My Loneliness and Longings…..
Dear friends,
Since very young in New Jersey I would look for pictures of mountains and lakes. I’ve never fancied oceans. But lakes with forests, mountains and greenery really attract me. It was not just an attraction to a scene, but it touched something very deep inside of me. A feeling to be there or I belong there was very strong in me. I would be excited and wish to be there. I would look for books to see mountains with forests and I still do. I even keep posters of mountains/forests these days and stare at it. I know I belong there. I wouldn’t be lonely at all. I visualize that I am there.
Now three decades later, I still haven’t gotten the chance to live in such a place although I long for it very much. I wish for it very much. A house near a lake or river with mountains and forests is what I long for. I don’t know when I can achieve this, but my ‘work’ and ‘duties’ keep me from it.
A house in the mountains would be my dream and do practice. No politics, mind games, not many people, not many worldly proprieties to be forced into doing. No fundraising, no events, no convincing others, not having to answer tons of questions, answer tons of doubts. Be subjected to unfair scrutinies and unnecessary comments. Year after year to explain what I am doing or beg, cajole and ask people to help. No more dealing with instabilities, unstable people, unreliable people, and ungrateful people. I don’t dislike them, but they sure make the work extra hard. I wish to be in the mountains not so much to escape from all this, but to do what I really want-practice. If it was escape, I wouldn’t have longed for this even when I was very young. Well a blog is where you share yourself both pleasant and unpleasant thoughts I guess, so I am sharing in my e-journal here.
I am not a people person. I don’t fancy positions and titles for the sake of it. I am not into competitiveness nor social gatherings. I am not into business if I don’t have to be nor into wealth for the sake of it…but I do wish to have a house in the mountains ( a lake would be nice without it being hot always), a large statue of a Buddha inside and plenty of offerings. I would love to walk to the lake with buckets and collect water for water bowl offerings. Have a butterlamp burning 24-7 in this abode of mine to the Buddha. Then go for walks in the evening sun in the mountains, or sit by the lake and chant Om Mani Peme Hung meditating on the Lord of the Lotus, Avalokitesvara. How exciting and thrilling. To be in this mountain house or lake and gain attainments making me equipped to benefit others like my gurus. Maybe my retreat hut is what my teachers asked me to do, to bring dharma to others. My retreat hut is what I am doing now…..I guess and have to believe.
In all my life, on a personal basis, I have gotten very little of what I wanted. I was not able to go after what I wanted. I always followed what my teachers advised…I am very ok with that. I am not bitter, just sharing my thoughts. If it was not for monkhood, I would have pursued being an actor and benefit the dharma through financial support for sure. But a deep sense of purpose pervaded me to do dharma in any way… I wanted to do dharma in the mountains very much as a monk… Or be an actor in the US to earn money for the Monasteries. I didn’t pursue acting although offered, and become a monk and join the Monastery. When I got to the Monastery I decided to settle down and be happy there. I loved the Monastery. Even in the Monastery, I wanted to go to North India for a few months yearly to be in the mountains to do retreats. All that was not possible when Lati Rinpoche asked me to go abroad to teach. I didn’t want to. I dare not refuse Lati Rinpoche. By following Rinpoche’s advice, the road of my life just changed forever. I didn’t want to have students, or have a centre and raise funds–that just was not me. Not what I want to do. These days I am considered a spiritual teacher, but you know what? I don’t enjoy that at all. I don’t wish for it at all. I wouldn’t mind if I can be replaced. I tried. It didn’t work. I do what I am doing because Lati Rinpoche asked me to. I don’t do it grudgingly but I do wish I could of stayed in the mountains and Monastery. I do it because I trust my teacher. I trust my teacher and his instructions even going on two decades now. I may not want to do what I am doing, but I am going to do it all the way because why follow my teacher’s instructions only half way and pretend I am doing it all the way? That is not me also.
Lati Rinpoche passed away, but I must keep his instructions in my heart and fulfill it because he is much more far advanced in his thinking than me… He has a purpose for me to do this and I will realize this purpose. Until then, I will keep doing it and fulfill it. I have committed to my teacher, benefiting others and dharma and it is worth it. I know it is. If I don’t do what my teacher has told me to do and I escape into the mountains to meditate, I wouldn’t gain attainments anyway. Because I am there for me and not my teacher’s attained method to help me. Definitely his method would be better than mine.. So no matter how eloquently I explain to others why I am in the mountains to justify what I am doing, the bottom line is I wouldn’t gain attainments. Attainments arises from surrendering your ego and the teacher helps you find a method in his infinite experience/knowledge to ‘prescribe’ the antidote for it. You ‘surrender’ your ego to the teacher and hence trust the methods. You don’t surrender yourself to the teacher. The teacher then gives you instructions and what methods to overcome your ego and in my case what I am doing now. To abandon that and do what I think is right, would be indirectly saying my teacher is wrong. Or I am better than my teacher. How can that be? My teacher has spent many decades in the dharma, practicing dharma, and living in the dharma and I have not, hence the dharma is a direct counter to the self absorbed harmful ego. Hence from his infinite experience I would benefit if I followed. It’s like having trust and just following a great surgeon to heal a big disease. You don’t know enough to debate and counter the treatments. After checking the surgeon out and gaining trust, you follow instructions for your healing. You surrender your disease to the surgeon NOT YOURSELF. Same as with the guru.
I long for the house in the mountains EVERYDAY. My duties, responsibilities and what I wish to achieve is very heavy. So I MUST ACHIEVE AND FULFILL MY DUTIES. These are more important than my retreat house in the mountains. Deep inside of me, sometimes tears drop like rainshower because my duties are heavy, and I don’t have enough of what I need to accomplish it both in manpower and resources. I do have some great fabulous people, but I need more…The instability in some people is one of my biggest disappointments and stumbling blocks. The feeling of not being able to rely or believe in them is a huge stumbling block. Many minds flip back and forth…or waste so much time…on activities that bring zero happiness to themselves and others. It’s painful for me to know this and watch the drama unfold. It’s like watching a movie that you have seen hundreds of times before… and you know the plot. It’s frightening to know the plot and watch them go through it and end up with so much pain…
Finding people with true integrity is like finding a 20 carat diamond on the road. Life is so short, yet so many get caught up and entangled in the net of useless activities…and not keep their promises and elaborate with so many justifications.I feel for them..I do feel for them, because the justifications can be seen clearly 99% of the times as baseless and empty.. Nothing much can be said to them for fear of always offending them, as they don’t have the knowledge to form the basis to realize what is going on. So when they don’t have the knowledge as a basis to explain more, you don’t explain more and wait patiently for a future time when they can understand. But unfortunately when they do finally understand, they have already trapped themselves in bills, commitments, offsprings, depressions, or tough habituations. Somehow most of the time I know that, I don’t give up, but not much can be done. I just watch with sadness and tears…Sometimes I think, another precious human life wasted. How many more rebirths will they have to undergo before a golden opportunity will arise again.
These mountain pics sent to me by Girlie Ooi really makes me feel lonely but I love looking at them. Looking at them brought up the thoughts I wrote above. What I wrote above is not meant to hurt, offend, or point fingers at anybody…heavens no! But they are thoughts in my mind. I am not lonely for people but a place, practice and scenario. But in my loneliness I need to still do what I have promised to my teachers. After all, whatever my longing is I can’t make go away, but the instructions my teachers have given me, I can trust them and go all the way with it..and I will.
I wish in this life and future lives I can stay in this type of environment and do intense practice if it would be a benefit ultimately. For now, in my longing/ loneliness I can just look at these pictures. I have always looked at pictures of this sort and all I can do is to keep looking at them…and maybe one day…..
Tsem Rinpoche
I would throw mani pills in this lake to bless the animals. I would also erect a beautiful Green Tara stone statue on the edge of this lake again to bless all the beings seen and unseen.
My retreat house would be built around 25 feet away from this river… I could hear the sounds of this river. I could fetch water from here to make offerings with. I could sit by the river to meditate on Avalokitesvara and put seeds to gain his compassion.
I would shout mantras at these beautiful animals so they can get the imprints of enlightenment in their mindstream. Medicine Buddha, Avalokitesvara, Tsongkapa, Tara, Manjusri mantras would be perfect for them!
I would go for walks here in the evening sun after my practices…I would make new butterlamps… to prepare to burn for the next days.
I would sometimes come here and set up a place to do pujas… pujas to bless my winds, channels, drops and sublte mind… pujas to bless the environment and beings therein. I would sit here for hours reading dharma books.
Wow… imagine if this is my Tsem Ladrang!!! Inside the red roof was a large huge 10ft statue of Vajra Yogini!! (So what I want…wish I can have a place here and hang out there on weekends or more)… And behind Vajra Yogini’s chapel is my place… this would be like the perfect place for me to live, practice, abide and die…
Going for a morning walk with my mumu… wow
This is not my house, because I built my house already near the lake already, remember? But this is nice too… hehehe
Hmm… what a beautiful place to recite 10,000 Om Mani Peme Hungs a day… or 10,000 Om Ah Ra Baza Nadees a day here!!! I would build a large outdoor stone Manjushri statue here to bless everything.
Anyways, these are some of my thoughts and wishes.
Tsem Rinpoche
P.S. In my life and for many others too, I rarely got to really do what I wanted…but it’s not a cause for bitterness or anger..I just do what I can with the situation at hand…and see with the situation at hand, how can I benefit others? How can I make this situation to help others to win, learn, advance and spiritually benefit? I guess when you do your best to focus on others,then you are less unhappy. You don’t have time to focus on your unhappiness. And when you have brought hope, love, direction, and purpose to many others and they keep thanking you (if they don’t it’s ok also) and smiling and you know you did that..HOW COULD YOU NOT BE HAPPY????? I will get to the mountains some day, but I keep thinking, maybe I am already there now….
(The above are beautiful pictures not open to tourists in Kashmir-the environment is like Heaven on Earth..this is what I envision Vajra Yogini’s Kechara Paradise to be like.)
This is the original lighted signboard of Kechara Paradise conceptualized by me and painted by Aunty Vivien, a friend and student of mine. The image of this signboard brings back many memories of the old days when Kechara first started. Back then, there was no Kechara House or other departments. Kechara Paradise was a gathering place for my students and friends as well as an outlet. I gave many Dharma teachings and met many of my students and friends there. It was from there that Kechara grew to where it is now with 13 departments all geared towards manifesting Kechara World Peace Centre, a centre for learning and holistic healing.
The image of the signboard has significant meaning. The Dharma Wheel represents the Buddha’s teachings which are likened to a wheel that moves from one place to another according to the changing conditions and karmic inclination of people. The Dharma Wheel flanked by a male and female deer symbolizes the stages of the path of Highest Yoga Tantra. The radiant sun behind the mountains symbolize the Dharma radiating to many countries throughout the world bringing peace and happiness to many beings. The rainbow symbolizes Kechara Paradise, the paradise of Buddha Vajrayogini that is achieved through the practice of the Highest Yoga Tantra of Vajrayogini.
The image of this old vintage signboard reminds me of all the challenges and struggles that Kechara has gone through during its early days. I thank all the people who have contributed their time, effort, financial and other resources to bring Kechara to where it is today.
I want you to note that, the happy scene I depicted here is the mountains, animals, stream, flowers, green, sun, rainbows and dharma in the middle of all this. My longing to be in the mountains is projected onto this first signboard of our Kechara Organization. The mountains has always been with me. I thought I’d share this signboard with you… This signboard has been up for nearly 8 years, now it has been changed. But we are going to frame it and put it in Kechara Care Dept’s memorabilia hall. Another note, these days when we have special events, our people always see rainbows….and in this signboard I made sure there was a rainbow to depict happy times are ahead…
Tsem Rinpoche
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Look at beautiful pictures of mountains and lakes are Rinpoche past times since young. Ever since then Rinpoche dream to stay near a lake or river with mountains and forests…..a home call home do intense practice. As Rinpoche ‘s promise to his Gurus , Rinpoche will carry on whatever happened. Reading this post of Rinpoche’s thought , longing and loneliness , I have a sense of loneliness as well but it different from Rinpoche. I do feel peaceful and the quiet environment, breathing fresh air up in the mountains. Spending some time alone with nature and broaden my views. The beauty of nature can have a long effect on how we look at things. Rinpoche journey is truly inspiring and I wish Rinpoche ‘s dream will materialise soon. I will do my best to learn as much as I could, and practice dharma, which I have learned from scratch, nothing to something , I do truly appreciate so much with folded hands.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing your thoughts with us.
1984 Los Angeles-Left to right: Geshe Tsultrim Gyeltsen, His Holiness Kyabje Zong Rinpoche, monk assistant to Zong Rinpoche and the 18-year-old Tsem Rinpoche prior to ordination. Read more- https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/category/me
Previously, I wouldn’t even want to give a thought about living in the mountain but now, I’m longing for it. I’m longing for a quiet and beautiful place like this. So vast and it seems limitless!
I’m longing to practice Dharma wholeheartedly, I need more time to learn and practice, and the best is to practice under the guidance of Rinpoche and also with a group of like minded people. (Hehehe, because I’m afraid to grow old alone, I guess. )
More importantly, I can practice Dharma freely without being scrutinised by others, being looked upon as weird by others and to practice with a Guru without having to “please” everyone and or being watched closely as if we will take advantage of the Guru or maybe being labelled as too “close”.
Have to concern in so many things that we tend to forget the first pure thought on why we wanted to practice Dharma in the first place. *Sigh
But, I will not forget that we should strive to practice Dharma the best that we can in our current circumstances. I still have many other things to be happy at such as living near fields and seaside. Find every reasons to continue and stop justifications. Thank you Rinpoche for sharing your thoughts and it reminds me for who we are and the purpose of why we want to practice Dharma. Nature is the best and I’m long for it too ~
Tsem Rinpoche at Kechara Forest Retreat, Bentong, Malaysia
Definitely believe that which you stated. Your favorite justification seemed to be on the net the easiest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I definitely get irked while people think about worries that they just do not know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top and also defined out the whole thing without having side effect , people could take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thanks
I don’t always agree with your posts, but this was dead on, way to go!
It would be nice to study with a teacher in the mountains too, and only have to answer to him and do pure practice instead of having to deal with a lot of people who judge you because u don’t have money, or want to take ur money, or want to encourage you to do everything but practice. but we live in a capitalistic material world, now there are no mountains where one can meditate in without getting arrested for trespassing. And temples are political nightmares, instead of meditating i constantly have to worry about who is saying what. It’s such a nitemare sometimes I wish to just have a normal life, buying and selling, working a little job and going home to my cat and a teevee dinner… more peaceful than any temple i know
Dear Terri, your comment is funny and frank. Thank you..keep it coming. Tsem Rinpoche
We must have faith in our Guru, faith comes in many forms.
We can have faith in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha, or in the law of Karma. Faith precedes all qualities, nurtures good qualities and increases them all. It is my belief that all these are shown in Rinpoche’s above blog for us to follow.
Rinpoche heartfelt message and thoughts here, is having the firm belief that your Guru is a Buddha. He is the foundation of all realisations. As we regard a Buddha, we should regard our Guru. This will allow us to see his quallities and not be inclined to discern his faults. It is his good qualities that we wish to emucate and not his faults, if any.
Such faith is said to be pivotal to success in gaining realisations, and the extent of realisation gain is dependable on the strength of out faith. Without faith even if you spend your entire life with a Guru who is actually a Buddha, you will not be able to see his infinite qualities, but only project faults and ultimately sustain a loss, as in the words of a certain Sutra:
“In those who lack faith,
Pure Dharma will not grow.
Just as burnt seeds,
Will never sprout.”
Thank you so much Rinpoche, for showing us the way!
Uncle Eddie
(Aug.10, 2010)
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for your thoughts. I like it very much. As usual I can never express what I want to say. Yes Rinpoche I can feel and imagine and feel your longing with pictures make me feel that I am also there enjoying the peace and tranquility of the environment that you describe. You mentioned loneliness. No it is not that type of loneliness people percieve to be. But serenity, peace and tranquility is what you want. I am not good at expressing my thoughts. But I want to tell you I share the same thoughts with you.
Anila
some time dreem also become true.if we do small hand and big hand togethere can be hepan.we do nothing.only we thing my my meme.we no time to thing for other.we like to walk may way .but we cant found the good way.we need hight.1 day 1 minet we like to become buddha how can?and we never fallow guru.kwpc our rinpoche dreem.we can make it.we must do hard work.
To me Rinpoche is an enlightened being and has chosen to be amongst the Malaysian people to spread dharma. Taking everything into perspective, the message I get here is we all have inner desires but we must be prepared to put them aside for a greater good and that is to spread dharma to the masses. And dharma work will not end until all sentient beings become enlightened. So it is really a life after life after life … ‘vocation’ and for one who is already enlightened, the chosen path is clear – it is one of samsaric and nirvanic excellence (a longing to go into nirvana and yet at the same time, a longing to remain in samsara to help mother sentient beings).
Rinpoche:
I live in Colorado, so I know this of which you speak, even though I live in the city. Here’s an idea – there are many Tibetan and other Buddhist lineage retreat centers that have been built in Crestone, CO. Perhaps at some point you could establish one. For instance, Khenpo Thrangu Rinpoche has one. Then you could also build a private hermitage for yourself.
I spent the other week with friends from Gaden Sharste. Perhaps you know my dear friend (and one of my teachers) Lharampa Geshe Venerable Kunchok Tenzin?
http://www.gadenshartsecf.org/tour-bios/
Anyway, they have gone down to Telluride and then will be going up to Aspen where I may see them again this weekend. Reading your blog post here, I thought you might enjoy some pics of Geshe-la and the other monks up at the top of the Rocky Mountains this past week and in Telluride (pictures from Ven. Jangchub Chophel):
http://www.gadenshartsecf.org/independence-pass/
http://www.facebook.com/czieve?v=wall&story_fbid=1342240642868#!/album.php?aid=2045065&id=1309554160
&
http://www.facebook.com/czieve?v=wall&story_fbid=1342240642868#!/album.php?aid=8061&id=100001196869400
Also, His Holiness The Dalai Lama concecrated the beautiful Great Stupa here in Colorado a couple of years ago:
http://www.shambhalamountain.org/living_peace_hhdl.html
May all your and all sentient beings wishes be fulfilled.
-Nyima /
Dear Rinpoche
i’m touched by your feeling of loneliness, because i feel it too sometimes. i’m not even a member or a student but i’ve been following your teachings through many forms lately. i’m also involved with kechara soup kitchen in more ways than one and hope my contribution helps.
Came across these beautiful words and like to share with your Eminence…
May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You’re never alone
Never alone
I’ll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn’t goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You’re never alone
You’re never alone, for the simple fact, that i’m sure all your students are behind you.
This beautiful lyrics may be copied from the song “Never Alone” by Lady Antebellum but its sincerely sent to you from me.
Dear Rinpoche,
The pictures of your dream home and place of retreat are so peaceful and beautiful. It also makes me think of words from a poem by Robert Frost:
‘The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep…’
Dear Rinpoche, this is my heartfelt response to your most poignant and heartwarming words.
‘Our Lama’s heart bleeds
Not for the loneliness
Nor the yearning of a dream unfulfilled,
No, It is the anguish of a heart in torment
At the vision of His students
In our flip-flop dalliance with the precious Dharma
And our broken vows and broken samaya.
He sees the plot and drama of our lives
Play out amidst samsara’s illusion and deceit.
He sees this golden opportunity of a meaningful life
Lived lovingly in Dharma and with Guru Devotion.
Such a life that must surely lead to happiness
That comes through love and cherishing of mother beings.
But…alas..He sees this golden opportunity
Slip through our fingers……..
In pain, He sees us wreck our hopes for happiness,
As we clutch at samsara’s appearance of ‘Wonderland’.
Then, suddenly,in the midst of out distractions,
He sees the fearful Lord of Death issue his summons!
Thereafter, He sees us plunged yet again
Into the whirlpool, the hell-pits of samsara
To play out our sufferings yet again
In eons of uncontrolled miserable rebirths.
Dare we hope that we may then look up and, once again,
Behold the face of our precious beloved Lama?
This King of Dharma,
Who out of unique great compassion,
Has come to us
From innumerable lifetimes across samsara
To tame our unruly minds
And set us free.
Dare we falter now?
Dare we fail our Lama?’
Rinpoche, I’ve learnt from this article, that , even with your loneliness and longings Rinpoche didin’t wait for the perfect condition to do your ‘dharma practice’. And because of your ‘dharma practice’ ,regardless of location and place you were at, Kechara House with it’s many departments were born , which will benefit countless people. In one of Rinpoche’s earlier talks, Rinpoche warned us about individualizing our problems. Maybe that includes individualizing our conditions as well ? It made me think just for a while , where I was . I’m in samara , not in paradise. ( although sometimes when times are good I do feel like it for a while ). Samara with all its sentient beings, sufferings and karma all jumbled up, what can we expect from being here ? Can I wait for all my difficulties to go away before I do dharma practice ? Can I wait till I have this material facility first and this condition fulfilled first before I take my dharma practice more seriously ? Do I need certain conditions to be met first before being kind to people ?
Dear Firefly,
Attachment is when u want something and what His Eminence is saying is only a wish but Rinpoche also knows that His Guru’s wishes for Him come first and that is why this is only His wishful thoughts, not necessary to act on. However, we, being Rinpoche’s students trying to practise Guru Devotion should do our level best within our means and power to give our Guru some form of comfort and peace of mind for His Eminence’s own practice.
I for one, wish my Guru to achieve enlightenment definitely, however, I also wish His Eminence long life because we need His Guidance too. Catch 22 ain’t it?
After reading the article, I feel that Guru devotion is like a patient’s trust in the doctor. As doctors , we face difficulty to treat patients who question the doctor’s diagnosis, mode of treatment even explicit explanations have been given. Some patient who are “educated” try to modify the doctors treatment by choosing his own medications that he thinks is right and not follwowing the exact prescriptions given. Some patients start having doubts of the doctor’s qualification when meeting a young-looking doctor. I feel that the patient-doctor rapport is very similar to guru-disciple relationship. The main fifference is doctors charge consultation fees , but GURU advice is free of charge. of course, as there are bogus doctors around, we cannot blame the patient for checking the background of the doctor. Hence, I realise that after one has done enough “investigations” and decided to see the doctor, he should follow the doctors advice and management. Although the treatment prescribed may be different from another doctor, one should understand that the doctor always tailor to the individual needs with the ultimate aim of curing the diseased. Therefore, the patient should not confuse himself by comparing. By seeing as many patients as we can, we gain more experience and become a better healer. So, by helping more people/ sentient beings, we cultivate more Bodhicitta before we become Buddha to liberate all from sufferings. We thank Rinpoche for his sacrifice by coming to teach in Malaysia. We wish to learn the spirit and total committment of Rinpoche along the path of dharma.
oh i do think i will get fired hard at for saying this but isn’t this like a huge attachment? We are always taught in Buddhism that the important thing that truly brings happiness and peace comes from inside, not outside.
anyway, i love nature very much too and am very attached to it… hee hee…
What a sweet, touching and beautiful way to teach us the essence of Guru devotion which is to overcome one’s self cherishing.
By taking on the role of a disciple, Rinpoche is showing us how, as his students , we should think in the same logical manner. Rinpoche brought himself to our level to encourage us to overcome the same emotions he shares with us too with regard to personal likes and dislikes.
The advice is so clear, on the operating table , it do us no good to argue or doubt the surgeon we have chosen.
May we never be without our Lama and Guru who can protect and guide us in this and future lives.
Rinpoche’s wish is simple…just a house in the mountains next to a river. It’s not difficult to fulfill; he could have realized it had he not followed his Guru’s instruction.
Rinpoche shows us the real practice of guru devotion – doing what your Guru asks you to do even though it’s really against your own wish.
There’s no need to say anymore…
May I have the strength to persevere on the Path.
May my Guru not feel lonely anymore.
May your students show results that you wish for them.
Just think… If even ONE of us quits monkeying around and attempt’s to gain Rinpoche’s level of Dharma knowledge… We could send him off to a wonderful peaceful ‘retirement’. I must say no-one in the world could replace Rinpoche, though, for me.
When you do what is asked of you (by Rinpoche), You have- because of that action alone, committed more than enough time and resources to build a ladrang by the river for your Dharma instructor or Guru or Spiritual friend.
With Dharma Love,
-Josh Akers
There are no more words, only deeds left to show.
There is no more running, hiding or denying
As the truth has already been shown
Many numerous times to us all
Those who believe will go all the way
Will never be left behind
Those who trust in YOU
Will become the Light onto themselves
But those who don’t
Sad to say
Will have to bear their own consequence
We are so foolish to waste our lives away
We are so silly to think
That better pastures lie beyond
Our Guru, Buddha, Dharma and Sangha
How many more years do we have at hand?
Will we always be this fortunate?
Perhaps never again.
Thank you for sharing this deeply moving and painfully honest post, Rinpoche.
I finally was able to read this entire post and I do relate to your sense of longing because Rinpoche has often candidly shared with me what Rinpoche feels. I do remember the many stories that Rinpoche told of childhood cycling to a creek to do hours and hours of meditation amidst a similar setting. I loved those stories because I could tell that Rinpoche really enjoyed those times although it was a long time ago.
Rinpoche’s story do remind some of us ungrateful students what Rinpoche has to put up to establish the Dharma here in Malaysia. There are times, we….well I do take Rinpoche for granted for Rinpoche’s protective presence here with us. Thank you Rinpoche for this wonderful post that reveals Rinpoche’s longings and burdens. I realise how steadfast Rinpoche is in upholding the commitments with your Guru. The commitment is not a commitment, it seemed to have become a part of Rinpoche and is not a separate wish. I find that truly inspiring and hope to be part of that commitment in some way.
I do hope with KWPC, Rinpoche’s dream would be realised and the rest of Rinpoche’s life could be spent at last in the house of Rinpoche’s dream. It would be any student’s honour to assist Rinpoche towards having that dream realised.
Dear Rinpoche,
I am very glad for your strength and guru devotion. If it wasn’t for you choosing the path of coming to Malaysia and doing the great things you have done and are doing, I wouldn’t have known what to do or what would have happened to me at times of trouble. I deeply appreciate your teachings and how you teach from the dharma and your vast experience.
I do not have the ability or the resources right now. But when the day comes and i stand on both my feet again, it would be my honour to build a Ladrang by the river for your practice. Until then, i will pray more and do my very best to practice dharma as you have taught.
With much love and respect,
Wee Liang
Although i am not a disciple, i highly respect Rinpoche; for his teachings have benefitted me immensely! In fact, Rinpoche has helped me to become a happier Dharmafarer in my own lineage of practice. Such a WONDERFUL TEACHER is RARE! Please APPRECIATE RINPOCHE and always make him HAPPY! ‘Kamsia Che-che’ Rinpoche!
Oh Thank you so much Rinpoche. Thank you so much for your patience with us. All your blog is full of lessons..A deep deep feeling awaken inside me as I read Rinpoche blog and especially in this passage.
“… Nothing much can be said to them for fear of always offending them, as they don’t have the knowledge to form the basis to realize what is going on. So when they don’t have the knowledge as a basis to explain more, you don’t explain more and wait patiently for a future time when they can understand. But unfortunately when they do finally understand, they have already trapped themselves in bills, commitments, offsprings, depressions, or tough habituations. Somehow most of the time I know that, I don’t give up, but not much can be done. I just watch with sadness and tears…”.
When we are in resistance, there is no space in us to plant the dharma seed that could grow in us. We are so full of ourselves that there is no room in which to place what Rinpoche has to offer, no space to take it in , as much as Rinpoche might loves us and appreciates us. I see Rinpoche as a role model. Rinpoche gives us so many tools and practices to work with but if we are not using them, we are wasting our time and especially Rinpoche’s precious time.
We can also put our resistance, our irritation, our time concerns and our victim position aside and serve the other with kindness and generosity.
Rinpoche is so patient with us and full of compassion towards us.
Let’s “shaping up”, to do everything in our ability including being ruthlessly self-honest and showing our gratitude and taking our responsibility with the out most of seriousness as Rinpoche does all the time, non stop, day and night in every way.
After reading the above posting, I can’t help but having this guilty feeling of being one of the contributing factors of causing so much pains and sufferings to Rinpoche as I see myself as one in the category of “instabilities, unstable people, unreliable people, and ungrateful people”.
If not because of Rinpoche’s strong guru devotion to Lati Rinpoche and Rinpoche’s relentless efforts in spreading dharma at all costs, beings like me would not have the second chance to tap into H.E. dharma teachings, words of wisdom, and his dharma works.
I not sure how, but I sincerely hope that in near future I would be at full service to H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche and Kechara House in whatever dharma works or duties in realising Rincoche’s vision of KWPC.
Perhaps Lati Rinpoche was fulfilling your wishes after all. If Lati Rinpoche had not asked you to teach… Certainly you would have ended up in the mountains, but, what if you could not stay there for some unknown/unforseen reason like a disease? Maybe he saved you from a worse fate in the long term.
He must know how much you enjoy mountains. Perhaps it’s just taking longer than you hoped to go, due to Lati Rinpoche thinking on a long term time scale. You think you have been asked to walk down a demanding teaching path, when in reality, you are going to be a mountain man for the next 100xxx lifetimes and you will be known as the Mountain-Lake House Buddha, in the future! What if Lati Rinpoche knew he was actually putting you on the fastest route to get there?
If Lati Rinpoche knew, at that moment he asked you to teach, that mountains and a lake were actually the best/fastest ‘road’ for you to take, wouldn’t he have asked you to go into the mountains?
That sounds logical to me, Your Eminence.
Thank you for sharing, with us, your secret Mountan-Lake man wishes.
With Dharma love,
PS: I know how annoying I can/have been a few times, sorry. I am saying this on my own, I am not saying this because I think you have ever disliked me.
-Josh Akers
I do sympathize. I have always been drawn to snow mountains (not so much lakes), despite growing up in Texas, where there are no real mountains to speak of. I also dreamed of Tibetan-style temples / monasteries, which I never encountered until my twenties, when I was fortunate enough to travel across Asia (including Tibet and the Himalayas) during a sort of Wanderjahr. Living in Taiwan, I do miss these, but I am fortunate enough to have a wife and career here. (We honeymooned in Kashmir / Ladakh, by the way!)
Have you considered taking a few months for a vacation / retreat? This seems like a reasonable compromise that might help you avoid either disobeying your guru (Vajrayogini forbid!), or suppressing your deep-seated longings for the sake of a “mission” which seems unlikely ever to actually be finished. (That way lies frustration and depression.) You might even make this an annual practice (and there is ample Buddhist precedent, e.g. the rains retreat). Some find taking some time off actually to improve their effectiveness, after their return to work.
Have you ever visited Xinjiang? I wonder if you might not be dimly recalling photos of it. “Heaven Lake” (Tianchi, in the Tianshan range east of Urumqi) is the famous one, but Buston Hu in Bayangoling (the Mongolian autonomous region near Korla and Karashahr) is another possibility. (Is your mother’s family from that region, or from one of the Oirat areas in the Altai, or near Ili?) Of course, there are also lakes like this all over Tibet and the Himalayas, and this fantasized image of yours could just as easily have generic Tibetan associations.
How truly blessed and extremely fortunate we all are that Rinpoche in his ever compassionate nature forsakes his own desires, wants and longing just to benefit others. His absolute trust in and devotion to his guru is exemplifying.
Why does Rinpoche need even heartwarmingly voice what he wants to us? Does he not truly deserve this home by the lake in the hills? Absolutely SO! But instead, we give Rinpoche our endless valleys of petty complaints, long rivers of laziness, huge mountain of excuses and vast plains of ungratefullness.
Even with the jaded landscape we paint before him, he is steadfast in his motivation to help us. Time to get off our big fat behinds and pull at least our own weight because when we each do just that and with an open heart the burden upon one single person is less and we can in unison lift greater weights. Reminds me of a beautiful quote to ponder on:
It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving. – Mother Teresa
Thank you Rinpoche from the bottom of my heart and may I humbly offer to help carry the many bricks that will be needed to build your dream home!
It seems to me that if Rinpoche is to get his home in the hills that he so richly deserves, we as his students must put into practice what he teaches us with the minimum of fuss and without excuses. Not to use Rinpoche like a mother cleaning up after her grown children, never learning to pick up after ourselves.
I can’t begin to imagine the frustration that comes about from seeing people not follow your advice and then knowing what the aftermath will be, (I get a little of this with my work when i advise customers on their air con or fridge systems, I tell them filters need cleaning and things servicing, all they see is the cost, and then later on because they have neglected things, motors burn out and stock is lost, and this is just material things…) I would get very jaded and cynical and think to myself why bother?
How lucky we are to have Tsem Tulku Rinpoche to guide us and not give up on us even when he becomes tired and would prefer to be doing something else, we must hold up our end of the bargain and repay his kindness with action.
Rinpoche has set aside just about all of His personal wants and desires and it is heart wrenching to read about and feel His longings. The heavy feeling i have in my heart now is something i pray will always remain in me, to remind me of the lessons behind Rinpoche’s sharing, and to motivate to to more.
I was and still am, one of those who are “trapped” and if it weren’t for the sacrifices of Rinpoche, i would not have this opportunity to learn, practice, liberate myself, and feel the peace bought off Rinpoche’s selflessness. For that i shall forever be grateful.
I hope that one day soon i may be of real use to Rinpoche’s mission and in that way, bring some joy to Him.
For now i can only say “Thank You”.
I remember about five years ago, I heard Rinpoche say that Rinpoche really hated teaching. I was very surprised because Rinpoche was so good at it, and Rinpoche said that just because he didn’t like it, it did not mean that he couldn’t do it well. What a lesson for all of us. We are always so selective about what we are doing and usually choose what we like to do.
The first time I really had even a glimpse of what Rinpoche goes through was 3 years ago in 2007, when a small group of us went to Gaden Shartse Monastery for a few days. For a few days, we lived in the monastery. For a few days, we woke to monks walking outside our window, chattering joyfully. For a few days, we saw the monks engage in pujas and debates. It was really an idyllic time.
When our short stay ended, we came back to Kuala Lumpur and straight into the first land blessing at TKL (now known as KWPC). As soon as i saw Rinpoche, i immediately felt that Rinpoche was so alone here in Malaysia, among strangers in a strange land. Here, there are no fellow sangha for him to talk to, to discuss with, to laugh with. There are no peers and no masters. Instead, he has mostly monster students who have been brought up where there is no mass Buddhist consciousness. Thank goodness Rinpoche does have some good people who are supporting Rinpoche’s vision. But as Rinpoche says, Rinpoche needs more!
Anyway, that time at TKL, i was very moved by Rinpoche’s sacrifice – Rinpoche has literally given up everything – his comfort, his community, his aspirations, to be here in Malaysia to teach us. It is his total love without agenda that keeps Rinpoche here everyday.
I am sure Rinpoche did not hitchhike across America and then fly to India and suffer years of starvation in order to come to Malaysia and teach. I’m sure that did not feature in his plans at all. All Rinpoche wanted to do was to stay in Gaden Monastery and do his retreats. Or retreat in the hills as Rinpoche says in this blog post. That was his wish since young.
While we may empathise with Rinpoche, admire Rinpoche’s sacrifices and even shed tears for Rinpoche’s compassion, the best thing we can do to express gratitude is to transform ourselves according to Rinpoche’s teachings and to help Rinpoche fulfil his vision – by us doing what we have committed to, by us making our minds stable and by trusting Rinpoche so that he can help us and many others.
There are so many lessons to be learnt in Rinpoche’s sharing. I have learnt that in order to rid ourselves of our ego is to do what we do not want to do as long as our actions benefit others.
Commitments are always to be fulfilled, even at the cost of sacrifices.
Guru devotion is of great importance and to always trust our Guru.
Living our lives to satisfy our own desires will not gain us any attainments, but living with the purpose to benefit others will create merits for attainments.
We should be grateful that in this life we have the merits to gain Dharma knowledge, practise it and hope for a good rebirth.
Benefiting others will create happiness for ourselves.
I will forever be grateful to Rinpoche for all that Rinpoche has taught me and my heart breaks to know of how much Rinpoche has sacrificed in order to have all of us win.
Thank you, Rinpoche
These pictures are stunning but more inspiring and important than that is Rinpoche’s heartfelt message and sharing of what it means to follow our teacher’s instructions and enlightened methods. I remember Rinpoche advising us many times that spiritual practice is about doing the things that we DON’T like doing – that is where we grow and develop and gain new skills that will bring us further in our spiritual path.
Rinpoche’s entire life has been a perfect example of how one person can make such a phenomenal difference in the lives of thousands, simply by having so much faith and commitment to his teacher’s advice… even if it was not something he wanted to do at all.
I remember Rinpoche also saying that even if he doesn’t like to do something, he will still do it 150%, perfectly and to the best of his ability if it can help someone else. So if you watched him and saw him doing something, you would never be able to tell that he was unhappy doing it, or didn’t want to do it, or was having difficulty. Rinpoche would never, ever reveal that he is unhappy doing something because, as he has told us many times, that is besides the point. “I am one, but others are many” he has repeated often, so showing that he is unhappy, sad or dislikes what he is doing does not contribute or help to others.
Imagine if all of us could manage to do that – what a difference it would make to the world if everyone just stopped thinking merely about their own likes or dislikes, and focused purely on what needed to be done for others. We’d each be about to reach so many, many, many more that way!