5 Ways You Can Support Your Dying Parent
Dear friends,
This article is very practical and helpful. I respectfully reproduced it here solely with the intent it will benefit others. I thank Ms. Patricia Seeley for her compassionate work and her writings. She makes the most important passage in our lives more easier to deal with for the ordinary lay person. Both the dying and those who are witness to this, our state of mind is the most important. Therefore very important to develop this now while we have the chance. Thank you.
Tsem Rinpoche
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5 Ways You Can Support Your Dying Parent
By Patricia Seeley, M.S,
Director, The Center of Awareness
Death is a subject most people do not like to hear about, think about or talk about. It seems to be a scary unreality of sorts. Yet before we face our own death, most likely we will face the deaths of our friends and / or family first. When these deaths are unexpected, dealing with them seems that much harder. Why – because we are not prepared.
We live in a constant state of fear and denial about death, so when it happens we are unable to really appreciate what the experience has to offer. After all, death makes life possible and if there was no death – none of us would be here. That in itself makes me give a lot of respect to the dying process.
Death and dying can be a time of deepening of our love and faith and a recommitment to the spiritual beliefs and practices that are useful in guiding us along the way. Death is the only doorway that can help us gain insight into the true nature of all things.
Recently my Mother passed away and as I look back on the experience of her decline into illness and dementia, I can honestly say that I am grateful to have had the opportunity to care for her and witness her final days on this Earth. Of course there was a lot of emotional pain for both of us – including regrets – and for me the jolting realization of my own mortality seemingly not too far in the distant future.
There are two unhealthy attitudes most people have towards death. One is to be frightened because there is the belief that we do not exist after this life. The other is a more flippant or even sarcastic attitude about death – as if it will be easy to handle when it arrives.
My Mom was more frightened of death than flippant about it. She did not want to talk about death and seemed to avoid it at all times. As a child I remember burying family pets, relatives, and people we knew at church but I do not remember Mom ever talking to me about what was going on or asking how I felt.
It was an interesting paradox for me that her unwillingness to confront death led me to question it and think about it every day of my life from the time I was a little girl in elementary school. Even now, as an adult in mid-life, I think about death every single day. This intense focus on death and dying is probably not normal, but it also has made me very dedicated to my spirituality and to living my life on purpose.
When I moved Mom closer to where I lived in February 2014, I had no idea what to expect. I always thought I was pretty spiritually savvy and could handle most things. After all, no one knows what the dying process is like in the same way we do not remember what the birth process was like. Although I do give myself credit for dealing capably with Mom’s needs on a daily basis, I now see in retrospect that I want things done a little differently when I am leaving this Earth. Maybe what I learned will help you with your Mother or Father’s passing. I think that opening our awareness to what is possible so that our choices and actions may be more conscious when we need them to be is very important in the dying process.
Although Mom kept her thoughts and feelings to herself, there were times during her dying process that I wanted to coax some of these feelings out of her. After growing up with her and learning about her childhood and some of her adult experiences (losing my brother to drugs and alcohol and my father’s early unexpected death) I could see that these were things she still felt pain about.
I felt pretty certain she would be “healed” if she could just get it all out before she took her last breath. On a few rare occasions when she was in one of her unusual mind experiences, she’d say things like, “I know I made mistakes…” Or “There were things I did not do right…” But she never would go further than that.
When she became completely dependent on caregivers for her activities of daily living, she would get very upset that she “could not do for herself.” Having had previous experience caring for her mother, my grandmother, I knew not to make her feel guilty about this. No one wants to be a burden to anyone else. “It’s ok Mom,” I would say. “These things just happen.” And I know that gave her some comfort.
Unfortunately, I was wrong on those days when I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to get her to talk about her feelings about dying. My boyfriend at the time told me that I had to get her to talk about death because “it would be good for her.” So at times I did urge her and encourage her and push her to talk. But it was not the right thing to do.
Lesson #1: What “should” be done or said in the final days and hours of a parent’s death is very subjective. Your parent gets to decide what is to be said or left unsaid. If during the dying process, your parent is given the opportunity to talk but they do not want to talk – continuing to urge or encourage them to open up is not the right thing to do. Back off – do not make things worse than they have to be.
The great classic, “The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying” says that the most important thing we can do is be there with the person as they are going through the dying process. Upsetting them is not wise.
Towards the very end, Mom said a few times that she “knew she had to leave here” but that was as close as she got to admitting she was dying. She never once used the “D” word and neither did I.
When people are flippant or sarcastic about death, especially their own death, it is a sign of fear. Soygal Rinpoche quotes a Tibetan master who said that is a rare person who is not afraid (at least a little) of dying.
If possible, research now as much as you can on the topic of dying and death. Include your significant other, spouse, and / or children in the process. As you learn more, it will be confirmed for you that preparing for death is one of the most important things you can do in life. When we study death, we learn what is really important in life. Being kind and loving to others and being honest and unselfish will help us live a better life so that we do not experience regret that we did not do these things when we had the time.
Lesson #2: Learn about the grief process and the stages of dying. In the Tibetan tradition of Buddhism, there is a clear and detailed explanation of the process of dying, which involves eight stages. Four of these stages correspond to the gradual dissolution of the four elements of our bodies (earth, water, fire, and air). When my Mom’s decline began, it started with her body. She became weaker and required assistance first with talking then with hygiene and other activities of daily living. Then the mind began to get a little forgetful. In the process of these changes, emotions also rang louder. She would get angry that something was happening to her that she could not control. She would get angry at me for “being so nice to her.” “Aren’t you mad that you have to take care of me?” she would snap. And the truth is, I was not mad. She could not help what was happening to her so how could I be mad at her? This was the woman whose body I had come out of!!! The woman who had carried me into the world. So, even as Mom sat in front of me in a dazed state, with wrinkles on her skin, swollen legs, and bent fingers, I saw her as beautiful. I did not see an old woman going through a difficult time. I saw pure love. I felt pure love.
When a child is born, it is born of pure love. Yet, that child is also completely dependent upon another person to take care of it for many years. Being an older person who is unable to care for him/herself is the very same thing. I have heard people say they feel sorry for older people whose lives are over because they have nothing left to do and nothing to look forward to. Yet I have never heard one person say they feel sorry for a newborn baby because that baby needs someone to take care of it.
Lesson #3: Realize that being an older person who needs help is the same as being a newborn who needs help. Be as patient, kind and loving to your dying parent as you would your new born child.
When a parent is dying, one of the most important things we can do is to try to understand what their needs are and do what we can to take care of these needs. Parents can often verbalize this while babies cannot.
Doing what your parent wants often requires an act of selflessness – putting aside our needs and feelings so that we can be fully present for our loved one. Whatever has to be done – whatever will make them more comfortable – is always the right thing to do. And this does not have to be hard IF you have taken the time to work on your own emotions first.
During the dying process, people can slip in and out of very strong emotions such as fear, regret, sadness, anger, and clinging to things that once gave them security. It is especially difficult for people who have not done the necessary work, to manage their emotions effectively at this time of transition. Often feelings of overwhelm are strongest. How will you be able to help someone else manage these emotions if you cannot manage your own?
Lesson #4: Meet the person who is dying exactly where they are. Do not expect them to change during the dying process – it is too late. It is also important to remember that it is not appropriate for us to get hysterical, cry, or show other strong emotions in their presence. Take breaks and leave the room when you need to – go outside for fresh air, talk to someone, or work with a hospice chaplain to get your own issues sorted out. If you express upset emotions in the presence of your parent, it will undoubtedly make him or her feel much worse.
Do what you can to provide positive and caring support at all times. I remember with my own Mother, as she began to slip away, I held her hand tightly and asked her if she saw any angels. She often said “yes” and she told me they had their arms outreached to her. I reminded her that they were there to help her to the next place; that she was doing good; and there was nothing to be frightened of. I know Mom heard me because when I said these things, her grip on my hand increased ever so slightly. She was past the speaking stage, but I know she heard me and what I said hopefully made a difference.
As you get older and more people you know begin to depart from this world, you will realize that looking after them is the best preparation for your own death.
Lesson #5: Holding a space of light and love for your parent so that the transition is less difficult is what we are supposed to do. It’s not as hard as you might think it is. The way to make it less difficult is to focus on being a calming influence on the other person. Say prayers, read poems, light a candle or meditate – these are all good things that will calm your monkey mind and help you be as relaxed and supportive as possible with the few precious moments you have left with your parent.
The death of my beloved Mother was no doubt the most significant experience of my lifetime and I feel blessed to have shared this with her. I wish the same for you.
About Patricia Seeley
Patricia works with seniors of all ages at one of the largest Retirement Communities in Northern California and is also the Educational Director of The Center of Awareness. She has also worked as a Hospice Chaplain and regularly gives presentations and workshops on managing chronic health conditions, successfully navigating the challenges of mid-life and conscious aging. She is passionate about lifelong learning and believes that staying interested in exercise, current events and hobbies is the best way to stay emotionally, mentally and physically healthy. She is a writer specializing in wellness for all ages and has been published in more than 100 newspapers and magazines.
Source: http://consciouslifenews.com/5-dying-parent/1188896/
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Profound teachings and explanation of how to support our dying parents . At least now we can do our very best and have the knowledge to handle such situation. Even both my parents are not around , I am glad to learn some from here to help up in relatives or someone whom I knew hours before their death.
Families often use this time to share feelings and perspectives that do not often have the opportunity to be heard. Spending some time at the bedside of the dying is worthwhile. Learning Dharma have helped me to face the moment of death. Life is a process of learning not just about life lessons, but also about dying.
And being as present as we can with our loved ones when they dying is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.
Thank you Rinpoche for this sharing.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing with us this article about how to care for our parents when they are dying. This is especially useful when our parents don’t know anything about Buddhism and are not prepared for their death. In general, talking about death is a taboo, not many people want to talk about it and refuse to talk about it.
When we are born, we are actually here to prepare for our death. We are not here to enjoy life or to suffer and complain about how tough life is. We are here to live our life in the right way and gain enough wisdom to know what is good and what is bad to us.
Knowing we are the one creating what we want and how we are, we have to take charge of our own life and make the right choice. I agree with the author, “Being kind and loving to others and being honest and unselfish will help us live a better life so that we do not experience regret that we did not do these things when we had the time.” Start to be kind and loving today because this is how we can find real happiness.
Since knowing dharma, dealth has becoming the subject we can’t denice it will come soon or later. Better keep our focus to change our habitualation, control our emotion to face dealth coming. When you take refuge whole heartedly, your will able overcoming fear to you. Is good we can do dealth meditation time to time to prepare when dealth coming.
In last night discussion witch my dharma siblings, many showed regret because they didn’t spent enough time with their parents due to their personal problems. Some due to the sudden death of their parents they lost the chance to even say goodbye. So those who’s parents still around, no matter they are old or still young, be with them, make them happy and comfortable, at least let them know you love them. Practicing Dharma is a way to repay their kindness.
We Buddhist mediate on death. May be its hard for our parents to do that but bring Dharma to them, take them to have pilgrimage in KFR, teach them to chant mantras, even better if they can do dharma work. many many ways to let them collect merits and lead them to have a meaningful life.
The best gift in life is Dharma. Preparing them right now not when they start showing the dying sign because that would be too late.
It’s not necessary & extremely important not to wait for too long to do something if it’s really matter to anyone of us.
Nothing is permanent, anything can happen in a sudden. Karma do not need to inform us when does he wanna come.
I’m grateful that I’ve been learning Dharma via Kechara & I’m able to share to both of my parents & family members & apply to daily life. Life just got so much relief after knowing Dharma.
P.S. photo taken @ Wisdom Hall, Kechara Forest Retreat, Bentong, Pahang.
It is nice that people was so kind to share his/her experience to let others to learn. Indeed this is a good article for those who actually does not know what to do when facing the dying parents. My personal thought is when you parents are still living, guide them to have spiritual practice, if they are already on the journey of spiritual practice , support them unconditionally. At the end, spiritual practice can help them to be more easily accept death. As a Buddhist, when they are really in Dharma, they will knows that they need to preparing for death because death has no time. That is how Dharma will make them no fear to face death and do purification practice for the mistake done.
Interesting topic actually. I agree totally to the points in particularly the first one where we should allow the unsaid to be mentioned, basically help to smoothen the transition to help them to open up and be open about it. Everyone dies and we should be ready for it and yes it is ok to be sad but what we can do more for our parents especially when they are going to die. Parents have brought us up to whom we are today and we should repay their kindness, think of this way as a way to repay their kindness at the very least.
Everybody will face death one day. Either to face people close to us dying or we ourselves dying. It is scary, only when we don’t know how death is and don’t understand the process. Only through Dharma that teaches us the process of death, to meditate about death and always be prepared to face death one day. We don’t know when does the day come, but when it comes, we are always prepared. We can also dedicate Puja to our dying parents, introduce Dorje Shugden to them, so that they can have peace of mind when dying.
It is quite hard to accept someone close to us dying but we still have to embrace it no matter what. But with Dharma, we can apply what we learn to help the dying person as much as we can before they actually passes away.
Thinking back the old time me, death is a deep fear, like losing yourself or something and getting stuck at nowhere. I easily got emotional feel, hence I dare not attend any visitations or funeral.
Right now, I think things have changed. As we growing more matured, we will have deeper thought, especially when we engaged into spirituality. I’m glad I found the right path into Buddhism. Rinpoche had taught us to do our sadhana daily with visualization of our parents at our side. I think, that was the best dedication and prayers to my parents.
Death is definitely not your everyday topic whereby people openly want to talk about. For the Chinese, it’s a taboo. It’s bad luck to talk about it as it might come true. Before learning about Buddhism, I thought of the same. It brings fear and unhappy thoughts.
“Be as patient, kind and loving to your dying parent as you would your new born child.” This is so true! I realized that my parents need a lot of them lately. A great way for me to practice as well. Another way of helping our parents is prayers. Do lots of prayers and light lots of candles dedicated to them to generate merits for better rebirth and to practice in the future.
When I first commented on this article, my mother was still alive and living in Perth, Australia. Since then, my mother has passed away in 2016. In one way, I was still a little frustrated that she was so far away from me being in Malaysia, but I had accepted that it is so and that she chose to live in Perth even after the death of my father as she preferred to be nearer to my brother, her son. Such was the wish of most ladies of her generation.
Having learnt and studied the Dharma, I was glad that I introduced my mother to Protector Dorje Shugden and since then, she was always calm when she held the DS tsa tse in her hands. Being unable to serve nor look after her most of the time, except for short visits to Perth, I had pujas dedicated to her to be calm and be ok with letting go of any regrets which she might have.
Honestly speaking, these little deeds which I did for my mother helped me quite a bit when she passed on. It also helped me a lot when I had the undertakers place DS holy pills and water while preparing her body for burial.
One can never completely be without regrets on the passing of one’s parents, but praying for her good rebirth and dedicating merits of virtuous works to them works for me as a buddhist.
Definitely passing away of one’s parents will propel us to think about our own death and it is advisable for us to live with purpose and selflessness in order to die with less fear for losing a life well lived.
Thank you for this article
my Mama died today. I’m inconsolable
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for sharing this touching article by Patricia. I was deeply touched by the way she describe how she handled her mother’s death and the little conversation she had with her dying mother. To come face to face with death is not easy especially with the person who is dying. With all those fears of uncertainly and attachments, it is almost impossible to have a peaceful mind. Hence, we have to provide our dying parents with utmost care and love for them to have a peaceful and happy mind during their remaining days. If they passed away with a troubled mind, it is not a good news in Buddhism. We believe that a person died with a troubled mind will less likely to have a good rebirth.
This article also shows me an interesting angle to look at the dying parent’s mind. Sometimes, we tend to overlook their feelings due to their impaired ability to express themselves accurately during their last days. The five ways to help our dying parents mentioned above is very useful, however it is still missing something important. Introducing them to dharma or sharing dharma with them during the last days are extremely important for them. Dharma is the only thing that can help them when they pass away and entered into the bardo stage. A person died without getting any dharma is very sad and it was said to be the same as a stray dog died in an alley.
Humbly,
Chris
It is important to live well and die even better. Not many people would like to dwell on thoughts of their death and decay. Losing control or not being able to do the things one normally could is scary. I suppose it is very hard in cultures that people don’t openly discuss about death and our final moments. It is hard for the people of nowadays who are distracted by so many things and entertainment to lend much thought to the idea that one day they will also expire. Truth be told anything is born will have to die eventually. A very good article to think about.
Most of us are afraid of death and most of the time we avoid talking about death hoping that it will not happen to us. However, we should prepare for death so that we have less or no regrets at that time and
face it with courage and acceptance.
“Death and dying can be a time of deepening of our love and faith and a recommitment to the spiritual beliefs and practices that are useful in guiding us along the way. Death is the only doorway that can help us gain insight into the true nature of all things”. – Our mind and body are two different entities. Our body will decay and we will leave our body. But if we train our mind now and understand the dying process and that death can happen anytime, we will appreciate our life better and use this precious human life to practice the dharma and prepare our self for death before it’s too late.
Thank you, Rinpoche, for sharing this article written by Patricia Seeley. I hope that when my time comes, I am able to cope with it.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing the article. There’s no best time to read any writing on death and preparing to death, just as we need to contemplate on death all the time.
However, by seeing the title of the article I was “avoiding”it when Rinpoche first shared it. I read it during the last Saturday’s blog chat session. This is a practical, easy to understand and speaking from personal experience article on dying, helping dying parent/kins/friends.
The author Patricia Seeley wrote it in a way that’s easy to read. Readers do not feel any “distance” to the writing- she is not talking from a higher point of view, instead she put herself as an ordinary human being – a daughter, not a professional hospice chaplain – and talk from experience without avoiding her regret or actions she could do better. Therefore it makes reader like me easy to understand, and even adopt any strategy to people around us – parents or kins or friends.
With these practical and personal experience of her, plus our Buddhism knowledge in “dealing” with death, I believe most of us can provide real help to our dying kins, friends and not forgetting a good lessons and preparation for ourselves to prepare to face the death.
It is a well-known fact that, death is certain, but time of death is uncertain. No one can help you at the time of death. One must die alone. Friends and relatives cannot help you at that time. No matter how much they may wish to protect you from sufferings – the sufferings associated with your death is experienced by you alone. The largest entourage cannot delay your departure from this life, no matter how many petitions they sign. Even if they all took hold of your arms and legs, they cannot hold you back from death, and not anyone of them could go with you. They can do nothing to assist you during and after death. The only thing which can help at that time, and which can also benefit your next life, is your accumulation of merit and wisdom gathered through the practice of Dharma. Only your love, compassion, wisdom and positive Karma can go with you through death and into the next life as your protection, guide and source of happiness and good conditions. Helping the dying: When helping dying people who have not trained in these tantric meditations, it is said that, there is no point in trying to guide them throgh such meditations at that point of time of their dying. Without prior proper training, they could not possibly succeed. Otherwise, it would be far more useful to “encourage” them to generate good thought such as deep faith in Lord Buddha or their spiritual masters, love and compassion for all living beings and so forth. This would be truly beneficial to them at the time of death. At the same time, we must at all cost avoid doing anything to irritate them, or make them feel angersome, as dying in a state of anger or iritation could easily lead to a rebirth in Hell, as cautioned by high Lamas. Our main role is to inspire positive thoughts in them such as good faith, love and compassion in order to generate a good rebirth. This makes an important part of preparation work for purification of negative karma in the final realisation. Om Mani Padme Hung.
After reading this… I feel even more grateful that in Buddhism we actually talk, learn, study, meditate and try our best in practising or visualising the death process. After reading how beautifully Patricia had the opportunity to care for her dying mother, I wished I knew better or knew Tibetan Buddhism at that time and read the dying process, I would have been able to handle the death of my parents a whole lot better. Anyway I am glad I got to know Buddhism and learn about this dying process to at least try to prepare my own self for this ultimate day. One thing’s for sure, it helps you refocus and re-evaluate what’s truly important in life and the purpose why you are here, why I am here. Definitely it is more than just to earn some money, have a good job, get married, have kids, go for holidays, and then what? Still we’ll grow to be wrinkly old bat waiting on our death beds… hopefully with few regrets and attachments. Yes understanding death one certainly learns to respect and appreciate life better. Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this post on the practical things one can do for the dying.
We brought with us the idea of immortality of our body life after life, thinking that we live forever. The fact is that all of us will die and that is the nature cycle of lives. For us to live our lives to the fullest, we ought to understand the meaning of it and how to make it worthwhile while working towards a peaceful end.
All religions, spiritual practises offered different explanation of what happened at the end of our lives so to encourage us to do good while living. Generally speaking, in order for one to reach heaven, to go to a good place etc. one is encouraged to do good. Contrary to that, one will be going to hell or bad places.
In Tibetan Buddhism, there is a lot of emphasis on cause and effect, the precious human life, buddhahood etc. The whole purpose of having this precious human body is for us to practise towards buddhahood which include the practise on death.
In life, there are many events that require us to be prepared so that we know what to expect and if anything goes wrong, we are prepared to deal with it. Why not then be prepared for death? Unlike all the events in our life, death will only happened once, so it will be logical and wise for sure to be prepared!
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this wonderful post. Death is a very fearful events for everyone the problem is even though is so fearful but most people do not prepare for it what more the death of our own parents, I feel great because now I have the dharma and all the advice that Rinpoche has giving to us so I think now is the practice that we need to train our mind to get ready for this big day as well as our own parents death, whatever the writer share is very true we should comfort them during this very last moment in their life we should said positive thing to comfort them and to help them so that hopefully they can take a higher rebirth.
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for sharing this post; it gives e a clearer view on what we must all do in order to give our parents a happy farewell when the time comes, no matter when. No matter what we do, we will always do something we will regret, so that’s is why we must create the awareness to find these regretful actions and how we create them and learn to not do them.
Hopefully, ever since coming to learn all these buddhist teachings that you have provided for me, I am learning to improve myself, and be kinder and more understanding to everyone I meet and especially my siblings and relatives. Thank you, Rinpoche.
Your humble student,
Keng Hwa.
It is so true that we often don’t spend enough time thinking of our death, let alone preparing for it. It’s like we’re fooling ourselves that we are immortals. There is really no escape and the day will come for all of us.
I believe when we familiarize ourselves with the dying process, our fears slowly melt away and we will reorganize our priorities and focus on what really matters when we leave this existence.
As Rinpoche taught last night, developing the mind is the most important as our bodies will fade and betray us at the end of the day.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this article. Death always give me the fear and dealing with it has not been easy. With Rinpoche’s teachings, I have learnt to accept with death and cope with the dying process of my relatives and loved ones.
With folded hands
Leonard Ooi(Kechara Penang)
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this important article written by Patricia Seeley. By learning from someone’s useful experience on handling dying parent, it can significantly make us realize the preciousness of looking after our parents during their old age, especially at their dying moments. Time do not wait for us. Time will not make its U-turn. We can help our parents to go through their dying process the most. We have to guide them and lead them through the spiritual practice we have learnt and practice.
Everyone is afraid of death as we do not know where we are heading to after our death. “Death and dying can be a time of deepening of our love and faith and a recommitment to the spiritual beliefs and practices that are useful in guiding us along the way. Death is the only doorway that can help us gain insight into the true nature of all things.” This two statements can open up our mind to be more focus, alert and mindful to practice Dharma and help those around us through the Dharma way as we do not wish all our loved ones to fall into 3 lower realms after death. Death is unavoidable and each of us will have to meet our death whether we like it or not.
Thank you Rinpoche for guiding us all the times.
With folded hands,
kin hoe
死亡是我们每个人在此生唯一的忧心，逃避不了，而且还要勇于面对的一环。
在我还没有深入了解佛法之前，我真的对“死亡”没有一点的心理准备。不过，很感恩的是，我今天还活着而且接触了克切拉后，得到上师仁波切在网上面子书和博文上的分享与教诲，让我对死亡有所了解。
除此，我还将我所学到的“死亡的过程”与“念死”等等，分享予我母亲。毕竟，她年纪也大了，也是时候要让他们做好心理准备。
其实，我母亲一开始也像 Patricia Seeley 所提到的很多人不喜欢和很避忌谈关于死亡的一切。但是，我时常都会趁大家聊天时后，都会不时的提起。自然而然，她老人家也开始习惯了。只不过，还需要时间去学习怎样“念死”和当死亡来临时，要做些什么。
感谢仁波切这篇博文，提醒了我必须努力要记得当身边的人遇到了这一切，我应该要做些什么。还有最重要的是，尽然我们在死亡那一刻是不能挽留与带不走一切，那么我们还需要去挣扎的争取不属于自己的东西吗？？？
Thank you Rinpoche for this article. I wouldn’t know whether I can handle the dying process but after attending and listening to your teachings, as mentioned we should start contemplating and on it daily.
It is through Kechara, I have learned that we need to be spiritually and mentally ready to accept death.
With folded hands,
Thank you Rinpoche
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing the notes, very powerful. It is also keep oneself ready in mentally and spiritually, when facing such. It is very easy for me to express here, but when the times come,I hope I can reflect and utilize the pointers as stated.
OM BENZA WIKI BITANA SOHA _/|\_
This article touched me as I’ve went through the death of my grandmother. I miss her.
I remembered family members & relatives trying to force convert her to Christianity at deathbed and scaring her which I knew could disturb her mind.
It was so not right.
It disturbed me a little as I observed what was happening.
The least I could do was to slip headphones over her head and secretly played youtube Medicine Buddha and Tara mantras repeatedly looping for her; hoping to calm her mind and I could see her face relaxed and at peace. I simply just told others I was playing some piano/meditation music.
Its sometimes difficult to appease many relatives/family members of different faiths and beliefs which gathers around. A lot of times, things have to be done tactfully and carefully to avoid arguments, disrespect or unnecessary expounding of ones personal beliefs.
Death is like sleeping. Where we wake up in the 6 realms depends on the final moments at the time of our death.
One can have achieve the perfect state of mind of awareness, perhaps blissfulness in the middle of their lives, but it is of no use if at their final moments their minds are disturbed, all their efforts will be wasted.
The culmination of everything depends at that Final state of mind. The last breath.
Thank you Rinpoche for this beautiful article.
With folded hands.
Dear Rinpoche,
This is very good reminder and advice for us to do the preparation . I will keep in my mind for doing the best when I facing this moment.
I am so lucky to have this chance to read and understand this article. Thank you so much Rinpoche for sharing this article.
Humbly With folded hand _/\_
Aw wei ling
Having a 96 year old mother, this is an article worth reading and cultivate the patience for her. I like the comparison on how we are so in awe with the inabilities of a new born baby and the patience to care for him/her till they learn and that it is similar to an old parent who is dying. This is something many do not relate nor realise.
My regret is that my mother is far away from me, and whenever I visit her in Perth the same regret and frustration would arise that she did not come back to Malaysia to stay with me after my father’s passing.
Such regret will definitely not settle my personal emotions when I am with her. For now as long as I am away from her I shall dedicate my prayers for her to be happy and when I am with her, I will remember what I have read in this article and enjoy every precious moment to make her comfortable.
Thank you Rinpoche for this article.
This advice came too late for me to do for my dad but I will keep in mind for other relatives (e.g. my mom) whom may take an earlier leave then me from this world.
I wish my daddy well in wherever he may be and will be praying for his good rebirth life after life to be close to Buddha’s teaching.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this advice with us. It is a powerful reminder that my mom will leave me eventually.
Humbly with folded palms.
Stella
As I read this post again, one point stood out to me; we should not expect the person in the dying process to change (it’s rather late), but we should envelope the person with as much positive-ness as possible, so that the person will not feel any worse than he/she is feeling already.
Thank You Rinpoche for this helpful post.
with folded palms, humbly,
Stella
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you so much for this sharing. I can relate to this sharing very, wery well and what Patricia shared is so lovely.
Having gone through the recent demise of my mother in March this year. every single line in the article above is so, so true.
Of course, there are a lot of regrets and actions that I SHOULD HAVE DONE, but did not do. As I recollect those moments, tears are coming down my eyes.
I am now very determined to observe and take this as a learning experience to manage the best I can for my surviving father. I have also shared this with my spouse and we are definitely on our journey to prepare for our parents’, close relatives and our own death, which is inevitable.
I am also very thankful and rejoice that I have come to Dharma through Kechara and this has certainly impacted all of my family’s lives – FOR THE BETTER.
Yours humbly,
_/\_
Lum Kok Luen
Death and dying are 2 things that are not easy to deal with. Having had a few people I hold dear passing away, one thought that I had was how do I make the dying process a good one for the person who is dying. This went unanswered until this post. I thank Rinpoche for this post as this will help me face death and dying process of the people around me better. With folded hands.