Regrets???
“REGRETS,
I’ve had a few;
But then again too few to mention.”
~ Lyrics from Frank Sinatra in his song “My Way”
I find this statement from Frank Sinatra’s song extremely inspiring and I aspire to be in that same situation – to have but few regrets. The best situation is of course to have none at all. Tough job that will be!
Basically, regrets are the consequences of being lethargic and not doing anything, as in being stagnant. This will result in no progress in life.
Or, to have done something but be displeased with the consequences, or causing distress to the surroundings and other sentient beings. If we are to categorise the many types of regrets, I believe we can literally write a book!
However, there are some common regrets that everyone young or old will experience.
Regretting that:
- We did not acquire something that proves to be very profitable
- We did not do something that proves to be very beneficial
- We did something that proves to be extremely damaging to self
- We did something that proves to be extremely damaging to others
These are just a few examples and the list can go on and on, especially if we are honest with ourselves and others are honest enough to give you feedback.
Denial of wrongdoing is something that we are very good at and most of the time we let it slide and pretend that it never happened. However, the consequences of such behaviour is that we will never improve and will continue on in our oblivious, careless and indifferent ways.
The accumulation of this type of negative attitude will eventually hit us like a thunderbolt and we will regret it someday without any chance of recourse or remedy.
The other way is to behave like a living dead, without conscience or consciousness to the space we are in and the people we are with. In jest, we label this type of person ‘blur’. But are they really? I believe that this ‘blur’ attitude is the result of not caring about others and not being aware of what is happening around us.
From my personal experience, I have had many regrets but having learnt the method of letting go and accepting differences, I have trimmed down the amount of regret that plagues me.
I regret not getting results that I anticipate and expect. This is a real bad one as it can keep me up all night in anger.
I regret having behaved rudely or unkindly to others especially the ones I love and care about, just because I feel that they have disappointed or offended me.
I regret being governed by my likes and dislikes as a result of my being judgemental.
Within my own mind, I regret having mean thoughts of getting even when I am slighted. Hmmm… this is a secret that no one sees. But it shows on my face of total dissatisfaction and meanness.
HOW THEN DO WE OVERCOME REGRETS? It is not overcoming regrets that is important but to know what caused the regret in the first place. Also to know what caused the thoughts, actions and emotions that created the regrets. As I have mentioned, regrets are but the consequences or results of a cause.
Instead of regretting and falling victim to results below your expectations, which make you sad and unhappy, believe that it is your karma to achieve what you have achieved and be contented with that. However, do not make the mistake of doing nothing about it. Remember, to do the same old thing over and over again and expect different results is insanity.
At this point, I recall my Guru H.E. the 25th Tsem Rinpoche’s teaching: Let go of the expectations, do something different, and create the causes for better results. Some of the activities advised are to focus out to help and benefit others, do my daily sadhana and work harder with higher levels of effort in Dharma work and any projects that I have undertaken secularly.
Accidentally or consciously having inflicted pain or ill will on others is another regret that I suffer from. Once again, I recall Rinpoche’s teaching:
“Apologize sincerely and be aware never to repeat the same mistake again, and always remember that any pain that you have suffered must and should never be inflicted on others. Always be kind and courteous to others, just because such an attitude benefits you the most. Such an attitude in life will give you peace and calmness.”
There you go: having learnt the basics of the Dharma, for which I am most grateful to my Guru, I have learnt the method to overcome regrets by making “things” better and living with awareness and alertness to all things around my physical being and most of all within me. In this way, I may refrain from creating negative actions that will cause regret.
Will I still have regrets? Probably, as I am no saint. But the most important thing to learn from regrets is not to incur the same unworthy actions over and over again and realizing the difficulties, problems and ill will I have created to make gratification to remedy them.
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Thank you for sharing this article.You have pointed it correctly that many live in denial of their wrong doing and pretend it never happened. What makes regrets more beautiful is how we learn from it .
Simply regret does not bring us any where or improve the situation. Regret is not a punishment. Repair what we damaged. Accept our fault. Learn a lesson and never repeat that mistake.
Knonwing our mistake and feel regret is the first step able to make a change, what had done wrong at the past and not repeating same action again. In buddhïsm confession is important for those had created negative action. With full regrets and apply with four opponent power able purify own negative karma. Thïs ïs important for those engage in their spiritual practise to move forward for theïr practise.
Unfortunately, most of us have regrets and we wish things have happened differently. As long as we have the opportunity to repair, we are lucky and can try to change the situation. But when we have said something in anger for example, we can not take our words back, we can only apologise and ask for forgiveness.
Life is too short to spend our time regretting things. It is better to plan and act in the way we want things to happen and adapt along the way.
In Buddhism, we have also different purification practices. By doing purificatory practices, we can lessen the effects of our negative actions and do something to improve the situation and our future.
In our life, there are definitely a few things that leave us deep regrets and great impression. Usually deep regrets that give us deep impact, will make us change. But we don’t dwell on what we regret. As we dwell on what we regret, it’ll create negative energy, make us sad and create attachment or anger. We should take it as a lesson, contemplate on it, remorse and regret, and move on. Learn a lesson and never repeat that mistake that leave us a deep regret again.
Regrets for me is something one realises he did not do correctly or probably could have done better. But what makes regrets more beautiful is how we learn from it and the original regrets will not be something you will have to cling on forever.
如果世上有“遗憾和后悔” 药，，一旦你吃完之后所有的遗憾和后悔就会消失，这个“药”将会是世界上最畅销的产品，谁的人生没有几件遗憾的事？但如果早点意识到，你还能有机会去转换，到临终前才后悔不已， 这就是遗憾，曾经有个作者写了一本书总结了生命走到尽头时人们最后悔的5件事情。排名第一的是“希望当初我有勇气过自己真正想要的生活”。你是否有同感？
如果你是修行者， 可深思“掌中解脱”- 死亡无常里说到 “某天有个称作“死亡”的怨敌突然出现的时候，将发现以 前孜孜以求的权力、地位，财产等都帮不上忙了‧真正能帮助自己的只有神圣的正法，但因为未曾好好修持，临终将会生起极难忍受的懊悔之心，为时已晚之际，只 有自食苦果。
Regret, repair and move on. Regret is good if you truly realise the fault that you have made and then do something about if can. For example repairing a relationship, become a better person, improve ourselves or improve someone’s life etc, then move on with joy and rejoice. Because it mean nothing by being regret but without any actions? What if someone kept saying sorry to you but he continue to do that same mistake again and again? Not everything can be repaired, hence mindfulness especially after we have met Dharma, we should not live a life with regret but work on it so that we do regret more.
People make mistakes. Nobody is perfect in this world. We can’t expect people to do things for us perfectly where else we are not. Foremost, we need to be reconsidered ourselves just the same as them too. When we make mistakes, we notice, we regret and we tent to blame others first before ourselves. Blaming others of our mistakes is a poison of our selfish mind, which will provoke anger, hatred, denial etc. People get angry because they refuse to accept their mistakes and if prolong, it turns into habits.
Feeling regret is negative thought and it is sad, many people like expressing their wrong doings but yet they are not doing anything to improve their actions. Hence, their regrets mean nothing as they are creating negative speech to themselves. On contrary, I think feeling regret is a good thing for us to realize and understand of our mistakes, change and transform. Imprint good thoughts, put into action, eventually our mind will transform. Dharma is the best medicine to cure our mind because when death comes, our mind will go in peace without feeling anger and regrets.
Everyone has regrets and they remain as just regrets if no remedial action was done. To learn to let them go and remain perhaps as memories eases our mind. And to take regrets as experiences helps a lot by learning from them
The worst regret are the things done wrong that cannot be undone as the people we hurt may not be around anymore. Not being able to apologize for what was done. And I know how it feels like as it left a deep ‘cut’. Although it was a difficult lesson to learn but it taught me to value what I have and not take them for granted, even more, for some actions cannot be forgiven just by apologizing. Hence we must always think of the cause and effect and remind ourselves of it.
I am very blessed to be able to learn Dharma from our Guru as He really made me learn and understand a lot of things that I didn’t know was possible, especially for me to transform my mind albeit slowly. Most importantly, to be more mindful of my actions/thoughts and not repeat the negative ones, cultivate more positive ones.
Don’t spend too much time on regret, being sad and other negative emotions..because we know it will not help us to be better, only picking up what’s wrong & stand strong to make things right is the only way to make lives fulfilled.
We are bound to have regrets. Whether it is a small or big regret that will impact our lives. There is no point regretting at something that you cannot undo. Best is learn to let go and tell ourselves never to make the same mistake or decision which causes such result. I think by knowing and studying the Dharma, we may look at the situation in another angle which will minimize the regrets that we will emerge.
Regret can be triggered by something we did or didn’t do. We may be clinging to memories of something bad that happened to us or to regret over some action we took. Actions do have consequences.
Some may see regret is a good thing up to a point. It can help us learn from our past actions that caused ourselves and others harm. It can be a springboard to future restraint, but then we must let it go, because regret can turn into strong aversion and judgmental mind-states that will do much harm. Regret is worry over the past, and the past is shadow that is wasted mental energy.
It’s through seeing the consequence of our harmful actions that we can be released from them. Instead of being sensitive to the actual feeling, we think about the cause of our problems. From there we exercise restraint and control ourselves. Set our motivation clear before we act and this may help us from making a wrong decision or action.
I believe we have done many things that causes us to regrets but most important is what and how are we going to deal with it and move on.
A person who live a life with regrets is basically suffer tremendously. Some people regret for the rest of his life. emotionally they live in the past. Many things can be repaired hence why wasting time on “regret”? Simply regret does not bring us any where or improve the situation. Regret is not a punishment. Repair what we damaged. Accept our fault, dedicate prayer, promise not to do it again and mean it and change for better.
If we can live a life as if we going to die the next day, I think all of us will carefully choose what we love to do today and give it to the best so that we will have no regret. Hence we must always have awareness on whatever we wanted to react to.
Dear friends,
This meme is powerful. Who you hang around with and the types of attitude they have is who you will be influenced by many times and who you will become in the future. Look at your friends and the people that always surround you to know who you will become.
Tsem Rinpoche
Marilyn Monroe once said “Fear is stupid. So are regrets.” Unfortunately, many people are trapped in constant fear and regrets. Leading life without clarity. While we are confined by the many worldly elements to “survive,” we can still attempt to lead a life without regrets. Because, to me, the worst regrets come from causing emotional hurt and pain onto others, playing mind games and causing damage that breaks the relationship between 2 persons, e.g., it Samaya, couple, parent, and child, etc. Hence, we should be mindful of our speech, mainly and actions to avoid regrets later on. The scars are hard to heal and wound runs deep.
“What you are today is the choice you made yesterday”. I love this quote. Thanks Tsem Rinpoche for this sharing.
Regrets no just opening a new chapter for my life. Thanks for Datuk May this wonderful experience. Regrets is just not one of the end of the world not about suicide not about taking drugs not about tensions disorder and etc. Is for me about a brand new day arising. A New Day Has Come>>>> on and on and on.
Thank you Datuk May. Regret or Remorse is one of the 4 opponent powers, without sincere regret/remorse then doing any form of purification practices will not yield the result we hope for.
Regrets, I think living life without regrets is a life that most can only dream of. Still it is a life worthy of living.
Hi Datuk May,
Thank you for sharing this article.
Before I was exposed to the dharma, I regret over many things and kept harping on it.
After I accepted the fact of cause and effect I live better with it.
Whenever I regret over something I will also repent and tell myself not to repeat the same mistake again.
I do have regrets over the times but ever since I let go all ,I felt much lighter, happier,
been able to concentrate on things which will benefit others. Learned from mistakes, experience and regrets , to move on to the next chapter in life. .I keep reminding myself not to repeat and never regrets for what the actions or things done ,trying to improve and learn something new along the path. I always like to read beautiful and meaningful quotes to remind myself. Since joining Kechara,I have learned more knowledge ,understands better in life and to thank our Guru for what I have learned and still learning (Life’s true gift lies in your freedom to design it beautifully. With each rise of the sun, you get to chase the opportunity to fill your days with meaning—to live your life the way you choose)…quoted
Thank you Dauk May for sharing these beautiful teachings with us.
Thank you Datuk May for this sharing. Regret, I do have and I will keep reminding myself not to repeat same mistakes. You have pointed it correctly that many live in denial of their wrongdoing and pretend it never happened or probably swept it under the carpet. Accepting truth is not easy and here we need to transform and let go of our negative habits. It is not easy for me to change too but I thankfully now as I learn dharma, I am more open to change and accept my own weakness.
Dear Datuk May,
Wonderful sharing and concise.
This article made me reflect back on some major actions that I have done previously and regretfully, I have regretted a lot of actions which were done or acted upon others mainly out of my deluded mind and selfishness.
Thank you for these wonderful words of wisdom and the reminder from our Guru the need to control and tame our minds.
Thank you
Lum Kok Luen
Dear Kok Luen,
You are correct how much Rinpoche will remind to stay steadfastly on our spiritual path. Thank you for sharing.
Regards: Datuk May
Thank you very much, Datuk May for this very profound sharing. I find that I have a lot to learn from you and Rinpoche, and that is “Wisdom”. And I am very thankful for that. I’m still quite an old dog trying to learn new tricks, and again that is “Wisdom” ….Lol!!!
I can’t say that I have never made any stupid mistakes in my entire life, but I’m trying my best to be more mindful and avoid repeating it. We learn from mistakes and past experience and try to improve ourselves the best we can. I’m not perfect and nobody is perfect. We have to learn and accept the fact that not everyone can leave their ego on the shore. We also learn to let go from what was done to us, and hopefully can help the other person to learn and let go too. With Dharma from our perfect Guru,Tsem Rinpoche and his wonderful wisdom quotes helps to bring light into our minds.
Thank you once again ,Datuk May for your great write up and do keep well. ?
Dear Anne,
As long as an old dog is willing to learn, we will go along our way to be a better people. Some aspects take longer and some faster. At the end our Guru’s teachings are the beacon to our spiritual path.
Regards,
Datuk May