I loved my horse
My father didn’t tell my mother the truth when she became pregnant with me, she was a young girl around 18, idealistic, in love, but she never knew my father had another family, when he broke the news to her, the news broke her heart, it damaged her, it shamed her, it brought the scorn of the community upon her, and she was labeled a bad girl. Nobody understood she was in love and she didn’t know my father had another family. Her pregnancy with me had changed her life for the worse in some degree that affects her until today. I am so sorry for her and my dad.
She never saw my father again nor spoke to him or spoke of him, she was hurt beyond description. I don’t blame her at the same time it was so long ago. What happened between her and my dad had nothing to do with me. But in the end I was the recipient of this doomed relationship.
My grandmother planned and arranged my birth in secrecy in the General Hospital of Taipei. My grandmother and my mother in order to hide the shame that was embodied in me, found foster parents in a Taiwanese couple in Taipei. The Taiwanese couple, I found out later, was paid USD50 a month to take me in as their child to keep me and to house me. The Taiwanese couple had three sons of their own, were very poor and lived in a small apartment on the 3rd floor of an apartment building. Later I realized their poverty and was sorry for them.
I am sorry to say the Taiwanese family never treated me very well, they never kept me as their own, there was no love, affection, kisses, hugs nor genuine care that I can ever recall. Even if not love, at least take care of the young boy that you were paid to do. I was often punished, made to kneel on rice for hours late into the nights, told off, and teased to the point of cruelty by their three sons. I was often not properly washed, and smelled. I didn’t have proper clothing, no toys, not many friends my age although my school was nearby. I remember vividly always getting white rice mixed with sugar to eat as my main meals daily to the point where my teeth were completely rotten. I didn’t know or realize that this couple was not my parents, I didn’t understand I wasn’t loved or treated well. I was too young.
Often after school I would sneak upstairs to the 3rd floor, and leave my school bag on the steps and escaped into the streets. At the age of 5 or 6, I was stealing money to buy bread to eat. One of my favorites was hot steamy Pao bread make of white flour which was sold by the street vendors. I used to stay on the streets or sneak into various shops where I was allowed to stay to watch TV. When it became very late, I would sneak back home and sneak upstairs, hoping against hope that I would not be caught. Against all reasoning, I was often caught and punished, but if I stayed home, I would have been punished anyway. I was hungry, lonely, and affection-starved, and I wandered the streets in our large urban neighborhood to escape home.
Even now, at 47 years old, I remember vividly those days. Sometimes, it brings wonderment that anyone would treat a child this way. I look at my childhood picture as if it was another person. I see the boy on the horse was a bright, strong, smiling, healthy young boy and wonder why this boy was abandoned by his mother and his father. I look at this picture and wonder why this boy had to be given away, suffer and be without love in order to erase a shame that he was not responsible for. I look at this boy in the picture and think possibly how could anyone beat him, punish him, and starve him? These questions have often run through my mind for over three decades now.
I have stopped asking those questions recently and realize it just happened. Karma for sure. I forgive those who were responsible for the neglect and pain given to this boy in the picture who was me. I have stopped wondering why this child didn’t have a family, loving parents, support, care and all the things that children deserved. I have stopped wondering why this boy was not aborted while inside his mother’s womb.
There was a ray of light because I remember a tall, stately, smiling and very loving elderly woman who used to come a few times a year to visit me. I didn’t know who she was, she never told me and my caregivers the Taiwanese couple also never told me. This elderly lady used to hug me, kiss me, playfully tease me and would bring wonderful new clothes, treats, toys, shoes, and my favorites candy tootsie rolls, I never knew who she was until I was older, but I loved her visits. I was later to find out she was my mother’s mother, or rather my grandmother, I don’t ever remember my mother visiting me.
One day, on one of these visits by my grandmother, she brought me the most exciting gift, it was a toy horse, it was beige in color, and it was strong, and on wheels, and had springs, the wheels were hidden under the hooves, and when I rode on it, it would gently bounce and move, I had never seen or had such a wonderful toy, it was amazing. I was so happy and I loved my horse. My grandmother only stayed for a few hours on each visit as far as I can remember. When she went away, the Taiwanese couple took my horse away, and the clothes, and the gifts, and the tootsie rolls. I never saw the horse again except for that one time. My grandmother never knew, and I was too young to tell her that many of the items she gave me, I only enjoyed while she was there. Otherwise they were taken away from me. I didn’t know what my Taiwanese caregivers did with these items. In retrospect, because they were poor maybe they sold them off, but I know most of the items were taken or put away. A few things like some clothes and some items were given to me to wear or use when only my grandmother showed up to see me, otherwise I would never be able to enjoy those items.
I found this picture of myself riding my horse in Taipei, Taiwan, that was given to me by my grandmother, I remember this horse fondly. I remember what happened vividly. I remember my grandmother who gave me this horse which was her love to me. I love my grandmother. I loved my horse.
Tsem Rinpoche
For more interesting information:
- My childhood in Taiwan: https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/?p=8065
- Photo album: Taiwan, where I was born: https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/?p=16110
- Picture of my grandmother: https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/?p=4610
- Picture of my mother (1): https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/?p=4608
- Picture of my mother (2): https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/?p=4604
- Picture of my father: https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/?p=4607
- My short bio in pictures: https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/?p=10916
Epilogue:
I have not had contact with my mom in decades. She still refuses contact and she lives in the USA. I am in contact with my dad. He lives in Chengdu now. But we rarely see each other. I wish my mom and dad well. I really wish I can have a relationship with my mom. I miss her. I am sorry mom. I wrote this as a biographical book will come out about me. We are a part of each other’s world even though you don’t want to be due to your pain. May your pain heal mom.
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How touching. Everything happens for a reason. Rinpoche’s childhood struggles and sufferings are what made him today. Rinpoche life story shows us that no matter what is the situation, never let it break you, but use the situation to change ourself to be more kind and giving and let go of whatever things that make us unhappy. Tsem Rinpoche is a role model for many of us to emulate. Thank you Rinpoche and blog team for sharing such a touching childhood story. 🙏😘
Very touching article of painful childhood experience. A child was battle to grow in a difficult situation, struggled in hunger with lack of care and love.
A painful love of a teenage mother and a concern grandmother of a new born baby was learned in this article. It was also learned that both mothers’ had the most critical time by adopting a foster family to keep the baby safe. Growing up with foster parents was extremely painful. All necessary needs was neglected including food and most of the time the child was unattended.
A journey with a lot of bad experience with unforgettable memories with some lovely sweet moments was felt. A lovely gift with a little attention in the painful experienced of a child has helped to gain a deeper understanding of what love really is.
1984 Los Angeles-Left to right: Geshe Tsultrim Gyeltsen, His Holiness Kyabje Zong Rinpoche, monk assistant to Zong Rinpoche and the 18-year-old Tsem Rinpoche prior to ordination. Read more- https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/category/me
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A poem inspired by seeing a picture of my teacher, Kyabje Zong Rinpoche…
In the sport of correct views,
all that is correct is just a view,
without permanence or substance.
As long as we hold onto views,
our sufferings are gathered
to be experienced without end.
Without the strong methods of emptiness
and compassion, bereft of merit,
we sink deeper without respite.
To arise from this samsara is but
a dreamscape on the deluded mind.
Therefore seek the guru, who confers the yidam,
hold your vows and fixate on liberation
free of new creations. Free of new experiences as
there are none.
~ Tsem Rinpoche
Composed in Tsem Ladrang, Kuala Lumpur on July 7, 2014
Wow, thank you so much for post here, Joy! I am blown away by this poem. Its wisdom is deep and profound. Rinpoche was a great, great poet and writer. 🙏💞
Wishing everyone well, and thank you again, precious Joy!
🙂
With folded hands,
Ching Ee
Yes Ching Ee, Rinpoche was a great poet and many more.
Thank you for your kind words and may you be blessed by Rinpoche’s teachings in every aspect. 🙏🌈💗
I was walking past a second hand shop on Western Ave selling old things. They had a Japanese-style clay Buddha which was beige in colour on the floor, holding the door open. I thought the shopkeeper would collect a lot of negative karma without knowing if he kept such a holy item on the floor as a doorstop. So I went in to talk to him, but he didn’t look like he wanted to talk or that he even cared. So I asked him the price and he said US$5. I purchased it so he did not collect more negative karma. I was 17 years old and that was in 1982.
I escorted my new Buddha home and washed it lightly and wiped it. I placed it on my altar and was happy with the Buddha. I would do my meditations, prayers, sadhanas, mantras and prostrations in front of this shrine daily. When I left for India in 1987, I could not bring this Buddha along and gave it to a friend. It was a nice size and I made offerings to this Buddha for many years in Los Angeles. In front of the Buddha I placed His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s photo. I remember I was so relieved that the price was affordable. But US$5 that time was still expensive for me but worth it I thought. But I was happy to have brought the Buddha home. Tsem Rinpoche
https://www.tsemrinpoche.com
Tsem Rinpoche at Kechara Forest Retreat, Bentong, Malaysia
H.E. the 25th Tsem Rinpoche is very devoted to his root guru, H.H. Zong Rinpoche.
How touching. Everything happens for a reason. Rinpoche’s childhood struggles and sufferings are what made him today. Just like the butterfly story illustrated below:-
“A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.
Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further. So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.
The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.
What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were nature’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If nature allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!
Hence, karma and obstacles that we go through are a direct and indirect purification for us to “push” us through our spiritual practice. Without which, it could forever make us be in our comfort zone, surrounded by “pleasurable” samsaric environment.
Thank you H.E. Rinpoche for becoming who you are as a direct result of experiencing what you went through. As a result, we are very fortunate to have you in our lives as our precious Guru.
With folded hands.
On one hand it is inspirational that His Eminence Tsem Rinpoche went through so much difficulty and was denied of so much care and given so much ‘crap’ to deal with even as a child. Despite all this Rinpoche only gives the dharma and care to others without expecting anything in return. It only shows what kind of level of mind Rinpoche is at, that he can return love, care and compassion to countless animals, people and sentient beings, despite getting the short end of the stick always. How many of us can give love despite deprived of it.
On the other hand it is quite difficult to fathom what kind of people would bully a young child that they were paid to take care of. Rinpoche has gone way beyond his experiences with the Taiwanese family and I do hope people who read this would feel their situation is not so bad after all and take heart that if Tsem Rinpoche could overcome so many obstacles and people who would just take advantage of him, then everyone else can prevail too.
What great BODHICITTA, Rinpoche truly have. As said, Bodhicitta is the attitude that is based on the great compassion wishing to remove the suffering of all others, and the recognition that to be greatest benefit to both oneself and others. It is ideal to attain enlightenment! Om mani Padme Hung.
Such a poignant recollection of your childhood, Rinpoche. Your epilogue is so heart wrenching that I sincerely wish I knew how to make your pain go away. I pray that one day (soon!), your mom will heal from her pain and accept her past, and that the both of you may reconnect with each other. Thank you with folded hands for sharing this very personal story.
Dear Rinpoche,
Each time I read about Rinpoche childhood remind me on my birth mother too! I cant control my tears those days when think of myself given away by my birth mother. I had changed my thinking now. I learnt from Rinpoche to focus out, forgiveness, stopped wondering…I should put more care to existing parent who brought me up. They give me so much love and care. I love them. I truly wish Rinpoche’s mother will visit Rinpoche one day.
Many thanks Rinpoche for your sharing and teaching.
The divine child who devised his fate and to convey the dharma accepted all tumultous situations presented to him. Compassionate and fearless Bodhisattva please may we please you. Just like in The Wheel of Sharp Weapons Rinpoche is the bodhisattva who thrives on poisonous plants. This life has not been easy for you, but please may we understand the essence of your life and practice your dharma successfully.
Rinpoche life story shows us that, no matter what is the situation, never let it break you, but use the situation to change ourself to be more kind and giving and let go of whatever things that make us unhappy. Tsem Rinpoche is a role model for many of us to emulate.
Even as a child with so much torture and by the foster family, Rinpoche did not show anger and hatred to them, yet He enjoyed the happy moment with his grandmother. not many of us could do that.
Thanks Rinpoche for sharing childhood memories, it is so meaningful to me. Not everyone childhood was happy, just like Rinpoche one. Nothing happen as coincidence so we should not blame someone even our own parents,probably when the time they were not treating us well, they were suffer by finding money, stress from work etc. Because of our karma, that is why we gotta go through some unhappy experience especially childhood that was the time we can not do much things. Forgiveness is the only and best way to release ourselves from unhappiness,so we should do that to everyone who hurt us before.
Rinpoche despite such a bad childhood, grew up to be a respected teacher, who never stops loving all of us. Through the hardships he suffered, he made sure none of us, or anybody on the streets, have to suffer again.
Thank you Rinpoche, for the love you gave, given and giving me.
Rinpoche is so cute and adorable in the picture. 🙂
Rinpoche grew up in challenging conditions. But he is never bitter and always forgiving. By growing up in such situations, this teaches us on perseverance as despite all odds and objections, Rinpoche never gave up on his wish to practice Dharma and became a monk eventually. I hope one day soon Rinpoche’s mother will change her mind and have contact with Rinpoche.
I had this chance to watch Rinpcohe’s childhood during this wesak day, but I couldnt bring myself to watch it as what was done to Rinpoche was really cruel to a kid who was so defenseless.
Cannot really understand why some people can treat kids so badly even though they have been given the money to take care of.
And despite being given up by his own mother, Rinpoche holds on grudges towards her and still hope very much to see her mother. I really wish that Rinpoche’s own mother has read Rinpoche’s calling and that she can change her mind to talk to Rinpoche.
Its really a sad story, giving away own baby child, place him in a cruel family, refusal to meet own’s blood due to guilt and society value, abandon what is most precious and adopted the false facade to live within.
The mother own conscience and guilt will punished her daily, no where can hide no false could be told, she could have gone crazy and insane for this.
A typical tragedy where ignorance and selfishness took place resulted in just pain, in everybody’s heart and soul.
I pray she could have realized one day and the conscience come back to her, before its too late.
We all have our unpleasant memories during our childhood, its actually those things that form us subconsciously whether we admit it or not, but as we grow older we may be continuously getting more and more bitter or more and more forgiving of our past, it’s our choice, TTR have proven to us that indeed it’s very much possible to look at things positively even with the smallest of things. Its all in the mind..thank you TTR for your love…
Dear Rinpoche,
Looking at the picture of you posing with the horse brings back much fond memory of my own childhood. And I can only feel very fortunate to have very loving parents whom I often take for granted and at times disrespect. Looking at the pictures, I see a happy innocent young boy and I wonder, how can anyone inflict so much pain onto this child trusted under their care? But instead of holding grudges and being resentful, Rinpoche actually felt sorry for them because of the situation they were in and tried to find peace on the streets. I feel much pain to know Rinpoche was being treated this way. That kind of situation would have made another person very negative and grow up to be very different. Rinpoche you truly inspire me with how you stayed positive and continued on in all those very tough times.
Love,
Joe
Read this and few other articles related to Rinpoche childhood till he came to Malaysia. Lesson i learn is Rinpoche show us that he never hold on to the past, despite how difficult of lives, never give up to learn Dharma and practice it. Rinpoche is sharing all his story to encourage us to move on to the spiritual path, learn more, practice more and do more Dharma work, and the more difficult of our life or situations, the more Dharma works we need to do.
Thank you to Rinpoche for the sharing.
This blog post should be read by all the children out there! Have them realize how fortunate they are to have their parents around and to receive tremendous amount of love and care from their parents up to their last breath.
Personally, I cannot imagine what I wouldve become today with such a childhood. Don’t think I’ll even be alive still.
Thank you Rinpoche for living this life to show us what suffering is and how fortunate we are but we still don’t realize it. Rinpoche’s life is a teaching of itself.
Rinpoche’s story with the horse would break anybody’s heart. Who wouldn’t on seeing such a helpless boy at such a tender age suffering so much pain due to lack of love n intense abuse n a boy with such an adorable n angelic face.
However, Rinpoche’s stoicism in the face of suffering at such a tender age shows that he was an unusual boy. His courage, endurance n ability to let go of things he loved at that early age has made him what he is today, a charismatic person, full of compassion n understanding n great ability to be resilient in the darkest moments of his life.
Having come to Dharma, I view Rinpoche’s experience from birth n events that follow as karmic. Why? Becausehe had two guardian angels when he was young n helpless: his grandmother n his mother’s close friend in Taiwan. He didn’t stay back in Taiwan to suffer further abuse n become a nobody. He was arranged by his grandmother to be adopted by a family in America.Without his experience n encounter his root Guru n high lamas, we wouldn’t have the blessing of having Rinpoche with us today to benefit us so tremendously.
I would want to tell Rinpoche that I feel n suffer the way he had suffered when he was a child because I’m a mother n a grandmother.To me, altho Rinpoche is a Bodhisattva , he has feelings like all of us. I know Rinpoche’s grandmother had loved him dearly the way I love my grandson. She would have hugged n kissed him with love that could be much deeper than a mother’s love.This fond memories should give solace to rinpoche now n always.
in the world mother is verry amprotain .every mother love child so much .rinpoche mother also love him so much and his grandma also love him so much.even rinpoche given to other people to take care also mother or garndma go to see him make sure he is ok.rinpoche i know how painfull your heart when you didnt meet your mother long time.you are the great prason you are kiness .many people make benifit.love you rinpoche.nani
It’s very heart broken reading about Rinpoche’s unpleasant childhood one after another. Rinpoche is a Bodhisattva. It was said in the sutra that Bodhisattva choose the difficult path to be reborn so that He can benefit and safe all sentient beings.
Hence I believe this must be one of Rinpoche wishes in His last life. Otherwise I couldn’t think of any other good reason for this situation to happen to Rinpoche. I do not think a Bodhisattva like Rinpoche still have to go through His last lives karma.
Many of us may asked how can a mother do this to her own son? How dare she did this to my Guru? Many of us got very angry toward Rinpoche’s mother.
I started to think deeper for Princess Dewa. I feel the pain inside her. The shame, the fear, mentally disturb, hurt and lost that she had to bear during that time all by herself. It must be hell for her and can you imagine a princess who was well brought up, pure and kind, never gone through hardship just because she felt in love the first time, the whole world collapsed on her. she was just 18, all these thing happened and at the same time she had to think how to protect her baby inside her and the father for being punished. She might be told to abort the baby and the father might be killed. She also had to protect her royal family’s reputation. She could had chased out from her family at that time. She’s by herself but no body.
I suppose she put Rinpoche with this poor Taiwanese family was intended to keep the issue low and hope that people may forget about it after a few years later. Well, unfortunately the family was not grateful instead of treated Rinpoche badly.
But after all these years, why is she still do not want to connect back with Rinpoche? Perhaps she feel shame and hard to face Rinpoche especially Rinpoche now is famous lama. Because of all these down fall and fear inside herself that do not want to be the burden to her beloved son. Hence she decided to stay far far away from Rinpoche and live on her own. She might be lonely, old and has no body to depend on but I think whatever she had gone through had made her tough enough to move on.
I believe the Princess Dewa that gave birth to a Bodhisatva is not an original lady.
你有过这样的童年吗？你有过这样的经历吗？
读了仁波切这篇文章后，感觉很心痛，心酸仁波切在这么小的年纪就遭受这么多的身心灵创伤。从小就要面对父母亲和自己分离，又要承受他人剥夺心爱的玩具，衣物等等。自小就得不到疼爱，还要忍受无故的惩罚与无良对待。所有的痛楚，饱受精神的虐待，可想而知那时候的生活对于只有5-6岁的小孩有多难熬。
我也有过类似仁波切的经验，但是那些惩罚都是出自于母爱，起码我是有父母疼爱的小孩，只不过惩罚我的方式有些过了火，对我而言那是虐打，当时我还觉得自己到底是不是捡回来的。直到我长大，懂事之后才知道我母亲在她的童年时期是没有母爱的，时常也会遭到后母毒舌而导致受到父亲虐打，生活过得忐忑不安，还要照顾年幼的弟妹，所有的经历在她成长期早就在心中种下了愤怒及不满，这也导致她在往后管教我的方式和行为是恨的，我在之后才体会及了解我母亲有那样的生活是逼不得已的，她在当时是没有母爱也受不到保护，有谁家的孩子是不想的到疼爱的呐！
为人母亲的我了解全天下的父母都是疼爱自己的孩子的，有些时候甚至可以为了孩子放弃生命的，所以有谁会忍心抛下亲生孩子不理不睬呢？！我了解那是Princess Dewa Nyingbo不想被挑起以往不好的回忆而忍心做出了此决定，那是非常难受的。
我诚心期望Princess Dewa Nyingbo能打开您的心房从新接受尊贵的詹杜固仁波切，您的遭遇并不能阻止您去爱您的孩子，当然仁波切非常的渴望能在您面前叫您一声“妈妈”，给您一个爱的拥抱，尊贵的詹杜固仁波切是值得您去爱惜的！！因为仁波切 所经历的并没有阻止仁波切去付出对众生的爱，仁波切终是以自生的经历与感受来度化众生。
felt pain when finish reading this blog..as a small boy, Rinpoche have to suffer without being taking good care or being love. However Rinpoche can overcome it and forgiving those people by truly compassion.
Dear Rinpoche:
Very sorry to know your childhood. Very sad incident. I can’t hold my tear when reading it especially toward the end of the story. I wish Rinpoche’s happy everyday from now on. I wish very soon your mum open her heart and allow you to keep in touch with her. I wish your dad in good condition always.
Thank you for sharing and take good care.
With love,
VP
昨天，將整篇帖文細細地讀過。仁波切將他年少時的生活趣事，寫得十分生動；讓我看了好像这些所有的事情宛如在昨天發生。仁波切用其很真实的文字一一描述出來。
仁波切寫下的自傳充滿了真誠和很真性情，字裡行間，他想表達的是，他年少時的生活点滴，完全沒有說教的成份。就因為這樣，反而讓人更感興趣地繼續往下閱讀。我的讀後感言是，仁波切很了解每個人的脾性，他了解到現代人在资訊充斥的社會長期生存，日子久了，對资訊已經開始呈現一種麻木的狀態。
因此，他的帖文裡，你看不到說教的文字，可是這些簡單的文字卻讓你回味無窮。它讓你細細地回想和咀嚼，才發覺到原來文字裡，都有它的意義；你可理解否，則看你怎麽去回味和思維，因人而異。
no one can actually imagine there is a sad story behind these adorable pictures. and this kid in these pictures grew into a great person in the future. he is really a great, awesome and compassionate person! =)
What strikes me most is Rinpoche even at such a tender age DOESN’T COMPLAIN no matter in any circumstances Rinpoche’s been put into. Not even to his grandmother when his brand new toy was taken away. I kept thinking in my mind, why not tell grandma the next time she comes? Tell her that they are mistreating Rinpoche. Even as a boy, we can be inspired by Rinpoche’s kind and forgiving nature. I shall remember this always and learn to let go and just take it. No complains required.
I think it is unfair that the child is to bear the consequences of the parents being unable to face what they have created in the first place. In this world, I think selfishness is one of the biggest downfall that we operate out of. Selfishness, to the extent, can lead to a parent giving up their child for fostering as in this case.
Nothing is Rinpoche’s fault but Rinpoche had to ‘suffer’ and take on all that was inflicted upon him from his parent’s decision and lack of responsibility to face the result of their actions.
As a child, I cannot imagine what Rinpoche would have felt like. The feeling of not knowing. I can imagine the many times Rinpoche would question why, or be extremely confused. At such a young age, Rinpoche experienced countless impermanent and ever-changing situations. The coming and going of Rinpoche’s grandma, the coming and going of toys and clothes, the coming and going of who Rinpoche’s ‘parents’ are, the change in what “home” is, the uncertainty of when Rinpoche would next be abused. I don’t know if any kid would be able to go through that alone without any support and grow up to be the compassionate, caring, generous and loving person Rinpoche is now.
Rinpoche, thank you for sharing your past with us to teach us. Many people would not reveal their past for fear of losing face, but Rinpoche uses whatever he can to inspire us so that we can further improve ourselves.
All the stories of Rinpoche’s tough teenage, to me, are examples of “pain without suffering”. In this part or the world, there are so many of us who blame our failure on childhood “history” or “trauma”. Rinpoche is a living example where we don’t need to carry all our emotion burden.
It is OK to have emotional burden, in fact, most if not all of us has emotional burden. It is time to let them go and don’t let them affect us anymore!
Would I have survived such a childhood if I was Rinpoche when he was young, my truthful answer would be a resounding NO. I don’t think I could imagine growing up in such an environment and being treated in such a way. Which brings me to think that it is so true that we got to where we are through the kindness and compassion of others. I do thank Rinpoche’s grandma for overcoming her shame and stigma to take care of her grandchild that was born out of wedlock. Besides the Grandma no one else showed love towards Rinpoche.
Rinpoche is one person with a big heart, he was ill treated during young age, but he never have ill feelings/ hatred towards people who did not treat him well.
Rinpoche’s biography is a testament to Rinpoche’s strength, effort and determination that never ceased to blow away my excuses, obstacles and ignorance. Despite such difficulty Rinpoche does not display any unhappiness or bitterness towards anyone at all unlike most people who would end up doing that at the end….this is truly something I wish to develop myself.
Even today at age 47, we cant blame Rinpoche for still remembering those days vividly, who wouldn’t! Especially the horse which was given to him by his grandmother, representing the deep love and compassion she had for Rinpoche. Rinpoche loved the horse too, which to him at that time was the most exciting gift he ever had, which made a wonderful toy to Rinpoche. As Rinpoche said while looking at the photo, why did all these delimas happened – a bright , smiling healthy young boy being abandoned by his parents without love,but to erase a shame which the boy was not responsible for, yet beaten up, punished and starved. Bengkooi has so expertedly worded out the reason, “the circumstances of where Rinpoche was born, how he was born, even the difficult situations he faced growing up were all by design, to make him a more effective vehicle to spread the Buddhist teachings in our times,” and well supported by one of the 8 verses of thought transformation – “In brief, directly and indirectly I offer aid and joy to all my mothers! May I secretly take upon myself all harm and suffering of my mother!” OM MANI PADME HUM.
Looking at the the story of Rinpoche’s childhood really made me realize how fortunate I was under my parent’s care. And yet, we still not satisfied with what we had. The greed in our self is so high that we only constantly thinking of ourselves only. Rinpoche’s compassion is so high that the love for his grandma and parents is so strong , no matter the kind of childhood he has passed by, he has forgiven all and in the other hand trying to reach for his mum. I really hope one day Rinpoche can be in contact with his mum again.
I just kept thinking what would i end up to be if im in this condition and have to live through with this childhood. It’s always heartache seeing adults abusing innocent child. But i am truly in respect as i knew that Rinpoche’s childhood story did not ends with a tragedy by holding on the pain but Rinpoche continue to spread his love and compassion for every other beings. Thanks Rinpoche. Respectfully.
I also thought what would have happened to me if I was in Rinpoche’s circumstances. I feel Rinpoche’s keep his human spirit alive and live up to a human being no matter what circumstances.
Child abuse, human abuse and human trafficking are still happening at large in this age. It is not well reported in media. To get a wider perspective of things check it out here,
http://www.change.org/topics/humanrights
http://www.change.org/topics/humantrafficking
Rinpoche is really an amazing being. He has gone through A LOT and it was not easy to even write this out and let everybody know. I cannot imagine what will happen to anyone who faces such bad experiences and trauma that Rinpoche went through. I feel many would have given up and ending up being angersome, bitter and do a lot of harm to others because of them couldn’t let go of their past.
I am very puzzled how a mother can just abandon her child after carrying for nine months; is it because of the morning sickness, migraines, and not to mention the pain when in labor? The child is a labor of love; well at least at the time it was conceived. I have heard of and seen unwanted pregnancies, accidents and so forth which by Asian standards mostly, the couple would end up getting hitched. The child will always be the butt of every arguments and fights because all the blame will be on this child. Hello? This is not the faults of the child.
As parents we still check ourselves from time to time to make sure we are not biased towards any one of our children if we have more than one child. I think I can also speak on behalf of all my Buddhist brothers and sisters.
I pray and hope that one day, hopefully in the very near future, our dear Guru will be reunited with his mother after seeing his extraordinary attainments, his zeal for Dharma and of course this blog that keeps track of our gurus great works, his compassion for all living beings and the lives he has touched and transformed.
Just realized how lucky I’m after reading this, gotta be nicer to everyone around.
Dear Rinpoche,
You are still very much like the boy in the pic, sparkly and charming. I really admired your strength and maintaining positive outlook to these days despite the crude treatment in your childhood years. And it even sparks your compassionate heart to even want to do more for the society. I salute you dear Rinpoche.
Rgds,
Andrew Chiam
By reading this blog post, my heart is aching. Rinpoche met tremendous hard time not only when he is a child, even younger time and time when he is in Malaysia trying to spread Dharma. Yet, he still never give up on people.
H.E become monk, give up on the luxury life and fame, learn the Dharma and teaches us. Rinpoche show us the life and the way he handle with the Dharma in him. In Malaysia, i think he is the only Rinpoche that stayed here and make us grow. We are really fortunate to have H.E here with us in Malaysia.
Every time, by reading the hardship that our Rinpoche gone through. i think i should not create more problem to our Guru now, especially when H.E is thinking day and nite to benefit more and more more people; to help people to create merits. I think am as a student, should not give hardship to Rinpoche’s work, I should transform and work towards making my Guru happy, no more tears and heart broken for Rinpoche. I prayed and urged myself to do/ move towards the direction more deepen into Dharma, more serious and mindful. May Kechara grow fast and stronger.
Once again, Thank you Rinpoche, Thank you Guru for always teaching us, reaching to us, be very patient with us. Thank you _/\_
It must be really depressing to be able to receive such wonderful gifts and have them being taken away immediately. However, I believe this all happened out of Rinpoche’s compassion – choosing to be born in such conditions to experience suffering since young.
This article gave me a sense of gratefulness towards my childhood and parents. They made sure I had all the things I need and did not comply when I asked for things that I wanted. I was not happy back then, but now I realize it was a subconscious training of not having too much desires. The love from my parents is immeasurable and I am very fortunate to have been brought up in this a way.
The toy horse must have been a cool thing to have back then, maybe equivalent to the sega console that I wanted. Thanks for sharing another great post Rinpoche.
I have often wondered, if I had a childhood like Rinpoche’s, what would i have ended up as now? I think my answer would be: bitterness, hating the world, blaming my childhood each time I failed in something, or probably even psychotic illnesses.
So here is a classic example of one who took rebirth out of desire (yours truly) and one who is a bodhisattva and took rebirth out of great compassion (Tsem Tulku Rinpoche). The proof: look how he used his experience of his abused childhood and equally trying teenage life to benefit others now.
Dear DR,
That’s a good point. I didn’t think about it but now that I do think about it, I think I would be more of a monster that I already am. Perhaps, I would be more driven to make it and be successful in worldly terms. But I would definitely be emotionally scarred and would have lots of personal issues and problems.
I am not sure if I would turn out to be a serial killer, rapist or just a very angry person. But that’s the amazing thing about Rinpoche. He turned all the hate and pain around into something beneficial. Rinpoche said what made a difference for him was his faith and trust in his spiritual guides and he took the advice that they gave him seriously. So that made Rinpoche very different and that’s what all of us can do with out pain and sorrow because his teacher’s advice came from the Buddhism. That’s what Buddhism can do for you if it is applied consistently and with deep faith.
rinpoche horse so cute. how kind rinpoche grandma she realy love our guru.
Dear Princess Dewa,
Hope you do read this blog . It’s been created by your son for the benefit of all beings . Rinpoche works tirelessly everyday , almost with a sense of desperation to help us all get out of this samsaric mess that we have created for ourselves ! You have every reason to be proud of him . Rejoice wholeheartedly on his achievements , he so humbly deny all the time . You have given birth to a bodhisattva and that certainly makes you a special person . If only you can forgive yrself and Rinpoche’s father and come meet your wonderful son . As a mother myself , I am certain you miss Rinpoche very much and wish to give him hugs and kisses to assure him of your love . As for Rinpoche , He miss and love you a lot . We here in Kechara , are extremely lucky to have him here with us , as his love and care for all of us are beyond words . That love and care and beyond , Rinpoche would very much want to shower on you too !! And it would be great to have you here in Kechara .
With folded hands .
Dear Grace, that is a lovely message to Princess Dewa Nyingbo and it moved me tremendously. Yes it would be wonderful if Her Royal Highness would like to reconnect with her son. It is one of Rinpoche’s dearest wishes to have that special connection that can only exist between mother and son. I know this for a fact because Rinpoche himself has said so, on so many many occassions. I have heard it for myself many times too.
Rinpoche does not bear any ill will towards his mother, and always says it is his karma to not know the love of a mother. It is very sad, but I suppose circumstances have caused things to end up this way. I understand too, that it must be very difficult for Princess Dewa Nyingbo to acknowledge her son after so many years of trying to forget the embarrassing incidents that led to Rinpoche’s birth. However, times have changed, society’s values are somewhat more liberal, and perhaps, just perhaps, mother and son will reunite again.
Maybe Rinpoche may not get to see his mother again but I pray he does. But even with this void in him, he passionately advocates and guides many people to forge a better parental-child relationship, and matrimonial relationship too. I am one of the fortunate to have received the compassion of Rinpoche before my deceased mother passed away on 26.01.2011. Thank you, again, my dear Rinpoche.
Rinpoche’s sad childhood did not deter him from pursuing his goal, to become a monk. If my childhood would have been similar to Rinpoche, I guess by now I would be a totally different person, filled with anger and resentment, jealousy and revenge, or became depressed. But Rinpoche pursued his goal, the goal he brought forth previously, and lives the goal, and we are so fortunate for that.
Reincarnation exists.
What we see Rinpoche now and in this cute photo are very comfortable, joy and more… But when we reading the ingredient we just know that there are many story behind it. So everything we should not see only surface but need to study more in details especially in Dharma.
By this story Rinpoche is the Lotus that come out from unclean base, this will alert me that we should let our next generation to live in a good condition and give then better knowledge include Dharma to avoid them for more inner and outer suffering in future. But the ost important is If we had no enough knowledge about it then how we can share?? So we better be prepared.
Thanks Rinpoche for the sharing, u r so cute in photo and Now…
In this picture, Rinpoche is so cute riding the horse 🙂
Also this story about Rinpoche childhood, it is so touching me and sad. Rinpoche had go through a very difficult life with all the pain in childhood. I’m sure Rinpoche very love his grandma and won’t forget those memories that how much his grandma showered Rinpoche with love.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this post to us, that we can knows more about Rinpoche childhood.
Every time I read or hear about Rinpoche’s childhood, and despite how many times I may have heard it, it brings tears to my eyes and tremendous heartache. At times I even experience anger towards his biological mother Princess Dewa and foster mothers. I am a mother and I find it impossible to ill treat any child, whether mine or not. And when I look at Rinpoche’s photos when he was a kid, he was, and is, still so adorable… It angers me so much to imagine inflicting so much pain onto him. Watch out for KARMA man…. Ok, I shall calm down now. I have compassion….
The real lesson I have learnt from Rinpoche’s plight is courage, tenacity and true compassion. Not only does Rinpoche not blame them, he still loves them and would love to see them again… PLUS, with his suffering which he has endured physically, emotionally and mentally, he converts all that as inspirations and motivation to ensure others do not suffer like him. He gives so much kindness and compassion to many.
I know that he is my Guru and that I should be devoted… Yes this is what we are told…. I agree that it is what I am told, but seriously, Tsem Rinpoche is everything a Lama should be, in fact any human should be. Rinpoche gives me courage, tenacity and compassion. Rinpoche makes me a better person.
I can’t imagine the fact that Ripcohe was a a toddler or at athe age of 5 or 6 wondering till at midnight at the Taiwan streets, without food, water and etc, not been clean up and etc. Yes, the taiwan family was poor, and the fact they took advantage of the USD50 makes them poorer in the sense of humanity, integrity and kindness. In addition, the foster mom and stepbrothers has abused and teased Rinpoche because of his circumstances is beyond words can say.
I truly give my respect to Rinpoche who has not only be able to withstand and go thru this circumstances and yet have this happiness and cheerfulness in him ( as shown in the horse picture) and also to be able to understand the circustamces of his mom and fosters parents sufferings.
With folded palms.
Doreen
Dear Rinpoche, how can it be that someone with a pure karma like you had to suffer so much?
I see good people having bad things happen to them and I think it’s their karma and that I can’t know their whole beginningless story, but you are not an ordinary being. Part of me thinks that you experienced all that you experienced because you are a bodhisattva and you put yourself in hardest situations so that you are able to help others more effectively, this makes sense but I can’t really know. All I know is that you touch my heart with your words, I am very touched by your life events, I am touched by your beautiful picture with the cutest horse! Thanks for sharing your precious memories with us!
I hope that your mother can let go of the past completely, that she gets in contact with you again, she is missing so much, she could regret it.
Dear Sebina,
Yes, I do believe that what Rinpoche went through during his childhood / teenage years are from his prayers in his previous life. Rinpoche is not ordinary. A lot of us are close to Rinpoche and his actions are not of an ordinary person.
Rinpoche had to go through so much. Many of us who has gone through not that much in life has used our pass agianst us. However, Rinpoche has used his pass to benefit others.
It is painful to watch Rinpoche whenever Rinpoche talks about his family. Rinpoche has spend many festive period being alone and without his mom or dad. Until today, his dad has not visited him in Malaysia even though he was invited before.
Until today, Rinpoche’s mom does not want to see Rinpoche or even want to hear anything from him. She has a lot of pain which she finds it hard to let go till today. If Rinpoche could take of his mom physically now, Rinpoche will be the best son/relative she will ever have.
Most of us have all the conducive condition to practice the dharma but a lot of us still use our attachement as excuses. Rinpoche has given 30 years of his life so that we can be benefit. Without that 30 years, we would not have this blog.
Hi Dear Rinpoche: I have my family give me up at 11 years old. I too love my Mom and Dad. They divorced when I was 8 years old. SOmehow I knew somethign was taking care of me something beyond earthly people. Your story inspires me as I continue to forgive them and the people who harmed me verbally, after I left. It was not all bad. I always wanted a HOrse dear Rinpoche and I am 61 this year and now have four horses I do not own yet allowed to interasct with everyweek. You can have horses for free these days , as long as you have the land for them and feed. I manifest this even now no matter this life or the next. HOrses have the ability to balance our energy or so it seems , I see them as teachers or sisters and brothers. LIke you I am so thankful to understand forgiveness. I love my parents with all my heart. When Mom was transitioning over I was helped all the year by a yogi like person I learned various expressions of Love. I had not too much of a realtionship with my Mom, so when she died I was there . I told her I had not regrets , I heard her in my mind say I Love you ( she was too weak to talk) I looked at her a said I know you do and I love you Mom , her eyes went surprised that I heard her in my thoughts. Thank you Dear Rinpoche for sharing your story and a reminder of this story, to forgive, how can I possibly judge what I too may have done to another in another life. Yours was unimaginable to think you had got through all of this you kept on your spiritual path. That is my inspiration to keep on the path , As Jesus said they know not what they do. The physical pain I bare today may it also help in your own Physical healing as I do Tong Len to you or anyone else suffering the same Physical pain. Ridding the llness in the organs, you desrve a long and healthy life. Blessings many Blessings to you Amala Sheilagh
Every time I read about Rinpoche’s bio, it bring tears to my eyes as it is really sad and painful. I too cannot imagine why do people abuse children. Adorable and innocent, what harm can they possibly do for someone to take it out on them?
Am glad at one point that Rinpoche’s grandma showered Rinpoche with love and attention whenever she could. Besides the pain, there are still good and loving memories.
读了这篇文字，还有几篇仁波切书写关于童年的文字，都会发现其中的共同点：仁波切清楚地记得每个细节，包括被宠爱和恶待。但是，当年那个小男孩的脸容，还是今天这位上师的脸容、言语、行动，都不见一丝怀恨、怨恨、懊恼、苦涩。有的却是付出他童年是缺乏的。
过去的不美好，我们可以记在心里，却不必用同样的方式去对待曾如此对待你的某些人和未来岁月里即将遇见的其他人。这些经历反而可以让我们了解别人的需要，所以，我们给予自己不曾拥有的，因为我们知道那是自己和别人需要的。
谢谢仁波切的教诲。
Hope Rinpoche’s mom in USA will one day come to know about Rinpoche’s love for her, times can heal and change a person, may Rinpoche will be able to contact and meet his beautiful mother soon!
I am just blubbering all over when i read how badly Rinpoche was treated when he was a child. It really broke my heart how anyone could treat another so cruelly. Rinpoche was just a tiny little boy yet he suffered so much.
I am also in tears that after what Rinpoche had endured , he is so compassionate, so forgiving and so totally amazing !
Rinpoche , you were soooo cute when you were a little boy that i wish i could pick you up and gave you great big hugs and not let you go 🙂
Heart aching while I was reading this post..!!! Rinpoche has a very unpleasant childhood but you never have the grudge being treated badly and never give up. You show us compassion and forgiveness through action. Thank you Rinpoche for letting Us know your unpleasant childhood. Telling and blogging these unpleasant memories it’s really not easy, it recall all the unhappy memories!! But you want us to know no matter how bad the situation is, never give up!
Thank you for hanging on till today and benefit so many.
We love you.
As cute as the pictures were, there’s a sad story behind it. The pictures does not even show a bit of sadness in Rinpoche’s eyes. I guess that is what they call enjoying the moment call NOW!
I felt much heartbreak reading this post especially the part where Rinpoche expressed the wish to have a relationship with his mum. It struck a chord at the very depth of my heart…It’s really a regret in life not being able to have a close relationship and love from one’s mum. It’s even more painful when you see how they suffered mentally due to some past that haunted them and just blocked themself from you as they are unable to let go of their anger and hatred. A mother’s love is irreplaceable in this world and the lack of it is extremely damaging to a person’s self esteem & confidence later in life. I used to feel bitter as I couldn’t make any sense out of it but after listening to Rinpoche’s teachings on how we ourselves created the causes and coupled with migtsema, I was able to let go of much of the emotional baggage I have been carrying for many years. I couldn’t have done it myself. Much thanks and gratitude to Rinpoche.
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Rinpoche, your childhood stories are so heart-wrenching.
The teaching about being not attached to things you love was so cruelly forced on you, as in the immediate removal of your beloved toy-horse the moment your grandmother was out of sight.
I wish and hope that your mother, in America, reads this blog post as well as the previous one :”You haven’t seen the last of me”.I am very sure that these words from this earlier post will touch her deeply as it has touched me and all the mums who read this(I am sure):
” I will rise and be proud of me although you are not or so it seems. I hope that will change. I hope one day you will also contact.. because I know I am worth your love”.
Dear Rinpoche, it is your compassion for your mum that is speaking out here. You don’t want her to create negative karma because of how she cannot let go and forgive. It’s been so many years.
看完这一遍RINPOCHE的童年往事，真让人伤感。在这样恶劣的环境下成长并没有让他学坏或放弃自己，真的难能可贵。长大后立志学佛，做所有能利益众生的事。。。真的是佛的显现！我们除了感激还是感恩！！
Rinpoche’s childhood story always make me a red nose Rudolf. This caretaker whom is mentioned here is Mama Shi. I met her in Taipei a few years ago. I heard that her children did not treat her well.
Rinpoche’s growing up years wasn’t easy or pleasant with so much abuse and negligence yet Rinpoche did not hold on to that pain but moved on and spread the dharma which brought tremendous benefits to others. Your love and care has touched the hearts and lives of many people!
Again the compassion that Rinpoche display is immeasurable!
So much pain and so much suffering as a child, yet against all odds, Rinpoche didn’t hold grudges in him. Instead when Rinpoche was a little older, Rinpoche continue his passion for dharma that was imprinted in him from his previous life, to learn dharma and to practice dharma.Dharma and bringing Dharma to everyone’s doorstep is awalys Rinpcohe’s main priority and nothing else matter.
Dear One–So much pain and suffering. It is logical to think about karma. But—In these cases I feel it was their karma to have you in their world — perhaps so they could have such a special one in their world and learn lessons. Just by you being near you allowed their karma to cleanse.
This is my view. Respectfully.
The family that took you in received money to feed themselves. The other children did not starve because of you and ‘your’ $50. This was a lot of money for food.
Perhaps the horse was another lesson about not clinging. You never had anything long enough to cling to—attachment was not an issue… … they made me smile.
I am sorry for the suffering you had but your strength is awe inspiring to so many. I thank you so much for being candid and sharing these stories. You are truly an inspiration. I hope any of the suffering from childhood can release itself out of your cellular memory —and in return the great loving essence of the great ‘Divine Mother’ can fill you up with healing love and precious blessings.
As an addendum/correction–I was talking about your boots from another blog that was in the comment above–“they made me smile” — was about your boots in L.A.–but somehow that was deleted.
Haha Cheryl, yes those boots were a classic. Rinpoche has told us many stories about those boots and where he went in them, and his VW beetle.
I agree with what you say about Karma… Rinpoche, being humble as usual, will put himself down to the same level as the rest of us, seeming afflicted with negative karma and a lack of control. But of course, that is not the case, as Rinpoche is beyond the dictates of karma from his own attainments.
So the circumstances of where he was born, how he was born, even the difficult situations he faced growing up were all by design, to make him a more effective vehicle to spread the buddhist teachings in our times. This is respectfully my opinion, and I believe it to be true.
Even though Rinpoche was poorly treated as a young boy, he never harboured any ill feelings towards his Taiwanese foster family. His most exciting gift from Grandma was a toy horse that even the care takers took away to hide when Grandma went home after the visits.