What is Your Choice?
Do you notice some people just take and give not much back and if they do, there is an agenda? It’s difficult to balance one’s compassion when dealing with them. It’s not you want something back, but it’s not nice to be taken advantage of always. Some people do nothing for you in return, but complain, moody, only talk about themselves, stand you up, disappoint you, are demanding, they often lie, want money, and confuse us. When things get hard or there is some misunderstanding they leave you, gossip about you, poison other people’s minds against you, make excuses and always produce not much results, yet they want you to be loyal. They can even not thank you for all you have given them once they got what they wanted or didn’t get what they want. They want you to do all the work and ride on your results too? They feel they don’t have to be nice or have integrity, but you have to be super nice or they explode. Or they just silently go away or try to make you feel guilty? Well you shouldn’t feel guilty. They ignore elders or their duties or the advice of the few they have left that care about them? They want you to tolerate what they dish out and if you speak out, they bang the phone down or show you a black face!! They want you to be there for everything but they are not there for you unless there is something in it for them. They can give nothing in return excepts demands but make so many excuses for not producing results. They want the best cars, best housing, best friends, best clothes, lots of attention, praise, easy life and your undivided attention and care without giving back much. If you stand up to them, they are shocked. LOL.. Some just let their angry mind take over and their moodiness and they expect everyone around them to tip toe and tolerate. They even want you to pay for things and they borrow money and it’s super hard for them to pay back. It’s easier to teach a chicken the full Tibetan language than to get your money owed to you! Some are just emotionally draining. They expect you to tolerate their mood swings. Why do they even have mood swings because deep down inside they know they have wasted most of their life and accomplished nothing so therefore no self esteem perhaps.
One day people will not tolerate this then misery sets in for them. Cause and effect does exist. So before that happens, be kind, real, genuine, generous, and work your share and do your job always before you lose the kindest people in your life. Then you are surrounded by moody, angry, selfish, grabby people who resemble the energy you sent out. Do you wish to be surrounded by people exactly like yourself or similar? The irony is unkind people and kind people both want to be surrounded by nice people. And would you like others to play you and hurt you? Of course not. Be kind, do your share of work, be happy and love those without agenda who have taken exception to you in the past. If you move on and don’t care about those who have been kind, then it will happen to you. Do not lose the kind people in your life, and always show them your love in your good actions, gifts, kind words and smiles. Life is too short to be mean, angry, lazy and calculative. You are lucky to even read this because someone cared enough to write something that is not pleasant but we must contemplate deeper. Someone does care enough to write this. Would you go out of your way consistently with no agenda for another and be hurt always or risk being ignored? Well someone cares. Do not take it for granted. Would you spend your time helping others, writing things, teaching, sharing, buying, finding help for them and creating situations to help others? If not, someone is doing it and appreciate it by a change within oneself. Everyone stands to benefit!
Remember, if you lose the kindest people in your life it would be a shame. How much they understand you and tolerate you and how long it took to develop into a situation that they can understand you? Do you think the new people in your life will take so much time to understand and tolerate you? What do you have that others will want so badly to withstand/and put up with you and tolerate you long term? Be logical. Why get it from you what they can get from another who is nicer. You are not the only one they can get whatever they wanted. This is not a put down, but face real facts for all of us. If you think new people will take the time you lost in long term friends to learn about you and tolerate you, good luck. Don ‘t lose what you have and don’t lose the people who took the time to give to you, love you, tolerate you and took hundreds of hours to give you love and care and advice. Never never burn bridges and lose the best thing in life which is people who care. Don’t be overconfident and arrogant. Remember, what do you have that is so good another does not have? Repair damages. Be remorseful in a positive way. Do not be arrogant or hide. Be real. Don’t you want that of others? Repair damages and keep the damage repaired. Don’t keep apologizing for the same thing, just stop instantly the error you are committing. Do not be high maintenance emotionally or any way. If you are due to the nature of your work, then give back more than you receive.
People remaining silent around us does not mean they don’t know what we are doing or not doing, but either planning how to help us or slowly giving up. Maybe they feel lost about you. Maybe they are giving up on you. If they normally are not the silent type and they are about you, it’s not a good sign. Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care. Don’t push away people who have spent so much time, money, love and energy on you. Never be ungrateful because one day you will lose everyone. These people who truly cared about you cannot be replaced. Only emptiness will remain within you. Don’t wait till it’s too late.
Kyabje Lati Rinpoche once told me when I was with him in his room, “You can lose money, house and material things as you can replace them and they are not important but good people cannot be replaced.” He said to treasure people and not things.
Tsem Rinpoche
🙂 🙂 🙂
I often play a ‘PICK GAME’ with my friends. I give them two or more of the most dreaded scenarios they would love to avoid. I give them scenarios that are really difficult and challenge their attachments, likes and dislikes and have them pick. It’s interesting to see what everyone picks. Because their choice helps me to understand their mind, thinking process and fears much more. I like to understand people. I don’t mind to take the time to do so. It helps me to see where they are at and perhaps in my humble way help them. It helps them to understand themselves more too in time. Well here are some scenarios. Which one would you pick?
We can choose to be a difficult, hard, selfish, grabby, moody and agenda filled person. Or we can choose to be kind, giving, full of love, accepting and genuinely care for others. It is our choice and instant mind-set. So pick:
Be dreaded or loved?
Some people may view us as like deadly dengue mosquito always taking from others and leaving us feeling worse than we were eventually or view us as a beautiful butterfly. It is how we deal with others and how we behaved that determines how they view us.
Do you want people to look for you or avoid you?
What kind of energy do we create around us? Dark, difficult and gloomy and people want to eventually avoid us. Or do we give a feeling that is welcoming? What is the energy we project out to others. Why?
Do you want people to fear your motives or feel comfortable around you?
Do people feel fear of being harmed or taken advantage by you and why would they feel that? Or do they feel immediately warm, disarmed and gravitate towards us?
Do you want to be seen as cold and cruel or kind and warm?
Are we people who see others as a means to our own selfish ends? Or do we exude an energy of love, care and compassion and genuine concern? It is up to us.
Do you want people to feel disgusted upon sight of you or attractive?
How do u want to appear to others? Do we disgust them or do we make them happy? It is up to us.
Do you want to be abandoned or welcomed?
How do u want to end up? Do we want to end up alone, unloved and abandoned because we were not nice throughout our lives? Or loved, appreciated and respected? We have to earn the right to be loved. Nothing is given.
Do you want people to be loyal to you or abandon you?
Are we lonely, sad, angry, fearful and full of anguish? Do we end up filled with sadness, rage and confusion? Maybe that is the actions we have done to others coming back to us now. We can change that. Send out to others always what we want from others coming back to us immediately and consistently. Cause and effect. No excuses and no procrastinations. Don’t waste this chance to be the best you can always. We can end up happy and full of light. All we have to do is not use people, not abuse others, don’t try to take advantage of others, forgive, be kind, not hurt others and never push others down. Quietly work for their benefit. This includes animals. Do our work well and do our share of the responsibilities. Never burden others when we don’t do our job well. How to be a example if we are not doing our part? How to be successful and happy knowing we don’t do our responsibilities? Don’t shirk or hide from hard work and let others do it and when it’s done we expect to show up and enjoy the fruits of their labor. Who will love us for that? No one. Don’t complain but do something about the situation to make it better for everyone. You don’t want people to see you as a gold digger or a user do you? Of course not. Then don’t be a gold digger or user if you are.
How do you want people to think of you? Do you want them to recoil in horror or be happy to see you?
When people look into our minds, how are we? Gloomy, depressed, moody and they have to tip toe around us? Or are we bright, sunny and filled with concern for them. Focus out makes us happier. When we focus in, we will be always dark and unhappy. Do we make others feel special and listen to them. Or we want the focus to be always boringly us? Take away their pain and problems and offer them solutions. We should not always complain and just drain those around us. Because one day they will leave the dark place and abandon the ‘dark forest’ that drains them for a green bright one. No one will wait around forever. And don’t lose who you have. Don’t burn bridges.
Do you want to be the harbinger of cold, cruel lonely sadness or be a messenger of happiness?
Choose to live your life in a way with great integrity. Do what you promise no matter how hard and don’t keep disappointing people. If you keep disappointing them no matter how ‘delicious’ your excuses are, they will leave and you will be alone. Finish and uphold your commitments. Be forthright and always make others happy and they will make you happy. Everyone will be happy. If you do more than your share and do it well, you will be loved and eventually become an inspiration. If you do less and leave it to others, then you will be avoided. People do wise up to who we are.
Do you make those around you wilt or grow?
When you are kind to people around you, give them hope and nurture them, they will blossom. If you always put them down, criticize them and only see the negative, they wither. If you use them, they close up. Why do we want anyone to wither? Think hard how to help others. Think thoroughly how to benefit them. Don’t think it’s too much work because doing nothing takes more energy than doing something. If you make a mistake, show genuine remorse and apologize. It’s not the mistakes that make people doubt or dislike you but you hiding them and thinking others are not so clever to know. People keep silent not because they don’t know, because they see through you and give you face. But they won’t always give you face. The one who needs the most face always is the one who ends up faceless. Find creative ways to nurture and open others up. Always be ready to open others up and take care of them. Always be ready to be of benefit to others. Help others to blossom and be happy. Ask nothing back in return. Then it’s real.
Do you choose the negative to feel good or the positive?
Never rejoice or be happy in deeds we know are bad. Don’t make excuses or false apologies. Don’t think if no one knows what you are doing or only you know, you got away with it. Not possible. Don’t think just because you don’t believe in karma so you are exempted from retaliation of negative actions. No one is exempted from the law of cause and effect. No one is exempted from anything simply because they don’t understand it or accept it. Some of us have done really negative things before and we think if we remain silent and no one knows, we won’t suffer for it. Wrong! Karma will come back. Regret, change, do something to counter it. Be open. Do purification practices and do good from now on. Do good things without agenda from now on.
Do you want to end up unhappy or happy?
Whatever we do, we can end up unhappy, bitter and full of regrets or happy. The choice is in our hands. Make the right choice as time is short. Right actions and right motivations end up in happiness. Focusing out and results bring happiness.
Do want to people to see you as toxic or someone they can love?
Remember don’t be like a toxic waste pond because you don’t address your own inner demons. No amount of money, friends, indulgences, sex, fun, parties, makeup, branded items, partners, clothes, muscles, travel or power will ever make up for the deep loneliness we can feel inside. The loneliness and bitterness can get bigger until we are unwell. You don’t deserve that. You deserve the best. So does everyone else. That’s why you should give the best to others. By giving the best to others, we give the best to ourselves. Really!
Do you want to go to a good place or bad place?
We can be mentally in a good or bad place depending on our actions. We can physically end up in a good or bad place too. The sky may fall, the mountains may crumble and the oceans may dry up, but a Buddha can never lie. Buddha said clearly there are very unpleasant states of rebirth we can incarnate into due to the negative karma of our body, speech and mind. Therefore don’t doubt there is another life after this and another. Where we go is up to our actions now. Don’t chase after one apple and abandon the whole apple orchard. A Buddha’s wisdom has no limits unlike the most intelligent man’s intelligence on this planet past, present or future. No human ever can surpass the omniscience of a Buddha.
How do you want to be remembered? Do you want them to think glad you are gone? Or we miss this person so much?
In the end we just end up here in death. Whether we are buried or cremated we are going to die and the time is getting shorter by the minute. We can have a bad death where afterwards we incarnate into unpleasant situations. Or a good death where we end up even better than now continuing our spiritual journey towards knowledge, light, love, peace and enlightenment. Good and bad death is in our hands depending on how we spend the short time we have now.
Please support us so that we can continue to bring you more Dharma:
If you are in the United States, please note that your offerings and contributions are tax deductible. ~ the tsemrinpoche.com blog team
This is a very nice teaching on karma, cause and effect. When we are kind and loving, we will naturally attract people who are the same. Sometimes we only treat people who are nice to us nicely. For people who we don’t like, we don’t show them the same kindness. If we really want to practice what Buddha Shakyamuni has taught, we have to change this attitude. We should always be nice to people regardless how they treat us.
When we are kind to people, it should be without an agenda. Being kind is our nature, it should not be with conditions. If we always talk about world peace, this is how we can contribute towards it. Be kind and be nice.
Sometimes, we have the habit to show people black face when we are not happy or we make people’s life difficult unconsciously due to our anger and frustration. This is not a nice thing to do. We should always be nice and give people a good experience when they are dealing with us. Our life is short, why make others life and our own life difficult? The choice is with us, change now, things will change too.
做人难啊，做好人更难
Be grateful if everything,before it’s too late.
This article is so true and sincere advice for most of the people around us including myself to contemplete all the time to see clearly what is going on. Understang it and apply ourself will help us for future through our spiritual journey to become a better person and happiness.
The process of overcome anguish takes huge challenging of mind. It’s up to us how we think during the process of contemplation, because existing of mind poisons, thoughts of cause and effect and being compassionate. So therefore, live life simple, less expectations and gives more.
“Life is too short to be mean, angry, lazy and calculative. There are some said, being happy will build up millions of body cells which is good to our body compared with being angry which kill thousands. Hence, which you will choose?
Most of us have either experienced such people on many occasions in our daily life and even in this lifetime. And most of us are guilty of what is stated here in this article. To lose someone who had been kind to us, someone who wanted us to be safe, strong, successful and all the positive things in our life, is really a big loss to us. More so, after we have broken their heart for all the negative things we had done. To regret is too late for we may not have a second chance.
Life is a choice. If you choose to be giver, give happily all the way. If you choose to be takers, ask yourself a question, are you happy to be a taker and don’t give? If you choose to be kind, be kind all the way, if you choose to be unkind, again ask yourself are you happy to be unkind and be honest to yourself when answering the questions. If you want to find out are you always make a right choices, look at yourself now because everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you have made. Good thing is if you want a different result, make a different choices.
Of course I want to be a person where everyone remembers who I am and accept the person I am. I want people to feel comfortable and welcomed when they are with me. I do not hope people to dislike, hate, avoid or feel unhappy when they are with me. Of course we want and pray we will go to a good place when we die. Hence, I think we need to do our best to be a better person in life.
The above might sound basic but it is really classic. It’s really useful for one to hold onto and be open to themselves to see what they have and reflect on it. Having said that, it is easier said than done. The phrases mentioned above doesn’t work If we don’t apply it but it will take a brave person to really recognise, apply and change.
There are not always and not many people around us care for us, being nice to us, and never ask anything for return. Except our own parents and our own family members. Some, even parents and family members ask for returns. Especially after we’ve come out to start working in this society, where people only care for their own life and their own rice bowl in climbing the cooperate ladder. We must always contemplate, and grateful if we meet one. People who take out their heart, sincerely care for us, being nice to us, we must not turn our back to them. It’ll be our bad Karma if we turn our back to them. For me, I’m very fortunate to be part of Kechara, because people in there, care for me and being nice to me without any agenda behind. Especially our Guru, who even care about people that he doesn’t know, people who only walk pass, people who work at the roadside, even homeless, etc. If i want to list down the people that Rinpoche cares, it won’t be finish even until the end of this page. It’s my tremendous merits and fortune to have Rinpoche as my Guru. ???
After reading the post, we should take some time to reflect on our actions in the past and everyday before we sleep. Checklist of what we did and how we behaved. Many of us will deny that we are like that yet we know it’s true. We always complain about everything and happy when we get what we asked for. Just like a little child, always screaming and crying to get what they want. All those little actions are reinforced and got stuck on us till today coz when we don’t get what we want, we will be angry and unhappy. Now and then I chance upon many friends who are unhappy about every little things and then I will check myself to make sure I don’t become like that. Instead, I remind myself to be the opposite so that I can ‘enjoy’ everything around me, be grateful, learning and push myself to be better for my wellbeing and to help others in any way I can.
Basically I believe human beings are either TAKERS or GIVERS. And with that comes the beings of angry and jealous nature or kind and compassionate nature.
It is a choice where we wish to distinguish ourselves.
Being nice and giving is not an easy task as it is not fun to be “used” all the time but if we think being “used” had been a contribution to an undeserving person, and yet feel fine about it, the virtue we have developed is compassion.
Being a giver or taker is a choice we make and perhaps with wisdom we can be a true giver. Giving because we have developed altruism.
Thank you Rinpoche for the teaching
We should always be kind with sincere heart. Our life is so short and is real foolish being selfish just because of name, fame, position and power. Power is nothing but inner achievement is important. I feel pity to those people in high position but deep inside they are unsecured. This kind of people are not helpful because they are afraid others will be better than them. They are going no way because they are very scare of losing power. We should always remind ourselves why do we in dharma? Why do we need to study dharma? If our motivation just want to be a better person and have a good rebirth than just need to be kind. Otherwise why do we need to in dharma?
Very enlightening and profound article. I have some dharma brother and sisters that gives all kinds of lame excuses not to do dharma work. Some even don’t keep promises and kept quiet when being asked to update. They know what they are in Dharma for but still prefer to stay in comfort zones. And mostly needs to be pushed endlessly and spoon fed. Thank you Rinpoche and blog team for this nice article ??
Life is made up of choices. I believe life is just a series of decisions we make, and depending on our choice, we have to live with the consequences of our choices. We are responsible for our own lives, and being accountable for whatever decisions we’ve made we can change our lives for the better. The choices we make, however, determine our happiness or our unhappiness. I did not realise much earlier but reading this profound teachings has taught me many and a wake up call for me.
“What you are today, is the choice you made yesterday……as said by Tsem Rinpoche
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this teachings
Thank you Rinpoche for the words of wisdom. Most of the times, we are unaware of our behavior when we interact with others. There are people that do nothing but be moody, angry, selfish, complain and ready to pounce on what you did or said. Do we really want others to feel fearful around us, act cold and stern so that we get the results we want? Is this the way that people want to be treated? Or do we want to share and grow people with positive energy? Don’t lose people whom we care and don’t be ungrateful as one day we will lose everyone. This is especially true when we’re in the community, in workplace, when we never stop communicating with many others everyday. If we take all this for granted that people will be around with us all the time and not understand that people will be pushed to the corner and they will eventually leave us when they just can’t endure our inhumane treatment to them. Therefore it’s so crucial for us to learn to make room for positive energy to be available as often as possible and release the negative energy we hold on from the past. Also if we can fully appreciate this moment, we will have profound power to create positive energy within and treat others with kindness, sincerity and integrity.
Thanks for the reminder. A wonderful article to ponder and think about. This is because sometimes we are too distracted and focus on materialistic things that we accidentally hurt others around us. Matter of facts; real and loyal people need to be treasure upon as it is not easy to find.
Dear Rinpoche
Thank you for the article. It is true that sometimes we can be so selfish and take the people who are kind to us for granted. What I learn from the article is our thought reflects in our expressions and the energy that we send to other people. Something that I did not realise earlier. Rinpoche has taught me a lot of things that I did not realised before and continue to do so tirelessly. I am grateful for it.
Valentina
Those words are truth. More people should think about their behavior and care more about the people around them. In my opinion people should help each other and not using others to take advantages of them. Nobody would blame someone who did a mistake once, but the important thing is that you see your mistake, apologize for it and change it. There are many people who apologize, but they are still doing the same mistake over and over again. I think if you are really sorry for something, you will not do the same mistake again or you try at least to change. If you need some time you should explain the situation to the people who care about you. Talking is very important, because sometimes there is a reason for the behavior and if you do not tell the people around you, nobody will understand and you could end up alone.
Thank you Rinpoche for the nice sharing.
Normally most people always have their own perceptions and way of life. This is due to the habituation from young till now. Without dharma we will still view things the way we want and if things are not in our favour we feel disappointed and even angry.
With dharma knowledge we get to know that all things stem from ourselves. When we have high expectation then the disappointment is even higher. We need to learn to be less selfish and be kind and compassionate then the world will be a wonderful place to be.
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for sharing this message. There are people out there that are always alone. They eat alone, play alone, study alone and work alone. They keep ponder why nobody wants to be near them and yet they never think its their own problem. The energy they give out is unpleasant and people just generally don’t want to be near them. Most of the problem comes from selfishness. Because of our ego and greed, we hurt others and took advantage of others. If we treat everyone with love and compassion, people will like to be friends with us.
Humbly,
chris
Hi Chris,
Thank you for your comment 🙂 to add to your comment, I think it’s good if a distinction is also made between people who choose to be alone (people who want to enter retreat for example) or people who are alone as a result of their selfish actions.
For example, Gen Nyima (you can read part of his story here: http://www.kechara.com/shopping/news/gen-nyima-and-his-holy-prayer-beads/) changed retreat locations again and again during his 15 year of meditations in Bhutan so he could be alone and his practices wouldn’t be disturbed. Tenzin Palmo famously stayed in a cave for 12 years, totally alone, at one point even being snowed in. These types of people are very different than people who become lonely as a result of selfishness and exuding negative energy. Face it – we all have problems in our lives and none of us are bodhisattvas so the last thing any of us wants is to be near people who are always complaining, always negative, always moody, always have black face, always think of themselves first. So by virtue of them behaving in that manner, eventually everyone will leave them because no one wants to be near them.
I like what you said about treating people with love and compassion, and that gaining us friends. It’s the best method of interacting with people because if we treat everyone with love and compassion, there’s no way we can lose out. If they are mean to us, it didn’t cost us anything to be kind and if they reciprocate our kindness, then we have gained a friend.
Thanks!
Thank you Rinpoche, for this wake up call and to notice the people who have been kind and helpful to us. We must not lose our friends who have helped continuously us for such a long time. Long time friends are obviously much better than 10000 new friends. 🙂
Yes, I do know some people like that. There are just some people who say that they’re sorry over and over again, and they’re very good with their apologies. Only, they’re not so good at ending the reasons why they keep having to say sorry to you.
If they were truly sorry, why would they keep hurting you?
In such instances, I find that it is better to remove such people from my life or to keep them at a distance. Sometimes, no matter how much we want to help them, we just can’t because we aren’t in a position to, we aren’t strong enough, we aren’t clever or skilful enough, there’s no karma or maybe they just don’t want to be helped.
It gets frustrating and upsetting, especially when the people you thought you knew turned out not to be that way at all. It’s a combination of issues – they have always been that way but we never saw it, we had expectations which were disappointed and/or they lied and promised to change but didn’t.
That is why I think this picture here is so appropriate: “I do not trust words, I even question actions. But I never doubt patterns.” Patterns will reflect the true motivation of the person you’re dealing with, and understanding this helps me to manage expectations and therefore manage disappointments.
At the same time, some of the qualities that Rinpoche has blogged about, I also recognise in myself. If I can see the same shortcomings in others, then others can see the same shortcomings in myself. And if the way other people behave make me feel like this, then what effect am I having on others through the way I behave?
If we ever want to improve, we have to learn to be brutally honest with ourselves. How quickly did we read this piece and think “oh, I know someone like that”, just as quickly forgetting that that someone could be ourselves?
Before I came in touch with dharma, I always reacted whenever people like this showed up in my day-to-day life. But little did I know that my reaction are equally damaging because it kept the negative karma viral. Now, I learned to take responsibility of my own past actions. In my simplistic understanding, to avoid having negative people in our lives, we must stop negative and harmful actions towards others. When encountered with people with these negative traits, I will ask myself what I have done in this life / recently that attracted them into my life. Through reflection, if it is a wrong that I have done, I will strive to rectify it. Owning up my mistakes and taking steps to repair it not only will help immediately on the situation but I think over time it will transform our mind to be more less egoistic.
I have no vision to know the negative things I had done in my past lives. But I hope through the slight improvement in my actions, I can create the causes for better things to enter into my live.
Thank you very much to Rinpoche for this essential Buddhism teaching.
Humbly, bowing down,
Stella Cheang
Thank you Rinpoche for this article. Everything is really a manner of what we choose to do and think to improve situations on ourselves or the views of ours to it.
When we are positive, the only things that we can see in others is their plus points, and how to help that person improve further. However, when constantly angry and negative, the only things that we can see of others is their faults. At that point, we will constantly be wary of what is going on as well. Thinking of how people are doing certain things that can harm or even hurt us. We are constantly in the defensive mode that will only make us more miserable.
Thank you Rinpoche so much for this teaching as it is indeed that everything can change when we flood out the thought of “I” and let the thoughts of “others” flow and consume us.
Ans being in Kechara, we are very fortunate to have many people that only allow “others” to flow in their lives, shutting out that “poor me” factor that they previously dwell in to inspire others like me to do the same as well.
Thank you, you are a blessing to me and many others. I wish all good & love to you.
One of the best ways to appreciate, develop faith in or aspire to such a loyal person’s quality, is always to comtemplate on his kindness towards us. Don’t be like the one subject which is being mentioned in the blog. Reflect on and remind yourself of the positive qualities he has done for your benefit! Think about the many ways he has helped you progress in life, especially during the difficult stages of your life to help you out. Reminise on the many gifts, advices, encouragement and teaching that he has given you, and how all these helped you to change your life for the better. Having contemplated all these, at least make an ernest attempt in whatever way you can, to give back, or to show as a beacon of kindness and compassion to all others that you do appreciate greatly what the kind person has done for you. This makes up part of our Guru’s teaching’s too.
Thank you Rinpoche for writing and sharing this blog post with us. This blog post really means a lot to me. It has opened up my mind and reflects who I am after reading Rinpoche’s blog post and other Dharma brothers and sisters commentaries.
When we work for Dharma, we should not be selective according to our own priorities and should not only do what we feel comfortable with. This is mainly due to our selfish mind that derails us from the actual purpose of doing Dharma, that is to transform our mind through the practical way. If we do not focus out 100% for others and consciously keeping some of our selfish thought because we do not want to let go of our comfort zone, eventually people around us can notice our intention and it will only make others to keep away from us.
“Don‘t lose what you have and don’t lose the people who took the time to give to you, love you, tolerate you and took hundreds of hours to give you love and care and advice. Never never burn bridges and lose the best thing in life which is people who care. Don’t be overconfident and arrogant.”
Upon further understanding and contemplating on the above teachings, most of the time we might not aware that we have taken things for granted by ignoring people or even not being grateful to those who have put aside their priorities and spend their resources just to make sure we have got what we wanted by listening to our problems and giving us attention so that we can be heard and taken care emotionally as well. Those people who have given us with their time and energies should be appreciated as much as how we love ourselves. They really do not have dig their own energies and time out just to resolve our self created problems. No one owes anyone and thus, we should be loving kindness to those who voluntarily help us physically and emotionally. We should be sincere to everyone for our Dharma practice to take good effect within ourselves.
Thank you Rinpoche for guiding us and loving us with many precious teachings and advice given to us in order for us to gain happiness in this life and many future lifetimes.
Thank you Rinpoche for this blog post it really a good reminder who we really are, to be a selfless person is definitely very beneficial for our selves because when you think less about your need and want it really a relief for yourself then you can focus more to others and it also make your life more meaningful .
While reading this article, I ponder and reflect on the type of I am, Am I the persons illustrated on the right side of the pictorials or the left side? What is my choice?
Honestly speaking, I am both, at different times and situations. How can I be a better person I am not? To be a person/person on the right side of the pictorials, I have to do more dharma work and to focus out – not to only help others but to help myself to transform my mind. At times, I do falter and slack in my dharma work but with the constant guidance from Rinpoche and also Pastor Patsy in particular, I am always able to pick myself up and continue my journey. I want to be a better person.
Thank you Rinpoche for your constant guidance, love and kindness to us all.
Regards,
Leonard Ooi
Kechara Study Group Penang
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for this repeated teaching about respecting others and showing integrity in what we do. It really refreshed the teachings you gave us in the “Don’t be a Saint” post. 🙂
Thank you for always repeating Buddhas teachings until we finally get it. I am grateful that Rinpoche is dedicated to ultimately benefiting us. _/|\_ And thank you for those questions. It really got me thinking about how I want others to see me and how I would like to treat others. 🙂 With kindness, of course.
Your humble student,
Keng Hwa.
Thank you Rinpoche. This teaching comes from my Guru, who is the one who always cares for us and loves us and shows us patiently how not to be selfish and self-absorbed and not to keep taking from others uncaringly. Because one day when we turn around, it’ll be too late, and these lovely people, who have cared for us without agenda, will be tired of us and will walk out of our lives. Then we will be left alone.If we think, we can dispense with these real friends, we are very wrong.They have taken time out of their lives and concerns to build up our friendship, and in return, we don’t show care back in return nor commitment to keep the valuable friendships going.
Our Guru has shown a fine example to us. He has been extra-ordinarily patient and forgiving out of boundless great compassion. No one else would be that caring and loving. Even so, some of us have selfishly and heedlessly walked out on him too.
Yes, this is a wake-up call to me too. I must focus out more and be more mindful of others’ needs, and show more consistency, and work on giving the best of myself to others.
Thank You Rinpoche for always guiding us like what you have stated in article;”You are lucky to even read this because someone cared enough to write something that is not pleasant but we must contemplate deeper.”. For instance, when we meet a beggar on the street, we either give some money or walk away and nobody will go up the beggar to give teaching to hope he will change his laziness and have better future as we worry this will offend the beggar and bring us unnecessary unpleasant experience. However our Guru, H.E.Rinpoche, does this to His students so that we can move out of comfort zone for eternal happiness regardless the risk of we might hate and leave Him. Thank You Rinpoche.
Below are some statements from the article hit my mind hard;
1)”Life is too short to be mean, angry, lazy and calculative”:
We are always very short sighted as human being. We only focus this life such as we want to stay in Big House, drive good car, have good reputation/fame, etc. We always forget to deposit in some “money” in the account for future life. Remember “Don’t chase after one apple and abandon the whole apple orchard”.
Human life is very precious, however, it is even more precious and rare to meet such as great Guru like H.E.Tsem Tulku Rinpoche to guide us in this life. We should seize the precious and rare opportunity to follow His teaching and instruction faithfully to benefit others. Do not be selective; Do not use our limited cleverness to judge the unlimited Buddha wisdom.
2)”Focus out makes us happier”:
I remembered during one of discussion with Pastor Patsy when I was in Penang. I forgot what was the discussion topic (could be something like purpose of praying or Dharma practice）， I gave a lot of reasons for that such as improve our wisdom, better future life etc. Out of my surprise, she said “Soon Huat, you need to focus out not focus in to ourselves only”. It really hit my mind hard. It has been kept in my mind especially when doing Dharma work, it really make the work easily due to our mind set; we do it to benefit more people regardless what is the return (bad feeling or offending others). This led to another statement “Don’t think it’s too much work because doing nothing takes more energy than doing something. ” It is ultimately true, I always gave excuse for not doing Dharma work which was very energy exhausting to think of the excuse or avoiding it rather than make up the mind and focus on how can make it happened.
3) ”Karma will come back“：
We can cheat the whole world but not the Karma. I have a lot of bad habits and done a lot of wrong doing in the past. I have made up my mind to correct my bad habits and do more Dharma works to purify the negative karma. The main point of correcting my bad habits is to spread the Dharma teaching to others in more convincingly and hope more people will be benefited from the Dharma teaching. I always think when the moment we are dead, the karma will take full control on us. We should do something to the karma when we are still alive and have control on it.
Thank You Rinpoche, Pastor Patsy, Pastors and all Kechara Seniors for tirelessly guiding me in Dharma path and never abandon me when I was down. I do appreciate what our center has provided to me and I want to something to help up our center even I am far away physically. Thank You sincerely.
Reading this article makes me reflect, who am I? The type of persons illustrated on the right side of the pictorials or the left side.
Honestly speaking, in checking in, I must admit I am both all depending on the time and space.
That is the problem, and as taught over and over by my Guru, HE Tsem Rinpoche, there is a perfect way to cultivate being the person on the right side of the pictorials.
Do Dharma work and focus out to others. Personally I have experienced the effect of focusing out to others and most of the time, it really helps to alleviate any ill emotions that arises within.
As always thank you Rinpoche for your constant guidance, love and kindness to all that had been in Your space.
This is a good wake up call post. My delusions have been broken up to very clear areas by my Guru. All the questions asked in this post forms a part of my deluded mind. When I go through them one by one, I automatically relate it to someone I may know. But the truth is that “someone” should start with me and not someone else. That’s the hard truth !! It’s a constant battle in my mind to remember my Guru’s teachings and to use them 24/7.All the years of negative conditioning is a difficult battle to overcome. Sigh !!
Fortunately, it doesn’t just stop at being a question and answer session; Rinpoche has provided lots and lots of methods to overcome the deluded mind. These methods and teachings I should take as personal advice to me and not look over my shoulders at others ! They are for me to use and practice to remove the delusions and transform to be a better person.
Thank you Rinpoche for your endless kindness and compassion !
With folded hands !
Dear Rinpoche, thank you very very much for this article. What Rinpoche taught is straight forward and clear. It’s a very important teaching as this is the antidote to the root of our unhappiness. Do we know our problems? I think most of us know but because of our selfish mind is so so big and we chose to ignore others and prioritise ourselves. Having this attitude we can turn ourselves into a very dangerous species. We can go all the way to harm, manipulate and even kill for money, power and fame. Very scary. No one know what’s in our mind. But like Rinpoche said, people around us kept quiet doesn’t mean they don’t know just that they either planning to help you (very rare but if we are so lucky we must treasure them well) or to go away.
We all have our evil time, is that mean we abandon each other and we walk away? No! We tolerate, comfort, forgive and help each other to over come the problems (help with whichever way we are good at) and move on because we care. But not always please because at the end people around us will feel tired and sick and then give up and leave.
We can all say and write beautifully to show how much we understand and appreciate about Rinpoche’s teachings by giving examples, feeling guilty, making promises etc etc but how we stick to what Rinpoche had taught us is really up to us. Up to how much we want to push ourselves to do it.
All Rinpoche’s assignment for us seems hard and like mission impossible. While we are going all the way for that mission remember to check our mind from time to time, are we doing this for power, fame and money or to put others down? Never ever mistreat people who kindly offer their help in whatever form they wished to. By remembering and appreciate others who had helped us along our spiritual journey even just a small bit helped us achieve our practice.
WE CAN LOSE MONEY, HOUSE AND MATERIAL THINGS AS YOU CAN REPLACE THEM AND THEY ARE NOF IMPORTANT BUT GOOD PEOPLE CANNOT BE REPLACED.
Thank you Rinpoche for the teachings.
Love, Julia
Reading through this comprehensive and profound meaning words of rinpoche, make feel how much care of rinpoche for his students and friends. How many time we may get upset by people and care so much for them, lose hope with people always dying to you, cheat you or even harm us. How we experience can make us feel stronger if we have integrity ,practice eight verse of mind transformation.
Those are disappointing you becoming your great teacher help you to drill with different type of mind set of people, especially those are emotionally dragging you,try to get more attention and love of you. if we have selfless motivation, all the love and care to those people are never dispensable. It fully agree “You can lose money, house and material things as you can replace them and they are not important but good people cannot be replaced.” We must treasure people who trust us and not things can dispensable.
Thank again Rinpoche has share this teaching to many of us. Blesses us always find hope and strength find ways to help others.
Thank you Rinpoche for this precious teaching.
It is shame to say that everything mentioned above about unkind, unappreciative, selfish and demanding to others, are happening on me. Even though Rinpoche has taught us this in various ways many times, sometimes I just foolishly let the anger and ego taken over my mind. But being in a community like Kechara, when my anger and ego burst and the other Kecharian’s action of tolerating me made me remember what Rinpoche had taught, this will make me feel guilty and quickly correct back the wrong mindset. Choosing to be in Kechara is the best decision of my life, but I will still have many decisions to face everyday and Rinpoche’s teachings will always be my light tower.
This is a complete teaching as mentioned by Pastor Henry in our earlier discussion. I can’t agree more.
Rinpoche taught us to find, or to be more exact, to create our own happiness.
Rinpoche is very direct in showing us the “situations” and stated the “causes” which will eventually lead to our unhappiness.
We expect everyone to be nice, and to accept us with all our flaws, yet we are reluctant to go extra miles for others, even with those who were kind to us. We set high standards for others yet we selfishly exempted ourselves!
“If you move on and don’t care about those who have been kind, then it will happen to you.”
And Rinpoche gave us the solutions to set us on the right direction.
“Do not lose the kind people in your life, and always show them your love in your good actions, gifts, kind words and smiles.”
Rinpoche had been sending this same message repeatedly. And yet, we still didn’t get it or still refuse to change.
“Life is too short to be mean, angry, lazy and calculative.”
Focusing out is the key. Indeed, it is.
“You are lucky to even read this because someone cared enough to write something that is not pleasant but we must contemplate deeper. Someone does care enough to write this. Would you go out of your way consistently with no agenda for another and be hurt always or risk being ignored? ”
Rinpoche is really too kind… to spend so long hours to write this and had to endure pains just for the sake of benefiting us.
“Well someone cares. Do not take it for granted.”
This message is hard to swallow yet I can’t deny that Rinpoche is totally correct and hit the nail straight into the core of it all.
We shouldn’t take other’s kindness for granted.
When we do that with our Lama, it is worse because he is very kind to us, to teach us Dharma, the ultimate medicine for our ultimate happiness…
Showing appreciation or repaying kindness is an important part of our spiritual practice.
The real teaching here is to care for others more than ourselves.
“Good and bad death is in our hands depending on how we spend the short time we have now.”
I don’t have much time, hence, I only have one choice… definitely the good death.
Thank you Rinpoche for this wonderful teaching.
_/\_ Pastor Gim Lee
Thank You Rinpoche for Your care and patience with me. This blog post reminding me again regarding my commitments, integrity, laziness and my selfish mind.
Rinpoche has spent hours to write this blog post to advice me, that I need to transform now and don’t take things for granted anymore! When the karma catch up, eventually I will be depressed and no matter how good condition and situation I’m in and I will never be happy again.
Thank You Rinpoche, this is a wake up call to me! And I will need to transform and perform now. Don’t waste time anymore, if I managed to perform and transform, it’s never too late!
I will seriously and constantly reminding me everyday, get out of my comfort zone now…will do it! It will be challenging for me but I am willing to take up this and go ahead. And I know that I can make it!!!
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you Rinpoche for preparing this blog post.
During the discussion that a few of us here at Kechara Forest Retreat had on this teaching, listening to the sharing given by the oldest to the newest of Rinpoche’s students, this multi-faceted teaching seems to be one that Rinpoche has been delivering consistently over the years.
It’s just a matter of which facet of the teaching applies (i.e. which negative action are we currently guilty of committing), and to what degree.
For me, at the moment, a lot of it applies.
Pastor Henry pointed out that the scariest part is when someone is so innately selfish that they don’t even realize that they are. I have experienced people who are, and I think to myself, am I one of the delusional ones too? I probably am.
Lately, I have been believing that if I just keep to myself, minimize my interaction with others, there will be less chance/opportunity that I won’t negatively affect other people while I sort the mess in my mind. But on the contrary, it affects them even more.
The main points that I will take with me are the following 3:
1. “Be remorseful in a positive way”. To contemplate on the kindness received from different people over the years, to recognize those individual’s true caring nature as being ultimately precious and to remorse for any wrongdoings that I have done towards them.
This also ties in with a quote by Chogyam Trungpa that Rinpoche recently shared about being a warrior by facing ourselves.
To face ourselves, and all of the negative qualities we currently possess. Not to beat ourselves down when we have pointed them out – but to see our current self as we really are, and from there create real transformation.
2. “Regret, change, do something to counter it. Be open. Do purification practices and do good from now on. Do good things without agenda from now on.”
Not to allow my negative (and attachment-driven) mind take the drivers seat, but as the 8 verses of mind transformation (that Rinpoche kindly shared again a few days ago) states, “the moment a disturbing attitude arises, endangering myself or others, I will firmly confront and avert it.”
It’s very easy to let the disturbing attitude take its course, no effort is needed – but that easiness, will only lead to intense hardship later. For both later on this life, and after we die.
3. “You are lucky to even read this because someone cared enough to write something that is not pleasant but we must contemplate deeper. Someone does care enough to write this. Would you go out of your way consistently with no agenda for another and be hurt always or risk being ignored? Well someone cares. Do not take it for granted. ”
The someone who cares is my Guru.
Thank you,
Jean Mei
Dear Rinpoche,
It is true that we forget easily the kindness we receive by only focusing on ourselves and our own small world. But this will not bring us what we really want – happiness.
« You deserve the best. So does everyone else. That’s why you should give the best to others. By giving the best to others, we give the best to ourselves. »
Yes, everyone wants to be surrounded by nice people. But we get back what we saw out. The nice people will run out if we only take advantage from others.
Rinpoche is very kind to give us advice and making us aware because sometimes we are caught in habits and are not looking from another person’s view.
By avoiding and focusing on distractions and avoid to face the truth, the situation will get worse. Now that we are so lucky to have our Guru to guide us and are able to learn the Dharma, we need to transform and make sure that we improve our weak points.
It was good to discuss together about the post as we hear different points of view, some of them we might not think of. How much we improve is how much we give back. No one wants to be near a selfish person.
Thank You for sharing this post and all the pictures. The questions and pictures are a good way to contemplate and focus on what is really important.
Thank You for Your love and care
This is one of the most amazing blog posts I have come across. Even if there were no captions on the photos, anyone looking at them would understand the meaning behind it. This is how much thought and research Rinpoche does for one blog article. Thank you so much.
How do you want people to think of you? Do you want to recoil in horror or be happy to see you? Do you make the people around you wilt or grow? I can so relate to this. I was not a cheerful nor friendly girl in my early teens. More of a ‘as a matter of factly’ kind of young girl. One of my classmates was my opposite. She was always bubbly and whenever she walked in to the classroom, it was like sunshine coming through. Everyone would be so happy to see her and the atmosphere just brightens up.
Many years later, someone I knew was going through a very rough patch in his life. His friends, including me, would do anything within our capacity to cheer him up by taking him to his favourite restaurants for meals, helping him out financially, giving him moral support, etc etc. No matter how hard we tried, it was never good enough and he would sulk and complain and that dampens the atmosphere. It became very demoralising for people around him and eventually friends started to cringe whenever he contacts them.
I didn’t like what I saw and experienced. It was a rude awakening for me. I resolved that I do not wish to be in that guy’s shoes and loose friends like that. To end up bitter, angry and ungrateful. I do not want to end up a person everyone cringes when I walk in to a room. The way to avoid that from happening is to be the burning torch, not putting the light away. This article that Rinpoche has so kindly posted for us is one that I must revisit to keep myself in check on my spiritual practice for I tend to slip often.
Gratitude is very important in our life. How we benefited from others we should return their kindness by doing well our work in benefiting others.
Our selfishness will always be our downfall and pull us back from moving on. It will only make people go away from us as we are seen as taker and ungrateful.
But if we remembered how we are being help, how people show kindness to us, how people spend their time to correct our wrong doing we should in return do the same to others. One of the way to show our appreciation is to extend the same kindness to others which I feel it’s more beneficial to more people.
Rinpoche is right that our life is short and if we focus out it will be more satisfying as we can see others, many people are benefited instead of just ourself or just our family. We are not living in this planet ourself. It’s wasting time to just focus on ourself which will just bring loneliness at the end of our life.
How others treat us is always reflected from how we treat others. We choose how we want others to treat us by us taking the first step to treat others with kindness, compassion and gratitude.
Thank you Rinpoche for your endless care through this post.
I read this together in Dukkar Dining Room with Dato Ruby, Pastor Patsy, Pastor Gim Lee, Pastor Antoinette, Khoo, Nicholas, Angel, Pam, Jean Mei, and Ana. And we discussed and commented together. It’s interesting to learn that what is written here applies to all of us. But importantly is how much effort I want to put into the flaws of myself that I read here so I improve. Else it’ll be just reading, discussing and commenting but not implementing. I may slip again but it’s vital I learn from the slip and remind myself again. If I choose to just let this teaching pass me by then I have not taken the teaching to heart.
We are so fortunate to have this human rebirth and we should not waste this life away as “Life is too short to be mean, angry, lazy and calculative.”
I believe that if we want others to be real to us, we have to set an example to be real in order for others to trust and respect us. We must have integrity and keep to our promise and no matter how difficult our tasks are; we must be committed and never give up.
People, like Rinpoche, who truly cares for us cannot be replaced. I am grateful to Rinpoche who has always advised and guided me and helping me to transform to be a better person. I still have a long way to improve myself but it’s not too late if I truly want to transform and step by step it can be accomplished through effort and persistent.
I wish to bring happiness to myself and others thus I have to focus out more and use this precious human rebirth to benefit others as at the end of my life, I do not want to end up alone, unloved and abandoned and hopefully to take a better rebirth to continue my spiritual journey.
Thank you, Rinpoche for being here with us and defied all odds and obstacles to patiently guide us on our spiritual journey. Thank you for your love and care.
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you very much for such a wonderful post on how selfishness make so many people unhappy. I have met quite a few of these people and it’s really sad to see them ending up alone, angry, bitter and becoming worse.
But it’s really hard to totally ignore or give up on them as I have learnt that if I do, they become worse and it goes on and on for many lives. Especially those that I care very much about. I feel sad for them as nobody dare to stand up to them and let them know their wrong doings.
Because of Rinpoche’s kindness and teachings, I am able to do my very best to understand them rather than just walk away. Before this, I would get upset and just ignore them.
I do the best I can, to talk and advise them now.
Of course, I am no where near 5% of being perfect yet and I always remind myself to not to be like those negative, selfish, bitter, unkind person as I don’t want to end up unhappy alone, letting it carry on for lives. (Thank Buddha for His teachings!!!)
I do NOT want to be someone who will be remembered as a selfish bitter person when I die instead be remembered as a kind, happy and giving person.
Love, Pamela
I love this site, and I love Tsem Rimpoche! Thank you so much!
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for this straight to the fact article.
When I was reading this, 2 person came to my mind.
1 is Rinpoche, my Guru who never gives up on me no matter how bad I am, always guiding me and teaching me. I can safely say, all good ethics, integrity are being taught by Rinpoche when I was younger.
The 2nd person is my father, he always remind me that we must never forget what good others did for us and never abandon them. Where were today are partly contributed by them, so we must never forget their kindness. Even if we feel we have paid whatever debts they did for us, we must continue to help them if they are in need next time.
Rinpoche and my family never gave me up when I was at my “nastiest”, and now that I have improved slightly (many room to grow and be better), I will always serve Rinpoche and my family well.
As the saying goes, how others treat you is a reflection of how you treat others. If I want the goodness from others, I must be kind to them first. Even if the other person is filled with negativity.
Thank you.
Thankyou Rinpoche for being so direct and honest. Its all true. I have lost people that I miss dearly, and it is all because of the selfish mind. This I find from reflection and contemplation.
Having realised this I only hope to make a u-turn and one day be that person that people love, look for, feel comfortable around and is warm. Someone that is a beacon of light in the darkness.
Thankyou for taking the time to care and open people minds Rinpoche.
When you always speak in future tense about change, it is a clear sign from my 20 years of experiences the chance is very slim. I wish you luck though. 🙂
Great post made with love and wisdom. Thank you as always Rinpoche.