We Are Our Parents?
So much thought has been put into nature versus nurture in regards to why we do what we do and how we do it… I believe nothing is simple and uncomplicated as a straightforward answer can imply. Our minds, karmas and hundreds of thousands of lifetimes of imprints are at work within each of us. Each lifetime of accumulated karmas adds to the complications..Yes..so it does not get less complicated, but more..it’s continuous as long as we operate from wrong perceptions.Wherever we are we definitely had the karma to be there. I mean, the simple fact that we are living in this world deluding ourselves thinking we are in control when we are not, sums up so many things already. From our childhood, to teenage years till now, how much more has life become complicated or we have made it more complicated thinking we will achieve what we want?
We are the unwanted and sometimes we don’t accept the products of our parents. We think, do, act, talk, eat, perform so much like our parents consciously and unconsciously that sometimes we are in denial. Some of us had ‘wonderful’ parents and some of us were with parents that should have never been parents. How does karma play into this, in our previous immediate life, we opened the karma at the time of our deaths by our thoughts to take rebirth into this predicament. We have the karma to take rebirth into thousands of scenarios and those karmas are still latent, it is just what is opened at the precise moment. Meaning while we are dying, what our thoughts trigger open our unlimited karmic storehouse of latent karma.
I mean environment impacts us so much, and living with our parents and being at the most impressionable period of our lives, who do we see and interact with daily? Our parents of course. Many of our good habits ‘come’ from our parents as well as the ‘bad’. Their influence is inestimable.
Many of our fears, likes, phobias, prejudices, problems, difficulties and avoidances come as a direct result of our parent’s psychological impact on us. I have talked to hundreds of people, and when I get to know them better and they start talking about their parents. As I listen, all the bells go off and I just say, oh, that’s why they act and think this way…very similar…For example, I have students whose parents were very stingy as they were growing up…stingy to the point of damage to the mind of the child. They weren’t stingy because they didn’t have money, but they valued it over the child. When this person speaks they are totally stingy and give me all types of reasons that their fathers taught them…I was like ‘ok’. But they are ok, if someone else pays for them…I mean how come you don’t protect other people’s money too? That is just part of it, many times these people are emotionally very stingy. They let you take the responsibilities while they quietly sit and hope YOU find the solutions.. I’ve met other students who are giving and not calculative BECAUSE when they were growing up their parents were super stingy and cheapskates and they didn’t like that type of atmosphere where everything including them were viewed through monetary worth. So they resolved when they grow up, they will not be like that. Both being stingy and generous were a direct result of their parents….
Although we have been conditioned by the good and bad of our parents (after all they are human and we should still respect and care for them if we can), we can change. It is not just our parents, it is also culture, schools, peers, tv, prevailing attitudes, our country and so many more factors. But the top of the list, would be parents. I mean if we grew up in some backward and prehistoric country where people believe that if you are dark skinned you are inferior or if you are a woman, you are much lesser than a man. It definitely had strong impact on us for better or worse. We know skin color has nothing to do with who a person is and how they should be treated but unfortunately many hold on to wrong views about that.
I grew up listening to my stepfather’s 100% convictions that women are lesser than men and that they are just to serve men. He really believed that and lived his life that way. I ignored his derogatory comments at first about women when growing up and then as I started to think more, I examined much more. I noticed that I was more impressed with my stepmom than him. She had so much more better qualities than he did (sorry). She was stronger, smarter, much much much more capable, was honest, was honest in her marriage to him, was loyal, was very hardworking and he was none of those qualities…I looked at my relatives, and it was the female relatives like my cousin Susie Gugajew who were more compassionate, giving, loving and nurtured me much more than male relatives. I mean I had nice male relatives, but they didn’t reach out much to me. I am not putting down males, but quite the contrary, I find men and women totally equal. I’ve had wonderful men in my life such as my gurus who were very kind to me and very nurturing..so it isn’t that women are worse and men better or vice versa, it is equal. My point, I didn’t believe my stepdad’s convictions that women are lesser and should serve men. I examined this and I find it false. So in me I have a strong equality fairness about gender BECAUSE of my father’s views..It had a strong impact on me.
Well my dad’s views on women is just an example of the impact our parents have on us again, for better or for worse. My stepmom with all her good points also was not a mentally healthy woman, left undiagnosed for three decades. She didn’t get the medication she needed very badly and as a result the people around her suffered tremendously. People around her forgive her because they know it is not her. But when I was growing up, I was told I would not make it and be a loser and not have any friends almost daily. My mother would say that to me always among many other negative words. And for a while I believed her. I innately trusted her and for years, I would live my life that way. I am not worth it. If anyone was nice to me, it would not last I thought. Don’t trust anyone because I am not good enough for them to be with me and be my friends.
When I was growing up in New Jersey and going to school, I had heavy daily racial slurs thrown at me. I was called all types of derogatory racial names when growing up and it lessened in high school. But in elementary school from 5th-8th grade it was very bad. I disliked that part about America very much. When I left New Jersey and went to LA, I don’t remember any racial slurs anymore much…except a few places people put me down for not getting a tan and I was too light skinned???!!! When confronted with racial slurs as a kid, I said to myself, I will never live in the US when I grow up..that I will move to Hawaii or the Far East. When I lived in India for 8 years, I never received any racial slurs from Indian people. The racial slurs scarred me for years. When I came to the Far East and saw what Asians do, or have done or their old/unique/rich culture, I felt many years of racial scarring melting away…I have grown up now to think no one East or West is better or worse, but how we act in life. I realized through a lot of searching that it is ‘ok’ for me to be Asian or Oriental or Yellow. And there is NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. But my growing up years made me appreciate more now that it is who I am inside that makes me worth it or not, and that what I am on the outside only affects those people who are not mature, accepting and intolerant. They have issues also. It’s ironic that America has a black president and China is a major power now on equal par (or near it ) with the US. US takes China very seriously. Not everyone in America are prejudice of course, but where I grew up, it was in my experiences. America’s black president and China’s meteoric climb to a major global player would have shocked all those kids in school that spewed the racial slurs to me and of course their parents where they got it from. Now it is totally not politically correct for racial slurs in America unlike when I was growing up. Kinda of like karma coming back and revolving round and round. The racial verbal attacks I suffered as a child, made me tolerant and accepting of other races now totally.
The good news is our parents were just like us. They were influenced by their parents. They acted out what they were taught on us. It was not really their fault. My parents have a lot of qualities I do not admire, but it does not make me hate them, dislike them or wish to disrespect them. I always realize they were influenced. I mean I disappointed, hurt and unwittingly damaged other people in the past because of my habits from my upbringing. The similar traits I acted out because that is all I knew learning from my parents. I would like those people that I hurt to know that is not me….but my upbringing. Similarily for our parents and us. I have dharma to point this all out to me clearly, my parents did not. They never took the time to study or understand the dharma. So why keep acting the way we do and blame our environmental upbringings. I mean I am not with my parents now and I have had more time away from them than with them…so I should have more environmental impact from the outside of my parent’s world now. So why do I need to act from those years with my parents. Some may argue those were the most formative years. But you know, when you look at it from the point of dharma, I have so many more lives in the future to take rebirth in and what I am learning now is formative too. So we shouldn’t look at things from a one life point of view and that is where reincarnation philosophy can really help us to move on. If I was going to live one life and for 80 years, ok the first 20 formative years of my life have a huge right to set my ways for the remaining 60 years of my life. Then maybe I would have some validity to act and stay the way I am for better or worse. But if you look at the perhaps 80 years you will be alive now as a drop in the ocean of the many more lives you will have, then it doesn’t make sense that just the 20 years would be formative or set the stage for the rest of my life and lives. In fact every year of this life should be the formative years of this life and future lives. It helps to realize we will have many more lives so I can let go and move on. It helps to ‘be’ on the moon and look back at earth and us in it so see how we shouldn’t make everything so solid and big and permanent. We are ‘insignificantly’ significant.
As we are now, was the product of our environmental upbringing or the nurture factor. What brought us to this factor was our previously accummulated karma. Realizing that now and every moment are our formative years still and we are still learning helps us to let go of statements like it is too late for me or I am to old to change or too habituated or too damaged. Since we are the products of our nurturing or lack of it, we are still being nurtured now…What we experience everyday and every year should still affect us into positive change. We have the power and ability to make our environments positive. Nothing is permanent. We are not with our parents now. I am not experiencing racial slurs now…so why should those affect me anymore unless I am using those for an excuse for something more hidden and selfish. Not changing for the better is selfish. Not transforming and using lame old excuses is selfish. Examining and retrospecting endlessly without change is buying for time to be selfish. Being selfish is not permanent either. Using future tenses like I need more time, I WILL CHANGE, etc are also excuses to find reasons not to do what we need to do. There are exceptions as always to my views here. But I am just examining myself and maybe it would apply in bits and parts to others. None of this was written to blame, begrudge or lash out, but really self examinations…
Excuses that cover what we are not doing (but suppose to do) serves to further harden wrong habits, views and thinking. We should never use future tense or promises for change in the present. It should be now. It shouldn’t be hard, if we are sincere about it. It is only hard or difficult when we don’t consider others. It is only super problematic when we choose ourselves wrongly over others and our responsibilities.
I have a long way to go, but I have come a long way…the philosophy of reincarnation/karma was the 90% factor for me to look deeper and examine and think why. There are things in me that I like and there are more things in me that I don’t like. But this is who I am in for now in this life, but I am not permanent and who I am is changeable according to time, place and benefit. And I am changing and will continue to change. If I wish to get anywhere in life or in my spirituality I need to look beyond my ‘formative’ years. I need to look at myself now and say I am in control. Karma says so. Buddha says so. Reality says so. I say so. It is so. Change happens when we realize everything we experience adds to our forming consciousness and that formation needn’t stand still just like karma.
Change comes from our formation years which is right now.
Tsem Rinpoche
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This article really inspired me, every year we live is formative year for us as it affects our future life, so we should really let go those bad influence from our parents. What Rinpoche wrote is so true, most of us are either positive or negative after getting influenced by our parents.
Dharma will make us face ourselves, acknowledge our weak and negative aspects of character and will then guide us to move forward in a positively transformative direction.Thank you very much for sharing this good article with us.
1984 Los Angeles-Left to right: Geshe Tsultrim Gyeltsen, His Holiness Kyabje Zong Rinpoche, monk assistant to Zong Rinpoche and the 18-year-old Tsem Rinpoche prior to ordination. Read more- https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/category/me
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A poem inspired by seeing a picture of my teacher, Kyabje Zong Rinpoche…
In the sport of correct views,
all that is correct is just a view,
without permanence or substance.
As long as we hold onto views,
our sufferings are gathered
to be experienced without end.
Without the strong methods of emptiness
and compassion, bereft of merit,
we sink deeper without respite.
To arise from this samsara is but
a dreamscape on the deluded mind.
Therefore seek the guru, who confers the yidam,
hold your vows and fixate on liberation
free of new creations. Free of new experiences as
there are none.
~ Tsem Rinpoche
Composed in Tsem Ladrang, Kuala Lumpur on July 7, 2014
I was walking past a second hand shop on Western Ave selling old things. They had a Japanese-style clay Buddha which was beige in colour on the floor, holding the door open. I thought the shopkeeper would collect a lot of negative karma without knowing if he kept such a holy item on the floor as a doorstop. So I went in to talk to him, but he didn’t look like he wanted to talk or that he even cared. So I asked him the price and he said US$5. I purchased it so he did not collect more negative karma. I was 17 years old and that was in 1982.
I escorted my new Buddha home and washed it lightly and wiped it. I placed it on my altar and was happy with the Buddha. I would do my meditations, prayers, sadhanas, mantras and prostrations in front of this shrine daily. When I left for India in 1987, I could not bring this Buddha along and gave it to a friend. It was a nice size and I made offerings to this Buddha for many years in Los Angeles. In front of the Buddha I placed His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s photo. I remember I was so relieved that the price was affordable. But US$5 that time was still expensive for me but worth it I thought. But I was happy to have brought the Buddha home. Tsem Rinpoche
https://www.tsemrinpoche.com
Tsem Rinpoche at Kechara Forest Retreat, Bentong, Malaysia
I’ve read/watched articles and videos about his His Eminence’s childhood – and each and every time I feel a sense of wonder. No matter how bad it got, he always managed to take to high road and see beyond the negativity. Not only in his pursuit of dharma – but everything in general. Ordinary teenagers would not react as he did.
(I remember myself as a moody teenager and…then proceed to weep a little)
The interview with the great lady Anila Thupten, especially, was so, so profound.
And through his hard work – we are benefiting. I am thankful that I managed to come across this site and his teachings.
In essence, its our karma, and we are the only ones who can do anything. That means internal transformation with the will to help others. Sometimes, challenges aren’t all bad – they help shape our personalities for the better or the worse – which depends on our ‘perceptions’ or ‘mis-perceptions’ of the world around us.
Every life time is an opportunity to do good.
Thankyou your Eminence, and Pastor Shin!
H.E. the 25th Tsem Rinpoche is very devoted to his root guru, H.H. Zong Rinpoche.
“Excuses that cover what we are not doing serves to further harden wrong habits, views and thinking. We should never use future tense or promises for change in the present. It should be now. It shouldn’t be hard, if we are sincere about it. It is only hard or difficult when we don’t consider others. It is only super problematic when we choose ourselves wrongly over others and our responsibilities.”- this statement teaches me that there is no past or present but now. Honest to ourselves should not be difficult. However, it will be difficult if we don’t consider others. Thanks for the article.
I agree we do resemble our parents be it positive or negative values. Nevertheless it is for us to change if we realised that it is negative values that we are having.
We cannot put all the blame to our parents. We control our mind and are responsible for our own behaviour. Especially now that we are learning dharma, the more it should trigger that we need to transform our mind for the better.
Thank you Rinpoche for your teaching.
Thanks for sharing Rinpoche, this really inspired me, every year we live is formative year for us as it affects our future lifes, so we should really let go those bad influence from our parents, this does not mean we are not filial, it just show that we let go..and when we let go our bad habits/thinking from our parents, they will be treated by us with the new way that they never be treated, so we can change them..this is also a way to show our love to them..
Thank you Rinpoche for the article.
What Rinpoche wrote is so true, most of us are either positive or negative after getting influenced by our parents.
And I totally agree with Rinpoche that if we are to look beyond our current life, and think about how our future lives will impact us [karma] and how we should change our stingy, selfish selves, transform into better people, and importantly, constantly changing and improving ourselves, this lifetime, and future lifetimes.
Thank you.
I did read that. Some of it I will even remember. Spiritual practice influences us as well of course. Some of us have practiced consistently, others inconsistently. Not everyone has the benefit of a guru from the beginning but many do. I am only 2 years younger than you so I relate easily to this stage of life. Now, we have adults longer than we were children and have had lots of chances to learn new ways and try to keep the good we learned while children.
Thank you so much la rinpochoe for sharing la_()_
Dear Rinpoche,
I grew up learning the “good” and “bad” qualities from my parents. On the “good” , they have brought me up well to respect the elderly to care for others and to be kind . I am glad these are the good qualities I learnt from them. Again there is always 2 sides of the coin. I believe I have learnt some “bad” too. There are many things about my parents that I disagree with which of course earn me the “stubborn” title :). But subconsciously even though I disagree to certain of their ways, it has in a way influence me to be just like them of which I “notice” in myself. I tried and am still trying to break free from this qualities that I hope to be able to change.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this article for it has remind me of how I should and should not influence my son. I will strive to remember the good to teach and show him and not to behave in certain manner which will have a negative impact in his future years. But having said that I know I can’t be 100% perfect and there are qualities in me that my boy will dislike and hope it will not carry into his growing up years and end up like the “bad side” of me :).I hope he will grow to learnt to “check for himself ” before he “believes” everything we as parents tells him. Hope he will be able to read this article of Rinpoche when he grows up. Thank you Rinpoche. With Folded hands.
“I have grown up now to think no one East or West is better or worse, but how we act in life.” I have never received or experienced any racial slurs as bad as Rinpoche’s experience, but I see now that times has changed so much that rather than take it on a serious note society is able to make jokes about it and laugh about it together. I really do agree its not about what we look on the outside, our skin, our race, but what matters is how we behave in life. I see people who are racist still create conflict with their “own race”, what is the difference? It only creates more disharmony, there are people who are of different races taking care of each other even if they don’t know each other personally. Those who still practice racism I find still to be living in a life of denial, ignorance and delusion. Never being able to mature in life remaining stagnant in their own selfish little world.
“But my growing up years made me appreciate more now that it is who I am inside that makes me worth it or not, and that what I am on the outside only affects those people who are not mature, accepting and intolerant.” Many people are different, thinking differently, living different, looking different, but I feel those who are happiest are those who are the most accepting of others. If whats “outside” means so important to some people, they would only continue to live their lives of unhappiness and hatred, because everyone is different.
My parents have been the biggest influence in my life, I appreciate everything they have done for me bringing me up with love and patience. I know from my mother’s position it was never really easy for her to be yelling at us to her top of her lungs and hitting us just to get the message across into my thick dumb skull. It was never really easy for her but she did it because I know she loved us and didn’t want us to grow up the wrong way. Everyday before I act I try to stop and think what would my parents do, or what would my parents think of me if I were to do it. Some part of all of us we take from our parents, some form of behaviour, good or bad habits, even features comes from our parents. I am glad I had the karma to be born into this family and to be brought up with dharma seeds to be planted into my mind.
I am happy not because of me, but because of my parents.
Just some of my thoughts, Thank You for sharing with us this teaching Rinpoche. I can only forever be thankful for your continuous effort to teach us.
I hope Rinpoche is well and rested.
Thank yor ,Rinpoche, for this ‘mind-opening’ blog post.We are the product mainly of nurture(upbringing),as well as of our culture and our environment to a certain extent. Also the throwing karma at point of death of previous life has also brought us to where we are at point of birth in this life.
Having said that, when we mature and reach adulthood, we can take charge and control of our lives and determine whether we want to go in a positive or negative direction. We need not let our ‘negative ‘ upbringing drag us down as it did our parents. Nevertheless, Dharma still holds the key. If we have learnt the Dharma and let it influence our choice, we will choose wisely. Dharma will teach us to let go of our past and mould our future in terms of our future lives.
Dharma will make us face ourselves, acknowledge our weak and negative aspects of character and will then guide us to move forward in a positively transformative direction.But Dharma works most beneficially and effectively for us only when we have a spiritual guide to show us the way.
Best way we are parents are should be quite. First few months,When my son and daughter came from Mongolia been for me so hard. They didn’t listen all. After that i decided just quite. Quit to listen my son’s complaining issues, pick up him from nursing station any more.(2- 3 times calls every week) It’s not easy, but i couldn’t see any way. He quit school. After 3 years, he back to Mongolia. My daughter had so different history. She likes to dance. I couldn’t believe my kid is dancer. I’m pretty much like to do any beside dance, i think.
We are we, kids are kids! Give them own chose!We stay healthy too. Blood pressure down, sleep better. Good luck!!!Don’t be Tiger moma
This is really funny but also so true! When we were growing up the only people we have to look at as our mentors are our parents. They shape and nurture our thoughts and behavior… good or bad. Sometimes being born poor is not necessary good and being born rich is not necessary bad.
However they, our parents are not the only ones to be blamed because it is also due to our very own karma that we are also born in a situation where the way we are nurtured are brought up is based on our own karma.
How does karma play into this, in our previous immediate life, we opened the karma at the time of our deaths by our thoughts to take rebirth into this predicament. We have the karma to take rebirth into thousands of scenarios and those karmas are still latent, it is just what is opened at the precise moment. Meaning while we are dying, what our thoughts trigger open our unlimited karmic storehouse of latent karma.
But this can be change when we apply the Dharma… nothing is ever fixed and permanent. Just like Rinpoche’s childhood experience, though it was bad, but look at what and who Rinpoche turned out to be. Instead of blaming his past experiences and upbringing, Rinpoche made a positive change from it. So instead of playing the “victim”, it is refreshing to kn ow you are in control and can turn it around! Buddha says so.
YES if we wish to get anywhere in life or in my spirituality we need to look beyond my ‘formative’ years. We need to look at ourselves NOW… and make that change, it doesn’t have to be that way forever.
I think this teaching is a good guide for people to come to understand or for some, to come to understand themselves better. People usually don’t realize how much of an influence our parents are towards the development of our habits and minds. However, no matter how hardwired we are with the way we do things, the Buddha said we can always change things. We can always push for change and the best way to do that is to come to an understand and acceptance of who we are. Change and transformation cannot happen if we have not accepted our good and negative points.
I am not saying this from the standpoint of someone who had realized this but from a theoretic standpoint considering how I noticed I am in denial of what sort of person I am. I think the Dharma has this magical effect if we keep listening and reading up on such articles combined with contemplation. But I definitely can see the benefits of the Dharma over the years and how I seen myself change and i definitely feel that acceptance is the key and definitely the collection of merits with the conviction that the 3 Jewels will bless us to open this realization within us. That’s how I see this as I was reading.
I agree with you David, one can only change once they realised the negative points that we thought ok at first. For example being late, we might think it is ok to be late for appointments but when we realised it is not good for the people waiting for you then we will not be wanting to let others wait for us and be punctual. Same with the case of work being assigned by bosses or superiors. It is harder for the person to be chasing you compared to the one who being chased all the time… 🙂
I guess most humans are like primates: monkey see, monkeys do. Dharma education is very beneficial for young children to provide for them the foundation to be virtuous and righteous adults.
What Rinpoche says here is really making sense. I mean, yes, our parents do play an important role in formating our personality. For people who is unfortunate they might have bad influence and do the same things when they grow up. But like what Rinpoche says, it shouldn’t be the excuse that we couldn’t change.
We should zoom out and see, hey, this life is just a dot in our never ending rebirth in samsara. When we understand more, we can reform it in a positive way to form a better future, this is much more practical than holding onto the negative attitude forever and telling the same excuse.
Thanks Rinpoche for your words of wisdom. =)
My understanding from this teaching is that we are not bound my our past experiences. Because of the impermanent nature of karma and our lives moment to moment we are at freewill to lead ourselves and our lives where we choose. But what is a good way to practice teachings? When Buddhists say ”practice” what does it mean? I feel like at the end of the day all we want is to be happy but even happiness has a price- of hardwork, discipline, determination to achieve goals and all these has to be done with the correct selfless motivation because then all the effort put in but for selfish reasons is like ruining a white chanel dress!! haha. So, really makes me think Buddhas must be totally awesome and are good examples and role models for us. Why can’t kids be taught about the dharma at school rather than stupid maths and geography and taught to go for grades and high flying jobs? I know they are helpful to survive too but doesn’t make us happy. It’s almost like Karma is saying you cannot be anything but perfect, or else everything we do is like stabbing ourselves.
As parents we do have a lot of responsibilities on how to bring up our kids in a correct way. But what are the correct ways? Are there any guide line that guarantee us that we can bring up our kids well?
Kids have their own thinking and feelings. Some kids have very strong mind but some very weak. On top of that are we as parents strong and good enough to guide them, protect them and lead them by example? if not how?
I read many books about parenting, about how to discipline our kids, about how to train them to be a strong and tough person, about how to let them be who they are etc. After all, i realized that parenting is not ONLY about parents and the child but environment that has a bit of bitterness, a lot of encouragement and moral discipline, moderate fun I think.
The most beneficial step that I took was I joined Dharma. For all these years Kechara serve as a supportive ground for me and my kids to learn and to live our lives in our guru’s mandala which I feel extremely secure and it’s a good and right path for my kids to go.
This is a real gem for me, as it gives hope to many people who may claim they have been ‘damaged’ by their parents or the past. The future can change and we have the ability to make a different future for ourselves. Rinpoche had such a difficult childhood but due to his determination and guidance from his lamas he turned out without bitterness and blaming the past.
If we are extention of our parents and I have no children there is no more extention of me? Am I sort of like last Mohican in my time?
Thank You Rinpoche for explaining clearly how life works.
Below are my thoughts.
Our upbringing affects our present behavior and perception of the world around us. Our childhood, schooling years, friends, colleagues, associates, neighbours, working environments, TV, internet, newspapers, advertisements etc. all influence how we behave. Hence we need to be careful not to be influenced by these.
Without the knowledge of Dharma, we really have no hope of turning around. Fortunately, everything is not permanent. We can still change for the better. There is hope. We have the Guru and Three Jewels to help us transform.
How we act moment to moment affect the result of every experience that we get in the future. Actions follow our thoughts. Hence we must control how we think moment to moment.
This is already proven. For example, why do successful and wealthy people continue to be successful and wealthy? We know their past karma play a role here. However it is how these successful and wealthy people think and condition their minds moment to moment that determines their continued success and wealth.
The formula looks pretty simple: create the correct causes moment to moment to experience the expected results that we want.
The biggest obstacle that we face is our deluded mind which is hard to tame. This monkey mind of ours is constantly challenging us to act in a negative way. We had been so well conditioned through countless past lives imprints that we refuse to change.
Also we have the obstacles of not knowing what future experiences will ripen upon us should we not completely purify them.
Furthermore we must persevere faithfully in creating these positive causes moment to moment. Imagine the amount of effort that we need to create these positive causes to counter all our past negative imprints! There is so much to do and yet we have so little time left in this life. It is now or never!
When we understand the above we start to appreciate the benefits of Vajrayana preliminary practices of doing 100,000 or 400,000 or more of prostration, confession, offering etc. These are skillful ways of reconditioning our minds towards something positive and useful for our future happiness. When we do these preliminary practices correctly with concentration, we don’t allow our deluded minds to control us.
Another skillful way is doing Dharma work fulltime with the correction motivation direct our mind towards benefiting others every moment. This helps to create causes moment to moment for our future happiness.
One more point to contemplate on is: What is the real meaning of life to us?
At the end of the day, the choice is ours.
We have a choice and we should NOT blame anyone cause in the first place we should ask ourselves WHY DO WE ENCOUNTER THESE TYPE OF PEOPLE, FAMILY OR SITUATION? It brings us back to the law of karma. It is our karma to be born in our family may it be pleasant or unpleasant.
Everyone of us have come across unpleasant and pleasant experiences, how we choose to react is what will determine whether we truly believe 100% in KARMA. Rinpoche has mentioned in one of his teachings before, KARMA DOES NOT SLEEP when we are depressed, angry, happy, and etc. We should always continue to do more positive actions, stop hurting others by using our past as an excuse and control our minds. Results speaks for itself.
THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS OURS
We are who we are and we decide who we want to be. Our parents did what they know best and that is who they are. We are not them eventhough they do influence our lives. Blame should not come into the picture as it only shuns our growth as a person. Thank you Rinpoche for the teaching. It strikes a chord when I think that this life is just a drop in the ocean when there are many many lifetimes to come. I am still growing and learning all the time, no matter how old I am.
Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges
Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and family?
“Self-compassion is really conducive to motivation”.
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/?ref=health
LIGHT & SHADOW….
There is a trap, Peculiar to information societies. Those who know too much, Grow increasingly suspicious. Their eyes spot flaws more that they spot virtures. Then, comparing themselves with others, They suffer; They fall into blaming & resenting themselves. If only it would occur to them that all they are doing is reaffirming their misery.
When your surroundings are brightly lit, the shadows deepen from the contrast. It is impossible to cast them away because as long as there is light, shadows will be made. The only way to get rid of them is to sink everything into darkness. But is that what we really want?
Do not allow the shadows to burden your heart. Just turn towards the light. Our minds cannot think of two things at once.
Thank you Rinpoche for the long rich and productive teachings in your Blog. Most people will hide their faults and portray good qualitites about themselves. The habits gathered from our parents can be good or bad. If only we can accept our bad qualities and tell it out honestly. And when we are told we are wrong we don’t accept and we justify. It will be much easier for us to accept another’s criticism and advise and learn from it. I have noticed in most families, the children will always take on the habits of their parents. Some say it is the genes from the parents. When we grow up we have the freedom to choose what is right and what is wrong. It is up to us to choose our character not only to follow our parents. But we are what we want to be is for us to choose.
Thank you very much, Rinpochela, for the good fodder to chew upon. i do agree with Sandy – i think we need to ‘through constant raising of awareness’ and ‘proper education’, change for better. It’s another precious teaching from Rinpochela i must contemplate on.
Dear Rinpoche,
I think overall, the essence of what you say here is spot on. I remember watching a Hindu teacher give a talk a long while ago and he talked about how, when we reach a certain stage in our lives, our parents’ influence shouldn’t be so great and that, ultimately, we make our own choices; we develop the critical mind that says, “Hold on…that isn’t right.” Environments and people can be “blamed” for maybe 20% of what/who we are, but in the end, we can choose what to accept and what not to accept.
However, I’ve talked about this subject lots of times, especially with school teachers and education/social care workers who work with children who are “products of their environment”. A few of them have said something like “lots of people have a hard time growing up, but it’s not compulsory to turn out a certain way because of what surrounds you.”
To an extent, I agree with this, but on the other hand there needs to be a recognition that some people simply don’t have the intelligence and/or mental fortitude to swim against the tide, so to speak. It’s very easy to say, “Well, I had a difficult life and I turned out fine”, but surely in a sense, people who say that are simply projecting their own mental capacity onto others? Not everyone has that ability to take control and steer the ship in the right direction, and I don’t think it always boils down to excuses or laziness.
It seems a real grey area to me. Sure, there will be a lot of people who say, “Oh, that’s just the way I was brought up – I can’t help it.” They will use the excuses to shield their laziness, no doubt, but I strongly believe some just don’t have it in them to take hold of “now”, either because they just don’t know how to or because they’re so riddled with fear and/or have zero self-confidence.
If one has the intelligence (how can you fix a problem you’re not aware of?) and the critical mind to really battle with themselves, then I’d say progressively, one can definitely work towards positive self-conditioning and over-turning negative influences and shut out any future occurences of external conditioning. However, if one grows up in a run-down area with little education, no real encouragement and no real natural capability, it’s very unlikely such a person would be able to turn themselves around.
Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. “Bad” parenting can inspire kids to push themselves in order that they don’t follow down the same path and they turn out to be really great people. Similarly, great parents can spawn selfish children who don’t achieve much at all.
Again, it’s a tricky situation. I’d say it’s all too easy for people who are mentally strong and secure and able to push themselves, to expect others to find it just as easy, or even posssible. And of course, we are the result of the sum of our upbringings and environment, or at least a significant part of us is made up of that sum. I don’t think anyone (the few exceptions excluded) who has faced or been brought up with a hard life is bound to realise that there can be another way, if only they’d just push themselves: even people who are aware can find this difficult.
I don’t think there’s any arguing with the logic that we’re in control, because we are – there’s no debate there. However, where it does fall a little flat is that there seems to be an implication that all one has to do is realise one is in control of one’s life and that’s all that’s needed. Self-help books, chat-show hosts, education workers and so on seem to miss out a lot of the time that this realisation is fine when you have the mental capacity to investigate and imply on such a huge level, but for a lot of people, this just isn’t possible and I think this is why a lot of children especially can be left depressed or unhappy, because the one-size-fits-all approach fails to take into consideration seemingly real factors within peoples’ minds. Whether obstacles are real or not is irrelevant – to the person possessing them, they are very real, and it’s only through proper education and the constant raising of awareness that I think progress can be made. However, when people say “Oh but Jesus had nothing, Gandhi had nothing, Martin Luther King faced hardship and look what THEY achieved!”, that’s fine for them, but not everyone is Jesus or Gandhi and when people use that sort of pop-psychology, I think carries a potential danger of adding to the problem, rather than help towards liberating people from their mental chains.
Kind regards,
Sandy
**SHOULD READ** “when you have the mental capacity to investigate and implement on such a huge level…”
Thank you Rinpoche for this article, it really opened up my eyes in a whole new dimension.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Tsem Tulku Rinpoche, Philip Yong. Philip Yong said: RT @tsemtulku: Are we our parents? For good or for bad? http://bit.ly/fK0vFj #tsemtulku #buddhism #parents #inspirational […]
Thank you. Living in a society who thrives on blaming parents and childhood as the roots to all our mental problems, I find teachings like this very sobering. Hope you get well soon.
Dear Lars, I like what you wrote. Parents and childhood are just the extensions of the actual cause. But if we come to peace with our parents and childhoods, it helps, but only symptomatic. Any help is welcomed of course. Tsem Rinpoche
So funny, really benefited from a teaching like this today/this time in my life. For the first time in my life I strongly Believe that I am honestly trying to change. Not just for a while to trick myself and others to believe that I am more of a winner then I’m really am. But because I now have the experience that as Buddha said, the only fate that is set in stone is if you do not take charge. And that is not a pleasant one, more so, so little chance to be of benefit to anyone when you live your life not even benefitting yourself. I really have experienced my limit of weakness, to the point where I physically actually can not do the most basic of activities do to lack of strenght. The funny part in all of this is that I found it being a good sign seing that someone sharing my name had left the first comment. I read it and just started to laugh.. It was my comment! I had just forgot that Ive already read this teaching and commented on it!! Haha, talk about getting a second chance.:) I will take it to heart this time, and thank you again Rinpoche and thank you for the kind reply you gave me the last time around.:)