved around with are the main players that mold us. This character that we outwardly displayed are the result of having unknowingly and unconsciously woven a multi-faceted and intricate web that trap many of us and however hard we tried to spring out of it we find difficulty in doing so and are always revolving around it. A similar analogy would be like being addicted to drugs. We are so engrossed to become what we want to be and show to the world but in the process lost our true self.
I was a rogue during my growing up years, having no father to provide all the love, guidance and to inspire me to become a responsible adult my character was molded by society and the result was I became very arrogant and developed many other traits that my relatives, friends, associates, colleagues and girlfriends find it hard to accept.
Through all the trial and tribulations of my life it was Buddhism during the latter part that changed me and I am very thankful that Buddhism was the anchor that grounded me and moved me to a whole new level and have me began a new chapter of my life.
Be what you are and not what you are not.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this great article. It clearly shows that when we expend our views and not be trapped in that world of ours, we will be able to get happiness that is what we are looking for.
With the strong sense of attachment only makes us crave for more and even be suspicious of what is happening when we feel threatened. Like what was mentioned in the article, with these feelings it will only make us feel more bitter. We will not feel the sweetness and happiness that we look for because we are loving in the wrong way.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this great article. It does not only apply for us in the situations in a couple kind of relationship, but it is so for all sorts of relationships that we have with any member of our family or friends.
It is my humble opinion that non attachment is a state of mind that does not give rise to the duality of the mind, where opposite emotions are evoked and there then there is calm that comes from within.
If there is love, the love is not subjective to the person or object but rather a love that comes from the giver and there are no expectations but purely giving.
Very good article to reflect on to have a constant state of happiness.
This is a very good meditation on the non-self. Thank you Rinpoche.