Do you know someone like this?
Dear friends,
This is a short yet powerful article. Do you know someone like this in your life? It is one thing to be kind, spiritual and forgiving and another thing when these qualities you show another is not appreciated but taken for granted and you are taken advantage of. Letting others take advantage of you under the guise of spirituality, compassion and forgiveness does not help the narcissist or yourself.
Some people will not change. Some people are kind of emotionally draining like emotional vampires. You can show them patience, compassion, kindness and lots of love, gifts, assistance, time and conversations, but all they can think about is themselves and never anyone else. It’s always how they feel and never about you and your needs. They can only think about how they feel and nothing else. Whatever you have done has very little effect and in fact they never show appreciation for all you have done. Clear sign of Narcissistic Personality Disorder of some sort. They can never be told they are wrong, or criticize them even if it’s constructive. Sometimes it’s just you would like things done another way and it’s nothing personal, but they will go into a foul mooded tail-spin and take any comment or change very personally. They cannot distinquish between personal friendship and a work relationship. Work is work and friendship is friendship. Having divided opinions for work should not affect a friendship. They can even ‘borrow’ money, take money and never pay back. They feel you owe them. They will do so much to manipulate money from you and they leave a trail of doubts and misgivings on money handling, borrowing or usage that affects you. They are highly critical of others and have very moral/ethical principles for others, but it does not apply to themselves. They are above it.
They can never see or consider or even ask how you feel. It’s always how they feel, or how you made them feel or how it’s your fault that you made them feel this way. It is always about them. They find it hard to change and the monumental efforts you put towards them gain very little traction or change from their side. They just go back to the way they are. Any logical reasons you present will be shot down or they don’t accept or they don’t believe. They don’t believe because then they would have to take responsibility for you, your pain and your needs. They can’t do that because they would have to change or focus out and not on themselves anymore. So they choose to not understand, not believe and not accept. It’s a trick they use. Observe. They are master manipulators but not for a good purpose. They manipulate you to do their bidding, to tiptoe around their emotions and to make you feel guilty about how they feel. Whatever you do never makes them change or even is mentioned by them to you. Whatever you do, they are never happy, forever moody and always find fault. They find a reason to be unhappy and choose to leave, run off or escape then face the fact you know their game now. They like to never get close emotionally and sabotage a good thing intentionally. Even if they get emotionally close, it’s just for a short time and they turn off the charm fast once you don’t feed their control or they cannot control. They can’t handle something good as they have been damaged themselves. But they have to want treatment and change. That’s the key-they have to want otherwise you keep trying will not make a dent. We should not feel guilty about not wanting to tiptoe about them anymore because it does not help them or ourselves. Sometime we have to realize they will not change, unable to change and they will only hurt and damage as it gives them a sense of twisted self worth or power over you or a situation. If they want to change and they do change, then of course we can be there for them because one day soon they will run out of people and places to run to or hide because nothing lasts.
There are phone apps that I use to message or call people and these apps have functions to block someone. I know people who will block me on the phone if they are upset with me, unhappy or have a perceived notion of what I ‘did’ to them. They will not be adult and talk it out or discuss, but block my messages, block my number or not answer my messages which I find appalling, immature and vengeful. Enough of that for sure. Anyone who simply blocks you does not want to deal with reality or perhaps themselves. They can twist things into being your fault for sure. But for sure their time for that will run out. You could have had decades of friendship with them and if they can simply and disrespectfully block you at a drop of a hat, then the decades spent with them mean nothing much to them.
Being kind and compassionate is important but being kind to myself is also important. Not letting harmful narcissistic persons control or destroy a situation is important for everyone all around.
Read this article carefully. It will help you understand things and put them into perspective as it did for me. Read the solution for these types of people and the five important questions that are presented to gauge these types of people. Not judge them but gauge for our own mental health and the peace we wish to have in our environments. To understand the confusion and perhaps pain they caused us.
Tsem Rinpoche
How to Break Up with a Narcissist
by Judith Orloffon, Jun 25, 2015
In my psychiatric practice, I’ve seen how hard it is for my patients to break up with a partner who’s a narcissist.
Narcissists can make you fall in love with them so hard that it feels like you’re giving up a part of your heart to leave them. And they use every manipulation in the book to get you to stay.
On the surface narcissists can seem charming, intelligent, caring—knowing how to entice and lure their way back into your life. But once they reel you back then they revert to their egotistical selves. Their motto will always be “Me First!” Everything’s all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, crave admiration and attention. They can also be highly intuitive, but use their intuition for self-interest and manipulation.
Narcissists are so dangerous because they lack empathy, have a limited capacity for unconditional love. Sadly, their hearts either haven’t developed or have been shut down due to early psychic trauma, such as being raised by narcissistic parents, a crippling handicap both emotionally and spiritually. (The damage of narcissistic parenting is outstandingly detailed in Alice Miller’s Drama of the Gifted Child.) Hard as it may be to comprehend, these people have little insight into their actions, nor do they regret them.
To find out if you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, ask yourself the following questions from my book on achieving emotional freedom.
Quiz: Have I Been in a Relationship with a Narcissist?
- Does the person act as if life revolves around him?
- Do I have to compliment him to get his attention or approval?
- Does he constantly steer the conversation back to himself?
- Does he downplay my feelings or interests?
- If I disagree, does he become cold or withholding?
If you answer “yes” to one or two questions, it’s likely you’re dealing with a narcissist. Responding “yes” to three or more questions suggests that a narcissist is violating your emotional freedom.
Narcissists are hard nuts to crack. With these patients, the best I can do is align with their positive aspects and focus on behaviors that they agree aren’t working. Still, even if one wants to change, progress is limited, with meager gains.
My professional advice: don’t fall in love with a narcissist or entertain illusions they’re capable of the give and take necessary for intimacy. In such relationships you’ll always be emotionally alone to some degree. If you have a withholding narcissist spouse, beware of trying to win the nurturing you never got from your parents; it’s not going to happen. Also, don’t expect to have your sensitivity honored. These people sour love with all the hoops you must jump through to please them.
If you’re trying to break up with a narcissist, use these methods from my emotional freedom book to get your power back.
Don’t Fall For Their Manipulations
They will use every trick in the book to get you back so be prepared. Narcissists are really convincing. When you are ready to leave, stick to your convictions and move on to a more positive future filled with real love.
Set Limits
Since narcissists have no empathy, nor can they really love, you must leave them cold turkey and endure the pain. Set limits and say “no” to them and in your heart. Then gather all your strength and keep walking into the unknown towards something better.
Focus on the Future
Once detached from a narcissist, it is extremely important that you focus all your positive energy and thoughts on doing good things for yourself and the world. Don’t let your mind wander to the past or to what he is doing.
Be Kind to Yourself
Treasure yourself. Be very kind to yourself and know that you deserve a loving relationship with someone who can reciprocate that love.
My view on life is that every person we meet along the way, loving or not, is meant to help us grow. Do not beat yourself up for getting involved with a narcissist. But please learn what you can from it, including setting healthy boundaries and saying “no” to abuse, so you don’t repeat this lesson again. It is very emotionally freeing to heal any attraction to abusive people so you can have more true love in your life.
Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s NY Times bestseller, “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life”
Or view the video on the server at:
https://video.tsemtulku.com/videos/narcissist2015.mp4
Do read more by Judith Orloffon as she is very good. She really hits the problem right on the point. I thought I’d bring some attention to her works so you can investigate more on her works.
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Antique Pelden Lhamo thangka with sacred Dorje Shugden at the bottom right. Can see Tsongkapa and Guru Rinpoche on the top also. Beautiful and holy.
After reading this interesting article I recalled back during my working days I do have met and had known people with Narcissistic personality disorder . Feeling sad and disappointed at the beginning but as time goes by I forgive them and letting go what is done are gone. Leaving them alone was my best choice which I had made. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, selfish, manipulative, and demanding. They certainly lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. They seem not to appreciate things and what has been given them and knowledge learned. Forget the past and move on in our life.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this very insightful and powerful article.
As I have been thinking of what an awful week the past one had been dealing with people who had worked me for many years, turn around and said that they are tired of listening to me to tell them the right way to behave and to train the new staff who are taking over their jobs, as they wish to retire.
I was in a state of shock as I believed I have treated these individuals kindly with perks like good bonus, cars, phones etc. and since it is their wish to retire, they will be more than happy to help out and have a good handover to their replacements.
Well, reading this article, I realise the meaning of the accusations against me is but the way they are being narcissists and it had uplifted my spirits for a good and cheerful weekend.
Thank you, Rinpoche for this cyber temple and help for us to live with better balance in this very complicated and emotionally charged world.
Dear Rinpoche,
This is indeed a very insightful article that made me think wholeday that i have been made use few times. I think i still am being taken for granted at the moment. When they need me they come to me,but when they got something they start to ignore me.Some even put a deep cut in my heart which i can forgive but hard to forget. I feel confused most of the time.Makes me wonder who are my genuine friends and who are not? But it has made me stronger and smarter in regarding frienshiships. I’m more selective and careful now. Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this post. i love the cool picture quotes! 🙂
Dear Rinpoche,
This article enable me check on people around me and also myself. When i look at people around me, is it not hard to find i have friends who have sign of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is very true when i tried to talk to them, i get very upset that over the years, they are not changing, they are having so huge fantasy about themselves. Even sometimes they showed changes, it is actually is time to use you to get what they wanted. I wonder, why can’t they see that fantasy is destroying them? Look at them further, that is because they are currently in the stage of failure. To run away from their failure, to avoid the pain of failure. They revolved their fantasy around themselves. They refuged to walk out and focus out. Most of the time, when i am trying to help them, the result i get was angry at them, even wanted to beat them. After some times, I decided to let go. But, i am in dilemma of not able to help them.
As i read further, I think i myself have these signs too! Amazing we are our own victim. When i think further, why do i have these sign, the 1st thing came to my mind is- I am very self centered person. I wants things to go my ways since young. To think further, these behavior have actually bring damage to myself more than helping me.
After i joined in Kechara. Rinpoche have taught me to be kind, be more observant, focus out. Rinpoche taught me about the cause and effect, and make me know what kind of actions have brought myself to certain level of failure. Fear, worry of future is not helping me to develop the future i wanted. Thus, after reading this article, why not i let go and focus out and focus on works that i need to do currently. Instead of becoming a mind game player and a narcissistic.
I thanks Rinpoche for giving me a chance to realise what i am. May i learned dharma well and transform quick to be more beneficial
With folded hand, love
Freon
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for sharing this article. These kinds of information is very needed in the society of the new age where everyone is focusing more on themselves and less on others. Many people have to deal with narcissist everyday without even knowing that. Hence, they keep pouring their love and attention onto those narcissist and get emotionally exhausted and suffer without a clue.
I think the best way to deal with a narcissist is to maintain minimal interaction with them. It might seemed cruel and harsh at first, but it is for the better. By being near one of them, you will only feed their ego and their need for superiority. If you tolerate them forever, they will think that nothing is wrong with them and they will continue to be the kings and queens of the world.
I LOVE all of the picture quotes, they are bitchy yet direct. There used to be quite a few people of that in my life, I didn’t know what to do back then and thought that I should just be patience with the. But as time passes by, it proved that giving them patience will never work, the best thing to do is to leave them alone.
You may say that it’s cruel to just walk away from these people, but the cruelest thing to do is continue to sweet talk them, tell them all kinds of bullshit and keep boosting their ego and allow them to think that they are the most superior living beings on earth. I don’t hate these people, they are just blinded by their egoistic minds and therefore they are incapable of caring.
Most of the people have turned into individuals like this is because of the environment they live in, where everyone is busy taking care of their own issues and therefore their minds are not open to anyone else except for themselves. This is a huge problem, if its not fixed, it will turn into a massive social issue where everyone is just so cold to each other. People should be educated about this problem and to start off with it, I would suggest that we stick to ‘do one good thing a week’ or even a day. We set a rule for ourselves and make sure we do one good thing a day or a week that benefits others, the point is to be discipline with ourselves and slowly make it a habit.
Thanks Rinpoche for sharing this article. I think The Eight Verses of Thought Transformation by Geshe Langri Tangpa Dorje Senge is the best way to overcome narcissistic. Before I join Kechara , I am very high temper person and always think about myself first. Now I learn from the eight verses of thought and apply it for my mind transform .i am not totally good but im in the right path.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this informative article.
Human beings are social animals. Our lives depend on other humans and our connections to others are key to not only our survival, but also to our happiness and the success. I find it sad that narcissists lack empathy and have a limited capacity for unconditional love. What is more astonishing is that narcissits have little insight into their actions, nor do they regret them.
Narcissists are usually “damaged goods”, they can’t afford to be vulnerable so theey need to believe the lie. That’s why they make up a fictitious false self who is everything the narcissist is not: the entitled, superior, inflated, and grandiose self fed by the narcissist’s fantasies. This fictitious self which the narcissist thinks is real, hides the insecurity, damages and chases way feelings of depression, abandonment, and shame. It protects them from painful feelings.
Many people can fall prey to narcissists because narcissists can seem charming, intelligent, caring and they will use every trick in the book to manipulate you. I have unfortunately seen narcissists “at work”, and people in a relationship with a narcissist could get caught up in the narcissist’s world and lose sight of their own. At some point, you may think that you are at fault and want to recapture his/her initial interest and feelings about you but none of the efforts are likely to be effective or to work for the long-term.
We have a choice, that is to accept that the charmer is self-absorbed, unable to form meaningful relationships. Part of being in a relationship with a narcissist is accepting that he sees the world the way he does, and you can’t change it. You can, however, change yourself and the situation. We should explore our needs, wishes and desires that led us to be captivated by this person, then we will be able to heal, grow, develop and move on to more satisfying relationships.
Given that narcissism is a spectrum disorder, we all have some traits along that continuum and having some narcissistic traits at the lower end of that spectrum is considered normal and healthy. The most common symptoms of are: inflated ego, expectation of constant praise/admiration, belief that they are special/better, willingness to take advantage of others, disdain for others, jealousy, oversensitive to criticism, inability to recognize other’s feelings or accomplishments, manipulative behavior, unrealistic goals/dreams, outbursts of rage/contempt with little provocation, sense of entitlement. Knowing these symptoms, we must understand that these traits are destructive and be aware to not let these traits and symptoms affect our relationship with others.
Thank you Rinpoche for this post… now I know what a narcissist is and who they are!
Yes it’s true that the world must revolve around them and if it is not about them or not to their benefit, they will drop you at blink of an eye. Yes they can be extremely cold and quite insensitive, other people’s feelings do not really matter to them. It is always about them and they will keep on using you to benefit them. It can be to accompany them to somewhere, to fill in the void when they have no one, to run their errands, basically their friendship means being there at their back and call but whenever you need them, it is very difficult and almost impossible for them to help you.
I agree everything said about a narcissist mother, I did not know what to call them then; all I know was that perhaps they were not quite right and very scary mothers to be around with. It is amazing how they can manipulate their own kids, making them feel guilty, unworthy and yes even causing schism amongst the siblings, competitive behaviour; create envy and jealousy amongst each other for the sake of gaining favour from their mother. Yes the mother is always the victim. This is really an emotional unstable mother who cherishes herself above all. It is a very sick kind of childhood to be growing up with a narcissistic mother, a very stressful too cos you’re always on high alert what mother will find wrong next and start her drama, there is a lot of psychological pain and suffering for the child and this can affect their adulthood I am sure.
It is extremely tiring, emotionally draining dealing with a narcissist because they need a lot of attention and anything not align with their agenda could trigger them to blow up, over exaggerate things, create unnecessary drama because they can start throwing tantrums, or completely shut you out. Although they may be 50 years old, they can act like a 5 year old when they don’t get what they want or if you caught them out. In a way I feel very sad for them because deep down inside they are suffering so much. Their fear of being insignificant pushes them to do whatever it takes to be noticeable and I guess sometimes even if they hurt someone in the process, they don’t really care.
Being with a narcissist is literally like walking on eggshells, you’re always so afraid of triggering something in them. On the other hand I also realise their deep seeded insecurities. It is very hard to be with a narcissist or expect them to change, it is better to let them be and stop our relationship with them for now. Hoping they will one day realise their damaging ways and humble down, get off their high horse and just be real.
After reading this I also realised that there are many with including myself with one or two narcissistic traits. If it goes unchecked it can bloom to more and worst. I am very glad I met Rinpoche and hence the dharma because it has helped me eliminate many wrong views I had that caused me tremendously suffering. I will always be grateful to Rinpoche for this. I really hope those with such narcissistic traits, after reading this post, will be able to recognise their problem and quickly catch it, get rid of it, amend their ways before it is too late.
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for the article.
I have met and encountered Narcissist in my life. Some I have moved on from, others I just keep a distance whenever I can.
I still believe being compassionate and understanding to them is the best way forward to treat myself, although they can be emotional vampires or leeches. Distancing is currently the better methods.
I always believe in the quality of people I mix around with and not the quantity.
When Rinpoche mentioned about being blocked on messaging apps over the mobile phones, a few names came to mind.. it wasn’t sad thoughts anymore, since I moved on.. but those actions are really so immature and funny.
I dare not say I may not have the narcissist traits.. since I am quite the prideful person, but I am working towards being a better me, a person people will be comfortable around with.
Thank you for the article as it made myself clear to how people can drain my emotions; and myself to drain theirs if I become too self-centric.
Yes I have met people like this and unfortunately (or fortunately) they are no longer in my life. Everything in this post is the ugly truth. There have been such people around Rinpoche. Although Rinpoche in his kindness tried to help them, it was with little success because as it says in this post, they are “hard nuts to crack”. But I must say that, at least they had some Dharma seeds planted in the mainstreams and hopefully in the future, they will be able to practice for real.
Most people prioritise the “I”.Naturally or unknowingly, basically ignorant of this fact. This is what gives rise to all the attachments, desires and further resulting in anger etc.
For a narcissist they thread beyond the normal lines of being selfish. They are capable of sidelining or even destroying others just to achieve their goals.They use mind games or other means to gain total control of a person, to take total advantage to benefit themselves. These sort of monstrosity minds are best to be avoided. I would certainly have no means to handle them.
Thank you Rinpoche for highlighting this form of “illness” !
I have met some people who exhibit the characteristic of a narcissist, didn’t know there is a name for them. I think they are highly insecured people, very low self-esteem deep down inside, they need to get compliments from people in order to prove their existence. They want success, fame, money but yet they do not want to work for it. Sooner or later people will know their true colour and distant themselves away because it is tiring to be with someone who is as explosive as a volcano when they don’t get what they want.
Dear Rinpoche,
I find it so incredibly ironic that you have chosen to write a post on narcissistic personality disorder. So incredibly insightful and pertinent. Thank you Rinpoche.
Kelvin.
Someone close whom I befriended for more than a decade exhibits these characteristics, even though not fully. Her manipulation and lack of empathy hurts in times when I need to count on her. I always feel guilty for not doing her bidding, because she always make sure to tell me that I am the one and only “special” friend that would do this “one of a kind” activity with her. Well…
It’s also amazing to observe that she has the gift to steer any conversation in any situation back to herself. Many gatherings with her went passed with the rest of us listening and she talking. We would get a slot to talk about ourselves when she allowed.
You are right, they will not change. In fact her self cherishing mind grew stronger as she raised up the ranks of corporate ladder. Today, as a friend, I will be there for her if she needs me but will not let her manipulation gain in routes anymore. I will also use her narcissistic behaviour as a mirror to remind myself how not to treat others.
Thank you so much, Rinpoche, for this sharing.
Humbly,
Stella
Thank you Rinpoche for a very informative sharing. I was angry reading the article because I knew they have been loved, cared and treated like a family by Rinpoche yet not only showed no gratitude to Rinpoche also showed no respect. The next thing I felt was terribly sorry for them because they just lost the most precious gift they could have in this life which is the Guru. What had they done i the past leading to this situation. Have they realized what wrong have they done?
Checking myself all the time is very important. Checking my action, my speech and my thoughts for making sure I am not one of the Narcissists. Although I am not in any position nor having an interest of changing the Narcissists but I definitely have the power to make sure I do not become one of them to make people around me suffer.
I know a few people like this. I felt miserable and confused whenever I was with them. They really can manipulate until the extend to make me feel guilty and blaming myself, feel worthless, thinking that there’s no way I can be better to please them. Was like whatever i do never fit into their standard. Sometimes they appeared like an angel, making me feel really sweet and nice. I must something to help them. The next thing i know was i was being used. I am emotionally abused. It’s ok. They made me stronger. I learned how to deal with them and myself.
I must say staying away from Narcissists would be the best way of stopping them from creating more harm for themselves and others. In the other words stop helping them to spreading the karma.
Dear Rinpoche,
This article above you’ve shared here made me think deeper. I do not only know someone like this but many. Unfortunately i used to be one of this “species”. Nevertheless, i do agree with Jacinta that if we are able it would be good to steer them back to the right track. However, it is hard when it comes to “change”. Very often i do think how do we tolerate NPDs (or how do people tolerate me previously?). The answer that i could think of is they can’t change, so i change myself. With hope that my change could be an influence to them to change for the better too. ^_^
Thank you.
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you so much for sharing such important article. It made me reflect to my own behaviour and to whom i am dealing with. This would help me to understand people and do necessary things if i come across such people. Understanding people is very important as we will know how to do and act accordingly for the benefit of others. _()_
Dear Rinpoche,
This is indeed a very profound article that made me think wholeday that i have been made use few times. I think i still am being taken for granted at the moment. When they need me they come to me,but when they got something they start to ignore me. I feel confused most of the time.Makes me wonder who are my genuine friends and who are not?
Thank you Rinpoche and Pastor Seng Piow.
Dear Rinpoche,
The first thought that came to my mind was “If we cannot help them, then at least don’t harm them”. This was shared by Pastor Henry too during our group Dharma Sharing last week. I’m sure we have this kind of relationship at one point in our life. We can try many ways to make the situation better but to no avail. Expectation from our side that the other person will change, is also the problem here.
It’s a very helpful article for me. We should have a healthy boundary with them and also look into future. Perhaps when we are in better position, we can help them better (such as having the necessary attainments/clairvoyance). It’s like we are in the voyage now, shrouded by clouds and we can’talk see the direction. If one of us can fly up, going above the cloud and then we can truly help them to steer away from danger or the best still, to final destination safely and quickly. Thank you Rinpoche and Pastor Seng Piow.