How they all did it?
All parents find parenting to be a difficult job… there never seems to be a clear right or wrong thing to do. Sometimes we may feel that by taking care of all of their needs, we make good parents. But what if you can’t be around till they turn 18? Will your child be able to stand on their own 2 feet? I came across this article below about how a couple who had 12 children made sure that all of their kids paid for their own college education! I found it very interesting and wanted to share it with all of my blog readers.
I also previously blogged about how we are our parents own reflection… do take a look at the post as well. It’s an important read for both the young and old…
Tsem Rinpoche
How I made sure all 12 of my kids could pay for college themselves
[Extracted from: http://qz.com/165716/how-i-made-sure-all-12-of-my-kids-could-pay-for-college-themselves/]
My wife and I had 12 children over the course of 15 1/2 years. Today, our oldest is 37 and our youngest is 22. I have always had a very prosperous job and enough money to give my kids almost anything. But my wife and I decided not to. I will share with you the things that we did, but first let me tell you the results: All 12 of my children have college degrees (or are in school), and we as parents did not pay for it. Most have graduate degrees. Those who are married have wonderful spouses with the same ethics and college degrees, too. We have 18 grandchildren who are learning the same things that our kids learned—self respect, gratitude, and a desire to give back to society. We raised our family in Utah, Florida, and California; my wife and I now live in Colorado. In March, we will have been married 40 years. I attribute the love between us as a part of our success with the children. They see a stable home life with a commitment that does not have compromises. Here’s what we did right (we got plenty wrong, too, but that’s another list):
Chores
- Kids had to perform chores from age 3. A 3-year-old does not clean toilets very well but by the time he is 4, it’s a reasonably good job.
- They got allowances based on how they did the chores for the week.
- We had the children wash their own clothes by the time they turned 8. We assigned them a wash day.
- When they started reading, they had to make dinner by reading a recipe. They also had to learn to double a recipe.
- The boys and girls had to learn to sew.
Study time
Education was very important in our family.
- We had study time from 6 to 8pm every week day. No television, computer, games, or other activities until the two hours were up. If they had no homework, then they read books. For those too young to be in school, we had someone read books to them. After the two hours, they could do whatever they wanted as long as they were in by curfew.
- All the kids were required to take every Advanced Placement class there was. We did not let entrance scores be an impediment. We went to the school and demanded our kids be let in. Then we, as parents, spent the time to ensure they had the understanding to pass the class. After the first child, the school learned that we kept our promise that the kids could handle the AP classes.
- If children would come home and say that a teacher hated them or was not fair, our response was that you need to find a way to get along. You need find a way to learn the material because in real life, you may have a boss that does not like you. We would not enable children to “blame” the teacher for not learning, but place the responsibility for learning the material back on the child. Of course, we were alongside them for two hours of study a day, for them to ask for help anytime.
Picky eaters not allowed
- We all ate dinner and breakfast together. Breakfast was at 5:15am and then the children had to do chores before school. Dinner was at 5:30pm.
- More broadly, food was interesting. We wanted a balanced diet, but hated it when we were young and parents made us eat all our food. Sometimes we were full and just did not want to eat anymore. Our rule was to give the kids the food they hated most first (usually vegetables) and then they got the next type of food. They did not have to eat it and could leave the table. If later they complained they were hungry, we would get out that food they did not want to eat, warm it up in the microwave, and provide it to them. Again, they did not have to eat it. But they got no other food until the next meal unless they ate it.
- We did not have snacks between meals. We always had the four food groups (meat, dairy, grain, fruits and vegetables) and nearly always had dessert of some kind. To this day, our kids are not afraid to try different foods, and have no allergies to foods. They try all kinds of new foods and eat only until they are full. Not one of our kids is even a little bit heavy. They are thin, athletic, and very healthy. With 12 kids, you would think that at least one would have some food allergies or food special needs. (I am not a doctor.)
Extracurriculars
- All kids had to play some kind of sport. They got to choose, but choosing none was not an option. We started them in grade school. We did not care if it was swimming, football, baseball, fencing, tennis, etc. and did not care if they chose to change sports. But they had to play something.
- All kids had to be in some kind of club: Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, history, drama, etc.
- They were required to provide community service. We would volunteer within our community and at church. For Eagle Scout projects, we would have the entire family help. Once we collected old clothes and took them to Mexico and passed them out. The kids saw what life was like for many families and how their collections made them so happy and made a difference.
Independence
- When the kids turned 16, we bought each a car. The first one learned what that meant. As the tow truck pulled a once “new” car into the driveway, my oldest proclaimed: “Dad, it is a wreck!” I said, “Yes, but a 1965 Mustang fastback wreck. Here are the repair manuals. Tools are in the garage. I will pay for every part, but will not pay for LABOR.” Eleven months later, the car had a rebuilt engine, rebuilt transmission, newly upholstered interior, a new suspension system, and a new coat of paint. My daughter (yes, it was my daughter) had one of the hottest cars at high school. And her pride that she built it was beyond imaginable. (As a side note, none of my kids ever got a ticket for speeding, even though no car had less than 450 horsepower.)
- We as parents allowed kids to make mistakes. Five years before the 16th birthday and their “new” car gift, they had to help out with our family cars. Once I asked my son, Samuel, to change the oil and asked if he needed help or instruction. “No, Dad, I can do it.” An hour later, he came in and said, “Dad, does it take 18 quarts of oil to change the oil?” I asked where did he put 18 quarts of oil when normally only five were needed. His response: “That big screw on top at the front of the engine.” I said “You mean the radiator?” Well, he did not get into trouble for filling the radiator with oil. He had to drain it, we bought a radiator flush, put in new radiator fluid, and then he had to change the real oil. We did not ground him or give him any punishment for doing it “wrong.” We let the lesson be the teaching tool. Our children are not afraid to try something new. They were trained that if they do something wrong they will get not get punished. It often cost us more money, but we were raising kids, not saving money.
- The kids each got their own computer, but had to build it. I bought the processor, memory, power supply, case, keyboard, hard drive, motherboard, and mouse. They had to put it together and load the software on. This started when they were 12.
- We let the children make their own choices, but limited. For example, do you want to go to bed now or clean your room? Rarely, did we give directives that were one way, unless it dealt with living the agreed-upon family rules. This let the child feel that she had some control over life.
In it together
- We required the children to help each other. When a fifth grader is required to read 30 minutes a day, and a first grader is required to be read to 30 minutes a day, have one sit next to the other and read. Those in high school calculus tutored those in algebra or grade-school math.
- We assigned an older child to a younger child to teach them and help them accomplish their weekly chores.
- We let the children be a part of making the family rules. For example, the kids wanted the rule that no toys were allowed in the family room. The toys had to stay either in the bedroom or playroom. In addition to their chores, they had to all clean their bedroom every day (or just keep it clean in the first place). These were rules that the children wanted. We gave them a chance each month to amend or create new rules. Mom and Dad had veto power of course.
- We tried to be always consistent. If they had to study two hours every night, we did not make an exception to it. Curfew was 10pm during school nights and midnight on non-school nights. There were no exceptions to the rules.
Vacation policy
- We would take family vacations every summer for two or three weeks. We could afford a hotel, or cruise, but did not choose those options. We went camping and backpacking. If it rained, then we would figure out how to backpack in the rain and survive. We would set up a base camp at a site with five or six tents, and I would take all kids age 6 or older on a three- to five-day backpack trip. My wife would stay with the little ones. Remember, for 15 years, she was either pregnant or just had a baby. My kids and I hiked across the Grand Canyon, to the top of Mount Whitney, across the Continental Divide, across Yosemite.
- We would send kids via airplane to relatives in Europe or across the US for two or three weeks at a time. We started this when they were in kindergarten. It would take special treatment for the airlines to take a 5-year-old alone on the plane and required people on the other end to have special documentation. We only sent the kids if they wanted to go. However, with the younger ones seeing the older ones travel, they wanted to go. The kids learned from an early age that we, as parents, were always there for them, but would let them grow their own wings and fly.
Money and materialism
- Even though we have sufficient money, we have not helped the children buy homes, pay for education, pay for weddings (yes, we do not pay for weddings either). We have provided extensive information on how to do it or how to buy rental units and use equity to grow wealth. We do not “give” things to our children but we give them information and teach them “how” to do things. We have helped them with contacts in corporations, but they have to do the interviews and “earn” the jobs.
- We give birthday and Christmas presents to the kids. We would play Santa Claus but as they got older, and would ask about it, we would not lie. We would say it is a game we play and it is fun. We did and do have lists for items that each child would like for presents. Then everyone can see what they want. With the internet, it is easy to send such lists around to the children and grandchildren. Still, homemade gifts are often the favorite of all.
The real world
- We loved the children regardless of what they did. But would not prevent consequences of any of their actions. We let them suffer consequences and would not try to mitigate the consequences because we saw them suffering. We would cry and be sad, but would not do anything to reduce the consequences of their actions.
We were and are not our kids’ best friends. We were their parents.
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Amazing couple bringing up their 12 children with no regrets. Letting their children learn through a hard way pays off. Teaching them from an early age , from washing their own cloths, cooking , sewing and so forth , guiding them all along to be a better person. Sound interesting the way the children of were taught or rather trained to be independent and discipline . This is the way I think parents should educate their children from a young age. Nowadays children are spending too much time with hand phones and playing computer games. The children are rather tampered by their parents . This article have shown us an example of parenting, raising successful children to where they are. Time for play, time for studying and time for family bonding makes a happy relationship for a happy family.
Thank you Rinpoche for this interesting sharing.
The list given above is comprehensive. I’m not into such details, however I do agree that we should delegate chores to them, let them participate in most of the events and whenever problem arises, let them handle on their own before we started to load them with our personal opinions. Sometimes, you’ll surprise on how they handled the situations. Although I might not agree on all the things but at least I will try to see their point of views.
Thanks for sharing the above Rinpoche
Everyone’s parents should read this article. This is a story of a very amazing parents. As parents they were very very disciplined and determined to raise their children to the best of their ability and that is not by spoiling them. Thumbs up to the parents who is so discipline, persistent and able to persevere on their methods of successfully raising 12 kids.Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this article.
這是一個非常有意思的文章，供家長们採用。該方法表明，養育孩子不是一味给于物质的满足，应该在適當的时候把手放开，讓他们自立，自找出路。但必须从旁观察及给予忠告，我希望更多的孩子有這樣的成長它會非常有益。感谢仁波切给予的寶贵訊息分享。
It is simply amazing to read how the parents brought up their children and their children doing it with their children.
It is really amazing!
I will apply what I read… not all, but what I can use to teach my children to be independent and on the chores. Being well to do does not equate spoiling them and turning them into menace when they mature and grow up.
Thank you for the article Rinpoche. It really opened my eyes.
This is a story of a very amazing parents. As parents they were very very disciplined and determined to raise their children to the best of their ability and that is not by spoiling them. But among it all the parents were the teachers to their children and they allowed the kids to make their own mistakes and suffer their own consequences. Not to let them to suffer their consequences for the sake of making them suffer but to let the kids know they are accountable for their own actions. In a way what the parents have done for their so many children is reminiscent of what Rinpoche had done for so many of us, building us, teaching us, reprimanding us and making us grow.
As a parent, i think we need to be very discipline also along on getting our kids to be disciplined. Alot of times, i personally is the culprit of choosing to be my kids’ “Bestfriend” instead of being their “Parent”. In the modern society, we have been taught to practice democracy and we end up spoiling our kids instead. The story above shows that being tough on your kids proves to be the greatest love. They were able to be so independent to support themselves in terms of education funds, buying their own home, using their own money to get married and etc. It seems that they can handle any situation being thrown at them without the parents having to worry on it. Kudos to the parents who is so discipline, persistent and able to persevere on their methods of successfully raising 12 kids.
very informative and helpful for parents
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this article with us.I think this parents are really strict,some of their method really hard to apply like 3yrs wash toilet,8 yrs old washing their own clothes,5 yrs alone on plane..I dare not try *_* Some of their method is good and helpful ,will certainly try some of their method .
Both parents and their children are stepping out of comfort zone in order to raise the children in the most effective way until the children have reached to adulthood and make their own living. The parents are preparing their children to take the challenges in real world ahead without any compromise as any cushion is given to the children, it will only destroy the children and not helping either. All of us learn through with our own consequences and so do the children. We will never know the kettle is hot until we touch them.
A family unity, however small or big, grows through a network of relationship, which should be mutually inter-twined and interdependent on each other. Every successful relationship is said to be a wholehearted commitment of support, help and to protect each other in a group. In all families, each member develops a complimentary role of sharing, giving strength and moral courage to support each other with loving care to build up a strong unity of familyhood. As parents, it is clearly understood that it is their ultimate duty to see to the welfare of the children and to ensure that they are properly brought up to lead proper ideal lives. This will be the greatest legacy any parent can leave to their children!
How this couple raised their children is good, results show. They had the togetherness and bonding with the children since young, but not every parent may have the chance to. Many factors may pose as obstacles. What I like is that this couple taught their children to fish than to be fed with the fish.
Wow! At one glance, one might feel that this couple is nurturing their children like a troupe of army !! Upon further thought, the discipline and training these children received since young are the best gift a parents could present to their children. It has never been an easy tasks bringing up a child to possess all the good qualities i.e. compassionate, kind, thoughtful, sensitive to other’s needs, etc…. I believe that this couple has strong determination and mutual understanding in the process of bringing up their 12 children. Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this article with us.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing such interesting and informative article.. what I see is a lot of discipline on the parents to carry out their “duty” to have a good up bringing for their children! It is indeed very rare that parents are willing to let go of the “fun” teach good values to their kids.
In most cases, children will not listen to their parents. Instead they will watch what the parents do and follow. I think what this article didn’t mention is that the parents themselves have integrity, discipline, etc. Otherwise, the kids will say “hey, you asked me to do this, but you yourself didn’t do it!”.
This article reminds me that I need to show a good example to my kids, to instil the good quality in them.
Thank you Rinpoche for caring for us in so many ways and posting this amazingly useful article which can help us in such a tricky job as parenting. I love the part at the end which says that they were not their children’s best friends, but their parents. It’s quite true that when we are too attached, we may rear our children out of our own insecurities and sometimes for selfish gain, but these parents brought them up with the true aim that they became successful productive people that contributed to society in a positive manner. How admirable.
Wow ! Quite an extensive guideline on bringing up kids . Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this . Wish I had this teaching before I had children ! I would probably have found it really helpful .Will certainly try some of the suggestions now.
Having kids and bringing them up is actually such a challenging task. I always wondered why parents did not have to go thru some form of course (compulsory one) before they are allowed to have children. Its such an important “subject” in a parent’s life that we should have a university degree/PHD for this.
Some points are useful but if say let the child take the plane alone, i did not dare to try . But i can really felt the love of this parents towards their children to ensure they have go through their life with real training. Amazing
Wished I had the wisdom to have brought up my children in that manner and provided less materialistically. From reading the article, my biggest fault in parenting was being afraid that my children were to be short of something that is needed as I was when I was growing up in an environment of 7 siblings and always not having enough.
I have indulged in my children by my own fear of scarcity which I did not enjoy with my own growing up.
Never too late to learn and do my best all over again.
Parenting require the mutual understanding from both husband and wife to determine what best for child to learn while growing up. Both parent should practice what they preach, but I found that most parent do not had the knowledge nor the skill to impart to them. When discern carefully the things that we teaches are nothing but extension of ours samsaric desire and attachment! when trace further up it it source, it is that the grandparent are turning the same samsaric whirl-pool too! how scary, it spend over 3~4 generations!The good news is:- the monks has the answer for it, one that doesn’t have children of their own.
Everyone parents should read this article. It is definitely not easy to raise 12 kids. Some parents even have trouble raising 1-2 kids. I definitely see that they have being doing their best in parenting their kids to become independent. One theme that was repeated is the kids are given responsibility to do at home while they are growing up. There are rules for work and play and with so many kids around it can become chaotic if there is no guideline to follow. I believe parents have shown a good examples by keeping promised with their kids. That is the most important.
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Dear Rinpoche, this family is really strict. But at least the rules they gave their kids was teaching them to be independent and it is great for the children. But if I’m one of the child, I might get whack all the time because I’m the kind of person who can’t even stay still for 5 minutes.
I think the parents have educated their children very well, not like children nowadays including us. The children will not have to worry about their afterlife when they grow up since they have been ‘trained’ to do almost everything when they were young. Sometimes materialism is not the a child needs, it’s the education and discipline. Thank You for sharing Rinpoche.
I think that the article above is very smart. And i can understand how a parent is not always there for their child their whole life, there will be a time when their children will have to grow up and be live on their own. So this way of raising your children is good, because it teaches them to be responsible about themselves from a young age. This will help a lot on their near futures.
This is a very interesting article for parents to adopt. This method shows that the parents do care about their children’s success. I wish I had this sort of upbringing and I wish more children had this upbringing it would extremely beneficial .
I think what’s admirable or what we could all learn from the above family is that the parents never handed things to them ready on a silver platter. They were instead given information on “how” to do it instead of “here” you go. Teaching the beggar how to fish is far better than giving the beggar the fish (?), heard of this saying?
I like how they were not punished but be allowed to experience the consequences of their actions… it’s like learning “karma” and they kids learn faster this way and rebel less cos they had a the freedom to make their “choices” in a sense of being in control in certain parts of their lives. And most importantly appreciate their life, they become independent, they have self-respect and yet have gratitude towards their parents.
My step mother had five children, my father had myself and my two brothers. They weren’t as organized as the family above, and my step brothers were wild and got into a lot of trouble, but my parents did their best. As for myself, I spent most of the time meditating and reading or painting in my room, away from the shouting. Probably why I cherish peace and quiet to this day. I love my crazy mixed up family, but my step brothers and sister are estranged, my youngest brother is dead and my middle brother is in prison. But I am not alone, I still communicate with my step mom, who I adore, my brother, and I have my husband, son, my root guru, Rinpoche, and my Kecharan friends. I am happy.
So how did the kids pay for their own college education?
If the kids paid for their own college education, they did it through scholarships, government grants, loans and saving any money they made whilst working. or maybe they had a rich uncle 😉
They earn it by probably applying and getting scholarships. It’s something very common in western upbringing… giving the kids a sense of responsibility and independence.
I must say that most Asian kids are so lucky because parents just provide free education for them. Kids are so spoilt that way and many take their parents for granted. I must say that I was such a kid. My parents paid for everything and I even got a degree in computing despite the fact that I am not really into it. I am glad that Dharma/Tsem Rinpoche had somehow made a difference and I won’t say that I am that great of a person but I have learnt to appreciate my parents for what they have given me.