Advice at a Funeral
(By Tsem Rinpoche and Pastor Jean Ai)
One of my earliest experiences with death was with Rinpoche, during the passing of my beloved maternal grandmother. In the Chinese (specifically Hokkien) tradition, this person is known as ‘Ah Ma’.
Our Ah Ma was a wonderful lady. Kind, gentle and soft-hearted, she was extremely forgiving and always accommodating – whatever we grandkids wanted to do or eat, wherever we wanted to visit, she would do her best to make sure it happened. It wasn’t until years later that I realised financially, things weren’t always easy for my grandparents but they never let us experience it. We only saw them a few times a year, during school holidays when trips to Penang to visit them was the highlight. Our grandparents doted on us and they wanted to make sure we had a good time, and leave with good memories.
Ah Ma with her acupuncturist brother
So when we did something that deserved a scolding, Ah Ma would help with the cover up so our mischief wouldn’t be discovered, and she did it with a twinkle in her eye. Once I got into a bad bicycling accident and fluid built up in my knee. It swelled up horrendously and I was left unable to walk, and no amount of treatment would get the swelling to go down again. The hospitals and even her acupuncturist brother were unable to help. Ah Ma spent the next few days seeking all kinds of treatment for me, getting on the phone with friends and coercing Ah Kong (my grandfather) to drive her here and there. Finally, a Pakistani neighbour told her to rub a boiled egg on my knee every day for 20 minutes which she did lovingly until the swelling subsided and I could walk again.
In my mind’s eye, I can still see Ah Ma shuffling from the kitchen to her bedroom, hot and bothered from cooking up a storm. She’s wearing her loose Nyonya batik kaftan, her hair rolled up in green and pink plastic curlers. Her feet are clad in hotel slippers one of us stole from our last holiday and they slap against the tiled floor as she walks. I can see her leaning in to the mirror to carefully apply her make-up, her hands steady and still soft from her nightly moisturising routine. And in another memory, there she is, bent over the bathroom sink, carefully applying dye to her hair. It wasn’t until many years after her passing that I realised I never once saw her with any grey hairs.
You would be forgiven for thinking this immaculate, well-dressed lady was only about parties and having fun, but in reality she was a spiritual person who loved Buddhism and Rinpoche. One of our favourite activities to do with our grandparents was to visit the Burmese and Thai temples in Penang, and the Kek Lok Si Pagoda. Ah Ma was the first person to teach me the meaning of the refuge prayer “Namo Guru Beh, Namo Buddhaya, Namo Dharmaya, Namo Sanghaya”. She was open to all religions, keeping an altar for Sai Baba and encouraging us to explore spirituality. One of the first times I ever went out on my own in Penang was to, at her encouragement, a Hindu yoga and meditation centre. Meanwhile, it was Ah Kong’s nightly ritual to clean the altars, and offer incense and fruit, before settling down with a sigh in front of the TV, cigarette in hand (and nosy grandchildren just behind him, spouting the dangers of smoking hehe).
Some of our best moments took place in the hour before bedtime. We grandkids shared a room and a bunkbed with Ah Ma; she had the lower bunk with my brother and sister, who took turns sleeping with her or on the floor on a mattress. As the older one, I got the upper bunk. Ah Ma would try her utmost best to get us to fall asleep but we never wanted to because back then, being grown up meant staying up as late as possible. So for an hour, she’d chat to us then ‘realise’ she was falling for our tricks, pretend to be frustrated then burst out laughing and say, “Okay, okay, that’s it, you need to sleep now”…and then start talking to us all over again.
Ah Ma’s death in 2002 was sudden and totally unexpected. Early one morning, Ah Kong went to wake her up in her bedroom and discovered that she had had a stroke sometime in the night. He asked if she wanted an ambulance; she was still responsive and tried to speak but everything was garbled. She could only nod yes but shortly after she arrived at the hospital, she was gone. It was not something any of us could have predicted, especially since she had just undergone a full medical check-up the week before and nothing unusual was spotted except for slightly raised blood pressure.
Our parents pulled us out from school for the week and we immediately drove to Penang where the funeral was being held. We were silent most of the way, a rare occurrence when you put three boisterous and often-arguing siblings in one car.
Ah Ma and Ah Kong, at her 60th birthday celebration. She died just two years later.
Rinpoche kindly came to Penang to conduct the funeral for us. A lot of people had turned up to celebrate the life of this wonderful lady. Rinpoche advised us not to cry, saying Ah Ma would be worried to see us upset and her mind would hang around, and this would hinder her taking her next rebirth. It was therefore our responsibility to make sure she knew we were okay so she could leave in peace. So as we did our best to stem our tears, we recited OM MANI PADME HUM or OM TARE TUTTARE TURE SOHA which Rinpoche said would be good for her because those were Ah Ma’s favourite mantras. As Rinpoche himself recited prayers, a huge gust of wind blew on what had otherwise been an extremely warm day with no breeze. The door behind Ah Ma’s coffin slammed with a resounding bang, making everyone jump. After Rinpoche finished reciting the prayers, he said it was at that moment Ah Ma had left and it was a good sign. After the cremation, our family gathered in my aunty’s house, where Rinpoche called and spoke to all of us over for two hours.
A couple of weeks ago, I was reorganising my things when I came across my mother’s notes from that phone call. I still remember that call clearly. All of us were in my aunty’s bedroom, crouched and straining to listen to the speakerphone. Rinpoche spoke patiently and caringly, and waited for my mother to repeat his words so that everyone in the room could hear clearly.
I think the phone call and Rinpoche’s presence made Ah Ma’s passing a lot easier to bear because to be honest, her passing didn’t hit me until a few months later. On the way back from school one day, I realised I would never see her again and that’s when I started crying. I realised death wasn’t something people could come back from, and whatever sorrow I felt actually arose from regret – could I have called her more often, or written to her more? Could I have served her more and taken less from her? Was there anything I should’ve apologised to her for? And if death comes so suddenly, when would it be my grandfather’s turn and my parents’ turn, and my turn, and how would I be able to predict any of it?
Death is unavoidable and death is irreversible, and the moment of our death is uncertain. And not only is the exact moment uncertain but at our level, where we go after death is uncertain too. So we can play all the fun and games we want, pretending we will be young and live forever but the fact is that our mortality is very real, and anything else is a denial of the inevitability of death. At the point of our passing, the only thing that will help us and our relatives and take their pain away, is the Dharma. It will not be the good memories, the trips we took, the photographs we have, the meals we ate or the shopping we did with them. If we are Buddhist, those events do not determine our rebirth and if we are not Buddhist, well they won’t determine whether we get into heaven or hell (if that is our belief). So I share Rinpoche’s advice here hoping it will be useful to you. If we have real love for ourselves and for those closest to us, preparing for our death and theirs is the greatest gift we can give them.
Advice from Rinpoche
* all additions within [ ] are my own, intended to lend more clarity to my mother’s notes
He says he is honoured to be here and to be able to set her free and he says he is happy everything went smoothly in [such a] difficult situation and that everyone cooperated together so well. Whatever our family does is our own affair, not others’ business and whatever we do is our work together.
Since Rinpoche is the teacher of our family, it is his responsibility to relay some messages to us. Our parents have been independent [in] taking care of each other until now and the reason why they leave us alone is because they do not want to burden us in any way, shape or form and make their own lives. This is what he feels but it could be other factors too.
Now that the situation has changed and the grand matriarch of the family has passed away, the passing away of Ah Ma is a rude awakening and a shock to immortality and very sudden and makes us feel life is so fragile, short and quick to end and because it’s fragile, that’s why every moment we spend with our family is so important. There’s no guarantee who is older will go first or last. At this moment, we have the only oldest person left is Ah Kong. So we need to put our own wishes and needs and pursuits aside. At this moment, we need to concentrate on our father. None of the three sisters spoke to Rinpoche about it. This is [Rinpoche’s own] thought and Rinpoche is letting us know in this aspect, he is not pushing or ordering us but to please take care of Ah Kong for the next 49 days and thereafter do not leave him alone; not let him be alone. The husband and wife had a long life together and planned everything together. Ah Kong held up his strength and pulled through this ordeal. He held up quite strongly, but inside he is completely broken up.
His three daughters have the essence of his beloved wife so when he sees his three daughters and [their] offspring, it will remind him of his wife and make him closer to his wife. If his three daughters are gone and not around he will be broken emotionally.
Whether you are Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, you must put that aside and think on [a] human basic level. He gives us life, fed us, he washed us and took care of us. Now we have to take care of him. Not because he is a baby and cannot take care of himself, but if we are human and remember kindness, we repay kindness. Ah Kong doesn’t expect this but we should act as human.
We can go see movies, see boyfriends, etc. but put all attachment aside, put personal comfort aside. All of us must have a harmonious, loving, unselfish forthcoming meeting, and work out a plan so that our sacred father is not alone. There is no point going to temple, churching, praying, etc. if we don’t take care of the father and mother who gave us life. How much we pray will be no blessing from God or Buddha or whatever we choose to believe. So if we repay them even without praying, the Holy Ones will bless us and [in the] later years, we will be alright. Naturally, good attracts good. Contemplate on this. Rinpoche requests us to take care of father and grandfather. It’s a natural thing some people will be more biased towards father or mother, but if you take care of father, won’t mother be happy? Think of Ah Ma and what she wants us to do at this time.
Whatever differences we had with them or not with them, put aside now, take care of Ah Kong. Do not think of our own staying place, our own comfort, our own entertainment. Sacrifice and repay back. This type of sacrifice is worth the sacrifice. Any time father can go off and be heartbroken and feel abandoned. A person’s mind is stronger than [their] body and if the mind goes, even if [the] body is strong, it will pass. Don’t let Ah Kong down or Ah Ma for 49 days. One must keep him company and take turns and do not do it grudgingly. Everything said is from Rinpoche’s heart. Some of us have been under the kindness and [have been] personally taken care [of] by Ah Ma. Whatever faith we believe, remember [the] faith of our mother and forefathers and never put down or disrespect them. One should not listen to peers and friends but to our grandmother who has taken care of us to heart. If she prayed to Kuan Yin and Buddha all her life and lived so well, definitely Buddha has the power to bless us. Family remains forever, friends will not. Friends are attracted to us by the way we talk, look, money, many different types of factors. But if one of these factors is gone, they will be gone.
All children remember – pray to Ah Ma’s Buddha. [For] ourselves we can do anything we like. If we love her, pray for her. Please respect Ah Ma and do as she has done and do what is best for our family without listening to outside peers because they never bathed and fed us. Do what your family does, be proud of your family heritage and proud of your religious traditions. Whatever our Ah Ma has done has made her [the] wonderful person she was. Whatever she has done is correct.
In conclusion, please do not allow father/grandfather to be alone. His motive is not to burden us. He is not someone stupid, crippled or cannot take care of himself. This is not the point. The point is to make him feel loved and cared about. Sacrifice your own comfort and happiness and take care of him. Do prayers with him. Those in Penang and nearby, do prayers with him together. It’s only for 49 days and make sure he is taken care of and someone stays there with him. After the crucial period of 49 days, we make arrangements that he is not alone because he is useful and necessary and [a] very important part of [the] family. More importantly [at] this time, be human first. Put your needs aside. [To be] human means compassion, kindness and sacrifice. Dedicate time for father/grandfather. Take care of him, see him often, call him all the time to make sure [he is] alright. Listen between the lines; he will always say ‘no’ so as not to burden us.
To our father: Rinpoche has the right to say this even though Rinpoche is younger and not to be disrespectful, but he says it as a spiritual teacher, in that capacity. Give [your] children/grandchildren the chance to serve you. Let them have the honour and be able to collect merit to serve you. Give them a chance. Don’t think you are [not] independent, you are. But help them so that they may collect merit, repay kindness, give them a chance to repay your kindness as [a] father/grandfather. If you don’t do this and you pass on, they will have guilt and regret. Don’t let them suffer like this. Rinpoche is telling us all of this as he has [a] close and intimate connection with us. He dares to take this chance to invade our privacy. Whatever he says is not meant to be disrespectful to anyone, but to bring benefit. Do not take offence to what he has said.
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Thank you Pastor Jean Ai for sharing your experience.
Death is uncertain that for sure.Our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end. At the point of our passing, the only thing that will help us and take our pain away, is the DHARMA.
Show compassion, kindness and sacrifice our time for our loved one before its too late.
Thank you Rinpoche for all your teachings and advice
What a lovely and warm article article written by Pastor Jean Ai. I enjoyed every word of this article, and it is such a blessing to have the kind of advice that Rinpoche’s dispenses to people who are going through a grieving period. i do think the advice Rinpoche gives to people will differ on a case to case basis. Whatever advise Rinpoche gives is always based on benefitting the people he is assisting and perhaps even to a certain extent helping those who have experienced loss to awaken their compassion and their sense of care for one another.
We can’t avoid death in life. Life is too transient and fleeting that we need to do good deeds in life. For us, death is not the end of life but it’s just another transition of life. We should live a life meaningfully so that we won’t regret in the future.
Thank you for your comment Elisha. Reminds me of a teaching Rinpoche gave recently upon hearing that a close friend has cancer. Rinpoche reminded us that in actuality, all of us are dying. The difference with cancer patients, especially those whose conditions are terminal, is that they know what they are dying from and have some kind of prognosis and timeline. The rest of us are dying, just slower.
Your remark about regret also reminded me about another teaching Rinpoche previously gave about how to live a life that’s without regret. One of the most powerful things Rinpoche said in that teaching was a reminder of the most commonly said things we hear from people on their death bed. “I wish…”, “I regret…”, “I should’ve…” – but at that moment, when we are lying there, what can we do about our regrets?
So knowing death is an eventuality, better we meditate on death every day. The uninformed say to do this is morbid but in actuality, it’s liberating. Because you know you’re going to die and take rebirth, and this current existence is not your last, you end up living fearlessly. And when remind ourselves of the fact death is eventual, it helps to develop a motivation whereby we act, speak and think in such a way that will leave behind only benefit so when our moment arrives, we have no regrets. It therefore behooves us to live kinder lives now. We don’t want our last moment to be something nasty we did or said to a person.
Thank you PJA for sharing this experience with us.
I, myself had shared the similar experience with what you wrote above when my late maternal grandmother passed away. Before and also after her passing, Rinpoche had stood by my family throughout.
Rinpoche visited her not once but twice during her critical moments and spoke to her also. My family will always be grateful for the advices Rinpoche has given during that time as I know it has ease her pain and also both my mom and her siblings pain in losing her.
I am glad that my mom/aunt and myself are in dharma as due to the merits accumulated we are able to help my maternal grandmother during her final moments. And that is how I can repay her kindness she has shown me throughout the years with her. What other better way to repay her kindness except to have her final moments “guided”
Thank you
Thank you Pastor Jean Ai for sharing your experience.
I have to face a funeral of my closest family member, my mom two weeks ago. Her death was very sudden to all of us (family members and friends) as she passed away in her sleep with no prior sickness.
It is true that life in impermanent and that death is unpredictable. Although the news came in so sudden but I must say that our family members accepted it very well. We try very hard not to cry and stay calm so my mom can leave this world peacefully.
Also thanks to Kechara Puja’s team advise, when giving my mom the last respect, I prep all my relatives not to cry and asked them to tell my mom to leave this world and not to worry anymore. All went well.
It is very important that the family members understand dharma so they can help the deceased. Also it is because of dharma that I am much calm in accepting my mom passing.
Thank you Rinpoche and Pastor Jean Ai for all your teaching and knowledge so we are more prepared when facing such incident.
Death is so sudden and unpredictable. It could be happened to anyone, anytime and in any situation. Death, brought separation forever … It can be devastating to one’s life. Often in the funeral, we did many things for the deceased and we kind of neglected the one who are alive and close to the deceased. Their mind can be very unstable and fall into depression. Many time, people who can’t take the pain, will develop mental illness.
In this article, Rinpoche have kindly reminded the family on the important to take care of the one who are still alive. so that they do not fall into a situation that lead them more devastating.
I remember in a Puja -namely Lama Chopa Puja, this puja is not just collect vast merit for the deceased but this puja could also protect the mind of the living relatives, so that they are protected and not over carry by the lost.
It is very true, if one have dharma, during these period, either to the deceased or the living relatives, it is very very useful. With dharma for instant, puja can be done to help the decease pass away without fear. While for the relatives, they could collect merit while perform the charity acts, example be vegetarian during the 49 days. With Dharma, We could understand the important of keep calm and not to cry. Cry over the death will not help anything, but, make the decease and relatives suffered more in pain.
Without Rinpoche’s teaching all this dharma knowledge, how could we possibly know about the pro and con in a funeral. How could we benefit the decease and the relatives. I thanks Rinpoche a lot whenever i went to funeral. The dharma knowledge that Rinpoche taught are so precious .
Thank you Pastor Jean Ai for sharing this article.
Death is inevitable and no matter how well prepared we are for it and when someone close to us passes away it just shake our whole world. More so if the passing is so sudden.
I remembered when my father was sick in hospital I felt so helpless no knowing how to help him to make him more comfortable. I am and still is saddened by his passing 3 years ago and at times I felt guilty and regret for not doing much while he was alive.
But after having read about the Death Meditation by Tsem Rinpoche and having had the chance to follow Pastor Yek Yee when she was performing last rites and the puja team doing the Bereavement pujas I am able to understand more about what to do when someone passes away.
And when the sudden demise of my husband a year ago my family and I was devastated but with the help of Kecharians, puja house and the Pastors we manage to go through this difficult time. Not forgetting my Guru, Tsem Rinpoche as well. The support is very important and that is the time when we need to know someone cares about us after losing a loved one.
I know my late husband is in a good place now and we will always remember the good memories of him as a father, husband and a son.
Thank you Pastor Jean Ai for the beautiful sharing too.
Jill Yam.
Jill, thank you for this personal sharing. Reading what you wrote, it comes to mind that the support you gave to others during their time of grief created the causes for you to receive the same during your own difficult times. And knowing now what it is like to lose someone very loved, your understanding of death and the pain that those behind have to experience can assist you with your work, whereby you can reach out and help others. After all, we have Kechara because Rinpoche went through so much, knows what it is like to feel pain and suffer, and decided to never let anyone else feel that way or experience that too.
The work you and Pastor Yek Yee and the rest of the Puja House team do is really invaluable. The suffering of the body can be dulled, numbed, taken away with medication but the suffering of the mind is very difficult to treat. When people are down and need help, the Puja House team are available at all hours of the day to provide mental and spiritual support through your pujas. You guys put your sleep and discomforts aside to be there for others so I think everyone really owes you all a very big thank you for your work _/|\_
Dear Pastor Jean Ai,
Thank you for sharing with us your personal experience of losing your beloved grandmother and Rinpoche’s advice for your family. Death is inevitable and one day we will depart and we will suffer when that day comes if we’re not prepared for it. My mum passed away on May 1st 2002, my dad a month later on June 1st 2002. It was a tremendous blow for me as I was orphaned within a month.
What I know is that I have taken care of my parents well when they were alive, knowing that that’s the best gift I have given them. I missed them a lot and I now dedicate prayers to them so that they will have a good and quick rebirth. Life is short and I will continue to do more dharma to accumulate merits for their good rebirth.
Om Benza Wiki Bitana Soha
With folded hands,
Leonard Ooi
KPSG
Death is so common and it happens in every family, and yet it is unnerving how we are usually unprepared to deal with the inevitable, especially when someone close and loved by us passes away. It doesn’t matter if it was a sudden death, an accident or one that was expected… we are always unprepared to deal with it. Least of all, the one that has passed away.
If there is no Dharma, and we lack the knowledge, then when the time comes there is really nothing we can do except shed tears of sorrow. Nothing we can do because we dont know any better…
People often speak about death in a very morbid way… but I have always found it to be weird in a sense that we often avoid talking about the subject. I remember being brought up in a family where on my father’s side, you can’t talk about death especially when there’s old people around… while on my mother’s side of the family, speaking about death was not always morbid and can be taken in a comical way.
Also, the views about death differs so much between people… most people fear, but for the accomplished, practiced and well prepared Buddhist practitioner… Death is a precious moment where we can put into action what we have been practicing and everything we have learnt in this life.
Pastor Jean Ai,
Thanks for the sharing , brings us back in time. Reflecting back on our own grandparents and in my case, my dad’s passing. I was lucky to have learn a little dharma and connected with Guru’s teaching that the passing of my dad was able to be taken better. Our parents or grandparents time, talking about death is a taboo and morbid kinda of topic. Belief is when you talk about death, you may attract it. But I learn a lot during the process thus feel blessed that i was able to provide the proper preparation and prayers for my Dad. Guru gave specific instruction and advice which help my Dad along the “journey” and the family to better accept it. Thanks again for the sharing. Reading your article takes us back in time and the pics takes us back to the 70-80’s. Awaiting your next post.
Losing a love one is devastating to the family, especially those who are close to us, it is a emotional moment for the whole family, it is certainly not easy to hold the tears and heart break. But if we understand Dharma, it help us to be calm in the moment of death when our loves one passed away, and know how to deal with at the exact moment.
What is important is how we take care of our parents, grandparents and family members when they are alive, the best gift we can provide them is not material, but instead spiritual. Knowing that life is short, we should take care of them, making sure they are ok.
It is important that we give them the gift of Dharma, help them to be connected to the 3 Jewels and our Guru while they are alive. Because at the time of death, it is through the Guru and Protector blessing that will ensure that they will be good hand and will have a swift rebirth.
From this article, we can see Rinpoche compassion and care for the family, especially to Ah Kong. Rinpoche advice is profound and touches the human feeling because the most important thing we must not forget is our beloved family who is still alive, fot this case Ah Kong. We should let go of our differences, and focus of taking care of Ah Kong, because it is at the moment Ah Kong is the most affected due to the loss of his beloved wife. Hence being the children, we must take care and make sure of beloved one is alright, and give them love at their saddest moment.
For a family, we must look past religion, and respect each other religion, never let religion be an obstacle for us to care for others especially our love ones. instead we must be more humanistic is in taking care of parents which is beneficial for the future lifes.
This is a very beautiful written article. I too have lost my grandmother when I was quite young (I think may be 7 or 8 years old) but in my case, it was quite a traumatised experience, whIch I still have “images” about it until today.
Just like we need “family doctor”, it is important to have a spiritual guide for the family too. It would be good to guide us better in such cases. My parents are good people, and instil good values to us, but they are not spiritual inclined person. Therefore, they don’t discuss such things are after death, etc. In that sense, I feel Pastor Jean Ai is very fortunate to meet Rinpoche at such a young age and able to start her spirituality at a young age.
From the advice, I can see that Rinpoche is forever kind and compassion, and to instil the good values to His students and people around Him. Otherwise, Rinpoche could have easily just give some simple advice without “intruding” the family affairs.
One of the things I like about Rinpoche’s teachings, is He is able to take Buddha’s teaching, and strip away the “religion aspect” of it, and the teaching become universal to everyone, including people of different faith. It is this ability where the teaching become humane.
Dear Pastor Jean Ai,
Thank you for the lovely story of the love between you and your grandmother, it is really beautiful to know how much you have treasured your time with her. And more than that to share with us the teachings from Rinpoche.
Yes, death is inevitable and it is important for us to be able to contribute to the rebirth or afterlife of our beloved.
Your story reminded me of the year in 2007 when I had a strong desire to visit my god parents in USA, Margaret and Thomas Hague. They were very kind and loving to me, as stopping in their ranch in Canton, Ohio on my business trips to USA was like a time of relaxation from the pressures of the business world. They would always be there and we would have a great time together.
After visiting them in April 2007, I continued to keep in touch with them as they were both not well, with Margaret suffering from cancer and Tom from several strokes. One year later, Margaret passed away and I managed to talk to Tom over the phone, but sad to say Tom passed on 3 days later.
The circumstances were very saddening but that is what life is all about and our death is never predictable but totally inevitable.
Rinpoche’s advice to care about all our beloved is very kind and compassionate, Thank you Rinpoche.
Even though how long a person lives, we always used to hear remarks like “life is brief; before we know it, it’s over”. Of course as said, death is unadvoidable, and the moment of death is uncertain. We do not know when that will happen, it could end anytime. What counts is that whether we have achieved our goal, which is to find happiness. All of us do wish for happiness and want to avoid all forms of sufferings. As in Buddhism, achieving happiness in this life alone is an inadequate goal. It is far more worthwhile to ensure ourselves of happiness in all our future lifetimes too. Even better than that, and also the very best of all, is to achieve a state of happiness in which is to concern not only with just our own happiness, but also the welfare of all living beings. This ideal is to work towards making all creatures happy too, like our Guru always do! To many of us, may we in our present life,with our good human body and mind give us the capacity to generate vast quantities of merit to purify ourselves of any bad karmic impurities to be able to obtain a higher human rebirth in order to achieve our aims to serve and benefit all Beings. Om Mani Padme Hung.
感恩仁波切 和Pastor Jean Ai 的分享。
这篇文章里所提到的 孝恩和 对 还在世亲人的关怀令我想起了 11年和4年前我的父母离世时的情节。我的母亲在55岁那年突然得了肝癌在短短的两个月就往生了，她的离世给我打击很大。我的母亲劳碌了30多年刚好是家里可以安定下来，儿女都成年可以退休和我父亲结伴同游的时候，她就突然病发离开我们。
我还未来得及请她旅行，请她吃一餐我煮的晚餐，未来得及看到我弟妹的成婚就这样离开了。我和她最亲密的时候就是她得病时，牵着她的手到各大医院求医。煞是讽刺。
她离开的那一刻突然大量吐血，我当时还未学佛，对她的离世十分不舍拉着病床不给推走哭的抢天呼地。。。现在再想起当时的情形真的很懊恼。
母亲离开后剩下父亲我们都格外珍惜，为了让父亲下班回家可以有饭开，我拿起了火头将军的责任。我母亲在世时我是十指不沾阳春水，就这样这样子把我训练成了‘煮饭婆’我们姐妹都让父亲觉得我母亲还在世一样让他觉得不缺任何东西，母亲不在了还有我们相伴，陪他旅行 ，衣食住行都有人打点，不会让他觉得寂寞和孤独。
可是好景不长，母亲离开后的第7年父亲也患上了末期癌症，对我们又是一个晴天霹雳。这时候的我刚刚接触佛法，所以我一直劝我父亲念佛 和放生。但我父亲是位无惧神论者，因此不很相信我讲的，我们唯有帮他做了。因为有母亲的 前例，在照顾父亲上我们比较应手相对的心理比较踏实不比之前彷徨。
父亲在临终前几天突然对佛法改变，问我如何念佛号，原来几天前他突然在床上窒息原来是业力显现（之前他很爱钓鱼）梦里他变成了鱼饵（一种小青蛙常被用着鱼饵）被丢入水里在他挣扎时他念了佛号才醒了过来，所以才改变的。
直到他往生那晚（凌晨2点）因为这次知道往生者不可乱动，我们都只围在床边诵咒，10个小时后我才联络了殡仪服务到来，可欣的是他们告诉我父亲身体软如棉，面色微红，我终于明白佛菩萨真的存在。可惜当时还未真正认识克切拉，不然祈愿堂帮忙更好。
我衷心希望他们投身去更好的地方，早日亲近佛法，听闻佛法。
Thank you Rinpoche and Pastor Jean Ai for the sharing
What I have learnt from this article are:
1) Death is unavoidable and irreversible. and the moment of our death is uncertain. Games and fun will not help us. The only thing that can help take our pain away, is the Dharma. Therefore, we preparing our death and for those closet to us is the best give we can give to them.
2) We should not cry when the person we loved passed away. as it is our our responsibility to make sure the person passed away knew we were okay so they could leave in peace and their mind would not hang around and worried about us
3) We should work together and do what we know is the best for the deceased. What we do is our own affair, not others. We can recite prayer and the deceased favourite mantra.
4) Do not leave the person whose companion passed away alone. They might pretend they are ok because they don’t want to burden others. We should take care of them because their heart will be broken down. We should repay our kindness, put aside our own needs and pursuits aside to accompany them and help them pull through this ordeal.
5) For the elder parents/grandparent, give others the chance to serve you, let them have the honour and be able to collect merit to serve you and repay your kindness, give them If you don’t do this and you pass on, they will have guilt and regret. Don’t let them suffer like this
We should prepare ourselves what to do before, during and after a death because death is uncertain. By preparing ourselves, we can help our family, people around us.
Dear Pastor Jean Ai,
Thank you for sharing with us your personal experience of losing your beloved grandmother and Rinpoche’s advice for your family. Death is inevitable. If we don’t take the time to embrace the fact that one day we will depart from each other, we will suffer tremendously when that day comes. We will find it very difficult to say our last goodbye to the ones we love so much.
I remember when my paternal grandmother passed away as well. It didn’t hit me until months later as well. I loved her a lot as she was the perfect grandmother in my mind. I still miss her whenever I think of her. She will always have a special place in my heart. It’s too bad I hadn’t learnt Buddhism back then. Otherwise, I would have done more pujas for her.
All of us would experience death of a loved one sooner or later. It’s an experience that will put life in a clearer perspective. Life is extremely fragile and we’re not immortals in the human body.
I’ve learnt while practising Buddhism that no matter what our differences may be, it’s not important. If we cherish a person or life in general, we should see pass our differences, accept the person whole heartedly and love them unconditionally. This is because we will never know when our goodbye will be the final one. So it’s pointless always fighting to be right and harbouring on the negative aspect of a person or any negativities in general.
Rinpoche’s letter to your family is a teaching and practice that is very beneficial on many levels for all your family members. You are all very fortunate to be given the advice during such a difficult time.
Much care,
JP
看了Pastor Jean Ai 憶念她外婆的这篇文章及仁波切对家屬的开示，让我想到，雖然我们有幸听聞和正在学习佛法，但我们真正準備好了吗！当無常真的降臨在自已家人或自己身上时，能镇定应付自如及接受嗎？我自己就不太肯定，但知道有一些事是必须要做到的。
就是当家裡有成员往生时，其他的人都应该放下各人成見及不满．尊從死者生前的遺愿和宗教．让死者可以安心和平静的离去。不留遗憾！
若死者没有留下特别遗愿，而家里又是拜佛或民間信仰时，这时用佛教儀式是給亡者最后的好礼，不殺生，诵経文.做法会迥向他，让他一路好走．丧礼过后，要照顧还在世的另一人，如双方非常恩爱的话，更要留意。仁波切也提醒说一个人的心灵建設会影响他的健康，若不，最后在世的伴侣也会很快步上后麈隨他去。看来人的生与死都要慎重看待。
Thank you Pastor Jean Ai and Rinpoche on this subject on death and advice that we so badly needed especially when there is an unexpected and sudden death in the family. We all know that it is a taboo subject never to talk about and never to be discussed and people will shun you or show their disgust or walk away very quickly whenever such topic are raised.
It is always very devastating for everyone no matter how strong they may professed to be when death comes knocking at our door. It would be more painful especially when it happens so suddenly. I remembered that I attended a friend’s passing just recently, she was at the prime of her life when children are all grown up and a time to retire, relax and enjoy the holidays with her hubby and then tragedy suddenly strike. It pains me to see her going through this ordeal going from one hospital to the next; operation after operation, tears flowed whenever we visited her. There are no right and proper words to described her agony, her fears, her uncertainties and the so many times seeing her like that I just wished that I have this power to remove all of the mental and physical pain that is within her. Many times I tried to assure her and pleaded with her never to give up because we have the same spiritual master and assured her that if the master is not giving up on her then she should not even think of giving up. All she ever wanted from us is each time we meet is to give her a hug we even crossed our little last pinky finger together and I make her promised me that we would attend the level three healing training together when she recovered from her ailment and I continually ask her to be strong.
During my meditation I will use whatever I have learned, like lighting candles, prayers and I will visualize light from the Buddhas especially Medicine Buddha going into her body and cleanse all the dark energy and each time I do that tears would flow incessantly.
This was a very poignant event in my life and it has left an indelible mark which I would hold dear in my heart
I guess it was not meant to be with all the hopes we have, all the prayers, all the meditations, all the promises just vanished into thin air, God gives and God takes it away.
I remember a Buddhist quote that says life is uncertain and death is certain, now that we have Rinpoche with us guiding and teaching us on death meditation I believe it would come a time after much practice that we will all be more open and see and accept death as part of our living and we should not let fear cloud our mental frame all the time on death.
Thank you Pastor Jean Ai for sharing Rinpoche’s advise. Yes, losing our love one is definitely very sad. I lost my beloved dog last year and although i did recite mantra for him in the 49 days but I didn’t accompany my mum who help me took care of the dog for 24/7 after I went to university. I feel so guilty and regret after reading Rinpoche’s advise. Anyway my parents are still alive, now no matter how busy I am, I definitely will go home twice a week and have dinner with them, talk to them and listen to them. I am now slowly bringing dharma to my mum, encourage her to recite om mani Padme hung everyday.
Thank you Pastor Jean Ai, thank you Rinpoche.
Humbly with hand folded,
NgJesvin
Hi Jesvin, thank you for your comment! The best gift we can give to anybody including our parents is the Dharma. If we consider how many lifetimes we have already reincarnated, and how many lives we will reincarnate to in the future, actually our time with our loved ones and friends is short – this life is what, 80-90 years if we are lucky and nothing goes wrong?
Since we are with them for such a short period of time, it will be very good for us to find skillful ways to connect them to Lord Buddha’s teachings. Rinpoche is the best example of this practice. Wherever we are, Rinpoche ALWAYS finds a way to impart Dharma to at least one person. When I was in the US with Rinpoche, for example, Rinpoche would give a Dorje Shugden pendant to almost every waiter who served us.
I realised this is the most precious thing Rinpoche has – his Dharma knowledge and Dorje Shugden – and Rinpoche is so generous in giving it away. On top of that, we know Rinpoche’s biography and how much Rinpoche suffered for the Dharma, and how the Dharma helped Rinpoche. Rinpoche truly 100% believes the Dharma can help others too, and is so compassionate to always make sure other people also have a chance to benefit from Buddha’s teachings. This is very inspirational for me.
I’m sorry to hear about your dog by the way 🙁 perhaps you might want to sponsor a Medicine Buddha puja and dedicate the merits to him. It is something you can do for him even though he is gone.
Thank you Pastor Jean Ai for sharing such personal moments of sadness with us as Rinpoche’s advice given still has the relevancy to everyone who faces such moment of loss. All of us will face losing someone dear to us and it is during these times that we do not waste our grief in self-indulgence of tears or sorrow, but instead to focus out to help and care of others. Rinpoche had cared and loved your family for such a long time and it was so fortunate for your grandmother to have him conduct prayers for her. Such tremendous blessings at the time of need.
Thank you Rinpoche and may Rinpoche remain with us for a very long time to help guide us during our journey of learning.
It is very emotional to have a family member passed away. Especially when it is the one whom we have fond memories with. I can tell what a loving person Pastor Jean Ai’s Ah Ma was from the writing. When my father past away in 2011, it was difficult for the family. I can still remember the feeling of lost that lingered within the family even two years on after his passing. Therefore I can imagine the feeling of loss suffered by Ah Kong. Ah Ma and Ah Kong had spent almost a lifetime together and now suddenly the better half is gone. Hence, the extra care and attention for the living is imperative.
I wish I had known this at the time of my father’s passing so that the emotional support for my mother could had been much earlier. But I am still thankful for my mother is still alive and I can now do for her what I could not for my dad. And now I have learnt from Rinpoche’s teaching, the best gift I can give my mother is Dharma knowledge.
Thank you Rinpoche and Pastor Jean Ai for this emotive article.
Humbly, bowing down,
Stella Cheang
Thank you so much Pastor Jean Ai for sharing with us your writing.
What a joy to read you and how beneficial it is to be reminded about death and how to be useful and caring for the others at the time of passing and after. _/\_
Dear Michele Marie,
Nice to see you here! To read more of Pastor Jean Ai’s wonderful sharing and writing, you can click on this to see a list: https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/author/jeanai
I think you will enjoy reading this too, “Growing Up With Rinpoche”: https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/guest-contributors/growing-up-with-rinpoche.html
Hope to see more of your comments here on the blog!
Regards,
Pastor Shin
Thank you, Pastor Jean Ai for sharing this. In the 3+ years since my father’s passing, i tried not to cry. The only time I broke down was a day before the funeral and I had to go out the back so as not to be near the casket, as my mom who is a Buddhist of the Chinese Mahayana Pureland tradition had already given us instructions.
I’m sad he’s gone. I’m glad too as, mentally he wasn’t with us anymore. It was quite hard sometimes to see him and yet not have him recognize us. He was 96. It is a fact of life on this earth. We all have to move on.
As you say, “the only thing that will help us and our relatives and take their pain away, is the Dharma.”
We all have to learn to accept the inevitable and to let go when the time comes. I used to think Rinpoche’s advise to us to do death meditation pretty gory. As the months rolled by, I began to understand.
Hi Fong, thank you for sharing with us your personal experience with the passing of a loved one. I have read people saying that death meditation is gory but when we think about it as you have, you come to understand why it is so beneficial for us.
Accepting the inevitable is indeed beneficial. We live our lives in a state of denial so when we accept and realise what our real future is, it will actually be quite liberating! Liberating because it gives us time to prepare for that moment so we are in control when it comes, and liberating because we suffer much less when our loved ones pass away, and when we ourselves are in the process of passing away (if we are so lucky as to be conscious and in control at the time).
I would say that the analogy of an ostrich is useful in explaining this. Being an ostrich with our head buried in the sand isn’t helpful to our spiritual practice. We can’t see the problem and we think it’s gone just because we can’t see it but for sure, the lion that is creeping up to devour us is still there! It makes much more sense to pull our head out of the sand, so we can see which way we are running 🙂
Dear Pastor Jean Ai
thank you for sharing that personal experience and how Rinpoches presence and advice had made such a painful and sad event into something more bearable and comforting.
Its an eye opener how Rinpoche made such a sad event into a major Dharma class that benefited everyone and every being.
We should not just cry and take effort to recite holy Mantras durnng such critical times.
Relatives should for a short period at least not just think about themselves but someone else..in this case Ah Kong who was so close Ah Ma. To sacrifice ones discomfort on their part to supoport Ah Kong
To be able see past one speech on what a person wants and realise what a person really need. In that Rinpoche pointed out Ah Kong may say he prefer to be alone etc..but Rinpoche knows at such time support and is Key. Thanks for sharing again and thank you Rinpoche for the precious teaching.