7 ways to ignore insults
7 Ways to ignore insults
As a person with sensitivity, a blogger, and also a human, I receive much opinions and feedback from others. Some are very nice, honest, deep and some seem like personal attacks. Well in life, the reality is there are just some people who have their own issues and instead of dealing with them, they like to hurl attacks on others. They think that by giving pain to others, they rid themselves of their own pain, but to the contrary it does not. They actually ‘enjoy’ being not nice and hurting others purposely. I guess that is their space at the moment. It would be ok if they stay in their own space, but it’s when they come to yours you have to deal with it.
So other people’s behaviour should not disturb our goals, passion and equilibrium. We can refuse their negativities in this way:
1. What is the truth?
Contemplate what was said about you. Even if unpleasant. Is it constructive? Is there any grain of truth in what they said. Ignore how they said it. Be honest and think about what they said. In the end, if you apply it, will it benefit you? If it will, turn it around and make changes in yourself instead of fighting their words and them. If you make the changes within yourself, then no more attacks of this nature. If their words were meant to hurt you and it has no truth in it, then take it as self improvement and move on. Realize they are who they are and you don’t have to feed into it. Criticism from positive and negative sources can be fuel for self reflection leading to improvement. Take it as that. Nothing in life is easy or idyllic.
2. The source
Does this person deserve to be understood and your time? Are they jealous of you? Cannot accept your success? Cannot accept your kind disposition? Does not like the way you do things? What is the source of their hurtful words? Take a moment to assess why this person is doing what they are doing. You can’t psycho-analyze everyone but this one is on your front doorstep. If you can understand why this person is so negative towards you, it will help you to let go. Maybe they had been hurt or something really horrible happened in their lives and took it out on you from convenience. Maybe it was not about you. Maybe you triggered their hidden emotional baggage accidentally. Maybe you had offended them unknowingly and apology is due. Maybe their philosophy is different, but you are entitled to your own. Knowing why helps. If you cannot find out why, then move on.
3. Accept yourself and be better
Whatever we think of ourselves will become expression (words, etc.). Words become action. Action become results. So our thoughts about ourselves are a priority. If we always say we cannot, could not and/or avoid, then that is the message we send to ourselves which will fruition into results or the lack of it. Which means we are nowhere or we limited ourselves. If we always have self esteem that is low, then work hard, get success, stand up straight, don’t take defeat and through these methods build our self esteem. Self esteem is built from hard work and success. Big successes come from small everyday successes. Be on time. Keep your promises. Do your work without mistakes. Make everyone around you happy. Build integrity at all costs. Be kind. These methods will make you feel good about yourself and when you feel good then when others criticize to hurt you, it has no effect. Because you know it’s not true. Love yourself by achieving. Start with I can, will and achieve. This will translate into words, action then results. Be kind to yourself and love yourself the right way by results then insults become empty words that hardly ever irk you. You know where you are now, don’t be angry and realize it can improve. Accepting yourself doesn’t mean being stagnant. Know where you are, and target where you want to be and move towards it.
4. Talk to your support
If you have been kind, then you should have friends or people you go to for support. Support doesn’t mean draining them with your “poor me” stories. Pity parties are terrifically out of style and never going to be in vogue again for you. So abandon any pity party faces, body language and tactics. Easy way to let go and empty out the hurtful is with someone you like and trust. Share with them and let it out. Once it’s out, then you should be lighter. Mind you this is only part of the solution.
5. Reward yourself
Watch a movie. I love horror. Go shopping. Read a book, do some meditation, go for a walk, eat something you like (nevermind the diet for today!), watch a good Youtube documentary, solve someone else’s problem, contribute to a charity, or just have ice cream. Be good to yourself and have fun. Let it go. Enjoy. They don’t control you. You control you. You are allowed to be happy. You don’t need their approval. Their words are about themselves projected onto you perhaps.
6. What is important?
Remember what is your goals and what is important to you. Remember what matter at the end of the day, and are you going to let some criticism derail your goals and what matters? Look at your parents, teachers, mentors, pets, friends, children, and things that matter to you. Don’t give these people who are nasty any importance at all. Give what is important importance and move on!! If you don’t move on, the nasties win!! Remember your promises and words of honour. Remember your goals.
7. Be in charge of yourself
You know, you don’t have to accept any ‘gifts’ people give you that you don’t want. Especially if it is something that was meant to hurt you. Granted, easier said than done. When they leave the nasty package at your door and you open it, there it is and what can you do? Without your permission, people can still make you feel bad. That is the truth no matter what the old adage is. If you are carrying guilt, emotional baggage, and holding on, then when they say something close to home, it can hurt you.
So you have to go to a deeper truth. That is, you are affected because they said something close to home or something that was true that you avoided to deal with. You have to deal with yourself. You have to overcome yourself and your baggage. Because you can’t avoid what others see or think. Some may see the truth in you and some may not, but the point is, is there something in you unpleasant for them to see? You can’t avoid everyone. If you let go of your baggage, if you improve, then there is nothing to be criticized anymore. You have to empower yourself and reclaim yourself the right way. You can meet 300 persons and everyone will have an opinion of you. Some opinions may be true and some are not. But you will get 300 opinions of you. But your opinion of yourself is most important based on truth. Based on your hardwork on yourself.
Letting go of hurtful words and criticisms is possible although hard. With time, easier. Practice makes perfect. Accepting constructive criticisms are part and parcel. Let go of our baggage, fears and hiding. Open ourselves to bigger and better things. Let the radiance of wonderful people fill us up as we fill them up. If we do this, then criticisms won’t bother us much anymore.
Tsem Rinpoche
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Inspiring reading this beautiful post were there is a lot to learn. Let’s face it. No matter who we are, at some point, we will feel insulted by the remarks of others. Silence is the best solution. The only way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If we do feel like there’s any truth in the insult, make the decision to only take the information that’s helpful to our growth. Then, ignore the rest. Keep calm and control the anger in ourselves. Its our choice whether or not to take it, laugh it off and keep it moving. Quickly forgive and move on.
Thank you Rinpoche for this profound teachings.
Thank you Rinpoche and blog team for sharing 7 ways to ignore insults . This is a very good tip for self improvement 👍🙏😍
In life we will be facing lots of negative things from others. never mind right or wrong, true or false, I must learn how to take it or see it as a positive steps for our personal improvement and growth.
The 7 great methods in above are not just to cope with insult but advise, comment & opinion from others toward ourselves. Insults and criticism follow us everywhere, so learn with great patience to use them as a guide to self improvement .
Thank you Rinpoche for this inspiring and motivating article. People can say many things about us but we will know very well how we are and how we are. We should not react to the comments people make on us.
However, I do agree that we have to contemplate on what people say about us. If what they say about us is true, especially our bad qualities, we have to change. If it is not true, we just have to move on and ignore the comments.
It is important to work well and make people around us happy since creating suffering to people is not what we want. In order to achieve that, we have to always be aware of our attitude and behaviours. Nobody is perfect, but we can be a better person if we are open minded to accept what people say about us.
Thank you for sharing ways to avoid ignore insults. As mentioned in the article, it is crucial to understand the truth and be honest. Accept and make a change if necessary. Otherwise, move on and get a life. There are better things to do than dwell on the past. Change is always difficult but staying stuck is worse.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing all this important points. We are always face with comments be it good or bad. Ultimately, it lies with us on how we interpret it. Our mind plays an important role when we receive negative comments about us. Most of the time, our anger immediately arise and become defensive even before we think deeper on the matter. It is an area where I personally need to improve and practise to accept insults. Definitely not easy but at least we now know the cause and is to put effort to change. Also a reminder to be cautious in our speech by not saying things that trigger may anger.
The 7 steps above are very useful not only to ignore insults but more on handling and self improving. In life we will be facing lots of negative things from others. never mind right or wrong, true or false, I must learn how to take it or see it as a positive steps for our personal improvement and growth. When we receive any negatives comments or attack, the 7 steps above are surely served as good guiding lines so that we do not just feel bad or sad or anger about it. In this way it helps us move forward. That’s very important. Many went into depression when they facing negative comments or words or attack. They closed up their heart to protect themselves. Most people stuck through out their life. I cannot wish we will not have any insults in our life but I can wish I can handle it and face it and improve myself and move on as a better person.
Thank you Rinpoche sharing . These are indeed very good points on handling insults . I normally will use the method of “What is important” to face insults. This is much more easier to transform our mind when facing on what peoples said to us. There is a saying says ” no one can insult you unless you allowed”, it is when you accept people’s words is an insult that it is actually does and of course this is related to mind stability.. The one who’s mind is very stable will no affected by all the words people said to them.. Therefore mind training is always important ,read this https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/buddhas-dharma/the-farm-of-your-mind.html
Everyone of us is not perfect, however, at the same time, we tend to comment and judge others. It’s very true what Rinpoche mentioned, if we are going to meet 300 individuals, each of them will have their own comments on us.
The 7 great methods in above are not just to cope with insult but advise, comment & opinion from others toward ourselves.
Accept, analyse, change, be a better version of oneself. If we don’t do so, some of us might just commit suicide due to unbearable pressure & unhappiness.
It’s a good guide to handle insults but the best way for me is still to embrace it rather than avoiding. Speaking from my own experience, yes I would ignore those who insulted me but when over some time when we calmed down, we will have a quiet moment and reflected on what the person actually said and find ways to justify the arguement against us. Whether who is right and wrong is another matter but the best is always change our own self rather than change someone. We reflect and cultivate so that there are no more similar insults against us, having said that it is never easy.
In life, we received postive and negative comment from people about us. Whether some comment will insult my feeling, i will obserb myself is truth or not and learn the experince over my feeling get over it and not hold the unhappiness.
I prefer people told me in front of me rather they talk behind my back. Practice eight way of mind transformation, it helping improve my mind stronger even have bad criticism will not easy upset my emotional. That way will find always in peace and not get angry and upset easily.
A lot of time our conversation will end up sour or got into a negative feeling or arguments. I personally feel that we should change our mentality in our conversation instead of listening to the tone but listen to the message. This article provides 7 ways to ignore insults. No matter what and how people say to us, we should let go of our baggage, then there is nothing to be criticized anymore. We have to empower ourselves and reclaim ourselves the right way. Once we are able to control we can achieve happiness better.
Some people insult, is want to make the opposite party look bad, or make the opposition drop, and to get accord and agreement from everybody. Usually this happen on politicians. Whereas, they are the most that keep quiet, and don’t do anything to respond to the insults. Some maybe, if the insult really damage heavy to their name, then they’ll stand out and fight against it. We can see insults almost everywhere. Especially those who anti Shugden, who likes to do cyber insult to the Dorje Shugden practitioners or to Rinpoche. For the cyber insult, or cyber bully, maybe they are paid to do it, or maybe they just insult for the sake of attention seeking. Although some of the insults are really very nasty, but as a Buddhist, we need to contemplate it, or understand where the starting point of the insults. At some situation, don’t fight back doesn’t mean agree to it, it’s just simply the insulted side doesn’t want to create the cause fighting. Be it physical fighting or just word fighting, both can influence the mind.
How we can ignore insults is how we see and accept the insult and the situation. Sometimes our friends do give us to friendly insults and some other times the insults may get intensed which will result on us getting angry or annoyed. Best is if we can contemplate on the insults if the insults that we are getting is on the same matter.
Insults and criticism are free and come your way whether you ask for them or not. However we must bear in mind when insults/criticism are hurled at us do we react with negativity and become defensive which will end up in a negative manner or we would think and listen and seek to analyse such insults/criticism.
The 7 points are valid as they will guide us to practise understanding and the manner to handle insults. To be honest about ourselves and to listen to insults/criticism without reaction but to absorb what is said so that we can take such insults/criticism as positive or negative. There are such analysis whereby insults/criticism can be constructive and also destructive.
Insults and criticism follow us everywhere, so learn with great patience to use them as a guide to self improvement or the power of letting go if found to be wrongful.
Insult is a negative action which will bring harm, pain to feelings or even could break a relationship. Words play very important role, either it will bring positive or negative impact in the situation. Other than this action, our thoughts are the major whether we are accepting or rejecting insults and change, transformed. All this is dependence how we think, if we think positive that will beneficial, we changed and transformed. If we think negatively, the insults will dwell into our mind which will later caused mentality sickness such as depression, insomnia, anxiety etc. So the solution of insult is letting go, moving forward, meditate to make our mind peace and always be reminded that, being insult is part of growing up in our life! ?
We have insulted others and had others insulted us. Everyone has people who like them and dislike them. Everyone has people who love them and hate them. Even the historical Buddha Shayamuni had enemies and people who did not like him. These seven pointers are very good to put into practice when the situation arises. Like Rinpoche always says, it’s not about others but us, and since we can’t change what others think of us then let’s start by changing our own thoughts.
It’s always easier said than done. It might be easy for us when it comes to insulting people but at the same time, what makes us think that we don’t have our own faults. And when people insult us, how do we react to it? Can we accept and think whether we are like what they say and contemplate? Insulting someone is very hurtful and it can leave a bad impact so perhaps we should study and look at ourselves first, before we point the finger and say hurtful remarks. Once we are able to identify whether it is something we need to take action, then we do it but if it’s not, we should just move on and not continue to dwell on it as it is time consuming and pointless.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing the inspirational and motivational article for us to learn, contemplate, think deeper and practice over and over again until we are able to manage our emotions and take it as constructive feedback, which might be valuable for us to ponder about or it can even lead us to another level of success, whenever someone has given us the negative comments or criticism. Before I started to learn Dharma in Kechara, I was easily get agitated and annoyed whenever I received any criticism or bad comments from other people about what I have done or spoken because I always thought that I did the right things, planned with the correct strategies and it should not be wrong at all. I was very egocentric in the past and blinded myself with my self-centered and self-cherishing mind.
Currently I am still learning to become a better one than before upon I have started to recite ‘The Eight Verses of Thought Transformation’ prayer as composed by Geshe Langri Tangpa every day. There were times where I purposely asked my subordinates if they can observe any of my weaknesses during the working hours as I always believe that we cannot easily see our own weaknesses or mistakes because we are too attached with ourselves for most of the time. Although it is not easy to hear or accept our weaknesses, which are being pointed out by others, if we can review and make it an effort to improve ourselves on our own initiatives, I truly believe we can achieve more success whether we are in a spiritual organization or secular work life. Further, people around us will also feel more comfortable if we acknowledge our own weaknesses and aiming to improve ourselves for not making the same mistake again if we really make the mistake in the first place, whether it is intentionally or unintentionally.
Anyway, when we continue to practise Dharma consistently and diligently, we can become more mindful with our body, speech and mind that can help us to identify our own mistakes within our own, before other people starts to share their feedback with us. If we really do not do anything wrong and yet, there are people still blaming us or criticizing on us, then we can offer prayers and mantras for those people so that they can too, practise the Dharma and make peace with everyone including themselves.
Humbly with folded hands,
kin hoe
These are good guidelines how to move forward and see the important points. How we deal with ourselves and how we talk to ourselves will in the end make the difference.
If we focus on what others say, what negative points they see in us, we will probably not achieve our goals. What matters is to accept ourselves and to become better. In this way, we can move forward and get the results we want, may be slowly but steadily.
Everyone has to deal with his/her own problems. We need to listen to others feedback of course, but not be stuck on it. Maybe it is the truth, may be it is half the truth or maybe it does not apply to us. Whatever feedback we get, we should examine it and act about it in a positive way.
Thank you for this important teaching.
Since people like to post selfies to show others how incredibly look they are, or how they think they are. But as we all know, too much is a bad thing.There is a number of ridiculous selfies that gone wrong which i read from newspapers.Some embarassing selfies posted just needs attention of some sort and want to share .Most people are a little bit reserved when they’re taking a selfie.
Selfie addiction is becoming a more serious issue in these modern technology when it causes mental problems in long term.
Danny Bowman,who developed a selfie addiction is more of a mental disorder and even became suicidal.Well ,hope more people will realise the danger of Selfie addiction which cause more harm than good.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing.
Sorry wrong posting.. should be
People with narcissistic tendencies tend to be particularly likely to hurl an insult your way so that they can feel better about themselves.
When someone insults you, it’s tempting to take it personally and feel hurt. … insults only to get a response from you it’s best to totally ignore the insults
The 7 best ways as mentioned by Rinpoche is absolutely beautifl,its a good teachings for us .Those who insult us will not change their mind set but we can change to counter them in a polite way.By letting go all critics and move on to the chapter is best.Holding on won’nt help anyway. (Take that critics and turn it into wisdom.) quoted .
I like point 6 as it explains….Remembering our goals what matter at the end of the day.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing .
Everyone gets insults and criticisms. It’s not personal, it is just the way of samsara. How we handle insults though will make a difference as to whether it will benefit us or harm us.
There can be truth in criticisms people make about us. If there is truth in them then it will benefit us to accept what is being said and change instead of being defensive. Consider the person relationship with you, their possible intent and purpose before reacting. If there is plausible intent to harm or that person has no basis, then just there is no need for concern nor holding grudges, let go. If this person has always been supportive and constructive, then allow the benefit of doubt and contemplate what the person has to say.
It is almost impossible to remain stagnant, ever if nothing else in our lives change, one thing for certain we will age and as we age, inevitably there will be changes. Acceptance is important in order to move forward. As the saying goes, no man is an island. Seek out support from those close to us. Listen to another perspective from someone you trust or maybe just to share.
We are the master of our lives. We are the one in control of our thoughts and actions. Allowing others to influence our actions still makes us responsible. So be in control and never blame others.
Thank you. Your words are really helpful and motivating the people who are sensitive. Thank you again.
These sevent point of negating insult are just what I needed today! Perhaps I just need some time to relax my mind and take it as self improvement. At the end of the day, I just need to remind myself of my ultimate motivation! By the way, the short story commented by Tenzin Ilhamo did make a lot so sense! Thanks a lot for uplifting my spirit!
Most of us are too sensitive and egoistic and think that we are always right. Great pointers to help us cope with insults. More important, the reminder to reflect on our own minds and actions. I love the closing as it is so apt and practical.
“Letting go of hurtful words and criticisms is possible although hard. With time, easier. Practice makes perfect. Accepting constructive criticisms are part and parcel. Let go of our baggage, fears and hiding. Open ourselves to bigger and better things. Let the radiance of wonderful people fill us up as we fill them up. If we do this, then criticisms won’t bother us much anymore.”
Thank you with folded hands.
Thank you Rinpoche,
I sometimes think this – if a thousand people call a tree a dog…it will always be a tree.
We are constantly surrounded by people who will say hurtful things to us. We cannot change them but we can learn how to cope with them. This is a very good article and I find this helpful for myself. I particularly like the closing para.
“Letting go of hurtful words and criticisms is possible although hard. With time, easier. Practice makes perfect. Accepting constructive criticisms are part and parcel. Let go of our baggage, fears and hiding. Open ourselves to bigger and better things. Let the radiance of wonderful people fill us up as we fill them up. If we do this, then criticisms won’t bother us much anymore.”
Thank you for posting this, Rinpoche.
With Folded Hands.
Thank you Rinpoche for the 7 ways to ignore insults.
If we think that nobody can judge us and what we do is always the right thing, then we’re pretty much a Buddha. If we defend our flaws very well and someone takes a jab at it, we became extremely volatile.
It’s easy for me to get angry when that happens, but I always take some time to reflect and contemplate about what was said. Just like point number 3, I try to filter the criticism and distill only the constructive aspect of the criticism. I look deeper and see if they were right or not.
Criticisms do tend to ruin a day for me and I am a very sensitive person as well, but instead of pouting about it and telling the whole world that the other person is 100% wrong, I try to better myself and take responsibility.
For me to speak about it here seems easy, but at the heat of the moment, it’s the toughest battle in the entire galaxy. And I will continue this battle.
Thank you for sharing this with us Rinpoche.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this post. It does help me to evaluate myself and avoid myself to react on the insults or harsh words of others, not just in Social media but as well when interacting with others as well.
Thank You for sharing Rinpoche. These are the points that will help ourselves in order to become a better person. When a person judges us, instead of being angry we must contemplate; and if the second person says the same thing, it means that there must be something wrong about us and we should find out. Some people may be right and some may be wrong, one of the things we have to do is to check ourselves out daily.
[…] It would be ok if they stay in their own space, but it’s when they come to yours you have to deal with […]
Thank you for one of the most important teaching for all residents of the Internets, a place where insults seem to spread extremely easily and people like to hurt people’s feelings, or as the common term being “Troll”. So, this blog post is extremely effective especially to those who get easily irritated by those who troll on the internet and retaliate, which ends up “feeding” the troll making the troll irritate the victim further.
I like point 7 as it explains that you should be in charge of yourself. You should not allow someone else to disturb your mental process. You should control your own thoughts. You will meet many people in your life and you will not be able to satisfy all of them.
An analogy that would be appropriate is the story of the man, lady and horse.
One day a man was going to market with his son and his ass. they met a couple on the way.
“Why walk when you have an ass to ride?” called out the husband, “seat the boy on the ass.”
“I would like that,” said the boy, “help me up father.”
And the father did that willingly.
Soon they met another couple. “How shameful of you!” cried the woman, “let your father ride, won’t he be tired?”
So, the boy got down and the father rode the ass. Again they marched on.
“poor boy”, said the next person they met, “why should the lazy father ride while his son is walking?”
So, the boy got onto the ass too. As they went on, they met some travellers.
“How cruel of them!” They are up to kill the poor ass.” cried one of the travellers.
Hearing this, the father and the son got down. Now they decided to carry the ass on their shoulders. As they did so, the travellers broke into laughter.
The laughter frightened the ass. It broke free and galloped away.
Source: http://www.kidsgen.com/moral_stories/you_cannot_please_everyone.htm
Thank you Rinpochi for sharing these helpful ways of how to fulfil and fruity our diary life. reminds me not to argue with others from self-concept, be responsible to self-motion and apply to positive and healthy way of being in living between inner-world and outer-reality. with a kind mind in compassion and understandings will lead to simply happiness and emptiness.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful teachings . we take charge of who we want to be by understanding who we are. thank you rinpoche.
Thank you Rinpoche for the advices of how to deal with insults.
This is a big issue to me, I really didn’t know how to handle it. I always make the insults so big until I feel so bad, couldn’t really do much about the bad feeling. Sometimes I think of the 8 Verses of Thoughts Transformation that we have to give victory to others, I was confused. I didn’t know I should let the insults win or I should have more self confidence to prove it wrong.
Like what Rinpoche has said, we should contemplate how the insults come and it’s very important that how we take it. I like point 6 very much that we should always remember what is matter in the end.
Thank you Rinpoche, I will always keep my promises and the words of honour.
most of the time when insult comes flying, we will defend ourself and retaliate to protect ourself, but most of the time what we are defending is our image, our ego.
We never stop and listen to the insults or criticism and evaluate the truth behind it, because we are too indulge in our ego that we have to defend it and make ourself as perfect as we could. But somehow, some insults and criticism is actually the weakness that we have, the weakness that we ignore and un-notice that it might lead to more problems.
What Rinpoche shares with us here is definitely what modern people especially the younger generation need,all 7 ways to ignore insult is very practical and can be apply onto ourself if we open our heart and mind to understand the reasons behind it, and then accept insults and criticism as it comes to better ourself.
Thank You Rinpoche for this wonderful post.
Tashi Delek.
Last time we have the Stephen Covey’s 7 habits of highly effective people, now we have Tsem Rinpoche’s 7 ways to ignore insults. hehehe….
When I grow up, my perspective about Dharma is about chanting, sitting on meditation cushion and hiding away in the mountain. But in the past 2-3 years, I see Dharma in action in Kechara, and that really got me contemplate quite a bit.
Just like this 7 ways to ignore insults, I feel that there are so much Dharma knowledge in it, and once again, Dharma being applied to daily life.
I particularly like the point 7, as it talks about responsibility and not blaming others.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing the 7 ways to ignore insults. If someone were to insult me, I would think to myself, am I really doing that? How should I improve myself? Instead of being disturbed or angry, I would definitely better myself if the insults are true.
It reminded me this story which I personally like very much.
Gautuma Buddha was sitting under a banyan tree. One day, a furious Brahmin came to him and started abusing him.
The Brahmin thought that Gautuma Buddha would reciprocate in the same manner, but to his utter surprise, there was not the slightest change in the expression on his face.
Now, the Brahmin became more furious. He hurled more and more abuses at Buddha. However, Gautuma Buddha was completely unmoved. Actually there was a look of compassion on his face. Ultimately the Brahmin was tired of abusing him. He asked, “I have been abusing you like anything, but why are you not angry at all?”
Gautuma Buddha calmly replied, “My dear brother, I have not accepted a single abuse from you.”
“But you heard all of them, didn’t you?” The Brahmin argued half-heartedly. Buddha said, “I do not need the abuses, so why should I even hear them?”
Now the Brahmin was even more puzzled. He could not understand the calm reply from Gautuma Buddha.
Looking at his disturbed face, Buddha further explained, “All those abuses remain with you.”
“It cannot be possible. I have hurled all of them at you,” the Brahmin persisted.
Buddha calmly repeated his reply, “But I have not accepted even a single abuse from you ! Dear brother, suppose you give some coins to somebody, and if he does not accept them, with whom will those coins remain?”
The Brahmin replied, “If I have given the coins and not needed by someone, then naturally they would remain with me.”
With a meaningful smile on his face, Buddha said, “Now you are right. The same has happened with your abuses.. You came here and hurled abuses at me, but I have not accepted a single abuse from you. Hence, all those abuses remain with you only. So there is no reason to be angry with you.”
I will mostly likely to go for no.3 “Accept yourself & be better & no.5 Reward yourself.
Although i like no.5 Reward myself but the problem doesn’t goes off if you don’t find the source and solve the problems.
Thank you Rinpoche for these wonderful advice. The saying “your enemies can be your best teachers” if we use it positively will bring good benefits to us instead of pain and anger. Point No. 1 if applied constructively will solve a lot of our mental misery when insults are thrown at us. We are not the best, flawless human being. Neither are we in our lifetime going to meet everyone who are perfect and will be our buddies. Point No. 7 “Letting go of hurtful words and criticisms is possible although hard. With time, easier. Practice makes perfect. Accepting constructive criticisms are part and parcel. Let go of our baggage, fears and hiding. Open ourselves to bigger and better things. Let the radiance of wonderful people fill us up as we fill them up. If we do this, then criticisms won’t bother us much anymore.”
These truths will help me in combating my own ego. Thank you, Rinpoche.
I like point 3. If we do not accept who we are and dislike ourselves, who will? It is through accepting ourselves that we gain confidence and self-esteem. We all have our flaws and shortcomings, recognise them and work hard to improve.
Thank you Rinpoche for your sharing. It helps and guides me with 7 ways to ignore insults. I hope I can practice with what you have mentioned. Thanks again.
Thank you Rinpoche for these wonderful 7 points of wisdom, it will certainly help me to be a happier person once applied to myself.
I can’t pin point a single one that I particularly like as I find all these 7 points are true and must be practiced until it’s like second nature to us.
Many times, people tend to take criticism in a negative way, without a second thought that “Hey, perhaps I was in the wrong too”. We always have this ‘perfect’ view of ourselves that anything others say or when someone points out our weaknesses, we immediately enter into ‘defence’ mode or worst ‘being poor me’ (especially when we know we’re in the wrong but don’t want to admit it)… there are all self denial techniques that will eventually turn us to a very bitter person as time passes…
Any criticism must be evaluated with positiveness… we are only so fortunate to receive criticism (especially from people around us) because it shows they cared enough to keep an eye on us, and point out our ill habits so that we can improve, knowing very well that they place themselves in a vulnerable position of potentially loosing your friendship etc… yes I know some people would say that it’s fine to loose a friend that behaves in such poor attitude, but being in Dharma, we always try our best to pull them up to be better individuals. Of course, sometimes the people who criticize us are doing so based on their own agenda, we are still in samsara after all… but that’s where we need to sit down, think and check with ourselves honestly… if what they said was really true, and if it is, change… if not, don’t argue, just discard that criticism without any ill feeling.
Being honest with ourselves is extremely important in all aspects… it not only help us to realize how to improve on our weak points, but it also help us to excel in our responsibilities to it’s best within our current capabilities. Of course we should never remain stagnant, one cannot remain inert if one wants to bring Dharma to many.
Also, we must always remember to ‘let go’… being in samsara, it is absolutely impossible to have gone through with life without any form of disappointment. Even if you have every material thing you can ever want, there is still some part within us that will feel unhappy or unfulfilled… that is the nature of human beings, that’s why I always believe a man’s desire can never be fulfilled even if they own the whole world. When we learn to let go, and live in the moment… to make every moment matter and beneficial to others.
Just always remind yourself one thing, never let others bring you down because as a Dharma practitioner, your job is to bring them up.
Reverened Master Thank u so much. Iam at my comfort zone. Iam trying to follow ur suggestions since so long but at times rather iam not able to cope up with myself.
but idid not qut to be happy with alland myself. T T
beautifully explained -thanks
It is important to have these 7 points because we should not be in denial of insults or criticism because some might be valid feedback on our character and behaviour. Neither should we allow insults to drown our self-esteem and overpower us. I guess the key is to take something that is negative and use it to improve ourselves. In fact every situation in life provides us with the opportunity to improve or degenerate and if we are able to train our minds to approach insults in a healthy way then there is no down side.
I like point number 6 that is not to let petty things like insult distract us from bigger goals. If we have a purpose that we know is a good one and we are committed to it, then we will not allow ourselves to be easily derailed. Achieving the good purpose becomes more important than how we feel. On the other hand if we take everything to heart and react to every little thing that people say and do to us then we will never reach our goals because so much time will be wasted reacting to every impulse.
Only learn and take what is positive and can help us grow. Never take anything that makes us regress.
Some people choose to be rude, throw anger at us or insult us directly, rather literally. Perhaps we may also have done the same to them.
So if we try to learn these 7 ways to deal with these outbursts emotions of ourselves towards others or the other way round, over a period of time, we learned to re-habituate to think differently and speak differently – hence criticism is not personal anymore.
[…] 7 ways to ignore insults (tsemtulku.com) […]
Like Rinpoche said,”We should not let such behaviour of others to disturb our goals, passion and equilibrium” in our core practice to benefit all beings. We should be in charge ourselves, based on our hardwork contributions of course. Our own humble opinion on ourselves is also most important, based on the truth in examining our mind. Thereafter, just not let such jealousy, abuses, mistreatments, slander and so on, endanger ourselves and others to derail our goals and promises. As long as we continue to indulge in positive good deeds, words, actions and thoughts, we believe, we are on the right track of our Guru’s teachings, without our practice being defiled by the stains of the eight worldly concerns. Om Mani Padme Hum.
Thank you Rinpoche again for such profound teachings and sharing which makes me look deeper into my own psyche to further understand the workings of my own mind and heart.
It is not easy to take things “with a pinch of salt” per se. Often easier said then done. But this line rings so true in me:
“That is the truth no matter what the old adage is. If you are carrying guilt, emotional baggage, and holding on, then when they say something close to home, it can hurt you.”
We can be hurt if we allow ourselves to be hurt and on a higher perception, it is only hurt if we see it as hurt. If we truly see it as constructive criticism, it actually becomes a positive and even compassionate act. How can the same “hurtful” words have different meaning… it must then be how we perceive the words!
Thank you Rinpoche for this excellent advice on how to how to ignore insults.
It is hard indeed not to be cut to the quick by an insult. Yet, we must go beyond this insistent dwelling on the ‘me’ that’s being insulted which still appears to be larger than life. Reacting instinctively to insult is what brings the suffering. I must rehabituate the mind. As Rinpoche says, we need to hold back the reaction and reflect a little on the ‘truth’ in the insult.
Again as far as truth is concerned, is it my truth from my perspective or their truth from their perspective? As Jamie quotes Rinpoche,” Why is it that my truth is more real than their truth?”
Here than is a question of letting go of the insistence on “my truth”. If in analysis, we find there is a grain of truth in the insult, we have to do something about it and change that negative behavior into a positive one This way we will get no further criticism or insult about it. Otherwise , we will continue to suffer whenever someone insults us because we are stubborn and cling on to our insistence that we are right and others are wrong.
If there is no truth in the insult, just let it go. Don’t let another person control us that way; making us angry and unhappy with words that have no basis of truth. Probably it’s karmic; we might have insulted the other in a previous life?
Furthermore, if we look carefully, we may find that it’s coming from the other person who’s suffering from some negative emotional baggage. We learn to be compassionate as well, when we let it go.
All told, we are actually showing love to ourselves by freeing ourselves from the suffering we experience each time we react negatively to insults.
I like point No3: Accept yourself and be better. Always like to judge my self to be a better person. ( Selfish to be a Better-man )
Thank You Rinpoche. 🙂
Best Regards : Erickksiow
We are our own bosses, we take charge of who we want to be by understanding who we are. Being at peace with ourselves is the first step we take to get ourselves together and to release our excessive baggages. This does not mean that we will immediately live happily ever after, but at least we are more open towards critisim (true or false), more willing to hear what is being said.
The key is definitely to learn to love ourselves, to see our good and bad sides, through cultivating the good sides, the bad ones will “vanished” eventually. Any comment that comes along during and after the process should be taken as either a view or advice for self improvements.
Thank you Rinpoche for the great advice. May I add that I think if we do things with no expectations or projections of how other should react or being conditional regarding how things should be, what people say whether they are good or bad will not matter much anymore. At the end it is between you and your karma. This way, one will not be much affected by other people’s opinion or outside condition and focus on one’s effort to reach a certain goal.
Much love and care
Valentina
[…] 7 ways to ignore insults (tsemtulku.com) […]
Thank you Rinpoche sharing .
Number 3: Accept yourself and be better.Whatever we think of ourselves will become expression (words, etc.). Words become action. Action become results. “We think we can , then sure we can do it “, our mind is very important .
Number 6 : What is important .Remember what is your goals and what is important to you.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful advice. I do have mistakes and sometimes I just don’t realise that I was actually wrong, or I neglected people who care about me. At this moment, a family member or a friend that cares would usually point out my mistakes and I would take it as a constructive advice. The main thing is that I will change and never repeat the same mistake again. I would take Rimpoche’s advice on how to deal with people who insult us. Thank you Rimpoche.
I think that whenever it comes to insults or criticisms, it is usually hard for the recipients to receive them at the first instance. We usually will get shocked and feel unhappy (in circumstances when we think that this is true and not true).
At the end of the day, it is about us – about us reflecting on ourselves to see if we are really so, if yes, then we need to change (and it takes time), about us to accept these criticism and to take on them bravely and to change them. Once we have succeeded in changing for the better, no one can hurt us anymore.
And, if it is not true, we may well just ignore them, time and energy can be better spent somewhere else than to argue with unnecessary people.
We have to learn to let go. And yes, I do think that it helps to have an ice cream to just cool ourselves down. We have too many things in our lives, sometimes we just have to learn to take things easy.
It is all about us, what is within us (courage and confidence, etc) and what we can do about ourselves that is more important than believing too much in what comes out from others’ mouths.
Thank you Rinpoche for the above article “7 ways to ignore insults”
In this life, we have to deal with various kind of people either family, friends or working colleagues. We will hear a lot of “Stories” from different people. These stories may relate to ourselves or others.It can be praises or criticisms. These “Stories” may change a person’s perspectives towards certain person or situations. Worst, it may change a person’s life or attitude because of these “Stories”
It all depends on us whether to let ourselves control our mind or let these “Stories” to control us. It happened to me as well in personal and working life. For example, in my work life, when I let other’s to control myself, I start depressed and changed my working attitude and starts to have the ignorance towards work. Eg: After hearing criticism from superiors, I start depressed and delayed the task completion even though I can manage it well beforehand if I want to.
However, if we change our mind, accept people criticism and move on, we will find ourselves a lot of improvements in terms of behaviours and attitudes towards somethings. Then we will find that there is no longer depression or fear exists at our inner selves. We will be excited when there is any challenges or “impossible” missions are assigned. Most important, we must not stand still at the same point. But we have to trust ourselves that WE CAN DO IT, MOVE ON and put effort to make it happen. Whether the result is good or bad, it should not stop us to move forward. If the result is bad, we have to accept it and learn to improve or to avoid any similar issue arise in future. If the result is good, we should push ourselves to move forward for better result in future.
IMPOSSIBLE will change to POSSIBLE if we don’t give up and do our BEST. 🙂
This is tremendous, thank you Rinpoche and extremely helpful. I will need to read this a million times as a contemplation. Of all that Rinpoche has explained, I think the two most striking points is (1) acceptance and (2) not losing sight of our goals and the good things in our lives.
For someone who famously hangs on only to the negative and finds it “difficult” to accept the positive things said about it, this is the first and most powerful starting point. I told Rinpoche once that when someone says something positive about me, I find it very difficult to believe them. They could say 10 good things and I wouldn’t believe it. But if they said one bad thing, I would believe it completely, and even exaggerate it further in my head.
Rinpoche asked me this very simple question, “Why is it that your truth is more real and truthful than their truth?” So neither is true, or both are true – in the end it doesn’t matter. Both arise out of the individual’s perception so don’t hang on to either. Accept what is being said and think about it (as this blog post has advised), and change it if necessary; or accept your own goals as being true and good, and pursue that instead of being derailed by what others have said.
Rinpoche has also once said to me that my yidam should be “ACCEPTANCE” which I didn’t really get at the time. This blog post though perfectly explains what this means now and if we choose to start just at this point, a lot of things can change for the way we interact and respond to the situations and people around us. Thank you Rinpoche. I will read this again and again, and the next time someone says something that hurts, well… perhaps next time it’ll feel like just a little prick and not like a punch in the stomach!
Thank you for this good, understandable advice.
Thank you Rinpoche for the very wise teachings on insults.
The teachings makes a lot of sense, as not only do we learn how to handle insults and criticisms from other people, it also makes us realise that how awful it is to insult and criticize others.
I understand that a lot of times the person who is hurting us , are hurt themselves and it is easier to hurt others than to admit that they are hurting inside.
I also understand from the teachings that we must reflect on whatever nasty stuff that has been said to us, that there may be truth in it and we use this to change ourselves to be better people.And if upon reflection, the insult is coming to us because the other person is just being nasty and hurtful, we let it go . We should not take it to heart and give away our own power.
‘Let go of our baggage, fears and hiding. Open ourselves to bigger and better things.’
I especially love the above saying, this is now my affirmation. Thank you Rinpoche.
Thank you for this advice. It reminds me of the quote “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” by Eleanor Roosevelt. When we receive criticism, it is most painful when it comes from someone whose opinion we care about but sometimes we don’t look at what was said but instead focus on the emotions of hurt. This is when we can miss the point.
Also, I used to get upset when someone told me something unpleasant and she was being hypocritical then i reflected and as Rinpoche said, just looked at the validity of what she said. Then i realised that what she said was true and that truth was regardless of whether she was hypocritical or not. If i wanted to be better, i could just take what she said at face value, reflect and see if it is relevant and if so, improve myself so since then, i have tried to do this whenever I receive feedback. Of course criticism still hurts because the stupid ego doesn’t like listening to negativities but it’s a matter of just acknowledging it and how fast i get over it.
These 7 points are a useful guide to focus on what is important and not get caught up in fleeting emotions when receiving insults. Thank you.
Thank you Your Eminence for writing this post. It can help me very much. I hope to be blessed to meet you in this life.
Thank you Rinpoche for these wonderful 7 points words of wisdom.
I like point 7. Be in charge of yourself.
I like this point which Rinpoche concluded as it makes so much sense “You can meet 300 persons and everyone will have an opinion of you. Some opinions may be true and some are not. But you will get 300 opinions of you. But your opinion of yourself is most important based on truth. Based on your hardwork on yourself.”
In summary truth is, you are in control, and no matter who criticizes us, we need to “check in” and then we also need to “check out” and not hold on to it in a fixated way till it devours your whole being. I like Rinpoche’s advice because it has steps on how we can deal with situations, in this case, criticism and also understanding the ones who brought it to your doorstep!
Yeah it is good if we can understand and know the one criticizing you’s position, where are they coming from – from a constructive place to help you improve or just purposely to put you down because they are unloading a baggage? And you can almost always sense it through the choice of words, tone and manner they present their criticism/words especially if done often enough you can tell if it is a bias or non-bias one. Once we understand where the hurtful words of trigger come from, we can learn to forgive, ignore, look deeper, take heed or let go and move on and have a fabulous day. Ultimately no one has the right to impose their projections on another especially in an aggressively rude way – firstly who would wanna listen even if it is helpful and non-bias. And no one can have this right if we do not allow them. So really it is in our hands and we do end up still making all the decision, to hurt and or to be hurt. This post is Food for thought for those criticizing and those receiving it.