(By Tsem Rinpoche and Pastor Han Nee)

“To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part“
~ Traditional Marriage Vow

In life, our actions and pursuits have always been aimed at finding happiness. Hence, when we embark on a permanent relationship like marriage, our goal is also towards finding happiness with another person. As we recite the marriage vows at our wedding, we fervently pray and place implicit faith and trust in a divinity to take care of our happiness and well-being. We envision a life of bliss together until the end of our days, growing old gracefully together, as we sail into our sunset years. Poets, bards, and singers have made this the topic of their work for time immemorial:

“Grow Old Along With Me
The Best Is Yet To Be
When Our Time Has Come
We Will Be As One”
~ John Lennon

Following our habituated way of thinking, the source of whatever happiness we seek from marriage appears to be the picture of an ideal partner. In fact, even as we embark on a long-term relationship with our partners, we already have expectations and projections on our partner. We expect to be happy when our partner conforms to our own set of norms, way of thinking, and expectations. In order to correct this mistaken view, we need to look deeply into ourselves and see that happiness does not come from holding mistaken projections and expectations. In fact, when these expectations and projections are unfulfilled, they are likely to cause us disappointment, pain, and anguish instead.

The ways to love and cherish your partner is to ensure their happiness and well-being are enshrined in the six marriage vows formulated by His Eminence the 25th Tsem Rinpoche, a renowned Buddhist teacher, whose books such as “Be Happy” and “Why I Make Myself Unhappy” show us how he skillfully applies Buddhist psychology to guide us towards real happiness. His six vows revolve around the most profound and unerring principle of how to be happy: be happy by making others (including our partner) happy and relieving them of their unhappiness.

After countless sessions of counseling couples on relationship issues by applying Buddhist psychology based on ancient wisdom and his profound insights into modern day psychological problems, Tsem Rinpoche noticed a recurring pattern in unsuccessful relationships. Taking this pattern, he formulated the following six vows:

1. To be faithful
2. To support each other through thick and thin
3. To improve one’s weak points for each other
4. Respect each other (including our beliefs)
5. Share our wealth with each other, and
6. Defend each other

Conversations in Love by Buddhist Pastor David Lai is a book aimed at teaching you how to live a fulfilling and loving relationship

Pastor David Lai, author of “Conversations in Love”, calls these six vows the Holy Grail of relationships and marriages. Taking and holding these vows involve both partners and requires a complete transformation in mind-sets and outlook. Instead of being fixated on yourselves and your own needs and wants, as you have been habituated to do in the past, you expand from the viewpoint of self-cherishing to cherishing your partner out of pure love for them. All of your best efforts should be invested in keeping these vows well and consistently. Your happiness is one hundred percent dependent on holding these vows.

“Conversations in Love” is a book consisting of six sets of conversations revolving around the above six marriage vows. Each chapter has an introduction that elucidates the advice given by Tsem Rinpoche on how to hold the particular vow in order to maintain a lasting relationship. What I find interesting is that each conversation, that follows the introduction and commentary by the author, discusses the vow from the different perspective of each one of the four speakers, as well as the problems and challenges involved, based on their individual observations and experience. The conversations are lively and scintillating. The most moving part of the book for me is in Chapter 6 – Love Beyond Beliefs.

Love Means Respecting the Beliefs of Each Other

The story of Tsem Rinpoche’s Uncle Naran and Aunt Hani and their extraordinary love for each other that transcended the bounds of religion and culture must surely make this the most moving part of the book.

The introduction states that a partnership must have the basis of mutual respect for each other. The respect must extend to embracing respect for your partner’s religious and cultural beliefs as well as the value systems that your partner holds, which governs their way of doing business, their ethics at work, the way to raise children, clean the house, drive the car and even do the shopping.

Tsem Rinpoche gives the beautiful example of the relationship of his Uncle Naran, a Buddhist, who married a Christian, Aunt Hani. Aunt Hani was a staunch Catholic and had unwavering devotion for the Pope. Uncle Naran, on the other hand, was a staunch Buddhist and was incredibly devoted to the Dalai Lama. However, the love between his uncle and aunt transcended their religious beliefs. They would go to each other’s church or temple for prayer services from time to time. They had their own simple altars by their bedside – one an altar to Lord Buddha and the other to Mother Mary. Their daughters embraced their beliefs by wearing a Buddha image, a crucifix and a pendant of Mother Mary, without any sense of confusion. Rinpoche’s aunt once told him: “I love my husband and I love everything about him and I go along with everything he says… I respect my husband and my husband respects me”. The daughters were made to feel that they had half of their father and half of their mother. So they were neither Buddhist nor Catholic. Rinpoche’s uncle was a “wonderful Buddhist, a good father, a good husband and a good person” and his aunt was a “wonderful Christian and person too.”

Respect for each other led them to look for the common ground and the similarities such as compassion, understanding, love, generosity and patience. They were better people because they practised the core principles of religion, never criticising nor finding fault with each other’s faith or value systems.
Respecting our partner’s beliefs goes beyond religion. It also means we let our partner do things their way, or the way they are used to. Indeed, if you truly love your partner you would let them do what they really want to do. A person’s interests is what keeps them going. You should not tie them to you and insist that they spend all their time with you. This is not true love but selfish love. It shows that you love yourself and that you don’t actually love your partner. You are making use of them to fan your love for yourself.

In a conversation within the book, Brandon advises Foong, “If you truly love (your girlfriend), you must let her pursue what she loves. She loves to do charity on the weekends. You should join her from time to time and encourage her to do what she wants to do. Don’t think that it will take the time away from the time she has to spend with you. After all, she is doing something good and you have a whole lifetime to spend together anyway”.

If you build up a good daily relationship of genuine love and care for your partner, based on honesty and respect, trust will naturally develop in their minds. You will live in harmony, confident of each other’s love and support, with mutual trust and understanding underlying your relationship. The moment you stop them from doing what they had always loved to do before you married, conflict will arise. This is a sure recipe for arguments and disharmony in your marriage.

From the Conversation – The case of a recent divorcee, whose marriage fell apart because she had been caged in and controlled by a selfish and demanding husband.

Brandon: “She just got divorced and is quite emotional. She is still upset and is spending sleepless nights over it.

He (her husband ) apparently controlled her and didn’t like the fact that she is very passionate about a charity that she used to help out. She gave it up just to be with him. But after a year, her marriage fell apart.

She had enough and decided to divorce him because he started becoming more and more aggressive with her and she didn’t know what to do…He has been controlling her ever since they got married. He has been controlling and wouldn’t allow her to go out and volunteer at her favourite charity”.

Brandon: “Her husband made her quit her job when they got married”.

Stella: “It’s really sad. If only her husband would respect her and allow her to do what she wanted.”

Respect for each other must be built on a strong basis of sincere love and care. If there is no genuine love and care and there is no trust, honesty and respect, the marriage will surely crumble.

Below are other important and profound aspects of the six marriage vows that this book explains and discusses.

Love Is Being Faithful to Each Other All the Way

In the section on the vow of fidelity, Tsem Rinpoche gives a very profound and far-reaching piece of advice regarding how two partners in a marriage can remain faithful to each other:

“Every day of your lives together, from the very first day of your marriage, remind yourself of the qualities of your partner that caused you to fall in love with them.”

“The most important thing about getting married is the need to remain faithful to each other. We have chosen this person for ourselves, no one forced us to be with this person”.

I find that constantly reminding ourselves of the reasons why we fell in love is a most powerful piece of advice. If everyone were to follow this piece of advice with great love and compassion than surely any marriage would be able to survive even the worst crisis.

When we have checked a person out and seen for ourselves that they possess the qualities we like and that these are suitable or compatible qualities for our own, we should constantly remind ourselves of these qualities that made us fall in love with them in the first place. In fact, we should do this daily. The need to do this is especially crucial in times when difficulties arise. This constant reminder will help us weather the worst storms of life.

The price of being unfaithful is too high. Infidelity can break and shatter the partner’s heart. If there are children, it will affect their minds and influence their lives in the future. Children are young, vulnerable, and insecure emotionally. Hence, infidelity breeds worry and mistrust in a child’s mind. The crack in the precious circle of love of a family is hard to repair. This crack gets worse if the parent’s infidelity continues and the mistrust deepens. Eventually, as the marriage breaks apart, the entire family is torn apart, not just physically but emotionally as well.

Cheating on a partner in any way is disastrous for any marriage. Emotional cheating is a dangerous game, as the characters portray in one of the conversations in the book. It’s playing with fire, risking everything for a few moments of excitement of for the purpose of advancing in one’s career.

“There’s a fine line where flirting stops being harmless and borders on dangerous. Once emotions get into the mix, you get a recipe for disaster”.

Divorce and Dissolution of Partnerships Are Happening as Never Before

One reason given (in a conversation) for marriages of yesteryear lasting longer is that the elders did not accept divorce as an option.

“People (of yesteryear) are conservative and they hide their marital problems. After so many years they just live together although everything else is falling apart… They’d rather stay ‘nominally’ married than risk being scorned as a divorcee. So they stay unhappily married.”

Another speaker, Stella, notes that a few older friends have admitted that “they don’t have feelings for their spouses anymore but would rather stay married than start all over again.”

Relationships Must Be Strenuously Maintained: the Daunting Prospect of a Marriage Especially When You Have a Career

There is no true marital bliss after a few years because the gritty reality of marriage sets in.

Stella: “But that’s what all human relationships are like if they are not maintained. Marriage is not a bed of roses like in the movies and it gets worse when you feel like you have to put up with this person for the rest of your married life. [That’s why (my partner) and I are not rushing into it. I’d rather focus on my career for the time being]”.

The Guy You Marry Transforms into an Overgrown Mama’s Boys

Brandon: “Boys are always nice when you are dating them. But when you marry them, they transform into overgrown mama’s boys. You suddenly have to take care of cooking, housework, kids, your career, if you have one, and you’re expected to perform at night…”!

How Does One Deal with the Problem of an Overgrown Mama’s boy?

One speaker, Stella, recounted her firm and skilful way of handling this. When she agreed to “iron her partner’s clothes”, she made it clear that she was helping him out initially. If he had continued to expect it, she would have pointed out that she wasn’t his maid and they “would have probably ended up arguing some more”. Fortunately, in this case, her partner was reasonable and did not insist that she continued doing it!

Love Partnerships Can Degenerate into Differences, Arguments and Conflict When Boredom Sets In

Brandon’s observation: For two people who have decided to begin a relationship, “everything will be fine for a few years, but your problems will start to crop up after that. You guys will be bored with each other. It will manifest in differences, arguments and conflict, you know, the kind of troubles that happen in all relationships”.

“I don’t think you guys are that bad but men (as well as some women)can change (degenerate)especially after they’ve been in the same relationship for a few years…They get too comfortable…familiarity breeds contempt”.

How Can We Ensure Partnerships Do Not Degenerate?

Changing your outlook and attitude from the start, and strenuously maintaining the relationship is keep to stop relationships from degenerating. Our attitude and outlook have to change. Instead of focusing on ourselves, we should focus outward towards our partner. We should also work hard at maintaining the relationship.

Another person in your life means you have to be always mindful about their happiness and well-being too. Whatever decisions or choices we make will have to be talked out with our partners as they will be affected. This is in sharp contrast to our making choices and decisions just for ourselves before we embarked on this relationship. So we need to take responsibility and adopt a whole new attitude and outlook in order to develop a truly loving relationship with our partners.

Loyalty and faithfulness are necessary ingredients of a successful and enduring marriage and long-term romantic relationships. They are qualities that must be nurtured in each other. They are an expression of our sincere love for each other, and both partners must strenuously work at upholding the vow of fidelity in the face of the formidable challenges that confront them.

We should also work hard at maintaining the relationship by supporting, protecting and defending our partner through thick and thin. We need to put a great deal of effort into improving on our weak points for the sake of each other. We should respect each other and hold up each other’s image in the eyes of our family, our friends and the world.

Love is about Supporting, Defending and Protecting Your Partner All The Way

Never tire of consoling your partner or spouse. Never let them feel abandoned when they are mired in problems or difficulties. Never let them feel alone with their problems, nor leave them feeling unsupported when they are facing difficulties. Be the first to step up to be there for them, to help them face their difficulties. Listen to them, hear them out and support them. Just be there for them, even if it means just smiling, holding their hands or making a pot of tea for them, and giving them moral support.

Brandon narrates the story of his aunt who had been very supportive of her husband.

“My aunty is very loyal to her husband. Years ago, when there was a family dispute between my uncle (and her family), my aunty sided with my uncle. Her whole family wasn’t happy with her for a while because of it… it was probably over something petty. They are one of the most loving couples I know. Everybody respects her for that: they had a really loving relationship, the kind you see in the movies.”

Stella comments on Albert (the current partner of one of the guys in a conversation) who is nasty and spoilt, who throws tantrums all the time, and sulks.

“Albert wouldn’t make a good long term partner. When you have problems, he doesn’t exactly seem the type that would be there for you. He is too caught up in his own world. It’s really sad because that’s a lonely place up there”.

Love Is a Shield – I Will Defend You

We should defend our partners and spouses in order to protect them. We should never go around complaining and saying unpleasant things about our partners to other people. Our partners are not there to defend themselves and we are actually putting ourselves down as well as our partners in the eyes of others. Whether the other party listening to us agree with us or not, it is not right to air our dirty linen in public.

Our partners may have faults which sometimes rear their ugly heads. But overall, they are wonderful people to be around. It is when they are down, that we should support them and not put them down, or talk about them and make them feel worse. Let them know you are there for them whenever they might need you. In this way, you show your loyalty to your partner.

Whenever you talk about them, you should be talking about their good qualities to others, and how they are your pillar and source of support. One of the worst things to do is to complain and whine to friends about your partner.

In the book, one conversation is about the case of a female acquaintance who has been whining and complaining about her failed relationship with her boyfriend. She kept on and on about the things that he did and said, and what went wrong, (but from her own selfish point of view).

The speakers agree that it was in poor taste for her to air her dirty linen in public like that. Whatever problems in a relationship should be not be aired in public, but should be talked over with one’s partner.

Stella: “Girls tend to nit-pick at their guys thinking to get them to be someone they’re not.”

Never nit-pick at your partner, however good your intentions. It will really have a negative impact on the relationship and set it back. Instead, you can skilfully help your partner correct the fault without putting them down. The following is an example of how this can be done.

Stella: “There’s a fine line between good intention and nit-picking. When I first met Steve, I used to complain about his crumpled clothes he wore on weekends and he resented it. We argued a lot and I finally decided it was too small an issue to constantly argue over. So I changed my method. I would compliment him and be extra loving when his clothes were ironed and eventually, he reciprocated by taking some time over his appearance”.

Love Is about Transforming Yourself to Be the Best Person for Your Partner

Marriage gives both partners a wonderful opportunity to be the best person for each other. However, we ourselves should transform first. In actual fact, we ourselves should first change and transform our negative habituations to accommodate the other – work on transforming ourselves and not expect the other to change. Never attempt to change your partner. Never set conditions for your partner to improve first before you. Rather be the example of change, and your partner is sure to follow suit.

Accept Your Partners as They Are – Never Try to Change Them

Stella: “Sometimes, you don’t find Mr Perfect. You find the regular guy with all his flaws. You make do, and you don’t try to change him or dump him or force him to be someone he’s not. You inspire him to change with love, sensitivity and a lot of patience”.

“Some girls tend to nit-pick at their guys and try to get them to be someone they’re not. My partner hates that about me and I learned to control my tongue real quick”.

I Will Improve My Weak Points for You

You should feel inspired to want to improve yourself because your partner has actually chosen you to be the one he or she will live with for the rest of their life. To live with you means to sleep, eat, and travel with you and to see your face every single day!

Instead of being nice to the rest of the world, and being nasty to your partner, you should be the kindest person of all to your partner. Remember, your partner will be the one to stick by you through thick and thin. Be the best you can be with your partner.

Never Let a Conflict – Differences or Arguments – Go Unresolved Overnight

Never use your speech or bodily actions to hurt your partner in any way. Never let a conflict or problem go unresolved and sleep on it. It gets worse the next day. People actually grow apart when they start to have differences and arguments. Then they stop talking to each other. All this can come about because you have wrong expectations and projections about your partner.

Your expectations and projections are based on your own upbringing. Always be mindful that you and your partner come from different backgrounds and upbringing. So you have been taught to do things in different ways because of your different upbringing. Respect for each other’s ideas and ways of doing things is important.

If we begin on our part to improve on our faults and weaknesses, to become the best person for our partner, they will eventually reciprocate. If we adopt this attitude of continually seeking to improve ourselves for the other, our marriage/partnership will be a happy one, wouldn’t it? When we nurture each other in this way, our relationship will surely grow from strength to strength. Always be kind and respectful of each other.

In the book, there is a conversation in which Stella recounts how her partner reciprocated when she displayed a transformation from a negative attitude to a positive one.

Stella: “When I first met Steve, I used to complain about his crumpled clothes he wore on weekends and he resented it. We argued a lot and I finally decided it was too small an issue to constantly argue over. So I changed my method. I would compliment him and be extra loving when his clothes were ironed and eventually, he reciprocated by taking some time over his appearance.”

Entering a Commitment to Safeguard the Sanctity of a Relationship

When two people make the decision to marry and live with each other for the rest of their lives, they would have thought about it before finally making the decision. Their decision would be propelled by a truly deep and abiding love for each other. Hence, the very reason why two people decide to get married must always be upheld by their reminding themselves about it every day of their lives together. In general, marriage vows seal the sacredness of a relationship and the lifelong commitment of the partners to each other.

Love is about Sharing Whatever We Have with Our Partner

Sharing should be on a genuine “giving as much as we take” basis. We should neither take advantage of our partner nor adopt a selfish “give me” attitude. We should share in the truest sense whatever we have. This will strengthen the likelihood of the relationship being successful in the long term.
Whatever promises you have made to your partner, whether when you first met or later, you must keep your promises. Keeping your promise will bring to the relationship a sense of reliability that will engender you partner’s confidence in you. They will grow a deeper respect for you. A marriage must have a basis of mutual respect. This will foster greater respect and your children will trust you more, and in turn, you lead them to respect others in a similar way.

If you are genuinely unable to keep your promises to each other, you must sit down and talk with your partner, looking them in the eye. With sincerity, honesty, and from the depths of your heart, explain why you cannot fulfil your promise to your partner. Then ask your partner to help you fulfil that promise. Seek their support in whatever way they can give it. This is to prevent the marriage and the communication between the two of you from breaking down. This is to prevent the two of you from engaging in years of fighting, which will culminate in the two of you growing so far apart that you don’t even talk to each other anymore.

Here’s what it says in a conversation from the book:

Brandon: “You should share what you have with your partner. She would appreciate little gifts of love and appreciation from time to time, don’t you think”?

Brandon: “Most important of all is that you should be faithful and never forget to let her know what you are doing or where you are going especially when you are not in town. It’s very comforting and reassuring for them to be in the know. It also helps to send little sweet nothings now and again. Make sure you do it even if you’ve been in a relationship for over ten years.”

Why “Conversations in Love” Is a Must Read

This is a must-read book for anyone involved in or embarking on a long-term relationship. The book examines all the facets of such relationships, showing the possible faults and flaws in the make-up of people’s character and certain negative habituations and tendencies that may lead to a relationship breaking up. By holding these flaws and faults up to the light for us to see them clearly, the book points us to the six marriage vows once again. It highlights the fact that these vows unerringly guide partners in their relationship to ensure that they are happy and successful. Marriage and long term relationships will definitely succeed so long as these six vows are upheld.

Indeed, as “Conversations in Love” is all about how to apply the six vows to guide us towards a successful relationship, it is a manual that helps us steer our marriage or long term relationship on a steady course on a day-to-day basis. It teaches us to be mindful that our partner is an individual with a different set of beliefs and value system, as well as different upbringing, who has actually chosen to live with us for the rest of their lives. It reminds us and warns us of the possible pitfalls and traps which we are likely to encounter on this journey with our partner, how to avoid them, and not to succumb to them.

The message is loud and clear. Both partners hold in their hands, the success or failure of their relationship. It’s a conscious choice for or against happiness, every step of the way, so long as no selfish distractions divert either of you.

Where to Buy

You can purchase a copy of Conversations in Love at any of our Kechara Paradise outlets or Vajrasecrets, our online store, both of which stock a large range of other books and Buddhist practice items.

Vajrasecrets – SunwayMas
23-1, Jalan PJU 1/3G,
Sunwaymas Commercial Centre,
47301 Petaling Jaya,
Selangor, Malaysia.
Tel: +603 7803 3908

Vajrasecrets
https://www.vajrasecrets.com/products/conversations-in-love-ebook

 
For more interesting information:

• Spirituality Unexpected
• A Review of “Compassion Conquers All” By Tsem Rinpoche
• Nothing Changes Everything Changes
• Coming into Kechara: A Journey to Find My Spiritual Self
• The Kechara Pocket Prayer Book: A Review
• Faces of Enlightenment by Tsem Tulku Rinpoche – a Review
• Snakes, Roosters and Pigs by Tsem Rinpoche
• Be Happy
• Gurus for Hire, Enlightenment for Sale– A Review

Please support us so that we can continue to bring you more Dharma:

If you are in the United States, please note that your offerings and contributions are tax deductible. ~ the tsemrinpoche.com blog team