Question asked by Fluxor
I am in a relationship with someone. I want to leave her, so i can give more time for social work and considering monastic life and being ordained in the future.
I want to break up and do it gently, but I know she will be very mad and angry with me. Is it okay to leave her without notice? I will make a letter and arrange time to talk few days later when she is more stable emotionally. I think, it will be calmer way.
Or should I talk to her first before I leave? I know this way she can be very mad and might do some abusive acts right away. But people say I need to respect her with talking to her first.
I'm confused. I want to do it in a gentle and loving way that I don't want to bring her more suffering.
Warmest metta,
Fluxor
Dear Fluxor,
This is something that is a very difficult thing to do. If you have thought about this carefully and thoroughly, then you should do what feels right. However we must remember that the other person in the relationship may be reliant on you in some way. That being said, we can also hurt another person if we are not open and truthful about the situation. Instead we should go about the situation in the best possible manner to minimise harm and also to not create negative karma in the process, which is all too common when breaking up with someone, and this leads to more suffering in the future.
You know the person who you are in a relationship with the best, however the method which you have mentioned may not be the most appropriate course of action. Rather than doing this, you should sit down with your partner and talk about the situation in calmer manner. This is the better approach, if you want to do this. You do need to respect her as a person with her own feelings, and in order to do the right thing in this situation, you should do so face to face and calmly. Following the method that you described may cause even more pain. If you do it calmly, respecting and honouring her as someone who has their own feelings, you are doing your best given the situation.
Please remember that you don’t have to take monastic ordination in order to practice the Buddhist path. In fact within Kechara, Tsem Rinpoche has even started the tradition of lay pastors, who are lay people that have dedicated their lives to the practice of Dharma and the service of others. If you change your mind for any reason, Rinpoche has given a very good teaching on transforming a relationship to make it successful. You can find the video teaching here: https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/students-friends/ingredients-for-a-successful-relationship.html. I hope this helps.
Thank you.