Question asked by Bitter child
I want to kill myself as I feel there is no worth in living and I feel rejected by society and friends since young. Now I find it very difficult to do my sadhanas daily and i feel there is no purpose of it , so hence I have decided to do something ? but before that I would like to ask , what is the punishment for killing oneself ? why do I feel dejected and unloved (I have been rejected since young by society and family) why do I feel I have been abandoned by the Buddha,s and my faith in my Guru is being tested to the very extreme. Why ? At this very moment none of anything make sense to me, what I find is only failure after failure in Life and nothing seems to be relevant , even the Buddha,s and their rescue mission seems to have failed me , I am feeling very bitter and I have no room to turn to . All what my Guru told me to do seems irrelevant and what I want before I end this is His divine blessings , that's all ? I love Him from the bottom of my heart but the conflict within me seems unresolved and I have drowned in my life and mission. Why am I feeling like this ? How am I to come out of it (Nothing seems to be relevant and to help ) ? I am scared please help
Dear Bitter child,
What is the punishment for killing oneself? If one kills oneself in a frustrated and confused state of mind, it is unlikely that one will be reborn in a good place. The state of mind in which we die will condition the next birth. You seem to know some Dharma. You have a guru whom you love and you wish to have his blessings before you “end this”. Which guru will give you blessings to kill yourself?
You are not clear about what happened to you. All you talk about is your unhappiness about being rejected by society, friends, family and even the Buddha. You refer to your failures in life and even feel that the Buddhas have failed you. So you are feeling very bitter as you have no one to turn to.
People who talk about suicide have not learned to face their problems and how to face the facts of life. Their delusions are very strong and their minds are negative and destructive. The Buddha said that suicidal states of mind only lead to more suffering. It is time to face your problems. Don’t blame others for your own failures. Don’t dwell on how much others have disappointed you because you must have disappointed them. What you are experiencing is what you have made others experience, whether in this life or in previous lives. The only way to turn your life around is to be a better person. Be kind to others, starting with your parents, family and friends. Be grateful to your guru for giving you Lord Buddha’s teachings and repay his kindness. Apologise to your teacher for having wrong thoughts. Listen to his teachings to get his inspiration and blessings. Instead of focusing on your own problems, you should focus on the suffering of those who may be in more unfortunate circumstances than you. Find something meaningful to do to bring purpose into your life again. For example, you can do Dharma work or other charitable activities. By bringing happiness to others, you will find peace and happiness yourself.
I hope you find this helpful.