A Generation Gone
Every Chinese Lunar New Year, it is customary for the younger members of the family clan to visit and wish their elders “Gong Xi Fa Cai”. In my case, as my mother lived in Perth, the first thing to do on New Year’s morning was to call and wish her a Happy New Year, and then pass the phone to other members of my family so that they could send her their greetings too.
This year was different as my mother passed away in September 2016. This activity did not happen.
For the last few years, the number of elders I visit with new year greetings has been getting less and less. Many have passed on due to old age.
The members of my family generally live to quite an advanced age – the males to their 70s and the females to their 80s and 90s. They live healthy lives until the end of their days, without catastrophic illnesses.
In 2017, we still had one survivor of my parents’ generation still alive. My aunt was 95 years old and she was a cheerful and spunky old lady who loved to tease the younger ones. As such, I ensured that every member of my family visited to wish her a happy new year. On and off, she would doze off into a short nap and wake later to rejoin the conversation. We spent a good time together.
We had a great time with my aunt and “ang pows” were exchanged from us to her and vice versa. We chatted about old times and her children and grandchildren also bonded with us. There was a lot of joy and laughter as she recounted how we were when we were young.
As I have mentioned, this aunt was the sole survivor of the last generation. Sad to say, in June this year she too passed on.
She was not ill nor did she suffer from ailments. She just fell in the toilet one day. When she was found, my cousins called for the ambulance but by the time it arrived, the medical attendants pronounced her dead.
Although not unexpected due to her advanced age, we are all very saddened by her demise. She was the last living reminder of the previous generation of the family clan. With her passing, it is thus a Generation Gone.
Her death brings me to a realisation – that the next generation to go would be mine and that of my siblings and cousins. Scary though it may be, this is the cycle of life, ageing and death.
Is death a relief from the pains of ageing or is it the beginning of the next cycle of suffering?
As a Buddhist, I have learned the Four Noble Truths and that there will always be suffering until we have used our lives to gain sufficient merits and attainments to elevate us out of this vicious cycle of rebirth, ageing and death.
Special Note:
The Chinese custom of mourning for the deceased is pretty unique. In the event that the deceased is a member of the first of five generations, the mourning colours during the funeral are as follows:
- The generation of the deceased’s children will wear black.
- The generation of the grandchildren will wear beige or white.
- The generation of the great grandchildren will wear blue.
- The generation of the great great grandchildren will wear red.
This denotes that to have passed on as a member of the first generation within five generations is a time of celebration. That is why the fifth generation wear red as it represents auspiciousness to the Chinese.
This tradition was possible during ancient times when people married young, usually in their teens (15 to 18 years old). These days, to survive within five generations is much more difficult as people get married at a much later age and may not have children immediately.
Being a pragmatic people, the Chinese celebrate auspiciousness. As long as the deceased lived to over 100 years of age, then there is no mourning. The colour of attire at such a funeral would also be red.
Another interesting practice to note is that upon death, three years are added to the age of the deceased. The three years represent one year for the earth, one for the sky and an extra year for the self. I presume that this interesting tradition is for the deceased to appear more venerable.
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Thank you very much Datuk May for this very sentimental article. Makes me miss my beloved grandparents and those grand old aunties very dearly. Without them around, we don’t go visiting during Chinese New Year anymore. It’s quite sad actually that our generation hardly know one another anymore without our grandparents around.
Thank you Datuk May for this article on “A Generation Gone”. The Chinese culture and tradition places much emphasis on the seniority of a generation, as respect is accorded according to this seniority. The other side of the coin of this,is that the most respected and seniormost generation will be the first to pass away. As in this case, Datuk May’s aunt’s sad passing away signified the disappearance of her generation.
Her death,as Datuk May says, brings a realization of impermanence ; the next seniormost generation, her generation, will be the next to disappear. Hence, as Rinpoche always reminds us, we must remember that we have only a short time left on earth, as time is passing by very swiftly. My parents’ generation has five survivors -my 2 paternal uncles in their late 80s and their spouses,and my mother’s youngest sister-in-law. They too will pass on.
As Dharma is the only thing we will bring to our future lives, it is imperative that we practice the Dharma, remember our Guru’s instructions and transform to achieve a more and more peaceful mind, accepting difficulties,sufferings and hurts and forgiving others’ wrong towards us. It is good to remind ourselves of death’s imminence and that we need to practice the Dharma NOW.
Past few years, my grandmother,Aunty, Uncle passed away. I feel sad but this also create awareness to me that death is the final destination of everyone in samsara. Practicing of Dharma really help me in knowing that we must achieve final liberation and no more rebirth.
Besides that, we must appreciate the moment we gather with anyone and share Dharma to them.
Thanks Datuk May to remind me that to spend more time with the love one. I really grateful to my family and friends.
Jason
Dear Datuk May,
I have not thought of a generation is gone until I read your article. It is very true, looks at my grandparents, my great grandparents they have all passed away. The generation gone.
Chinese always believe that we must have kid so that our bloodline could passed down, symbolic of we are still alive in our next generation. Thus, it became a great tension in the family especially there are only one boy and no kid.
I have to thanks Rinpoche and dharma for correcting our wrong view. With more understanding on Dharma, my parents begin to understand the wrong view of having kids to continue of the family bloodline. Looking at the generation gone, one generation to another generation, how much bloodline can we have? Through marriage, we could even married to non chinese, could I say then the “bloodline is polluted”? And, when we passed away, will our karma and merits influent by the passing down of the bloodline? Or we could spend more time to do dharma and get out of this non-stop and uncontrolled rebirth.
Thank you for sharing this article.
Yours sincerely
Freon
Dear Datuk May,
Sorry to hear about your aunt but it does serve as a lesson for us all. Real soon, it will be our turn to bid farewell, that even if we have the chance to do so. Remembering death is what pushes us to do more, to forgive, to love, to give and many more. I remembered that you’ve written an article about leaving behind a legacy, and I believe you are leaving behind your word of wisdom which will benefit us and the generations to come.
Thank you for this reminder of “a generation gone” and remembering “death”.
Thank you for sharing this Datuk May, it is a reminder as sometimes we forget mortality is just round the corner. In some of Rinpoche’s talks he likes to remind us that within 50 years all of people in the room in the teaching will be gone.
So we have to make the best of the time we have left to good and practice the dharma, before we ourselves have to make the journey to the next life,
Sorry to hear about your aunt, Datuk May. Your aunt had lived to a ripe old age, which is something worth celebrating under the Chinese custom. But it also gives rise to the thought of what’s waiting in the after life? Does the definition of a good and prosperous life by the living mean anything to the dearly departed? When one person passed on, it is the same law awaits in the afterlife. We will be guided to a new rebirth and start all over again. The only chance to exit this cyclic existence is to practice dharma and collect merits. Therefore, it is heartwarming to see Datuk may practicing Dharma and maintaining good Samaya with the guru. These actions will matter most in our future lives.
Thank you Datuk May for sharing this article.Well…for me a generation too is gone.Both my mother and father side gone long time ago so as my husband side too. My family is small but a very big family from husband side,so we always make a point to have gatherings,male side for the reuinon dinner and have gatherings for both males and females side on the second day.Every Chinese New Year ,visiting those elder family is a must.Thats where we meet each other to renew our relationship,taking and exchanging latest news and so on.There is lots of laughters,as all of us know time is short and precious.Death is uncertain and near.Spending our time wisely fo sure.Well, the next could be me and my cousins or my inlaws.Who knows ?? What ever it is we got to accept thats life cycle.
Great to know about Chinese custom of mourning for the deceased. It would be nice so as younger generation get to know more about it. Interesting tradition which we should keep it on at this modern generation.
Thanks again Datuk May.
Thank you Datuk May for sharing this article. I am so sorry to hear about your Aunt passing on. Sometimes it is quite shocked and sad at the same time to experience death of loved ones or sometimes friends. But we pray that they may have a good and swift rebirth and may they able to meet the Dharma in their future lives.
With folded palms,
Vivian
Thanks Rinpoche, Datuk May and the blog team for sharing the article.
I am sorry to hear that Datuk May’s aunty has passed away recently and yes, that means the whole generation is gone. I understand that life is impermanence and death is certain. However， I still feel sad when people passing away even I understand it’s a natural process. The sadness comes from I didn’t do enough to give them the best, and losing someone that been to your life is not easy at all.
However, like most of us who come across this blog, I am fortunate to have Dharma knowledge for the birth and die process, although we can’t stop it, we understand live doesn’t stop when our physical body dies in this life. Life continues, and what we do contribute to our next life. This is not something to comfort ourselves but I believe this is the fact that we are experiencing.
Generation after generation, I believe soon after it will be my turn too to face the time of death. I wish by that time I did not regret what I have done with my precious human life and I will accept whatever my karma brings me. May I always meet my Guru lifetime after lifetime, until we are all liberated from the circle of sufferings.
Thank you
Thank you Datuk May for sharing your thoughts. It is the customary in our family too to great everyone at home and in outstation Gong Xi Fa Cai and greet them with best wishes on the first day of Chinese New Year. On top of that we do tea offering to the elderly. But recent years, the number of elderly that I do tea offering are getting so much lesser. I came from a very small family and now that my grandparents and parents are no longer here, festive season became extremely quiet.
It does reminds me though that life is impermanent and take the opportunity we have to practise dharma to reduce the suffering of ourselves and others.