Raising Nice Kids According to Harvard Scientists
Nowadays, we often read news about children misbehaving, bullying others, being rude, hurting those around them, etc… Such bad behaviour in children has become a common phenomenon today and it is worrying. Therefore, instilling the qualities of kindness and compassion in the younger generation should be one of the most important priorities in our lives, be it as a parent or a guardian or an older sibling, because starting good habits from a young age ensures that our children grow up to become wonderful people who are beneficial to society.
I have written many times in the past about how we are our parents, and that through observing our parents, their habits, their good and bad qualities, we eventually become the person we are today… and in turn, we continue the same pattern with our children. This vicious cycle keeps going on and on until something positive like Dharma comes along to make a positive change in our lives.
I came across this article by a Harvard psychologist who has suggested simple daily methods that parents can apply in their children’s upbringing. The advice given by this psychologist is applicable to everyone whether you’re Buddhist or not, a fact I like very much because it means it is universal advice that everyone can relate to.
Always remember that being a great parent is not only about providing material needs… a huge part of parenting is to enrich your child’s life with good values, habits and universal good qualities. It is the best gift you can give them.
Please read and share with your friends.
Tsem Rinpoche
Are you raising nice kids? A Harvard psychologist gives 5 ways to raise them to be kind
By Amy Joyce
Earlier this year, I wrote about teaching empathy, and whether you are a parent who does so. The idea behind it is from Richard Weissbourd, a Harvard psychologist with the graduate school of education, who runs the Making Caring Common project, aimed to help teach kids to be kind.
I know, you’d think they are or that parents are teaching that themselves, right? Not so, according to a new study released by the group.
About 80 percent of the youth in the study said their parents were more concerned with their achievement or happiness than whether they cared for others. The interviewees were also three times more likely to agree that “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”
Weissbourd and his cohorts have come up with recommendations about how to raise children to become caring, respectful and responsible adults. Why is this important? Because if we want our children to be moral people, we have to, well, raise them that way.
“Children are not born simply good or bad and we should never give up on them. They need adults who will help them become caring, respectful, and responsible for their communities at every stage of their childhood,” the researchers write.
The five strategies to raise moral, caring children, according to Making Caring Common:
1. Make caring for others a priority
Why?
Parents tend to prioritize their children’s happiness and achievements over their children’s concern for others. But children need to learn to balance their needs with the needs of others, whether it’s passing the ball to a teammate or deciding to stand up for friend who is being bullied.
How?
Children need to hear from parents that caring for others is a top priority. A big part of that is holding children to high ethical expectations, such as honoring their commitments, even if it makes them unhappy. For example, before kids quit a sports team, band, or a friendship, we should ask them to consider their obligations to the group or the friend and encourage them to work out problems before quitting.
Try this
- Instead of saying to your kids: “The most important thing is that you’re happy,” say “The most important thing is that you’re kind.”
- Make sure that your older children always address others respectfully, even when they’re tired, distracted, or angry.
- Emphasize caring when you interact with other key adults in your children’s lives. For example, ask teachers whether your children are good community members at school.
2. Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude
Why?
It’s never too late to become a good person, but it won’t happen on its own. Children need to practice caring for others and expressing gratitude for those who care for them and contribute to others’ lives. Studies show that people who are in the habit of expressing gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate, and forgiving—and they’re also more likely to be happy and healthy.
How?
Learning to be caring is like learning to play a sport or an instrument. Daily repetition—whether it’s a helping a friend with homework, pitching in around the house, or having a classroom job—make caring second nature and develop and hone youth’s caregiving capacities. Learning gratitude similarly involves regularly practicing it.
Try this
- Don’t reward your child for every act of helpfulness, such as clearing the dinner table. We should expect our kids to help around the house, with siblings, and with neighbors and only reward uncommon acts of kindness.
- Talk to your child about caring and uncaring acts they see on television and about acts of justice and injustice they might witness or hear about in the news.
- Make gratitude a daily ritual at dinnertime, bedtime, in the car, or on the subway. Express thanks for those who contribute to us and others in large and small ways.
3. Expand your child’s circle of concern
Why?
Almost all children care about a small circle of their families and friends. Our challenge is help our children learn to care about someone outside that circle, such as the new kid in class, someone who doesn’t speak their language, the school custodian, or someone who lives in a distant country.
How?
Children need to learn to zoom in, by listening closely and attending to those in their immediate circle, and to zoom out, by taking in the big picture and considering the many perspectives of the people they interact with daily, including those who are vulnerable. They also need to consider how their decisions, such as quitting a sports team or a band, can ripple out and harm various members of their communities. Especially in our more global world, children need to develop concern for people who live in very different cultures and communities than their own.
Try this
- Make sure your children are friendly and grateful with all the people in their daily lives, such as a bus driver or a waitress.
- Encourage children to care for those who are vulnerable. Give children some simple ideas for stepping into the “caring and courage zone,” like comforting a classmate who was teased.
- Use a newspaper or TV story to encourage your child to think about hardships faced by children in another country.
4. Be a strong moral role model and mentor
Why?
Children learn ethical values by watching the actions of adults they respect. They also learn values by thinking through ethical dilemmas with adults, e.g. “Should I invite a new neighbor to my birthday party when my best friend doesn’t like her?”
How?
Being a moral role model and mentor means that we need to practice honesty, fairness, and caring ourselves. But it doesn’t mean being perfect all the time. For our children to respect and trust us, we need to acknowledge our mistakes and flaws. We also need to respect children’s thinking and listen to their perspectives, demonstrating to them how we want them to engage others.
Try this:
- Model caring for others by doing community service at least once a month. Even better, do this service with your child.
- Give your child an ethical dilemma at dinner or ask your child about dilemmas they’ve faced.
5. Guide children in managing destructive feelings
Why?
Often the ability to care for others is overwhelmed by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings.
How?
We need to teach children that all feelings are okay, but some ways of dealing with them are not helpful. Children need our help learning to cope with these feelings in productive ways.
Try this
Here’s a simple way to teach your kids to calm down: ask your child to stop, take a deep breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth, and count to five. Practice when your child is calm. Then, when you see her getting upset, remind her about the steps and do them with her. After a while she’ll start to do it on her own so that she can express her feelings in a helpful and appropriate way.
[Extracted from http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/07/18/are-you-raising-nice-kids-a-harvard-psychologist-gives-5-ways-to-raise-them-to-be-kind/]
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Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this wonderful article and good advice for young parents on how to raise their kids successfully. 👏👍😍
Reading this article again tells me that, whether as parents, teachers or people who are holding responsibility, or of influence, if we want the next generation to have certain qualities and aptitude, we really have to walk the talk.
If we want to inculcate care to the ones we care about, the family has to function harmoniously and with kindness towards one another. We cannot preach or expect others to do what we expect of them, when we are not living it ourselves.
It is never easy to raise kids these days with so many distractions especially in the urban areas. With so many shopping malls, entertainment outlets are mushrooming every other day and being bombarded constantly by so many media highlighting whatever they are selling. The latest fad is the social media spiraling everywhere it has infiltrated every corner, every family and normal conversations among family members has taken a backseat.
It has come to a point where many parents are feeling hopeless and sad that they would have to compete with these poison so much so that kids today are being shaped by society in their outlook, attitudes, speech and their behavior and perhaps their future.
However bad and grim the outlook or the circumstances maybe hopes are never lost if we take immediate steps to stop this rotting of our family values by inculcating in them family unity and introducing to them Buddhism. Dharma classes should be started when they are still young so that we filled their brains with right mental attitude. For those who have grown up kids it is a very delicate situation if approach are done with force they may turned around with hostility, gentle persuasion, patience and tolerance is a definite a prerequisite and setting an example by changing ourselves is always the first step in achieving our objectives. Secondary to that pujas, candle lighting would always help because we are invoking the enlightened to assist in our mundane problems
Thanks Rinpoche for sharing this article. The research is kind of providing another direction apart from mainstream thinking of our society, whether Western or Eastern, which emphasis very much on bringing up smart and intelligent children who could raise up to be the best in the society.
1. Make caring for others a priority
— It’s so true that we always and hearing people around us telling children or we telling oursleves that “the most important thing is you are happy”, it seems nothing wrong to say in this way, in fact it’s not. By saying this whenever we need to make decision which involve others, or whenever we see something unfair happen around us, we are actually encouraging someone/oursleves to focus in to “me” only, without considering how our decision having impact on another person or a bigger group of people. And, stay silence when we see unfairness, is actually helping the bullies.
2. Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude
— By reinforcing the positive behaviours, ultimately we will act out the positive things naturally 🙂
3. Expand your child’s circle of concern
— I believe this helps one, not only children but adults to connect their tiny world with the rest of the world, and the inter-connection within all elements of the world, including themselves.
4. Be a strong moral role model and mentor
— Educating by lecturing does not help much, compared to be a moral. Aren’t we look up on people who walk their talk as well?
5. Guide children in managing destructive feelings
— EQ is as important as IQ, it helps in our social life and career as well.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this article.
Raising kids in this era is not an easy task. Especially they are now expose to a lot of information of the outside world through the internet. Some information are good while some are bad and they may not able to distinguish it. At the same time, they also have their own view and not like my time previously that will just follow what that parents says although we may not like it sometimes.
The points that given by the Harvard Scientists are so similar to Rinpoche’s teaching that we should always instil the Dharma values to our kids eg be kind, compassion and respect to others.
May my kids always be closed to Dharma and always learn and practice Dharma.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this article on Parenting and How to be Good Parents.
Good parenting -are we raising kids to become truly happy? Are we inculcating the right skills for their true happiness?
“My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.” This is the response of the majority of children interviewed in a recent study.
Parents today are the products of their parents’ parenting. Hence in this materialistic-driven world, it has been a vicious cycle of our parents transmitting the importance of materialistic success over moral-wellbeing to us and we likewise, unthinkingly transmitting this to our children. Priorities are all wrong and these wrong priorities continue to be tranasmitted and propagated. Material success is hyped up as a necessity for survival .
Every generation of children grows up with the incessant clamour of material success and the rat race in their ears.But do these pursuits yield happiness?Maybe for a while. Then when things start to go wrong or when their pursuits remain a pipe dream, disillusionment sets in. Depression overcomes them and without being armed with the right coping skills for crises, when things go wrong or don’t go the way they want them to or when their material achievements crumble like sand-castles washed by the waves, they go down; depression, loss of self-esteem , fears and anxieties born of self-centeredness grip them. Suicide eventually becomes for their deluded mind the ultimate release.
Good parenting, as this article shows, requires us as parents to teach our kids, from a very early age, that we are not independent self-sufficient beings; rather, we are very dependent on others for our well-being and success. Furthermore,our negative actions have harmful repercussions on others. Good parenting requires us to teach our chidren to respect , be grateful,appreciate and care for others beyond family and to not be incessantly thinking ” I want it,so I must have it”.
Above all, good parenting requires us to teach our children that being kind is more important than being materially successful. Life -stories abound of rich spoilt selfish kids wasting their lives,indulging in all kinds of luxuries and then when the umbrella of good fortune, material success and opulence is removed from them, they crash!
However, the best and most effective form of parenting is when we practice what we teach. Be role models. But never mislead children into thinking that we are perfect. We need to acknowledge that we have our faults too and we are working on them. Children will relate better with us, when they know we are for real.
As reseach shows, “Children are not born simply good or bad and we should never give up on them. They need adults who will help them become caring, respectful, and responsible for their communities at every stage of their childhood.
So let’s begin to be serious and right-minded about parenting!
Being parents are not easy and raising kids is definitely even harder. Parents are role models for their kids and they should set good examples. First thing they must do is to teach them to have gratitude and be kind.
Children nowadays take a lot of things for granted and some didn’t even know the value of things expecially material things.
The best gift a parent can give to their child is the gift of Dharma. With Dharma knowledge they can grow up to be more tolerant and kind towards all sentient beings. In this way children can be raised to be moral people.
The 5 ways that Harvard scientist pointed out is exactly what Rinpoche always emphasises in His teachings. Thank you Rinpoche for the sharing as well.
Jill Yam
I like this very much, Amy Joyce clear states the qualities that His Eminence has always advised parents for raising children make a difference according to psychology. In fact these are the same qualities that Kechara Sunday Dharma School (KSDS) seeks to instill in the children who attend classes.
Pastor Adeline, with her team of dedicated volunteer teachers, give their all and have spent the last couple of years honing their skills at teaching these qualities. In fact we have seen a vast improvement in the behaviour of the children who attend.
The qualities mentioned in this article really mirrors what the Buddha taught. For example caring for others is the development of compassion, which is a necessary component on the path to enlightenment; being grateful for what we have makes us appreciate life, our circumstances and ‘frees’ our minds to care about others; expanding our circle of care is a necessary part of developing equanimity for all sentient beings; having a strong code of conduct, morals and values makes us better people and makes sure we do not engage in activity that creates negative karma, this is the purpose of vows within Buddhism; and the management of negative and destructive emotions is the path towards enlightenment, only then can we achieve the highest of realisations.
It is amazing to see that the very same things that were taught by Buddha Shakyamuni over 2,500 years ago and the great masters since that time, is the same that modern psychology also tells us. If we practice these, not only our children, we can see a real difference in our lives and those of our loved ones.
Parenting is indeed one of the most toughest jobs because children reflect their parents, it’s a tough job because there’s no guarantee whether if the child will turn out so called “good” or “bad”.
Most of the parents think that materialism is what will satisfied the child but they are very wrong, they are digging a hole for the child to jump because children are naive and certainly they do not know what is right or wrong. Materialism is what will spoil the children and it’s a very wrong thing to teach a child, always spend time to love and hear them out, never give them the idea that money is everything.
Parenting has never been easy, there have always been challenges. But, parents today face the more challenges in today’s fast-paced, hectic society. For example, dealing with new technology, rapidly changing family dynamics, an overwhelmed educational system and much more. More than that, we are talking about raising caring, respectful and responsible adult, which is even harder.
The five strategies are simple, but they are not easy to implement. However, I believe these guidelines will be valuable for parents, as well as caretakers, teachers and relatives – especially in Asian society where the extended families also have influences on the children.
In our modern society of individualistic culture, selfishness is one of the major causes of excessive anger, defiant and controlling behaviors and rage in children and in teenagers. Good to see that number 1 strategy by the Harvard team is “Make caring for others a priority”. This definitely is a good start!
These are great parenting tips. No. 5 is a really good one as we usually try to talk the kids through when they are already angry, upset, etc. and most of the time, it might not work effectively. It is definitely a better idea to practice when the kids are calm and relaxed as this way, they will most likely remember what to do the next time these negative feelings arise. Before reading this post, I taught my kids is to chant mantras whenever they encounter anger, frustration, nervousness or other negative emotions. This is to help distract themselves from the negative emotions that they were feeling and also by the powers of the mantras themselves, the good energies would calm their agitated mind, bless them and those around them. It helps that my kids know the power of mantras and have faith in them.
Am glad to have signed up my kids for Kechara Sunday Dharma School as the caring and dedicated teachers are already helping me teach my boys Nos. 1 to 5 in ways that are not only fun and creative but effective too.
Thank you with folded hands. With Rinpoche’s blessings and teachings, may our children blossom into kind, compassionate and spiritual adults.
Great article! Most parents would think that raising children is just to provide material support and good education and neglected the importance of raising a kind and compassionate child as suggested in this article. Do we really understand our children’s inner world and their emotional growth? Do we know how they think or feel and how they express their feeling? If we’re willing to take some time off our busy schedule and invite children to share their feelings and daily encounter in school or at home, we will be surprised to notice that they are excited and happy during the sharing as they feel treasured to have our attention. If children are given the proper channel to express their feelings, and they learn the appropriate way to express, they will eventually learn that all feelings are ok, accept feelings as they are and not treating feelings as monster or suppress them. The simple method (# 5) mentioned in the article is one of the appropriate ways for children to calm down when they’re upset. By doing this, they know that getting angry is not the only option and it’s not helpful in any situation too. When they know how to handle and accept their own feeling, treating others with respect and empathy will naturally become a part of them.
Expressing gratitude as mentioned in the article is another great daily ritual that parents can practice at dinner time or bedtime. Leading children to express their appreciation to their elders/friends who help them will be a great substitute to parents’ reprimand or nag at dinner table. We tend to scold kids when come to rectify what we think is improper. Instead, we can choose to show them how to express our own feeling in a more appropriate way and to express gratitude for others. When parents and children choose loving and caring expression over anger and hatred, I’m sure creating a society filled with compassion, peace and respect is no longer an unattainable dream.
Truly, what could be more important than teaching the future generation a sense of caring and social responsibility? Equipping them with the academic skills, such as reading, writing, math, history, and geography, and computer etc. is all fine and good but if parents neglect to teach them to be caring and compassionate, have the parents really given them all they need for fulfilling their potential and achieving a sense of joy and satisfaction in their lives? Of course, this then entails the parents too, walking the talk and being a good example for their children. And the strategies set out in this Harvard findings are practical enough to serve as either starting points or reference for improvement purposes. Interestingly, such strategies echo what our guru, His Eminence the 25th Tsem Rinpoche have been emphasising all along.
This article by Harvard is indeed interesting, because these ways are being taught by Tsem Rinpoche too. 🙂
One of the ways I find that it is effective is to let the kids do community works. For me, I let my kids to join Kechara Soup Kitchen in Medan Tuanku, where they play with the kids of homeless, and also teach them to draw and write. I can see that they enjoy themselves, may be because they feel great as they have done something meaningful.
I am yet to teach the 5th way, which is to take deep breath when angry. It is indeed a very good tip, especially nowadays, things happen so fast, and we (both kids and myself) don’t have the time to process and think carefully before we react.
说起现今的父母实在无法理解，因为在教养孩子 方面实在是糟透。我不明白他们为何会认为这种教法是对的？？
因为现在大多是双新父母，为了弥补孩子的相处常常以金钱满足孩子，以物质填补孩子。久而久之就形成孩子不思进取，常常伸手拿钱认为理所当然。
现在的家庭都是少子化，所以都特别娇生惯养，特别自私，霸凌同学和别人相处一定要别人迁就。
受不了委屈，在职场永远是老板同事的错所以常常失业，又或者是只想当老板，好吃懒做常常只是想多于行动。或是蜗居在家“啃老本”（吃喝父母的退休金）有些还娶了太太一起啃！！
其实这些孩子有这些行为举止都是父母本身造成的，父母的身教对孩子是一面镜子，常常看到报道孩子在学校被老师处罚父母当着孩子的面前数落老师，甚至还会动手，以这种身教教导孩子让孩子看在眼里就认为只要是够凶狠万事可解决，也可以说没王法了 。也让孩子以为动粗和暴力就可以解决问题。
有时候在餐厅遇到一些离谱的父母就是让孩子在哭闹也不劝停，还一脸自豪说我给孩子百分自由发挥！！！我常常认为小孩做错了应该有一些设当体罚是应该的。（并不是暴打）
孩子真的要教养，并不是天生天养！！如果做不到不如不养！
I have seen many monster kids especially nowadays, parents are just busy working and forgot the importance of raising a children with good values in life. Its sad to see kids these days have no respect to anything, not even parents or themselves.
These days parents only focusing on good educations but they forgetting morality as importance as well. I believe feeding the children with good values and feed them Dharma from young is important as i have seen children in kechara, they are growing up as a good human, kind, loving and caring. Great example like Beatrice, Liang Jing and many of them. I think that is the greatest gift from a perents as no matter how smart and how great you are, nothing beats a kind heart.
Thank you for sharing the article Rinpoche.
Love, Helena
I love this article. Even though I do not have kids of my own, it is worth sharing with my family and friends. It provides examples that is easy to understand. It really makes sense as children will observe and follow the actions of their parents. Therefore, parents should set good example so that their children will emulate. Also parents should guide their children to be kind to others and be caring to others. Start with family and move out of the circle. Especially to those who help or servicing us.
Just like what Rinpoche said: “Always remember that being a great parent is not only about providing material needs… a huge part of parenting is to enrich your child’s life with good values, habits and universal good qualities. It is the best gift you can give them.” Give them this gift and you will be assured that they will be okay for the rest of their lives. Hopefully, this will start to change a generation for the future of humanity.
This is an awesome article that give us a new angle in looking at providing a non-traditional learning experience for the children. In fact, I see that Kechara Sunday Dharma School (KSDS) has been the very platform that sustained these guidelines in KSDS classes through a variation of methods. The “Try This” ideas are very practical and applicable, we can all learn from this article.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing with us the article from Amy Joyce.
Humbly, bowing down,
Stella Cheang
Often, schools, colleges and universities are very much focusing on demanding good grades and individual performance. This has resulted in the parents and kids focusing in taking care oneself rather than looking out giving helping hands to those needed. Our society has already becomes very materialistic and individualistic, and the effect has even far greater destruction to our environment and existence .
This article’s idea is very similar to Buddhist teaching, for one to become kinder and generous for other. When we are focusing on helping others and for their benefit, ultimately we will develop compassion and real happiness. This is essential for the development of our children during their growing years, making them a healthier and stronger person for the family, our country and sustainability of our environment.
Children are our precious leaders in the making, the future of our country and planet earth. A healthy, harmony and peaceful country rely on the children. Children who do not concern about others is the main cause for an unhealthy and disharmony society and their parents are responsible for it.
It is important for everyone, children and adults alike, to put others’ priority before their own in order for good qualities to arise in them. Integrity, persistence etc. high ethical standards can then be expected from them. Thus forming a much needed caring and loving world.
With this understanding, the Kechara Sunday Dharma School (KSDS) for children age 2-18 are being nurtured with Buddhist values and methods that are very much aligned with the Harvard psychologist’s findings. We are very blessed to have such a setting in Kechara for this area of works to be done due to the kindness of our guru, His Eminence the 25th Tsem Rinpoche. We continue to work hand-in-hand with the parents for nice kids to be raised.
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for sharing this article with us. Parents nowadays are overly protective and paranoid when it comes to their children. They show them with love and care and blocked anything negative that will reach their children. It is very good for them to do that but, an overprotected child is being ripped off the chance for them to fall and learn. Easy life do not encourage improvement. They only encourage laziness and self-centered. The child can only learn when they are given difficult situation , then only they can thrive and learnt. There is not surprise when children of wealthy parents turned out to be spoilt brats. I’m not saying that only rich kids are spoilt brats, just that they have easier life than the rest. This article is very useful for parents to think about what’s best for their children.
Humbly,
Chris Chong
In view of all the destructions that is taking place in our world today, we certainly need a whole new generation of people who are kinder and generous, more focused on others. Children must be guided this way from young. Then it will be natural for them to be kind to others.
I am totally for the methods suggested in this article.
Most parents ignorantly take on the approach whereby we teach our children to become very self centered. We provide them with too much material methods and easily forget that it doesn’t do them much good. The whole world with its commercial-focused trend does produce very selfish and inward looking people.
As parents we need to realise our actions can make or break a child. We have to choose wisely.
As Rinpoche said “we are our parents “; so what type of parent do we want to be ; what type of adults do we want to make of our children ?