It’s Worse to Say Nothing than to Say the Wrong Thing
There will be times when horrible things happen to our family and friends, or when we see someone we know in deep pain and grief. When this happens, most of us may not know what to do or what to say to make the other person feel better.
Human nature makes us innately want to help when someone we care about is going through a difficult time. Although there are some who do not possess such empathy, the majority of us will feel this way, and we may even feel helpless when nothing we do seems to allay their pain.
If you find yourself in such a situation, this article provides five simple pointers of what you can do. Do read and keep these methods in mind; bringing others relief from pain, whether physical, mental or emotional, is one of the core methods to develop true compassion and care in our being,
Tsem Rinpoche
How to Speak to Someone About an Unspeakable Loss
By Linda Carroll on Wednesday December 28th, 2016
Five Ways to Help When You Feel There is Nothing You Can Do
“It’s not about saying the right things. It’s about doing the right things.” ~ Unknown
Years ago, my family and I moved to a bucolic little town in New Zealand, where we were immediately swept up into a group of ex-pats and locals. We felt deeply connected to this community by the time I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in the local hospital.
When our son was three months old, a doctor heard a heart murmur. Twenty-four hours later, he died.
In the days and weeks that followed, I wandered in my own fog of grief as I went about the necessary tasks of ordinary life: shopping for food, taking our other kids to school, doing the usual mounds of laundry.
Meanwhile, my new friends kept their distance. I saw them take great care to avoid me: to cross the street, switch supermarket aisles, literally do an about-face when they saw me coming.
Invitations stopped coming. The phone went silent. My grief was marked by a deeper isolation than I’d ever known.
When our son was three months old, a doctor heard a heart murmur.
Later, many of these people apologized. They told me they were terribly sad and distressed about what had happened, but hadn’t known what to say. My loss was so enormous that words seemed inadequate, even pitiful.
They said nothing, out of fear that they would say the wrong thing.
This sort of experience repeats itself in many different forms: a friend gets dumped by the love of her life, a colleague is given notice at a job he’s held for two decades, or a loved one receives the dreaded news that she has inoperable cancer.
What can you say?
While it’s not an easy question to answer, one thing is certain: It’s worse to say nothing than to say the wrong thing. Here are five ways to respond helpfully to people who have suffered an enormous loss.
It’s worse to say nothing than to say the wrong thing.
1. Manage Your Own Feelings First
When we learn that disaster has befallen a loved one, we initially feel shock. Our heart rate increases, our thoughts either speed up or slow down, and we may experience nausea or dizziness.
The anxiety we feel is real and personal. Our instinct, though, is to ignore it, find ways to numb it or minimize it. That’s a mistake.
If we address our own anxiety first, we’ll be in a much stronger position to respond well to the person most directly affected. Do the things you know how to do to manage stress. A walk in the woods, some meditation or yoga, or talking to a trusted friend can help.
Make sure your own body and emotions are regulated before you turn to the person in grief.
2. Now Focus on the Other Person
Remember that the isolation they feel is almost as painful as the shock and the sadness of the loss itself. If you avoid them because you don’t know what to say, this avoidance serves only your needs.
Our friends and other loved ones need our comfort, support, and involvement during times of sorrow.
Although there isn’t a right thing to say, there are some things to never say. They include the current favorite, “Everything happens for a reason,” or “I know just how you feel.” How do you know there’s a reason, and what difference would it make to a grieving person, anyway? And you don’t know how they feel—only they do.
Our loved ones need our comfort, support, and involvement during times of sorrow.
3. Admit That You Don’t Know What to Say
That’s a good start. Try something simple that breaks the ice and starts a conversation, or at least sends a message to the other person that they’re not alone.
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I could say the perfect thing, but I know there’s nothing to fix it. I just wanted you to know I care and am here with you.”
4. Listen
If the person is willing to talk, listen. It’s the single most vital thing you can do.
Listen to their story without interrupting. Don’t turn the conversation back to you with statements like, “I know what you’re going through—my dog died last year.”
Don’t tell them what they will, or should, feel. Simply acknowledge their pain and listen to what it’s like for them.
We all have different styles of managing shock and distress. Some people are angry, while others seem numb. Still others turn to gallows humor. Your job is not to correct them but to give them space to be the way they need to be.
Simply acknowledge their pain and listen to what it’s like for them.
5. Rather than Saying, ”Let Me Know If I Can Do Anything,” Offer to Do Something Practical and Specific
Taking on an ordinary task is often most helpful. Offer to shop for groceries, run errands, drive the kids somewhere, or to cook a meal or two. Ask if you can call tomorrow, or if they want to be left alone for a few days.
When Survey Monkey’s CEO Dave Goldberg died suddenly, his wife, Sheryl Sandberg, wrote the following:
When I am asked, “How are you?” I stop myself from shouting, “My husband died a month ago, how do you think I am?” When I hear “How are you today?” I realize the person knows that the best I can do right now is to get through each day.
Taking on an ordinary task is often most helpful.
Today, as I recall the loss of my own infant son, I think about the one person who did truly comfort me. She arrived at my house with a bottle of fine brandy and said, “This is everyone’s worst nightmare. I am so, so sorry this has happened.”
Then we sat on the lawn and she poured me a drink as she listened to every horrible detail.
As I look back now, I still feel how much her gesture helped me cope through those early days of pain. She didn’t try to fix me or try to make sense of what happened. She didn’t even try to comfort me. The comfort she gave came through her being in it with me.
You can’t fix what happened, but you can sit with someone, side by side, so they don’t feel quite so alone. That requires only intention, a willingness to feel awkward, and an open, listening heart. It’s the one gift that can make a difference.
Source: http://upliftconnect.com/speak-about-an-unspeakable-loss/
Feature Image: Artist Unknown
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Thank you for this wonderful post. This is a very helpful article for those who doesn’t know what to say or do when our love ones are needed us the most. Everyone will go through this experience of knowing someone who had faced loss or tremendous stress.
Sometimes what they need is our ear to listen and a space to explain what are they going through. It is hard but most of the time they just need someone around and someone to talk to.
This article is really helpful especially point 5 where we actually help the person to do some of their daily routines which will help them to adjust their emotion during the difficult time.
https://bit.ly/3jRgXvS
We are living in a Fast-Paced world, which people easily stop feeling something. This make them harder to identify how they really feel, especially anxiety, fear and anger. The author reminds us what we feel is real and we should acknowledge it, so that we can heal and transform.
Let say we address our own anxiety first, it mean we are in progressing, we are grounded and it would help us to hold space for the others who are in anxiety too. It is because we understand how anxiety affect to us.
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I could say the perfect thing, but I know there’s nothing to fix it. I just wanted you to know I care and am here with you.”
These are good words to say to anyone who is in grief. I have always love the feeling of someone sit beside me, side by side, to get some accompany. It’s sweet, still, with a willingness to feel awkward, even if that person is one you are not so close with. Through an open, listening heart, everyone’s broken heart can be cure.
I also believe when you accept and allow yourself to feel, you would know what kind of comfort you need, then you know what others need too. For eg, I know I am sad, but I don’t know what to say, I want to feel safe to express. For this, I understand many people do not know how to reach out to get support. So, be courageous to reach out to others is a thing for me to learn.
Wonderful article that we could overcome situation of grieving and of helping loved ones and friends.This is so true that we have to manage our own feelings first before we approach to other people especially when they are in pain and grief.
A simple gesture or words of consolation could be exactly the all that the person need to carry on for the next moment. Being a good listener is definitely the best thing to offer because, for the person who is suffering, his/her only outlet and relief is speaking the pain out.
Thanks for the five ways ……
Thank You Rinpoche for sharing this valuable article. I made me think that with these practice might help us to nurture our compassion or bodhichitta (one of the toughest topics to me personally in Dharma path). I will try to practice this whenever I can.
The tragedy happened to the writer and Madam Sheryl Sandberg reminded the death of my father. He passed away in 2000 due to heart attack and left us in sudden without a word left to us. I was lost and do not know how to cope with it.There is no Guru (I have not yet met Rinpoche and joined Kechara yet) for me to seek for advice. However, with the little limited Dharma knowledge I have. I asked my family to be vegetarians for 3 months and I did not inform any of my friends (some still blaming me for that). I just wanted to leave alone and chanting Omitabbha mantra to my dad day and night. I do miss him till today. However, for those who has offered help to me to run some errands for my dad’s funeral I appreciate very much till today in my heart. I personally think, Guru, the Dharma knowledge and center is very important to us especially when our family passed away; at least we do not feel lost. I did feel helpless and lost when my father passed away (some even blamed me for offer just vegetable to my father as he was not vegetarian).
I hope I can help others in future in this type of tragedy. Thank You Rinpoche.
Best Regards,
Soon Huat
I am really thankful and glad that I have actually read this article. It teaches us we should look at the situation from the “victim’s” angle and not from our angle.
I guess it has been a normality and seems like a given thing to do whenever we hear someone we know lost their family members/partner/friend and we give them space. Our part of ignoring or just mere a simple message is deemed as giving them space. This is just from our angle and yes I do agree if there are exceptional situations where the victim really needed to be alone and probably we should just leave them alone because we are more worried of hurting them deeper by making them think about their loss.
But what I found most importantly is, even if the victim actually needed to be alone, it doesn’t necessarily say we should leave them alone. We should at least offer some help to her this so called victim pull through. We should at least be there mentally and physically to help the victim whether he really needs us or not.
After reading this article and learning this situation from another angle, I think I am already a better person where I will think more for others. This is one basis where Rinpoche always teaches us to be caring and always think for others. I am one person who tends to automatically think for others. I am now able to think more for others at least. This makes me feel bad too because I haven’t been doing so but I will from now on know what I should be doing when similar situation arises.
Really thankful to this sharing Rinpoche as this makes me think deeper and act on my flaws. Thank you again, justin
I’m very very fortunate to read this article, in just 5 simple points but it has clearly pointed out much we can do to a person who is in grief.
There are many powerful quotes that allow us to digest fully to become a more caring and understanding person, when someone close to us are in grief, even we really don’t know what to say, even if we just remain silent, but at least we can be present, be a listener and give support to that person.
I always used my thinking to put it on others, example, when I’m in grief or unhappy, I prefer to be alone without other people disturbing, so with this, I also thought that when others in pain, they would want their own space and not others to disturb. But Linda Carroll said this only serve my own need, not others. It is very true, we think, we assume, it is all about myself, I don’t like this, I assume others to don’t like as well, I want to be like this, I assume others to be the same, but everyone is different, how can all be the same?
Lesson learn from this article is, when someone else are in grief or unhappy, instead of imagining my own feeling in that situation, I should focus out and feel what they feel. It’s not about saying the right thing, but it is doing the right thing.
I am glad reading this article to learn some knowledge for helping people during akward situation when they facing pain of lose or depress mode. I experienced most of the people are sad and depress, listen their story and companies them by their side to show my support with them. Some time people just to need to let it all out with their emotion. When it out they felt better not keep holding their emotion and suffer from that pain.
Having said that, is alway hard to start to break the silent, don’t know what right thing to said when people feel sad. Is important for us to make any convasation to show care to comfort others. I learn more to be selflessness and put other first when they need help. Thank for Rinpoche sharing this article
In times of pain and loss we feel down and depressed. As described in the article, many tend to avoid to talk to us because they may think that they will say something wrong and only create more suffering. But this is not true as we give support in times of need. By listening, we allow the person to express herself if she wishes to talk and give a support that is much needed in difficult times.
This article is a good reminder that we should not be afraid but to follow our heart and not be scared to show our support. Telling the person that we are there for her, and that she can count on us and to help in daily life does help. It is easy to be a good friend in good times but it may need courage to be a good friend in difficult times but during this time it is more important and more helpful.
Before everything happened, as a person, we all should strive to be a a better person, a person who is understanding, patient, rational, cool headed and more. These positive qualities of a person could save lives of a stranger’s who is planning to jump off a 65- stories height building, a friend who has broke his leg and lost his job, a family member who has diagnosed that he can only live for another 3 months. I’m bringing this out here is because no one will ask for helps and supports from a person they do not like, has no sense of secure, untrustworthy and more. We might have close relationship with many people, but when they face problems will they look for us? Or it is worse that even we go forward to provide care, the person will ask us to leave directly or indirectly, because he/she think that “Kent could never know how I feel and he will not able to help because he cannot even take care of himself and was criticising our best friend,Joe, during his lowest point of life, saying that he is like a lady who cannot bear with what has fallen on his shoulders.”
I think deep and I wish people who are here think deeper.
If we do not care about others due to our selfisheness. We should even do more to prepare ourselves to help, because we do not know when we need the same help.
The article alert me on we are more focus on ourselves and we made assumption. The assumptions we made can lead to misunderstandings and a lack of communication and therefore we say nothing. Apart from assumption, most of us still struggling should we say or not to say. In my opinion this is all depend on our motivation.
Beside we can develop our compassion through handling this type of situation. Many of us mistaken Compassion is same as empathy; empathy is you place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. However compassion is more than empathy, compassion bear the pain for others. Compassion always works together with Wisdom. Compassion and wisdom is just like 2 eyes work together and see things deeply. That is my level of understanding. By developing our compassion, we should easily handle suggested points mentioned in the article.
This article reminds us to be mindful of our words and actions when dealing with people during their bereavement or in times of despair. After reading and discussion in the KFR group chat I have learnt not to use these 2 sentences (things happen for a reason & I can understand how you feel). Everybody react and feel differently in dealing with their loss so we can never understand how they feel. The 5 points that you have highlighted will be very useful in helping me to handle situations like this in future. Instead of saying or doing nothing we can lend them our ears or a shoulder to cry on to let them know that they are not alone. Through dharma I have learnt so much about selflessness. Thank you Rinpoche for helping me to become a better person through your teachings.???
An article that make my day ( knock, knock and wake up ). I am a human and still contain the 3 poisons ( Desires, Hatred and Ignorant ) within my mind, those situations happened to me for all the time, eg : if my friend fall sicks, their parents, siblings and pets passed away. The common words i always used : Bro/Sis be strong, take care, may Buddha bless you and family, i’ll pray for you.. Except these words, i don’t really know what to say anymore. Frankly speaking, i don’t even spend time on them and listen to them.
What i learned from this article?
Admit That You Don’t Know What to Say
That’s a good start. Try something simple that breaks the ice and starts a conversation, or at least sends a message to the other person that they’re not alone.
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I could say the perfect thing, but I know there’s nothing to fix it. I just wanted you to know I care and am here with you.”
Listen
If the person is willing to talk, listen. It’s the single most vital thing you can do.
Listen to their story without interrupting. Don’t turn the conversation back to you with statements like, “I know what you’re going through—my dog died last year.”
Don’t tell them what they will, or should, feel. Simply acknowledge their pain and listen to what it’s like for them.
We all have different styles of managing shock and distress. Some people are angry, while others seem numb. Still others turn to gallows humor. Your job is not to correct them but to give them space to be the way they need to be.
Rather than Saying, ”Let Me Know If I Can Do Anything,” Offer to Do Something Practical and Specific
Taking on an ordinary task is often most helpful. Offer to shop for groceries, run errands, drive the kids somewhere, or to cook a meal or two. Ask if you can call tomorrow, or if they want to be left alone for a few days.
When Survey Monkey’s CEO Dave Goldberg died suddenly, his wife, Sheryl Sandberg, wrote the following:
When I am asked, “How are you?” I stop myself from shouting, “My husband died a month ago, how do you think I am?” When I hear “How are you today?” I realize the person knows that the best I can do right now is to get through each day.
Why i wanna copied these few sentences? It’s remind me if the same situations happened to me again, i’ll practice it First and apply to others. If i wanted to convince others, i would make myself to showed in action rather than just talk only.
Deepest from my heart
Eric kksiow
These are good pointers for most people as we do come across such situations and we got stuck not knowing what to say. All of us has gotten into such situations and may get into similar situations when we are the ones on the receiving end. How we felt and what we needed most during those difficult times may be similar to what others feel and need although they may be not the same. People in grief usually would want to express their sorrows and it would be a great help if we could lend our ears and shoulders.
It’s always caught in between when people are in such situation. Some may think of a way to help to fix or some may choose to avoid taught that better to say nothing than say the wrong thing.
From this article it really help me to think that either what mentioned above is all about us rather than the person that in pain that going through the unfortunate situation. We are more worried about ourself.
The 5 ways in the article really open up my mind. We should focus out for the person and our present is not to fix but to be there to support them. Sometimes what they need is our ear to listen or our present just as company. Everyone react to situation differently and there is no way we can tell people we understand what they going through but what best is our honest motivation to be there for them.
What worst can happen when we offer to listen or company. If they really don’t need us then we just give them the space and time. The very least we try to be there for them.
I’d usually say something simple than to say the wrong thing. Like ‘please take care, let me know if u need anything.’ I believe I would like to hear the same thing if I was going through grieving. Or help out in small little things to help ease a bit of burden like what was mentioned in the post. Maybe do some cooking, basic house chores, etc.
But come to think of it now, after reading this post and discussion with KFR team and guests, I guess I can actually do more than what I said above. By physically being there for the grieving person helps a lot whether they want it or not. For the person to know that they are not alone and I will be there for them. In another way, I must learn to be more caring and understanding in order to do more to ease their pain.
Some of us prefer to leave it alone and try hard not to hurt the grieving person more, but I think that is wrong. We should actually be more mindful of their pain. In time, we can also encourage them to move on and heal.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this article. I believe all of us in our life, will go through this moment one day. Is either we are the one that comfort others or, we are the one that are being comforted. I remember in year 2011, was the year that I had most of my family members passed away. First was my god father, then my grandmother, then my uncle. The one that I remember the most was my god father. It was a sudden death. Died because of heart attack. During his wake, my god sister was crying. I was in the same grief as her, but of course she had a deeper grief than me as it was her own father. I didn’t know what to say to her, I just pet my hand on her shoulder, gave her a side hug, and she leaned on my shoulder and cried. I think that was the most thing I could do during that moment. In my experience being comforted, I think most of the Chinese, especially guys, don’t really know how to comfort people. I remember during my university time, my girl friend broke up with me while I was studying in the UK and she was in Malaysia. I was in my greatest sadness in my own room, and suddenly my friend (guy friend) knocked on my door and just came out one sentence from his mouth “Don’t be so sad bro, aiya….. actually we all don’t like your girl friend one lah.” Then he walked out from my room and close the door just like that. I suddenly “woke up” from my sadness and stunt. I didn’t know how to respond. After that we joked about it, it was really funny and quite comforting in a way. At least he thought that was comforting and at least he did say something 🙂
After reading this article, now I know when the day come, I know how to comfort people. I am a person that don’t really know what to say during that moment. I think the most I can do is, letting that person know that I am there for him/her, and listen to what she/he wants to say. Thank you Rinpoche _/\_
There had been many times that I was caught in such a situation that I really felt so bad for the person that I did not know what to do nor to say if I was to touch base with the person who had suffered a horrendous loss.
As such this article had helped me a lot to think of those past instances and what I can actually do now.
The latest encounter had with this situation was when I received a whatsapp from a close relative of mine who told me that her husband was diagnosed with a stage 4 pancreatic cancer and had spread to the liver.
My first reaction was sadness and as advised I put “myself” aside and instead of wallowing in my sadness, I called her instead of replying with a whatsapp message. I asked her about her husband and she started to cry and talked about what happened.
I listened and then told her that I would go see her. I did that and it worked as she felt some relief in being cared for.
There is really not best way to handle such instances but to focus out on the person in distress/grief and just face them with care and kindness and the rest will fall into place. As mentioned in this article, do not avoid by doing and saying nothing.
Dear Rinpoche
Thank you for this wonderful post. The content of the post applies to everyone since all of us at one point of another have experienced loss of loved ones and undergone unpleasant experiences such as being fired from a job. I could understand how Ms. Linda Carol, the writer, feels when her friends avoided her after she lost her son. It is uncomfortable to be around friends who are experiencing misery. But I think to avoid them means that you are selfish. You don’t want to experience and share the suffering of life with your friends. If you just want to share the good time, then you are a user. As bad as it sounds but it is a fact.
It is rare to find someone who would share both the good and bad times with you. However, it is even rarer to find someone who is willing to give you accurate feedback, press your buttons and risk uncomfortable reactions from you. I think those who are prepared to do that is a real friend and the kindest person. I found this quality in my spiritual teacher, H.E. the 25th Tsem Tulku Rinpoche, and I am forever grateful to him. I came to him with a fixed set of views of how things should be, but through Rinpoche’s kindness and advice, my views and the way I look at things begin to change.
Valentina
These are very good tips because most often we really do not know what to say but to say nothing and do nothing is the worst. Sometimes people may not say anything but they can at least say it through their actions, simple actions like being around, helping out, even if it is to chip in and give a helping help during times of need say a lot!
It is understandable when you do not know what to say to another especially if we are not close to them or we are afraid we may say the “wrong” things, but we can I guess show it through different means.
When I experienced my husband died, I know there was nothing anyone could say or do to help me, no words of comfort could comfort, but people still did so and people were around, so that helped a lot. The worst part is when something tragic happens, like when a loved one passes, is for them to be left ‘alone’ on their own.
I admit I am one of the worst person when it comes to saying something to another when they are experiencing something bad. Usually instead of saying the fake “I’m so sorry to hear the news” and then leave them be, cos I hate all those, so I usually won’t say such things but instead I try to be around and help out. And if it is someone I am close to, the best thing to do is to hug them and tell them you are here and actually really BE THERE. Your words/actions means a lot to the person and the last thing you need is fake comments and useless suggestions.
So these are good tips for those of us who are tongue tied when something bad happens to someone by saying “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I could say the perfect thing, but I know there’s nothing to fix it. I just wanted you to know I care and am here with you.” AND REALLY MEAN IT by being there and helping in any way no matter how small it may be.
This is a very helpful article for those who doesn’t know what to say or do when our friends are needed us the most. i am that type of person who will get suck into the sadness easily. when i see others cried, i will follow. So this is not really helpful. I really need to adjust my own emotional first. Hence when come to case this that, keeping him/her accompany, be there for her/him is really important. I am glad that today i learned something useful that can bring comfort to others when they are facing the tough time.
A very solid and powerful article about how to be there for others when they are grieving or had a sudden unexpected loss. Very good to remember these five points to console and bring some reprieve to others.
This is a very good article that I genuinely think everyone should read. It is excellent advice and this is just very useful as all people would go through a period where a loved one loses someone and you have to be there for them.
I do believe that listening is the most important part to play in helping someone in a situation that cannot be helped. It is hard but most of the time they just need someone around and someone to talk to. Amazing article.
It’s natural that we would want to offer our help whenever we see our loved one or friends in deep pain. But often we do not know how to react and what to say. We sometimes choose to avoid the person and it usually means that we avoid facing the feeling we have too. If we could look within and examine our feeling, we normally feel shock, pain, fear too, same as the person who experience terrible things in their lives now. If we could deal with our feeling, accept it, know that we did nothing wrong, then we will naturally have the courage to face that person. Thereafter, we will find the right words to say and the appropriate help to offer. As long as we don’t give advice, lecture, but just show our sincere heart, willingness to listen and be with them, that will be all they need to pull them through the toughest moment in life.
Dear Rinpoche,
These tips are certainly pragmatic and I would say would be the most practical on how to respond or offer comfort for someone in grief.
I remembered very clearly during my late mother’s bereavement in 2015, when a Kechara Pastor came over to offer to listen and to share the Dharma. I was having regrets over my mother’s passing, but the comforting words and the Dharma sharing by Pastor really turned my mind around and relieved so much of the pain and regrets that I had.
The main and critical difference here is that being in Dharma and having friends and Pastors really help. I could imagine there are countless of us out there who are without Dharma and when they lose someone close, it is extremely difficult to cope and take a long time to heal, although some may not heal.
I must really thank Rinpoche for bringing the Gelug lineage to Malaysia and opening up the Protector practice to us here so that we can embark on our Dharma journey more effectively.
Humbly yours
Lum Kok Luen
This is so true that we have to manage our own feelings first before we approach to other people especially when they are in pain and grief. For this instance, we can do meditation and do practice as per Rinpoche’s teachings which are definitely will help us to watch and monitor our mind. We may practice empathy and compassion, we should try to feel and understand the pain that the other people feel. On the other hand, we have to put down our ego and admit that if we really don’t know what to say. Remember that hold onto our ego will lead us away to enlightenment.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this meaningful article.
As I am getting older each day, the more chance I have to meet with such incidents of people passing. As spiritual practitioners, we should do our best to serve others and take care of the person’s well being. This article is really helpful especially point 5 where we actually help the person to do some of their daily routines which will help them to adjust their emotion during the difficult time. This article is really helpful for us to serve others better.
The worst thing we as supposed dharma practitioners may tend to say when tragedy or calamity hits somebody is “It’s karma, it’s due to what you did in previous lives” and also, “Don’t take it too hard, this is impermanent”. Mind you, I’ve heard that being uttered as dharma advice and I cringe upon hearing that kind of counsel. It is heartless and crass. Though technically that is fact, the timing couldn’t be worse. That is rubbing it in and may turn people away from dharma.
People do not need a sermon during vulnerable times, they just need a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. It is great comfort to know that someone is there and available, someone shares your pain, someone is sensitive to your need and someone is willing to help take care of things if needed, again, if needed.
Many a friend will walk down the other side and avoid you, I guess, because they prefer not to be dragged down by your grief, they are emotionally unavailable, they will take but not give. It just takes too much from them that they are not willing to give.
It is also not good to pry. When someone asks for help for a problem, maybe even request for a puja with some brief information, then you come back and say tell us everything in detail, we want to know what exactly is your problem before recommending a puja, it could be a big turn-off. You don’t need to know all the details and the Buddhas already know all that needs to be known. I don’t think there’s such a thing as a wrong puja.
After reading this article, I recalled back of my closed friend grief over her mom’s passing.Her mourning was so deep that I had to accompany her everyday.Actually, this article really helps a lot. At that time, I really speechless and I don’t know what I could do,to make my friend feel better.
All I could do is accompany her, make her feel comfort, talk to her, mentality encourage her and advice her in spirituality. It’s quite hard to comfort people who are in grief and depression. A lot of patience need to put in. I’m glad my closed friend recovered from her pain and she is doing well.
I humbly thank you Rinpoche for advice and sharing this great article.
Dear Rinpoche,
Having been through the trauma of losing the loved ones ( not once but twice) was indeed devastating. I think there are people who prefers silent support more than anything else. One great tips here is trying to see what we can do instead of asking unnecessarily or not doing anything. On the other hand, try to listen and listen (yes, listen) again eventhough we might have heard it several times. As relatives, try not to ask why happened like that or what should be done earliet to prevent this, especially now as a Buddhist, we know that death can happened anytime, anywhere and to anyone. Another thing is, try to be the last to go and the first to arrive ( if we are closely related). Offer to be on guard to allow those who are grieving to have some rest.
Very very thankful having friends (even Pastors and Kecharians) and family to be with me when my dad and bro passed away.
Thank you Rinpoche for this great article.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing the five meaningful ways of helping someone suffering a great loss, “when you feel there is nothing you can do”. Most times, we feel so helpless, we just clam up and avoid the person in grief, in case we put our big foot into our mouth. But now , this article advises otherwise.
The main thing is to be there for that person, to just give emotional support . Even if we can’t find the right words to say, we can just do something simple from the heart, like cooking a meal for them. The best words of advice : “You can’t fix what happened, but you can sit with someone, side by side, so they don’t feel quite so alone. That requires only intention, a willingness to feel awkward, and an open, listening heart. It’s the one gift that can make a difference”.
Having a “listening heart”, showing empathy and being there to show support and showing you care, will make a lot of difference to that person in suffering. It will start us on the road to developing compassion, as it is about not being able to stand seeing someone in pain and doing something real about it to relieve suffering.
After reading this article, it makes me think about mistakes that often made for item 2 and item 5.
How ignorance I am.
With this article which is simple and precise. I will use it as self- improvement and to help others.
Thank you
Tsem Rinpoche
With folded hands
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this article. I truly agree that sometimes that we are lost of words to comfort other people who are in grief or sad. Thank you very much for the tips given on how to help or being with those people who are in pain. All we want to see is that they don’t stay much longer in their sad state and to recover quickly from it.
With folded palms,
Vivian
“” Do read and keep these methods in mind; bringing others relief from pain, whether physical, mental or emotional, is one of the core methods to develop true compassion and care in our being “” this is indeed the precious message from Rinpoche !!
When our motivation is to “relief others” we will have to put aside our own feelings and emotions and focus on how best to help others. This core practice is the most basic and common practice but often the hardest to put in practice because we are so habituated to put “me first”. Due to this habituation we are often muddled and lost for words on how to comfort or help others. If we sincerely want to help then we have to put aside the “self”.
At every juncture (good/bad) Rinpoche will use it as a teaching to help his students understand better, to reduce our ignorance and attachments. Rinpoche has recently demonstrated yet again this point of putting away the “self” through His own actions and I am very humbled by my Guru’s selfless compassion and wisdom . My deepest gratitude and with folded hands.
Those are very helpful advice indeed. Many a time, I have faced similar situations where I didn’t know what to say at all except to hold their hand and give them a hug. That didn’t help my own feeling of inadequacy. But as per advice #1, manage your own feelings, we are of no help but rather may affect the other person with adverse emotions. So, it is very important and I agree that it is the no. 1 thing to do.
So, a very timely and practical article for us. Thank you, Rinpoche for the article.
Interesting article that we could overcome situation of grieving and of helping loved ones and friends.What to say and not to say involvement during times of sorrow…..something to learn from this article.Good sharing i did learn more of what to do during time of sadness and grief faced by friends or whoever so.
I remembered when i lost my sister and my brother in law between one week apart never one comfort me as shared in this article.They were more interested in knowing how that incident happened. It was indeed very painful for me as i am already in shock,scared and sad.Through my experience a good gesture ,listening and accompany them will be good and helpful.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this helpful and interesting article.
It is without doubt, that during times of sorrow, anyone would yearn for hope of relief for their sorrowful pain and emotional mental agony. They are truly desolute of their need for compassion, suppot or any comforting words of consolution to ease the pain being forced upon them. As our friends, or family loved-ones who need our comforting and support at such time of calamity, shouldn’t we get involved? If you avoid them at such time of need, it serves to show your selfish purpose and not theirs! To console them at the meeting of such a sorrowful occassion, we should out of respect for their grief, allow them to speak first. We should remain a silent patience listener, having deep feeling and understanding for their sorrow, and finally to offer words of comfort to relieve their sufferings. Of course it is better to say something, no matter however simple it maybe, rather than to say nothing at all. Thank you Rinpoche for your wisdomised guiduance in this respect.
At one point or another, everyone will go through grief, and have that immense overwhelming feeling of pain within. Everyone experiences and deals with trauma and grief differently – some want to be left alone, some just want a shoulder, some dive into distracting themselves from their thoughts and the reality. Whatever it is, for certain, each and everyone wants to know they have people to rely on, fall upon in these times. I’ve been in situations before, not knowing what to do, or what to say, or perhaps saying the wrong things without realising it until the words left my mouth, but it’s better to be there for them and let them know that you are there for them, than to keep a distance. The care and comfort received might just propel the person, into overcoming their pain and grief in unimaginable ways. Pehaps people don’t want to say something to those in pain because they don’t want to have to go out of their way to do something to help, or perhaps your pain doesn’t bother them, but It would be good to put yourself in the shoes of those suffering, and think what you would need and want, and then you can do that. Thanks for sharing Rinpoche.
This is an interesting article that touches on a sensitive subject of grieving and of helping loved ones and friends cope with intense grief. A year ago, my mother passed away and for the first time in my life, I felt that intense, paralysing feeling of grief and for the initial first few days of preparation for the wake, calling, meeting and talking to family and friends, I felt numb. I didn’t cry and could not cry because I didn’t really have the time or space to grieve.
Talking about saying the wrong thing, I had a few people come up to me and my dad and tell me that we should have done more to prevent my mom’s death. Can you imagine that? After telling the story of how my mom passed away several dozen times, this was certainly a new reaction and nonetheless, it made my blood boil. Anyway, I didn’t really experience people keeping a distance that much but I certainly had my fair share of people saying totally the wrong things.
For whatever reason these people had, it was certainly painful for me and my dad to hear it and totally uncalled for. I think it is common sense and obvious decency not to say such things to grieving relatives of the deceased. We are already in shock, deeling with our grief, why would you only think about how you feel and negate how we feel. But that is the real world for you and you get all manner of people in varying levels of selfishness and we have to just deal with people as they come.
This is a good article and guide for us when we are faced with such situation. Sometimes not saying is better than saying wrong and hurtful things to others. We can offer practical and exact help instead of a general statement. When a person experiencing sad state, he/she could not even have a clear mind to ask the help they need. Hence, understanding and supports from friends and close one are very important.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this article.
Thank You Rinpoche for sharing this valuable tips to us. My father has passed away in acute heart attack. He left us without a word. I was hiding myself out in a corner in my father funeral and wish everyone could leave me alone so that I could stay more time with my father and chat Amitabha mantra to him. I think I would feel more relief if there were somebody with me to provide silent support to me.
However, when I think back, I wish I would have chance to bring him to Rinpoche when he was still alive so that he can pick up Dharma and practice Dharma to collect more merits for his next life. I really I wish I could do for him so if I can travel back to past. I always think that since my body is given by him, hence, if I practice Dharma well maybe he could benefit from it in next life. That is all I can give to him now. I wish my dad well in next life. Thank You Rinpoche for guiding me all the while.
This could not have been any timelier as we just lost a dear uncle yesterday. When I was younger, I was guilty of keeping quiet for fear of upsetting or offending the grieving party. With this write-up, I will try the tips offered instead of just hugging the grieving party and saying,”Let me know if I can do anything.” I also realised that with such immense grief, one would not know how to ask for another person to help as the sheer intensity of one’s grief often shuts down the ability to function as one would normally do. Hence, why offering to help out with specific tasks is a practical and useful way to help.
Thank you for posting this, Rinpoche and blog team. Most definitely very helpful.
Thank you, Rinpoche for this sharing. Many of us who grew up in the traditional oriental culture are often at a loss for words and gestures when it comes to showing sympathy and empathy, especially towards people who suffered great pain due to deceased of a dear one. I have learned it through my own experience that saying something, in spite not saying the perfect words, is better than not saying anything at all. A simple gesture or words of consolation could be exactly the all that the person need to carry on for the next moment. Being a good listener is definitely the best thing to offer because, for the person who is suffering, his/her only outlet and relief is speaking the pain out. I think it is better to let the person speaks out rather than internalizes the pain that no one else can understand nor feel.
Everyone will go through this experience of knowing someone who had faced loss or tremendous stress. Often times we feel at lost as to how we are able to best offer our help or comfort, especially someone we may not know as well but empathise their situation. At least now I learn some tips on how to respond correctly instead of making the other person feel worse. Previously I would have shared my own experience thinking that it may help a little but now learnt that it actually detracts the attention from the person’s sufferings. I do agree that we should not keep quiet as the other person may think we do not care enough or worse, that he/she may feel he/she is at fault or alone. Speaking out or doing something is putting our thoughts into action of caring. Thank you for sharing this helpful and applicable article Rinpoche.