Visiting My Parents – Tsem Rinpoche
My Thoughts After Visiting My Parents’ Graves
Or view the video on the server at:
https://video.tsemtulku.com/videos/USA03-Thoughts.mp4
On October 25, 2013 I visited the gravesite of my parents. I hadn’t seen my parents since I left for India to become a monk in 1987. Since then they have both passed away. They disowned me after I became ordained. I was not fine with this but I had no choice. We had tremendous conflicts. Conflicts for years till I finally left home at 15. I wanted to become a monk and was determined. I had to sacrifice quite a lot to be ordained. They were against it and they had their reasons.
My parents were *Kalmuks. Kalmuks people are Mongolians and they have their own republic in Kalmykia which is in Russia. My parents along with hundreds of other Kalmuks migrated to the USA in the 1950’s and 60’s. At this time as they are Asians, they were not allowed to enter the USA. USA’s immigration policies did not favour Asians. But because Kalmuks lived in the European part of Russia and their names sounded Russian, it baffled the immigration authorities of the time. And the many Russians also were immigrating together with the Kalmuks helped. The Kalmuks have very close ties with Russians for centuries. Even with such close ties, the Kalmuks kept their culture, language, Buddhist religion and customs well in tact when they immigrated. The fellow Russians immigrating vouched to authorities that Kalmuks were ‘not Asians’ but Russians too!! On that basis they were allowed into the United States.
The Kalmuks lived closely to the Russians in Howell, New Jersey. There were Kalmuks scattered in Philadelphia and New York also. The Kalmuks and Russians shared much together that even in death, the Kalmuks are buried in Russian cemeteries in New Jersey.
This is a beautiful Russian orthodox church in Jackson, New Jersey (near Howell) and the Russians and Kalmuks are buried together. It was here I visited my parents who are buried side by side.
Many of my relatives, friends from childhood and elder people I grew up with are buried here also. Some of whom I did not know had passed away. It was strange to say the least to see so many people I knew while growing up, buried here.
The whole cemetery was empty except myself and my companions. It was very quiet and peaceful and my first time there also.
I brought offerings and items to perform a prayer for my parents and all the people buried in this cemetery. The day we arrived was a crisp October with good weather. I was able to do a good prayer (puja) and dedicate merits to my parents, relatives and friends here in the cemetery.
It was poignant, sad and strange. The tears didn’t flow while I was at the cemetery, but it all came out in torrents when I returned to the hotel in the evening. I guess seeing the gravesite and the ‘reality’ of their deaths only hit later when I was alone in my room. When I return to my parents 26 year later, they are dead. I am at their gravestone.
I bought red roses for my mom as they were her favorites. My mom loved roses. I love her.
Tsem Rinpoche
(*There are various spellings for Kalmuk. You do a search it can be Kalmyck, Kalmuck, Kalmyk, etc. I have spelled it differently in other blog posts also)
Seeing the gravestones of many other Kalmuks. Hundreds. It was surreal to say the least. So many are people I met, talked to, or knew as I grew up. So many have passed away. Many are here.
My parents.
Kalmuk gravestones can have a Buddhist Dharma wheel carved on them and also mantras. On the gravestone of my parents, Om Mani Peme Hung is carved.
I wanted to do puja for my parents and I am glad I got to do so. It’s incredible they are buried below the ground I am sitting on. I found out from a wonderful couple (Mr. and Mrs. Bullock who purchased our family home from my mom) that my mom showed them a photo of me and said she was proud of me. Amazing. In the end my mother did accept me as a monk and was proud. I was so happy to hear this. I wanted my mom to have peace with my decision. I love her and she was as kind as she can to me, her way. The way she knew. I accept this now as an adult.
When I was growing up, my cousin Gaga Toktun was very close to me. I visited her and hung out with her for hours every week. She is soft, kind and very loving towards me. She was considered the Kalmuk Elizabeth Taylor and men would drive from all parts of Philadelphia, New York and Jersey past her house to chance a gaze upon her, everyone said. They just wanted a glimpse of her! Yes, she was very beautiful especially on the inside. It was really strange to see Gaga Toktun here and buried right next to my parents. I will miss Gaga Toktun always. I wish she was around still. I love you Gaga Toktun.
I will never forget all the times we spent together Gaga Toktun. Thank you for being you.
I walked around and strangely it was a peaceful place.
I like this Russian Orthodox church dominating the cemetery with Madonna and child tiled fresco over the main entrance. Beautiful.
Visiting My Parents’ Graves in New Jersey, USA
Or view the video on the server at:
https://video.tsemtulku.com/videos/USA04-GraveVisit.mp4
My uncle Giga is buried here. He was a nice guy! Aunt Matza loved him so much and she still does. She has purchased her plot next to his.
My Uncle Naran and his wife Aunt Honey are buried here together. They loved each other so much in life. Aunt Honey was a direct and very ‘loud’ lady. Loud in a very good way. She spoke her mind and was very direct but a good person. I miss her and Uncle Naran also. I loved when they visited us in our home as a kid.
This couple were Kalmuk neighbours that lived behind my house. I use to visit them as a kid. I didn’t really know they had both passed away. Mr Petro Taunov was a very devoted husband I remember and Mrs Nogala Taunov a very gentle lady. It sad to see them here but I did some prayers.
My father would take me to visit this couple when I was very young. They lived nearby around 10 minutes away. The wife is still alive and in her 90’s. But they will reserve their place ahead of time. This gravestone has the mantras of Vajrapani, Avalokitesvara and Manjushri carved on it.
This is Uncle Bomba and his wife. Uncle Bomba was Kalmuk and visited us often. Once a week at least and was close to my parents. He would join us for dinner very often and had many stories to share. His lovely wife was Russian. Uncle Bomba was Buddhist and his wife was Russian Orthodox Christian. You can see harmony here where over Uncle Bomba’s name is a Buddhist dharma wheel and over his wife’s is a crucifix. Many Kalmuks married Russians and they always lived in religious harmony. The Kalmuks never converted and the Russian spouses never converted. I’ve seen many cases of this religious harmony among the Kalmuks and Russians in life and now in death. This harmony is beautiful. This is good for the world. Uncle Bomba and his wife lived on the street behind us.
This is my beloved Uncle Otschir (Vajra). He was a gentle, easy and kind man to me. I always visited his house weekly. Gaga Toktun was his daughter. They lived in the same house. Uncle Otschir was respected and loved in the community. He was a natural healer as was his father. Uncle Otschir never went for training or medical studies but he was a born natural healer. Hundreds of people with sprained muscles, twisted nerves, broken bones, sprained ankles, twisted joints would visit Uncle Otschir. He lived around 10 minutes from our house. Uncle Otschir would listen to your problems, touch examine you and then proceed to heal by massage, pulling and stroking. I have twisted my ankles, fingers, toes, elbows and wrists many times as an active kid and I would be sent to see Uncle Otschir. He healed me each time without casts, x-rays or medicines. Incredible. He did this for hundreds of people for decades and he would never charge any money. He did this because he had a natural gift recognized among the Kalmuks and he was genuinely wanting to heal people. I loved him very much. I had a twisted finger once and he pulled the finger and pushed the joint back in place right in front of my eyes as I squealed in pain, then bandaged it and sprinkled it with warm salt water. For one week I would have to sprinkle salt water on it and then it’s fine. Amazing I know. Uncle Otschir was amazing and I miss him.
Important related articles:
- Why I Conceived of Kechara Soup Kitchen or KSK
- Happy family for Kalacakra
- It Wasn’t Easy in New Jersey, but My Cousins/Aunts Helped…
- I’m Requesting Ordination in 1987
- My First Guru in New Jersey
- Kalmyk People’s Origin -VERY INTERESTING
- Tsem Rinpoche Bio Group Goes to USA
- Avalokiteshvara, Turkey Swamp, Marc & Me
- When I Had No One Else…
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Rinpoche had never forgotten His parents, eventhough they are against his wish to be a monk, Rinpoche compassion and love for them never change over the years. They were no longer there anymore but at the end they are proud of Rinpoche. That’s a great relieved for Rinpoche. Having mixed feelings of sad and rejoice Rinpoche went through the cemetery of the Russians and Kalmuks. Its there both Rinpoche’s parents buried together and friends who were buried there too. Rinpoche did prayers for his parents with some roses flowers which Rinpoche’s mother favourite and had spent some times there. Looking at those pictures tells us all.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing your thoughts with us.
1984 Los Angeles-Left to right: Geshe Tsultrim Gyeltsen, His Holiness Kyabje Zong Rinpoche, monk assistant to Zong Rinpoche and the 18-year-old Tsem Rinpoche prior to ordination. Read more- https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/category/me
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A poem inspired by seeing a picture of my teacher, Kyabje Zong Rinpoche…
In the sport of correct views,
all that is correct is just a view,
without permanence or substance.
As long as we hold onto views,
our sufferings are gathered
to be experienced without end.
Without the strong methods of emptiness
and compassion, bereft of merit,
we sink deeper without respite.
To arise from this samsara is but
a dreamscape on the deluded mind.
Therefore seek the guru, who confers the yidam,
hold your vows and fixate on liberation
free of new creations. Free of new experiences as
there are none.
~ Tsem Rinpoche
Composed in Tsem Ladrang, Kuala Lumpur on July 7, 2014
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing your thoughts of visiting your parents ‘s graves and wonderful people whom Rinpoche knew and had passed away. Rinpoche had not seen them since he left for India to become a monk. Visiting someone at their grave whom we loved dearly is extremely hard but Rinpoche still maintained a strong posture.
Inspiring stories …. to remind us that we must not give up , to persevere and persist despite obstacles and challenges , not to loose sight of Dharma and those we loved dearly. Despite all these and disowned by his parents Rinpoche , Rinpoche revisited them at the gravesite and did prayers for them. Rinpoche will always care for them even they are not around anymore, what is past is past. Its an example for us to forgive the past and moved on.
I was walking past a second hand shop on Western Ave selling old things. They had a Japanese-style clay Buddha which was beige in colour on the floor, holding the door open. I thought the shopkeeper would collect a lot of negative karma without knowing if he kept such a holy item on the floor as a doorstop. So I went in to talk to him, but he didn’t look like he wanted to talk or that he even cared. So I asked him the price and he said US$5. I purchased it so he did not collect more negative karma. I was 17 years old and that was in 1982.
I escorted my new Buddha home and washed it lightly and wiped it. I placed it on my altar and was happy with the Buddha. I would do my meditations, prayers, sadhanas, mantras and prostrations in front of this shrine daily. When I left for India in 1987, I could not bring this Buddha along and gave it to a friend. It was a nice size and I made offerings to this Buddha for many years in Los Angeles. In front of the Buddha I placed His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s photo. I remember I was so relieved that the price was affordable. But US$5 that time was still expensive for me but worth it I thought. But I was happy to have brought the Buddha home. Tsem Rinpoche
https://www.tsemrinpoche.com
Tsem Rinpoche at Kechara Forest Retreat, Bentong, Malaysia
H.E. the 25th Tsem Rinpoche is very devoted to his root guru, H.H. Zong Rinpoche.
“Rinpoche’s Thoughts After Visiting His Parents’ Graves”.
Thank you Rinpoche for this very powerful teaching.
I wish to highlight two points in this powerful teaching by Rinpoche which has touched me deeply.
1.About Rinpoche and his Mother Dana
When Rinpoche refused to give up the idea of becoming a monk and showed a very strong inclination and fascination for the Dharma, Dana became more and more violent towards him thinking to bend him by force towards her will. She had been brought up to see that it was against Rinpoche’s interest to become a monk. SHE DID IT FOR RINPOCHE BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT IT WAS BEST FOR HIM.Putting aside her violence towards Rinpoche, which mostly stemmed from her mental ailment(she suffered from schizophrenia, but this was only discovered years later, after Rinpoche had left home), we see in her the powerful habituations of countless lifetimes of grasping at the “I am Right and others are Wrong” attitude , as well as the grasping at wrong fixed projections of how people and things should be . WE are all like Dana, with our grasping at the “I”and our fixed negative habituations of countless lifetimes and our fixation with cultural and conventional norms.
Rinpoche had said that both his parents were Buddhists only on a superficial level.They actually had the option to learn the Dharma and gain the knowledge to know how to transform a mind fixated with cultural norms and self-grasping and negative delusions habituated over many lifetimes. BUT they didn’t bother to study the Dharma and gain the knowledge to practice and transform. It is like many of us, who claim to be Buddhists but do not want to study the Dharma so as to transform ourselves: to remove all our negative habituations and habituated wrong projections and grasping at “I”,and rehabituate our minds with positive qualities of kindness, equanimity, generosity,compassion, tolerance, patience and the like. Only when we use the Dharma to transform ourselves in this way can we remove the root causes of our unhappiness. Only then can we attain total liberation from suffering or Enlightenment.
2. A Bodhisattva will go to all lengths, even make a ‘negative’ connection, with every being whom they encounter or who come within their sphere of experience.In this way, they hook these beings to them and plant seeds of Dharma in them so that they can continue their work of bringing them to enlightenment in future lives.
(In the Bodhisattva’s manifestation of such great compassion,I am reminded of Shantideva’s words: ” For as long as space remains and for as long as sentient beings remain, until then will I too remain to dispel the miseries of the world”).
Thus did Tsem Rinpoche hook Dana to him with his compassion. I am very happy that Dana had a change of heart before she died-she accepted Rinpoche being a monk and was proud of him. To my mind, I see (behind this)the work of a great Bodhisattva , who gave her a blessing to open up a powerful good imprint and caused her to manifest this positive change of heart. Dana had strong good imprints even in this life, from her kindness to Rinpoche(and the homeless), even though she manifested such great violence towards Rinpoche. Rinpoche recalls how Dana had nursed him when he was sick and we have seen pictures of Rinpoche with Dana in happier times.
In the Lamrim, we are told that in order to develop bodhicitta, the first steps are – recognize all beings as our mothers, remember their kindness to us and repay their kindness. Rinpoche has shown us ,by his own great example, how to carry out these three steps.
I am profoundly moved by Rinpoche’s deep love and care for all beings.He loves all with the same kind of love he has shown Dana. My precious human life has been made more precious because I met a Bodhisattva.
I PROSTRATE TO MY GURU WHO IS THE EMBODIMENT OF IMMEASURABLE INFINITE COMPASSION.
For the pursue of Dharma, Rinpoche decided to leave the family and away from USA for 26 years, it is certainly a very long journey when Rinpoche left USA and became ordain as a Sangha.
Rinpoche had never forgotten His parents, eventhough they are against His wish to be a monk, Rinpoche compassion and love for them never change over the years. It was Rinpoche persistency and love for Dharma, that now we have Kechara and so many online teaching from Rinpoche.
It has been 26 years that Tsem Rinpoche had not went back to USA or meet His step parents, Boris and Dana Bugayeff. Both parents had since passed away, and Rinpoche had never spoken or even repay their kindness no matter what Rinpoche faced during her younger age. Yet the long overdue meeting had Rinpoche visiting their grave and offer prayer for them.
Although Rinpoche faces abuse, trauma, yet Rinpoche still care for them.
I have a mixed feelings of sad and rejoice while Rinpoche went through his journey with us in the Kalmuks graveyard. I feel rejoice because Rinpoche’s mom Dana had finally accepted and proud of him in becoming a Buddhist monk. I believe that it was Rinpoche’s action in benefiting others that eventually changed her mind as action speaks louder than word. This post teaches me about impermanence and everyone closes to us would eventually pass away. It is important to reconnect with them before it’s too late and encourage them to practice Dhamma as this would be the best gift to them. Thank you Rinpoche for sharing your personal story with us. I hope you have a chance to visit your childhood place and the Kalmuks community again soon. With folded palms.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing your thought after visiting your parents’ graves.
Re-visiting this post, 2 major thoughts came to mind. One was the happy thought that somehow or other, Dana (Rinpoche’s mother)was able to turn around and be happy and proud of Rinpoche becoming a monk and Spiritual Teacher. For this, Rinpoche was very happy for her and rejoiced for her. This remarkable change of attitude of Dana was most important for her.From the moment her mind accepted Rinpoche as a monk, she stopped collecting tremendous heavy negative karma and began to accumulate merits and positive karma and imprints. Whatever Rinpoche did in Dharma, a part of the merit started going to her. How wonderful for her that she was able to go to her death , having found peace with Rinpoche through her acceptance of him.
The second thought is that our minds have been so programmed and so habituated over lifetimes to see that only we are right and others wrong. Our minds are also deeply steeped in crippling cultural norms. Rinpoche was the Bugayeff’s only son. Only sons, culturally speaking, do not become monks. Furthermore, as their son, Boris and Dana had expected him to fulfil their American Dream for them. So Dana’s mind could not accept Rinpoche becoming a monk and she tried to bend him to her will, with the use of violence.This streak of violence was also reinforced by her mental ailment.
Rinpoche’s determination to do Dharma was stronger than any worldly boundaries and unlike any other child, this was yet another clear sign and indication of who Rinpoche was in Rinpoche’s previous lives… https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/autobiography/kentrul-thubten-lamsang.html (an account from a student of our Rinpoche’s immediate previous incarnation, Kentrul Rinpoche Thubten Lamsang). And you know what this means… how amazingly lucky we are to have cross path with a real Guru who is Boddhisattva. It is exactly as what Rinpoche’s mother said… “if the boy is truly the reincarnation of a High Lama, then he would eventually develop his spiritual path and find his way back to the monastery.” https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/great-lamas-masters/h-e-the-25th-tsem-tulku-rinpoches-biography.html
And like what someone from blogchat recently mentioned; chris chong: “Rinpoche is high incarnation that can choose his next life and his parents. So, he must had chosen this life on his own will. I guess he wanted to show us that even with all the hardships and abuse he had went through, he still came out good and continue to persue dharma. His faith and will to learn dharma is so strong that nothing can shake it. His bad experiences also influenced some of the work that Rinpoche did today. An example will be soup kitchen because he understand what kind of harsh condition that a homeless have to go through on daily basis. Hence, he set up KSK hoping to help these homeless people as much as whe can.” in which I could not agree with it more and said it better.
It is never easy to look back and think about those you love who have passed, I can relate with Rinpoche to an extend but there is no graveyard to visit, just memories of the good and the bad. And it dawn on to me these are all just memories and we are still creating memories now as we speak. So I guess what truly matters is what we do today, right now to create that pass memory in the few seconds… and this thought I know would not have even manifest is because of the little bit of Dharma I have learnt from Rinpoche.
Thank you Rinpoche for your very personal sharing. What I learnt from this is that death happens to anyone and everyone and even those you love or hate. In the end nothing really matters and all that matters is how you were with them. The biggest lesson I learn from the death of those I hold dear and love “You don’t know what you got till it’s gone”
Rinpoche’s determination to do Dharma was stronger than any worldly boundaries and unlike any other child, this was yet another clear sign and indication of who Rinpoche was in Rinpoche’s previous lives… https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/autobiography/kentrul-thubten-lamsang.html (an account from a student of our Rinpoche’s immediate previous incarnation, Kentrul Rinpoche Thubten Lamsang). And you know what this means… how amazingly lucky we are to have cross path with a real Guru who is Boddhisattva. It is exactly as what Rinpoche’s mother said… “if the boy is truly the reincarnation of a High Lama, then he would eventually develop his spiritual path and find his way back to the monastery.” https://www.tsemrinpoche.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/great-lamas-masters/h-e-the-25th-tsem-tulku-rinpoches-biography.html
And like what someone from blogchat recently mentioned “chris chong: @Martin, Rinpoche is high incarnation that can choose his next life and his parents. So, he must had chosen this life on his own will. I guess he wanted to show us that even with all the hardships and abuse he had went through, he still came out good and continue to persue dharma. His faith and will to learn dharma is so strong that nothing can shake it. His bad experiences also influenced some of the work that Rinpoche did today. An example will be soup kitchen because he understand what kind of harsh condition that a homeless have to go through on daily basis. Hence, he set up KSK hoping to help these homeless people as much as whe can.” in which I could not agree with it more and said it better.
It is never easy to look back and think about those you love who have passed, I can relate with Rinpoche to an extend but there is no graveyard to visit, just memories of the good and the bad. And it dawn on to me these are all just memories and we are still creating memories now as we speak. So I guess what truly matters is what we do today, right now to create that pass memory in the few seconds… and this thought I know would not have even manifest is because of the little bit of Dharma I have learnt from Rinpoche.
Thank you Rinpoche for your very personal sharing. What I learnt from this is that death happens to anyone and everyone and even those you love or hate. In the end nothing really matters and all that matters is how you were with them. The biggest lesson I learn from the death of those I hold dear and love “You don’t know what you got till it’s gone”
Dear Rinpoche
Thank you for the post. I am happy that Rinpoche’s step mother accepted Rinpoche’s Dharma aspiration and proud of Rinpoche. I rejoice for her because as Rinpoche explained, she collected the merit from the time she accepted/ approved of Rinpoche’s Dharma work.
Valentina
Dear kalyāṇa-mitra (spiritual friend), Your Eminence,
I invite you and everyone that has lost loved ones, to create an online memorial in their honor, to cherish their memories. Thank you for sharing your story, thank you for your compassion and wisdom.
Wishing you true happiness, good health and long life. With metta, Anca (www.spirare.name)
Dear Rinpoche
It’s indeed very touching and happy moment that Rinpoche’s mother finally accepted and proud of Rinpoche becoming a monk. Rinpoche’s parent was able to collect positive karma before their passing from the negative karma they have due to not letting Rinpoche to learn Dharma & become a monk during Rinpoche’s teenage years.
It was a peaceful sight at Rinpoche’s parents graveyard to see inter-racial & inter-religion being practice where 2 different culture (in this case Kalmuks & Russians) are buried in the same cemetery. This indicates peace, acceptance and harmony between 2 cultures.
Performing puja enables us to dedicate merits to our loved ones to have good human rebirth. That they are also able to meet, understand and learn the Dharma in this lifetime and future lives. This is one way for us to repay their kindness and dedicate merits to them when they are alive or passed on.
At death we can’t take anything with us and the only thing we can take is the Dharma. As mentioned in the 3rd verse Yonten Shigyurma [Foundation of All Good Qualities] Lamrim Prayer by Lama Tsongkhapa. It says :-
Mindful of death, this life disintegrates
As swiftly as a bubble in turbulent water
And after death my good and bad
Karma follows me like my shadow
Thank you Rinpoche for giving this teaching whilst on your home visitation trip. Rinpoche is always thinking of others and wanting to benefit all beings with Dharma wherever Rinpoche goes. Its another inspiring and teaching to remind us that we must not loose sight of Dharma.
I wish Rinpoche a safe pleasant trip and health always. We await Rinpcohe’s safe return to Kechara Forest Retreat.
With folded hands
Rena
With the past encounter and of course by the blessing of Rinpoche, I have been able to receive some Dharma knowledge,…. “a person’s lifespan is not fixed Death is certain but the time will be uncertain depending on the ripening”. I read a column in the newspaper this morning, the writer has asked, Are we here to live a legacy or to leave a legacy?? The same words like a bell in my mind, what Rinpoche had in vision for many of us that we too can leave a legacy behind by participating in Rinpoche’s works.
Thank you Rinpoche.
Dear Rinpoche, reading this article reminds me of my parents who are extremely against me & Alex and my kids in our Dharma practice. Rinpoche, you have guided us through Dharma teachings and have always taught us to seek for the 6 Perfections, to be selfless and kind to others and always respect our parents. Through the 10 years that we have taken refuge with Rinpoche, we have seen tremendous transformation in ourselves. Despite that, my parents are still very against our Dharma practice. I do not blame them as i realize that it is not them but their ignorance that blinds them. It is very difficult to talk to them as every chance they have they would try to talk down on our Dharma practice, us being vegetarian, and to the extent of asking my siblings to stay away from us. Every day, when i do my daily sadhana, i visualize our Dharma Protector sending red lights to subdue their wrong views and may they one day have the merits to learn the holy Dharma. Now i only visit them on special occasions such as my parents’ birthday and Chinese New Year because i do not wish that they collect the negative karma on their negative comments on my holy Guru and my Buddhist organization. I feel very sad for them as they do not believe in rebirths and hence they dont care about karma, cause & effect. It is very difficult for me to talk to them so i distant myself from them but i still respect them as my parents. May they be always be blessed by the 3 Jewels.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing your personal feelings about your family in New Jersey. i am truly glad and more than happy to know that Rinpoche’s mother has finally accepted Rinpoche as who You are now. All the hard works and sacrifices experienced by Rinpoche are truly worth more than all the good fortune around the world, for Dharma to grow and save all sentient beings without exception. Being a young guy in teenage years to leave family without the blessings from parents was indeed a very hard decision and sad feelings for anyone to absorb for 26 years. Thank you Rinpoche and rejoice for You to re-connect back with your parents although they have gone. May Your both parents and all the relatives and friends who were passed away in New Jersey, gain good rebirths and meet with Dharma in their next lives. May all of them be able to receive Your blessings and prayers as much as possible. Thank you Rinpoche for all your hard work and teachings to spread the Dharma in our country. We will never forget all the hardship and experience You have endured for the past 26 years.
Dear Rinpoche..()..
your teachings and the very presence always move me to feel the nature os life and the ultimate nature of beings. i can’t imagine life you my only guru,i consider though i never met you…
may you live long to make every being to realise the true nature of life….
i take refuge in you….rinpoche
with sincere devotion,
pema thrinley
Rinpoche’s filial piety is truly marvellous beyond comparison, “as it concerns far from working solely for his own benefit, but for the salvation of all people, and aiding his family by so doing.” As it is believed, if one member of the family leaves the household to be a monk, then all other members of the family would benefit from the good fortune and lead superior lives. Yes, it was indeed “surreal” to see the gravestones of so many people whom Rinpoche knew were still alive before he left. Today on his visit,tomestones were the only ones left that Rinpoche saw! How terribly sad and frightening. But, the most consoling comfort at least is Rinpoche’s finding-out that his mother did feel proud of him becoming a monk, and that Rinpoche was successfully able to perform a Puja for his parents as planned during the visit. We greatly rejoice for you, Rinpoche for all compliance of your wishes!!! Om mani padme hung.
Looking at pictures of graves always evoke emotions that make me feel restless and conflicted. Maybe it’s the knowledge that some day I’ll also be dead and the fact that right now I living my life as if I’ll live forever.
“故地又重游，物是人已非；奈何故人去，往事伤心头”。仁波切这次的分享让我心里都很伤感和对故人的怀念和哀悼。所以对在身边的人我们要多珍惜， 对往生者我们祈愿他们有佛法的加持和有更好的转世。
有想过。。。。。。每一年清明节我们去拜祭祖先， 那时候的你吗？ 有些人会特别的感触， 但是也有的是满脸的埋怨。
这每年一次， 对仁波切是那么遥远。
在这一天， Tsem Tulku Rinpoche 终于有机会去拜祭亲人了。
看着师父不停的述说他认识的叔叔，姨姨， 家人与朋友， 在这坟墓里。我的心很酸。 让我要珍惜。珍惜我现在可以做的！
离家30多年，如今旧地重游，我们常人一定无限感慨，百般滋味在心头。再加上亲人都天人永隔。上师有别于常人，以上的道理仁波切比我们任何人都清楚。希望仁波切这一趟旅程顺利，愉快和心想事成。
I glad Rinpoche had finally found “closure” with Rinpoche’s parents especially Dana, Rinpoche’s foster mother who Rinpoche knew somehow was a kind lady but not well. I am so happy to know that she finally accepted and was proud of Rinpoche being a monk! That would have given her much peace towards the end of her life.
It is amazing how people come and go in life. This is another great teaching of impermanence in samsara. All is so surreal and nothing is ever solid yet we always grasp for it to be permanent. I guess Rinpoche kind of new this cos Rinpoche’s yearning for Dharma was so strong that Rinpoche had to do what Rinpoche knew was right deep down inside. Not many would dare thread such a path.
Now when we look back at those who have passed, they had no or very little Dharma. But look at what Rinpoche gained! The ability to return and do pujas for them. If Rinpoche did not follow the Dharma path and became a ordinary layman, married and with kids, I doubt Rinpoche would be able to do much for Rinpoche’s parents/love ones. Although they are 6 feet underground, at least Rinpoche could still do dedications to them. A great teaching for us all that all things will come to an end except the Dharma! Thank you Rinpoche for sharing so much intimate feelings and stories as it gives each and everyone a different take and appreciation of what we have… Rinpoche and the Dharma!
I’m glad Rinpoche found out your mother had found peace before she passed away and collected merits from this positive action. Rinpoche’s explanation is a valuable teaching of how important it is to find peace before one dies and to realise the Four Noble Truths. In samsara, “all actions lead to suffering”.
Rinpoche has become a very beneficial being to everyone around him and Rinpoche’s prayers for his parents will certainly yield tremendous benefits and come true for his parents. The Kalmyks have so much respect for Buddhism that they engrave mantras and buddhist symbols on their graves.
A mother’s love to their children is incomparable no matter what happened, even when there is huge conflict between the mother and the children, but at the end of the day, the mother will still love them unconditionally, with their own ways, sometimes they may love them with the wrong and selfish way, but it doesn’t mean they are bad, it’s because that’s the only way they know for loving their kids.
it’s been 30 over years that rinpoche didn’t see his mother, Rinpoche loved her and missed her throughout this 30 years++, today finally Rinpoche got to visit her, but it is her tombstone. It is definitely sad to see this. The impermanence of life is just showed here, so many people Rinpoche used to know when he was younger at USA and now some of them already laying down under the ground.
life is impermanent, everyone will be laying down there one day. never wait till too late before we know to regret.
The cemetery looks neat and peaceful and very well maintained. Glad to hear that Rinpoche’s beloved late mother had finally accepted Rinpoche as a monk and was proud of Him. So now Rinpoche can have peace when he knew that his beloved mom had passed away in peace. This meant a lot to Rinpoche.
I also pray and hope that Rinpoche’s another wish will come true soon i.e.may Rinpoche will be able to meet and reunite with His biological mother, the Mongolian princess during this trip to the US.
I m glad that Rinpoche parents has accepted him as a monk and do feel pround about his work. This is very important for both parents because they will able to collect tremendous amount of merits so that in the future they can continue to meet BuddhaDharma teaching. Thank you Rinpoche for all the beautiful photos I must said the cemetery look very neat and clean.
A little thought from me:
– I noted that many parents imposed their own ambitions and perceptions to their children. I witnessed children were being bombarded with various lessons to “help” them. Sometimes it is really suffocating. A simple solution is a strong mind (financial independence helps a lot as well).
– I witnessed firsthand within my family that once the son/ daughter do something “unxpected”, the parents are extremely unhappy. A lot of yelling and throwing things.
I wonder how much sufferings can be caused by someone’s perceptions and expectations
In our human life we have accumulated more and more baggage as day passed. we all know that we can’t take any of ours tangible possessions with us at the time of death. it is our non tangible possessions part that are worrisome. ie our views, grudges, discontentment… Thank you Rinpoche for having this blog post to teach us how take the necessary actions and remedy to let go for it before death come.
Dearest Rinpoche,
Thank you so much for sharing such a personal and poignant journey with us. It must have not been an easy visit to your parents’ grave. I am glad that your late mother finally found peace and acceptance. I also rejoice at the fact that she was indeed proud of you and you got to know that through the nice people who bought over your late parents’ house.
Your beautiful narration in the first video stirred many emotions and invoke many thoughts for contemplation. Given the childhood that you went through, I truly admire your sense of filial piety, selfless compassion and unconditional love.
With folded hands and much admiration
The cemetery really is a peaceful place. It’s so serene that all religion are in harmony with each other. The part that touched me the most is when Rinpoche’s mother finally accepted and is proud of what Rinpoche is doing. I think it is her way of showing kindness by letting Rinpoche pursue what Rinpoche really wanted even it means of temporary heartbreak. It’s really glad to know that she is in peace and happy with Rinpoche’s choice. What really touches me is the acceptance of Rinpoche’s mother, it means a lot for a child to have the acceptance and supports from the parents. Thank you Rinpoche for sharing your thoughts as it made me stay firm with my choice in pursuing my Dharma work. Namtse!
Thank You Rinpoche for this very personal post and sharing with us what is very close to your life. There is no escaping the law of karma and everything is impermanent. This is a teaching by itself and Rinpoche kindly give this teaching via some so personal shows Your compassion and all encompassing mind.
I wish Rinpoche a good stay in the US and may Rinpoche return as soon as Rinpoche deem fit. Meanwhile, we continue to do the work to spread the Dharma from Malaysia.
With folded hands!
谢谢仁波切的分享。从本文中我可以深深体会仁波切思念家人的心情。尤其是再见已是天人两隔。仁波切为了对上师的承诺,放弃美国的一切,甚至养父母和他脱离关系, 可是仁波切义无反顾走向出家的路途,只为了将佛法宏扬四海,利益众生。我们何等的有幸能遇见仁波切,接受他的加持。仁波切的恩德无以为报,不要再搓托 宝贵的人生,致力推广仁波切的佛法吧！
Rinpoche has always wanted to return to US for a rather long time, and I am happy that Rinpoche made this trip this time round.
I am often amazed at the “sacrifice” Rinpoche made and I will always be grateful towards Rinpoche for this. In Malaysia, Rinpoche is often alone and this is due to the “sacrifice” he has made. That is the reason we have Rinpoche here today in Kechara and also a blog which has 3.5million viewership. The blog and its content has saved many from today’s common problem ie depression/sickness & etc. It has prevented mothers from leaving their kids, stop people from hurting or damaging themselves & etc.
Kechara has also provided real “homes” to many of us, we have fed the homeless & also urban poor in Malaysia/Indonesia/Shanghai (and I am talking about thousands packet of food going out on a weekly basis) and in some instances provide jobs to the homeless. And all this was possible because of Rinpoche’s sacrifice.
What I am doing is only a mere fraction of what Rinpoche had to leave behind and reading this article inspires me to do more.
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for this wonderful post, all the photos and the videos. I really get to know Rinpoche more from this post, thank you Rinpoche for patiently explaining every details for us.
It was a difficult decision for Rinpoche to say goodbye without the blessings/approval from Rinpoche’s parents to go to India to become a monk and Rinpoche was still so so young. What kept Rinpoche to make this hard decision is that Rinpoche wants to do something with Rinpoche’s life, to benefit others. It was so hard and impossible to explain to Rinpoche’s parents for them to understand the intention of Rinpoche becoming a monk. Rinpoche loves Dana so much yet Rinpoche has to leave. It was sad.
It really bring tears to me, tears of happiness that Rinpoche’s mother(Dana) finally understood and accepted Rinpoche becoming a monk and I can understand that, I do. The happiness is, Rinpoche’s mother finally understand the intention of Rinpoche and know Rinpoche is using the whole life to benefit others. She doesn’t lose her son and the same loving nature towards others that Rinpoche and Dana share, keep Rinpoche and Dana together even though they are not together physically. I am very very sure Rinpoche’s mother was happy and proud and was at peace when she accepted Rinpoche as a monk. The time that Rinpoche wasn’t being with her was not “wasted” as Rinpoche uses all the time to benefit others and help others. Dana knew that and that’s the reason why she was at peace I guess.
What inspired me too is that even though at first we don’t get support from the others for what we want to do, but if we achieve result, they will finally support us too! There are too many examples already. But in the end, whether getting support or approval or not, that’s not the point anymore. Before we pursue, we know what we want and what we can achieve, just work towards it. Sometimes, we just need to earn that approval/support.
And I love the inter-religious harmony in New Jersey, especially within the Russian and Kalmyk community. It is beautiful to see they share their different religion together. Another eye-opening scene to me.
Glad to see Rinpoche is fine there. This post also gives me teachings about death. Life is really empty when we don’t use it fully to do something good to others and the world. Life is empty if we just let it pass without doing anything. When we die, it is just gravestone and our name is carved on it. Nothing more. But if we practice Dharma before our death, Dharma will be kept in the mind and continue to “grow”.
This post reminded me a lot about how easy it is for someone to just pass away. We must love our family now and give them all our love. And when they pass, we must always show good respect for them. Rinpoche here is showing a lot of respect to his loved ones, i am also very sorry to hear about all of this Rinpoche. But i Rinpoche has thought me something here, and that is to always show our respects to our loved ones, no matter whether they are dead or alive.
This video may look like a “story-telling” but it is a teaching of impermanence, determination and karma to me.
When I first come to know Rinpoche, I always wonder why would a Rinpoche reincarnate in such a “difficult” environment to practice Dharma. Now I know: it is to show us that besides all the hardship, it is definitely possible to practice Dharma. Thank you so much for “suffering for us” and there is no excuse for me not to practice especially we are given such conducive environment
It must have been surreal to be in the cemetery with the tombstones carved in the names of Rinpoche’s parents, relatives and friends. The last time Rinpoche was in New Jersey, they were stillalive. 26 years later, they are just memories. The disagreements, the fears, anger, laughter, sadness are all now just memories. Just like in a movie….
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for sharing with us some of Rinpoche’s personal moments together at Rinpoche’s parents’ grave. I know it has been a very emotional packed journey for Rinpoche especially having known that Rinpoche’s mom, Dana had come to terms with Rinpoche’s ordination and is actually proud of Rinpoche. I am pretty sure Rinpoche’s unshakable motivation in renunciation has change the due course of her karma and led her to this realization. Coupled with the years of serving Rinpoche’s gurus, I am sure somehow over the years news had spread back home to Howell how well Rinpoche has been doing in the monasteries and Malaysia.
With no doubt committing our lives to the Dharma is the best thing we can do with our lives. Rinpoche comes from an Asian background and leaving home and the family is a big deal/obstacle but Rinpoche overcame that obstacle not because He’s Rinpoche but Rinpoche understood the importance of the Dharma and the advise of His noble Gurus. Without these instructions, we would not have been able to receive such tremendous benefit of the Dharma today.
For many facing objection from their families in practicing the Dharma, be brave and look at the benefit of serving the Dharma for we are serving our parents’ well being now and in the future.
Much care,
Pastor Jay Jae
It is so touching of a happy ending story of Rinpoche’s parent. Doing Dharma collects tremendous merits to dedicate to our parents whether alive or deceased. If you have not started any dharma dedication to your parents you can start right now. Do not procrastinate. Time and Tide waits for no man.
It brought tears to my eyes while I was reading through the whole post, it was very touching. People come and people die, but most importantly, they pass on with no regrets.I’m very glad to know that Rinpoche’s mother accepted and was proud of the decision Rinpoche made decades ago, I think this is very important not only because Rinpoche has her blessings but also she has let go of it before she passes on, she must has been a very proud mother 🙂 Please take care Rinpoche.
Thanks Rinpoche for sharing this post for us to create a strong Awareness to us. We should do as much for ourself, our love one, parents, family members and our Guru within our this precious human lifetime.
Life is Impermanence, most of us know about this but the key is how it become a Alert to us to move on. As we get know more Dharma from Rinpoche, we really really really do our practice consistently hence generate more Merits to purify our negative Karma and on the same time create the Merits for a better future for not only ourself but to our love on, parents, family members and also our Guru.
We hope we able to do as much we can in this lifetime to help more to Rinpoche projects hence to generate more Merits to support our better future…
The cemetery is a great place to practice impermanence and to meditate on death. How people come and go, how one day our life will end in the same way. All these thoughts go through our minds when we are near graveyards. There is so much to be learned.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing such intimate feelings about Rinpoche’s family. It is really touching.
The gravestones are very beautiful because the names that’s carved on it are relatives and incredible moving stories from Rinpoche, they become much more than gravestones. I think it is unusual that Rinpoche is telling these amazing stories of Rinpoche’s life from tombstones. And like many of the stories, Rinpoche tells it with a lot of colour with added dimension of wisdom and incredible insight and realization. It makes me feel warm and come to know Rinpoche a little more and come to a deeper closer understanding of the Dharma one way or another. Thank you Rinpoche for sharing.
Dear Rinpoche,
Reading the post brought tears to my eyes as they clearly show that as mortals we will leave this planet. And what is left behind are memories and stories that those who are alive remember and they tell others about them. Thank you for sharing the loving warm moments of these wonderful folks. I am happy that Rinpoche was able to perform prayers for Rinpoche’s parents.
With folded hands,
Wendy
Thank you so much for sharing on this. I hope they all have a swift and a good rebirth and able to get connected with Dharma. Am also glad to know that Rinpoche’s mother is proud and accept on Rinpoche being a monk. Thank you and once again Rinpoche shows everyone on being grateful and appreciate people who are still with us now.
Dear Rinpoche,
As I read the articles You’ve written, listen to the videos You recorded and the pictures, images You’ve taken, I suddenly realized You’d really missed Your family, friends and relatives back home in united states. It wasn’t an easy journey for You since from a very young age. My guess not many would endure such hardship. Leaving home for India to become an ordained monk for the sake of others was indeed greater than any personal love You had for Your own family. I felt the hard-to-part feeling of Yours especially when You mentioned about Your parents. It must have been a difficult time for You, my dear guruji. Am elated to hear the acceptance of Your parents regards to Your renunication and Your pursue as a dharma teacher eventually, something which is very precious and beautiful and recognising their son whom has done remarkable great things in life. I do feel they were feeling very proud of You, guruji though it wasn’t spoken directly to You.
My dear teacher, I feel Your lose and pain You experienced when You visit the grave of Your parents……
I am very grateful to You, my dear guruji, whom You have saved my mother’s life so much so that she can still continue her spiritual journey in this life and that I could continue my filal piety. Though You might have few left in states looking forward to, You gained many devoted students and loyal friends with some as close as family members already in Malaysia.
Your story and spiritual journey have been miraculously inspiring and motivating with many, astonishingly willing to follow……
Keeping You in my prayers always,
Tenzin Thokpa
After watching the 2 videos here, it pains me to think that Rinpoche had not been home ie. New Jersey since the day you decided to be a monk. Now that Rinpoche had visited your old home, did you discover the fact that your mum had actually approved you being a monk and was totally happy with that before her passing.
I think this meant a whole lot to Rinpoche deep down and discovered the fact after so many years of wondering. If you had not gone back to your old home and knocked on the door, you wouldn’t have known that. I rejoice for you for you deserve peace and happiness, just like everyone else.
It must be both surreal and moving for Rinpoche to be walking among the tombstones, with his parents and relations (who were once alive and with whom he was very close) now lying beneath the ground he was walking on.Everything spelt and ‘screamed’ IMPERMANENCE.
The most beautiful thing that happened was that Rinpoche’s mum, in the end, accepted that he had become a monk and she WAS PROUD OF HIM BECOMING A MONK!
I felt so much more from this post from Rinpoche than many other posts. Thank you for sharing Rinpoche. I’m so glad you got to be in America again and reconnecting with your self.
The cemetery was indeed a most serene setting… calm and peaceful. It was very poignant for Rinpoche I am sure as the last time Rinpoche saw his parents they were still very much alive. And even through it all, Rinpoche returns as a devoted son and does a puja just for them! I am very touched and speechless!
One correction. It is not Uncle Bomba – it should be spelled Badma which should mean Padma. I can spell russian 😉 The name of his wife is Stefanya.
Dear Martin,
Thank you. But I will stick to Bomba because his proper name could have been Badma, but we were always told to call him Uncle Bomba. We use to spell it to each other that way also.
For example, my father’s proper name was Buertsche but everyone called him Boris and all the kids called him Uncle Boris. And it is the first time I’ve seen his name spelled this way as a matter of fact. 🙂 As to Uncle Bomba’s wife, we use to call her Chocha. I am glad to know her proper name is Stafanya. Everyone called her Chocha.
I wish I can read Russian. Many Kalmuks are fluent in reading, speaking and writing Russian and many also in Yugoslavian. Thanks for your care and translation of Russian. Very kind of you.
Tsem Rinpoche
Thank you, dear Rinpoche. Another way of spelling her name and may be more proper is “Stefania”. I checked it in Google translate. Please excuse me if I misled you.
Dear Rinpoche,
Will you be giving any teachings while you are in America? I have been reading and following your teachings online for many years now and have always hoped to travel to Kechara to meet you one day. May your travels be safe and filled with joy.
Many Many Thanks!
-Jessie French
Dear Jessie, I appreciate your learning of Dharma. I really appreciate your exploration of the meaning of your precious life in regards to Dharma. Please keep up your practice. Keep your your studies and please apply it. I sincerely encourage you.
I haven’t any plans for teachings in America so far.
Thank you. Tsem Rinpoche